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Old 04-26-2019, 06:44 AM #1
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Unhappy What to do?

I was thinking of starting to see my university counsellor since I DO need some guidance for my life and what I want to do for a career! However I'm just not sure how to begin to ask them! I should contact them through e-mail to schedule an appointment with them but I'm not sure how to word it or what to say! I'm also not sure how to deal with my parents about all of this. I don't want to tell them that I'm doing all of this and technically I don't have to, but if I do this I would have to lie to them and tell them that I'm going to the lessons instead of what I'm actually doing, which is going to the counsellor! Of course I'm ALSO going there to take lessons so I'm not really lying but I still feel guilty about all of this There's also the fact that I'm not sure how many appointments there will be! There should be seven of them, but we're already almost in May and lessons end in June! I feel like there may not be enough time to do all the sessions! I don't want to "waste" this opportunity! I'm just really doubtful about all of this and I feel like I don't have a lot of time to decide! Do you guys have any advice? What do you all suggest? Any advice and suggestions are welcome!
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Old 04-26-2019, 06:48 AM #2
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Default Re: What to do?

Itís not your parents business. Why do they need to know? You arenít a child. Go see a counselor and ask how could you get your 7 appointments if a year is over. They might tell you that you could do the rest in the fall. You got to ask.

In your email just say you want an appointment to discuss some concerns etc
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Old 04-26-2019, 07:59 AM #3
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Default Re: What to do?

(((Mickey))) you are a good person and you like to be honest and truthful. It's important that you establish stronger boundaries where you realize you really don't OWE others an explaination for everything you need to do for yourself. It's really ok if you are not sure about what you want to be, it can take time to slowly figure that out and come to realize what you are good at doing. You don't have to be your parent's caretaker either, or anyone's for that matter. You tend to leave yourself open too much and it's really ok to say no and settle into thinking about your own needs. You don't have to tell your parents everything or feel like you are lying when you need some privacy and don't want to tell them certain things you need and are doing for yourself. Reaching out for counseling is "healthy" and it's not anything to feel ashamed of or think that it's bad if you don't share that you are doing so. It's actually really good that you are taking the inititive to address your own needs. It's ok to be independent of your parents.
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Old 04-26-2019, 08:31 AM #4
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Default Re: What to do?

First off do they have an office you can stop by while you are at the university? That way you could personally talk to them about setting up the appointments & not leave it to an impersonal email.

I like to talk directly to people because I get immediate results that way & know exactly where I stand.

As for your parents they sound a lot like mine were. My did didn't even think I should go to collegs & no one in my family had gone to college so they were the last ones in the world I would even talk to about direction & career questions. My future path was MY RESPONSIBILITY not theirs & I had to do what was necessary for me. Even if I was living in their house.....my future plans & directions were not their business during my planning because they had nothing valuable to offer in that area of my life.

There is this "need to know" concept that I tend to use as a guideline. If what I am doing has no effect of someone's life they have "NO need to know" & I am not responsible to tell anyone anything that they have no need to know. That definitely includes parents. It is also called learning to be & act as an independent adult. Yes we need to seek out the people who know about what we need to discuss....that is being wise....because some decisions we can't make totally independently if we don't have tge information....but it us tge "knowing"people we seek out & leave the others out of the process.

In other words you don't owe your parents any explanation at all at this point in your life
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Old 04-26-2019, 08:53 AM #5
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Default Re: What to do?

Mickey- you are so supportive here at PC and I am glad that you are reaching out for your own help. I am serious when I say this you are the NICEST person I have ever met online and that counts for something. Always be proud of that kindness and its time to extend that kindness towards yourself. Its ok to feel confused or scared about things. And its ok to not have the answers. I do not think you should lie to your parents but in the interest of getting started and self protection I think not telling them unless they directly ask might be a way to get around the initial hard steps. Of course you are going to have to get to a place of acceptance and be willing to tell them what you are up to if you think they need to know but for now just work around them. You know in your heart and with your good sense that they really do not need to give their blessing on what you are doing. You know you are strong inside but your scared and fear is the greatest motivator. Unfortunately some people are so afraid that it has a reverse effect and they hide or never take that step forward. Sometimes you face it and it feels so scary but it ends up being for the best or not that bad. You are not a coward. A coward is afraid and does nothing. Someone with courage is afraid but does something anyway;
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Old 04-26-2019, 10:14 AM #6
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Default Re: What to do?

I don't think you need to tell your parents that you are going to see your university's counselor. You are in college. That's your business. Technically, you are an adult. Your parents should respect your privacy. I wouldn't tell them. It's none of their business. Don't accommodate them with every detail of your life, dear. They don't need to know. If you were going to the hospital for an operation, then you should tell them. But, to go see a counselor at your university? Not an emergency that they need to know about. There has to be some boundaries drawn between you and your parents. This would be one boundary that you should draw, to keep yourself separate from your parents. Don't tell them. You're not hiding anything by not telling them. It's just none of their business. It's very important that you maintain some psychological distance from your parents, esp. if you are going to go to counseling. That really isn't something they need to be, or should be, involved with. Good luck dear!
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Old 04-26-2019, 10:40 AM #7
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Default Re: What to do?

Thank you ALL SO MUCH for replying! I believe you are ALL right when you say that it's technically not my parents' business. I guess I just feel guilty because I still live with them and they're the one helping me out with everything. In a sense I DO feel like I "owe" them an explanation! I'll just try to see the university counsellor by myself though! I'm also a bit anxious about locating the office Unfortunately I can't go to the office directly since they've explicitly asked to contact them through e-mail or telephone first! I'm too anxious to speak by telephone so I'll try with the e-mail! Thank you so much for the kind words, everyone! You're all STRONG, WONDERFUL PEOPLE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Sending many hugs to EVERYONE and to all of you great, kind, wise and wonderful people and to EVERYONE on PC of course!
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Old 04-26-2019, 10:50 AM #8
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Default Re: What to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
Thank you ALL SO MUCH for replying! I believe you are ALL right when you say that it's technically not my parents' business. I guess I just feel guilty because I still live with them and they're the one helping me out with everything. In a sense I DO feel like I "owe" them an explanation! I'll just try to see the university counsellor by myself though! I'm also a bit anxious about locating the office Unfortunately I can't go to the office directly since they've explicitly asked to contact them through e-mail or telephone first! I'm too anxious to speak by telephone so I'll try with the e-mail! Thank you so much for the kind words, everyone! You're all STRONG, WONDERFUL PEOPLE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Sending many hugs to EVERYONE and to all of you great, kind, wise and wonderful people and to EVERYONE on PC of course!


I agree that there is no need to tell your parents about seeing a counselor. Thatís your personal business. As far as wording goes, I would word things just as you did with us here. Just tell them you want to talk about the direction of your life and your career as you told us. Itís a very wise and responsible step to take on your part. Best of luck to you. What to do?
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Old 04-26-2019, 11:38 AM #9
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Default Re: What to do?

It's OK to have secrets but perhaps they are so involved in your life that they ask about everything? That can be a problem too though you don't have to tell them this, just be aware that perhaps they aren't giving you enough autonomy. If they notice, try to think of an honest but nondetailed answered like: "Just getting some advice" then if they press more say: "I prefer to keep it private." I know this can be nearly impossible with some parents especially if they have to drive you to the appointment. Hopefully, they don't even ask! They might not even ask --- wouldn't that be a pleasant surprise!

Do what YOU think is best!

It is better when parents are careful not to pry too much but I know we (my husband and I) are guilty of prying too much in our children's lives. Breaking away from our parents can be hard for either the parent and/or child but it needs to be done..... You are such a sweet person that it is probably hard to let you grow up/be apart from you but if that is happening then they will adjust. Worrying won't change a thing and nothing stays the same......

Last edited by Anonymous55879; 04-26-2019 at 11:56 AM.
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Old 04-26-2019, 12:37 PM #10
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Default Re: What to do?

MickeyCheeky, it sounds to me like you suffer from "enmeshment trauma" (also: ask your school counselor about this). Here is a website that explains it.

Enmeshment: How To Unmesh From Your Dysfunctional Family

Here's an article about enmeshed parenting. I think perhaps your parents invade your boundaries because they have issues themselves. So, they don't draw proper boundaries with you, which is unfortunate, because you deserve to be independent and separate from your parents. Learning to separate from enmeshed parenting is scary -- I did it though, and I still have to verbally tell my mother "No!" all the time b/c although I separated from her enmeshment, she refuses to, and thinks she can still treat me like I'm 7 years old (I'm nearly 50). Enmeshed parents will NEVER acknowledge that they are boundary invaders -- especially to their children -- so no use telling your parents this insight. But, if they fit the criteria, then at least you know what dysfunctional system your parents have trapped you inside of, and you can learn to escape it (moving out eventually will help you a lot with drawing stronger boundaries between yourself and your parents).

Do You Practice Enmeshed Parenting?
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