What does ex fiance want?

I should know how to deal with this but apparently I don't, my "SO" and I are in our early 60's. We have been in a relationship for about 4-1/2 years and have been engaged for about 2 years? We are not living together bc we live just over an hour away from each other and naturally both work close to where we each live. I cannot physically make the 90 minute drive from his home to my office without falling asleep driving. (I get up at 4:00a when I have to make the drive) I literally plan enough time into my commute to stop at a rest stop and take a 15 minute power nap each time I make the drive. He says I can quit my job and he will support me financially, but since I can retire in about 5 yrs, I don't want to do that. He has a farm so logically he can't move. We have not been able to reach a compromise yet. The problem is he is very discouraged and lonely so about a month ago broke off our engagement saying he wants to get married and doesn't know if we ever will. He says he still loves me but...Needless to say, I am devastated. Because he does want to get married, and his "advanced" age (??) he immediately posted a profile to an online dating site. For various reasons, I sincerely doubt he has had much success on the dating front. Because I was so hurt, when I found out, I then posted my own profile, and he knows about it because I was notified that he looked at it. For the first 2-3 weeks after we broke up I sent him a couple of emails and texts...most of which he simply ignored. The last email I sent was more business in nature, did he have his credit card, that I normally carried and used. I could not find it and if he didn't have the card it would need to be reported as missing. Later that day he sent me a text that he did have the card. He also wanted to know how I was doing. (I said I had been better). He then said he was sorry and could we be "friends"? I told him yes (under duress) but that he was going to have to initiate any contact. I did not hear anything from him for 2 weeks, (and I never contacted him) but during that time I noticed that anything I posted on FB, he began to "like". Neither of us are huge FB users, we just use it to keep in contact with family, grandkids, and a few friends. Then on Easter Sunday he texted me in the morning, Happy Easter. I eventually responded to his texts with the same greeting, well wishes to his family etc. Then he said he had seen the pictures on my daughter in laws FB page from my grandsons birthday party the day before and it looked fun. I responded that it was and made a couple of comments about the party and my grandson. He responded smiling and said he was glad all was going well for him. I thanked him and that is when the communication stopped. I have not heard anything else from him, but as of 2 days ago he is still "liking" my FB stuff.

Naturally, I want his sudden interest to mean that he is rethinking our breakup. In my mind, anytime I have ended a relationship that was not mutual, and the other person wanted to be friends, I might have said yes, butl I never contacted them, it was uncomfortable for me and painful for them. My question to anyone who is reading this is to "read his mind", does he really just want to be friends, or is he possibly rethinking his decision to end things?

I should mention that while it is not alot of significant stuff, we have never exchanged the stuff that each of us has at the others home. In fact I am storing a boat trailer on his property that will need to be retrieved at some point. He has told me on a couple of different occasions that he is in no hurry to have it moved.
Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas? Thanks.

That's a tough one because I think his biggest problem is his lonliness. It's understandable that it's hard for him to wait around for you and not get to see you very much and live alone.

Hi there. I'm so sorry for your pain. Given your story, it seems that logistically things cannot work out between you two, am I correct? It also seems that he probably does just want to stay in touch as friends. I wouldn't read into his FB likes and his texts or messages to mean that he is rethinking the breakup. He also put himself on a dating site before you did. It seems he wants to move on with his life but keep you as a friend. Usually men are very straight forward when they want to be with someone.... I think you can take what he has told you at face value. Are you able and willing to be friends or would it be too painful for you? I find that I need lots of space and no contact after a breakup in order to truly heal and move forward. Again, I am sorry you're going through this. Breakups suck, especially when there's still love there. (((((((hugs))))))

What did did he say in your exchanges? If you feel inclined to disclose.. im only asking since perhaps it's relevant to the issue at hand.

Otherwise. I agree with another poster here to take what he said at face value. But ithe only way to have 100% confirmation, you can simply ask him yourself. Maybe something like "just curious why you've been liking my photos constantly, it's very unlike you" or you could get straight to the point.

Do you NOT like farm life? Would you ever consider retiring (early) & even want to move to his farm? Is/was he really waiting for something that will NEVER happen?

Sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves & it clears everything up.

We have to want the whole package not just pieces of it or we need to understand the incompatibility that exists makes the whole thing impossible. When we pick things we want then are we really just using the person to get what we want? Lots goes into a REAL relationship.....lives have to come together not just at some nebulous time in the future. Timing is everything. Better to let go & find what actually works in your life.

I think your ex fiance is just looking for something that really works in his life now. He may be hoping you change your mind like you are hoping he changes his. That IS NOT being compatible.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Rozy1958! :sadug: I understand what you mean! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to just move on as much as you can! He's the one who broke up with you after all and since he's already on a dating site it seems like he wants to move on as well! Break ups are hard to deal with so we can DEFINITELY understand your pain! You WILL get over it with time and patience! Just focus on yourself at the moment! Try to find AS MANY DISTRACTIONS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! Hopefully that will help a little bit! As far as staying friends with him that's YOUR decision and you have to consider whether or not that will be ok with you or if it will make you feel hurt even more! Please DO consider it! You're not doing anything WRONG if you DO decide to cut off contacts with him! It just means that you're taking care of yourself! It's just self-preservation after all! I also completely agree with Iloivar about just talking to him about all of this and see how it goes from there! Maybe that could help! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand you! Just make and take the BEST decision for yourself, ok? That's ALL we're asking you! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that WE can do to BOTH HELP YOU OUT! Just LET US KNOW and MENTION IT and we'll DO EVERYTHING WE CAN and we'll TRY TO DO YOUR BEST to BOTH HELP YOU OUT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT!!!!! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK!!!!! Please keep us updated as much as you possibly CAN and let us know how it goes and what you decide! We DO care about you and we DO want to know how things are going for you and for him and what you decide to do! YOU ARE LOVED! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT!!!!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Rozy1958!!!!!

Ok-this might / will get long. First I should clarify, he owns a farm but does not actively farm it himself. He used to raise livestock on a small scale, but no longer does that. He leases the land to other farmers, while he himself works for another company. His home is located on the "farm", complete with barns, tractors etc that belong to him.

He says he is VERY lonely, and does want to get married, and doesn't know if we ever will. I do understand the loneliness and have told him I will marry him whenever he wants BUT, since we have both been married before and have children and grandchildren from previous marriages, we need to address the legal and financial implications first. (I work in finance and am very familiar with estate and asset planning). Those implications include taking steps to preserve his farm and land for his children, my remaining assets for mine, as well as preserving our individual assets in the event one of us becomes seriously ill or incompacitated so the other one is not left unable to care or support themselves. (Not a pleasant topic in terms of love / romance but necessary to protect each and both of us. Our individual assets are about equal). At the time (last fall) we discussed this in more detail he agreed, but no action was ever taken. Unfortunately we had the " perfect storm of busyness", right after that talk so it got put on hold. One of those "busyness" activities, was going away for a long weekend and then spending several weekends shopping for new furniture (we never bought any, just getting ideas for what we both liked). Another weekend he bought a small fishing boat to leave at my lake house, specifically for my grandsons to play with. At the same time my "maiden" aunt was also seriously injured (age late 80's) and not expected to survive, she was hospitalized for 8 weeks. I spent a few weekends taking my 85 yr old mother back and forth to care for her sister, 350 miles away. (We are the only family). There was also some weekend traveling to see his children who live out of state. On top of the additional chaos, my son who lives on the opposite coast from me was coming home for 2 weeks at Christmas for the first time since moving away about 7 years ago, I was more than excited! I had reserved vacation time to have as much time as possible to spend with "my boyfriend" and family at the end of the year. In spite of my plans..because I do work in finance and investment's, the extreme volatility of the stock markets at the end of the year, resulted in my bosses calling and asking if I could / would come into the office the last few days of the year rather than take my scheduled vacation time, which I did do.

When we were breaking up he said his primary reason was that I was too busy for him this past Christmas which, per the above, I admit to being extra busy. However, in my defense, I made sure to take the time and participate in whatever he wanted to do, even went so far as to have it scheduled on my calendar, such as spending a day looking for the perfect live Christmas tree, cutting it down, taking it back to his home to put up and decorate; (even before I put up my tree, which I did myself) do the planning and getting his house ready for hosting his immediate and extended family for their annual Christmas get-together which is always at his house, AND I attended the get together and helped host it in spite of the fact that my son was arriving home that day. I also made sure we had time to complete his Christmas shopping and spending time together....In order to get my stuff done many nights I stayed up until 3:00-4:00a (even when I had to go to work) cleaning, decorating, baking... Unfortunately for us, this busyness does / did not end until mid March because of family birthdays, mine included, Valentine's Day... This year his mother was also turning 90, and still lives independently in her own home. Her family was planning a surprise 90th birthday "open house", and expected about 100 people to attend. Because my "boyfriend" lives about 2 miles from his mom and the rest of the family is out of town, the responsibility of making everything coordinate fell on him. I was not involved, in the planning, but did "help" him to the extent I could. We broke up the following weekend, primarily because I (??) was too busy.

During the week when he is home from work in the evening, pretty much all he does is watch TV (In the winter he plays ice hockey one night a week and occasionally plays racquetball with a cousin.) In the summer, the hockey is replaced with golf, again 1 night a week, but the racquetball is dropped. He has no hobbies or volunteer activities that he is involved with to stay busy. He doesn't even really clean his house or take care of it, for example he will regularly do his laundry, but he has never folded, hung or put any of it away, he lives out of laundry baskets, lots of laundry baskets. (I have offered to clean and organize, and have on occasion, but he generally says no, so that we can do other things.) He was dx with diabetes a yr ago and also acknowledges that this has thrown him for a loop. (Because he didn't go to a Dr regularly, it appears from the permanent damage he already has, that he has been diabetic for a number of years). He admitted when we were breaking up that he is depressed from the diagnosis as well as the dark winter nights.

As far as asking to "be friends", I had emailed him within a few days of our break-up asking him the same thing, hoping that it would result in our being more than just friends. That was one of 2 emails I sent him, that I never got a response to. It was about 3 weeks later, that HE texted me asking if we could be friends and saying he was sorry for hurting me. The "liking" on my FB is / was not normal behavior for him, until the last few weeks. I had also texted him a couple of times during the first 2 weeks of the break-up and didn't get any responses from those as well. There has been very little communication from him outside of the FB activity and text. (He has been out of town for about a week visiting his daughter and her family). I have also not posted anything on FB in about a week, but the next time I do, if he "Likes", it or he does send me a text, I do plan on asking him what he wants. In answer to a question that was asked by one of the moderators, No, at this point I don't think we can be friends, it is too painful for me, (my whole family does like him) and makes my family uncomfortable when they know how much I am hurting, and they also don't necessarily agree that I was "too busy" for him under the circumstances. In fact, when I did get called into work unexpectedly, he spent time with my son, even going ice skating a few times with my son and his friends (my son and his friends played varsity hockey in HS and college).

The other email I sent him was just explaining in writing why I could not quit working yet. I have seen too many examples of women being left in vulnerable positions because they depended on their partner to be around to help support them, but life happened instead and unexpectedly. I told my "fiance" that if he died before I turned 67, (retirement for me) I am left with no income, no job, spousal benefits only from SS and no pension because it goes to his former spouse. I also suggested that since I can't make that drive every day that we compromise, I make the drive to his home 1 night a week, and he make the drive to my house 1 night a week. We then spend about 2 nights a week alone in our own homes. As usual on weekends we are generally together anyway. I thought we were adults and could handle 2 days a week without each other until I could retire. I did not get a response to that suggestion either.

To the moderator, who asked if I did not like farm life, no that is not the issue. I have no real problem, with living on the farm, just means I need to be more organized in terms of not running out of sugar and being able to get to the grocery store easily. I would like to decorate the house to my taste (and his) but I have no problem living out there. But to be honest, if something did happen to him (pass away), I would likely move back closer to where I live now since there are conveniences that I am familiar with. Example, he heats alot of the house by a wood stove. I have never even started a chain saw and don't see myself cutting wood from the woods (on his property) when I am in my 70's-80's to heat the house.

Yes, I would consider retiring early, if provisions can be made to take care of me in the event he were to pass away. I am not willing to place that burden on my children, if I deplete my retirement savings 7-10 years earlier than what had been planned for.

Thanks for the responses, I hope this gives you more clarity and answers some of the back ground questions.

From what you shared here.....you sound very wise financially & I think what you know is needed is absolutely RIGHT ON.

Things happen in our lives especially when 2 whole separate families are involved. Part of making a relationship work is UNDERSTANDING this will happen.

IMO the only way for this all to work out would be for you both to step back to the point where the financial planning would get done. That is the only wise way to proceed. Second marriages need this financial planning to be done because each family is entitled to what each parent accumulated BEFORE the 2nd marriage. Whether romantic or not it is the wise way to handle it & make sure everyone is gets what they are entitled to & get everything set financially for both of you to live together securely in your future. People who refuse to understand the financial responsibilities going into a second marriage & protecting all interests involved are just plain foolish. You are very wise & I agree totally with what you posted about here.

Lol....yep I live alone on a farm 10 minutes from town & I go shopping once a month....when I run out of something I do without till my next trip to town. Totally different from the city living I did till I was 54 & if I ran out of something I would just hop in the car & drive 2 minutes to the store to get what I needed. I actually like the farm living much better.

There seems to be some too high expectations or maybe lack of tolerance when it comes to your own family demands & maybe even if he wanted to do the financial planning so you could get married....if he really doesn't understand it, it may have kinda intimidated him through lack of actually understanding what is needed.....but if he really is still interested that would definitely be one of my requirements for marriage too.

Actually friends of mine just got 2nd married (after his wife died). They deeded the farm to his son because it always would have been part of his inheritance. It is important otherwise bad feelings can happen & tear apart the newly formed marriage relationship. Pre-nups are important at this stage of our lives.

I can definitely see how complex this is for you....& understand the dilemma

Eskielover -
Thank you for the kind words!, and I do agree with your assessment that the financial planning is probably more intimidating to him. He knows what he wants to happen, but not the process to make it happen. It is actually our expertise / knowledge in different areas that IMO, make us stronger together. Our core values: faith, family, each other, helping others...are the same, and our differences are also complimentary, I drink socially, him not at all, AND he doesn't mind that I do, so I ALWAYS have a designated driver..😊. Anyway, thank you for the response and views on farm life (kind of exciting)! At this point all I can do is pray that he decides we should talk more, or I need to move on. Marriage without the legal and financial issues addressed is a deal-breaker. I cannot do that to my children and I know he feels the same about his children AND we each like the others children / grandchildren. That is just bad for ALL concerned, our selves, children and even grandchildren😥 Roxy1958

I am just posting this because, well I don't know why, other than I don't have anywhere else to go, I am just totally despondent, sad, angry, so very angry!! After responding with my "ex's" and mine back history earlier today and realizing how busy I had been last fall and thru January, and what all was going on in my life at the time. I created a time line going back to the first of August, (only including weekends). I was shocked to find out how much of the time was spent doing what he wanted and how little was spent focusing on me. (I did not mention at the time, that my nephew who was active military, had been killed barely a year earlier and my family and I were also still reeling from that tragedy). All of the things I needed to get done to take care of me and my home was pretty much accomplished during the week. I also noticed I took numerous 1/2 day vacations from work to accomplish and meet my own needs and chores, again so I did not neglect him, and he said when we broke up it was because I was too busy for him. In early Aug and Sept, I was even trying to drive to his house one night a week. Due to his work schedule, he never reciprocated and came to my house during the week. I also noticed on the weekends I went to my aunts, or took my mother, those were weekends he was not available anyway so that I didn't neglect him then too! I did ask him to go with me, albeit would be boring sitting in a hospital for about 14 hrs a day, but he said no. And so what if I wanted to "over decorate" my house for the holidays and went "all out" for my son and his wife when they came home? I even put a little candy dish on the night stand in their room with chocolate Christmas candy in it for them. I bought Christmas pillow cases for all of the bedrooms and put a Christmas tree in each room. I only get to see that son once or twice a year when I fly out to visit them. My grandchildren told their parents, they now want a Christmas tree in their bedrooms at home! Like most Mom's, I LOVE having my children under my roof and I know that they may never all be here at the same time again. What did I do that was so wrong? He told me that my biggest fault was the time it took me to decorate for the holidays. When it was done, it was beautiful (he said) but it took me so long. Sooooo what, I was doing it on my own time at 3:00a when he was not at my house. His mother and one of my grandsons share the same birthday, and this year they were both being celebrated the same day AND at the same time! His mother's open house was from 1-4, and was being followed up by the family all going to dinner together. My grandsons skating party (he was turning 7) was also in the same time slot, 1-4 and also being followed with everyone going to dinner. When I told my "ex" about the conflict, he didn't say a word, or offer any kind of compromise or solution. I said I would compromise and go to his mom's open house, and then leave and meet my family for dinner. Since I was compromising for him, I kind of thought he should offer to go to my grandsons dinner with me. I would have told him he didn't have to go with me since this was a special birthday for his mom, but the gesture would have been nice! Another grandson has the same birthday as his adult daughter. I have skipped my grandsons birthday, to go to his daughters for the weekend for her birthday, but he has never mentioned taking turns every other year or staying here for my grandsons birthday. Am I expected to miss all of my grandchildren's birthday's because they only live an hour away rather than 3 states away? He does treat me very nice, and always goes along with whatever I want, as long as there is nothing he wants to do. To me a compromise is only a compromise when there are two different options to be decided between, it is not a compromise if there is no 2nd option! Just venting, I guess, but right now at this moment, I hope he is alone a LONG LONG VERY LONG time. (I am sure I will change my mind in about 5 minutes! Roxy

Roxy
He actually sounds like he has placed some very UNREALISTIC expectations on you.....especially at this point in your lives where you already have existing family that makes up a huge part of your life (as it should be since they have been a part of you long before he existed in your life.....they should have your priority).

I would not be happy with his expectations given your analysis of what really happened either. Maybe this will actually accept that this relationship wasn't really as good as you thought it was before giving it some critical thinking. When someone demands more time from us than we are capable of giving because of our own life's requirements....that becomes a red flag against them.....not us especially at this point in our lives.

I have lost all my family except my daughter who lives across the country. I treasure (even the bad) times I dedicated to my parents in spite of what it cost me dealing with a trauma because of it.

I know you will sort this out because you use logical thinking. It is good to write out what you have written because it helps clarify the FACTS in your own mind while doing it & it ALWAYS helps to vent

UGH, have to get my head and heart to agree or align together. This is so bizarre, after going a few days with no contact from the "ex", bc I didn't post anything on FB, literally as soon as I did on Tuesday, he is "liking" it. (Prior to this recent "liking frenzy" of my stuff, it had been a year since he had last "liked" anything I posted, just really not a big thing to him). I was ready to just "unfriend" him (I can't stay "friends", too painful) and let him know I would be out later this week to remove my trailer from his place and try to move forward with my life, but I had not actually taken any action. Then yesterday, I notice he is looking at my profile on the dating app, (and this is not the first time) and he is trying to either disguise his profile, or hide it so I didn't know. Then today, I saw that he had been "viewing" it again. Since I have nothing to hide, be ashamed of or upset about (we WERE engaged and I have told him, I love him and would marry him ONCE we have the legal issues resolved), I opened his profile and made a nice non-threatening complimentary comment on one of his pictures. (It was actually how cute his grandaughter was that he was holding). My head is telling me, he broke things off, time to move on. My compassionate, hopeful heart is saying, be patient, give him time to come to terms with the issues I have raised. Not that I promise to take any advice offered, but any thoughts / comments?

From my personal experience when I left my H 12 years ago. I told him that if he chose to make the changes necessary for the marriage to work.....I would know. I moved 2100 miles away & he just coukdn't grasp how it would be possible for me to know. The big issue with him was his inability to communicate.....so obviously if he started communicating....it would be obvious that a change was made. He never did & I never regretted my leaving.

Basically what I am saying is to go about your own life without him. If he comes around with his thinking about the legal issues & realizes he doesn't want to lose you....he will let you know. Yep it leaves us open for that rejected feeling of "he didn't care enough to do what was needed to have a relationship".......but I came to realize how much better off I was without the stresses of trying to make it work on his terms.

It just takes time to put it ALL into perspective

what’s on the planet is he doing holding his granddaughter on his dating profile? So very inappropriate. Is granddaughter a minor? How bizarre. This guy makes bad choices.

I’d not communicate to him via dating sites. That’s why I prefer eharmony. People can’t see you unless you being matched up. I’d not like to see exes on dating sites.

If you two really think you could make it work then why are you both on dating sites? It’s not very fair to other people who might view your profiles. They don’t know you two are not over each other and even contact each other via dating site. I’d rather get over my ex before I join dating sites and I hope others do the same. Or I’d feel tricked

I understand you are hurting but I think you are better off moving on. If he wants you bad enough, he’ll come around. If not, you’ll enjoy your life without him

The latest chapter in the ongoing saga with my former fiance and myself. I took myself off of the dating sites for almost 2 months in an effort to try and heal. During that time, him and I have had no real contact. He continues to "like" stuff I put FB, but there are no calls, texts etc and he is still on dating sites. He did have a birthday a couple of weeks ago, so I wrote him a letter just telling him some of his good traits and why I fell in love with him. It was basically my last ditch effort to see if we could revive things. I also sent him a Happy Birthday song by his favorite artist. I did get a return text on the song telling me how much he appreciated it and liked it, but no response about the letter. After about a week with no response to the letter, I decided to reactivate my profile as it was now almost 3 months since we broke up. During this whole time the boat trailer that I was storing at his place was still there. It has been way too wet to drive behind the barn to get it. Plus, I knew it wasn't in his way and he didn't really mind it being there. If he had really wanted it gone he would / could have sent me a text asking for it to be moved. (Meanwhile I am also still FB friends with several members of his family.) Anyway on this past Sunday, he actually called me about the boat trailer. I apologized and explained why I hadn't gotten it earlier and he said he understood and that I was right, it had been way to wet to retrieve it. He was calling to tell me that he could now pull it out and leave it on the driveway at his place so that I could get it easier whenever it was convenient. I thanked him and apologized again (with my heart breaking bc I knew this was pretty much the last thing to be cleaned up between us. I do still have some of his belongings at my house, but nothing expensive or that he can't do without. The same with things of mine at his house.) He then asked about my grandkids and family and just chatted for a few minutes. He then brought up the letter I had written as well as the Happy Birthday song. He told me how much he appreciated them and how very much he liked the letter and how much it meant to him, he had not been responded to the letter because he didn't know what to say. He then asked me if I had been to my lake house recently, and I responded that I was there at the moment, just for a few hours to take my mom on a boat ride, but the battery was dead so we couldn't go and would probably just head home. (The lake house is about 45 minutes from his house and where I would ultimately store the boat trailer.) He then said that he wasn't really busy, and was only planning to mow along his road sometime during the day. He said that if I wanted to stick around he would be willing to bring the trailer to the lake house. I told him I appreciated the offer but that it was too much to ask, besides it did not even have a valid license plate and he knew it. (This was why he didn't want to be the one moving it earlier and had even cautioned me on moving it. He didn't want to risk being ticketed). Again, he reiterated that he wasn't doing anything (even though he normally goes skating on Sunday afternoons at that time) and didn't mind bringing it over, if I wanted to wait for about an hour. (The driveway at the lake house has room for 8-10 cars, so he could have easily just left it, even if I wasn't there. I also have a tow hitch on my car and can tow the trailer myself. )I told him that I could wait, all the while my heart is literally breaking thinking it is the very last time I will ever see him.

After he got to the house, he could have just left the trailer on the driveway, but instead asked where I eventually wanted it. I told him eventually I wanted to take to it the back of the property but since he would have to drive across the back yard (about 200 ft) and I wasn't sure if the ground was too wet for that he could just leave it on the drive and I would move it to the final place at a later time. He checked the ground, thought it was solid enough and said he would back it up to where I wanted it. In the meantime I have a tetherball ball pole right in the middle of where he needed to drive. He asked me to help him move it, and takes the heaviest hardest part for himself. All I had to do was guide the pole while he moved a tire filled with concrete that was supporting the pole (he was being a major gentlemen and treating me exactly the way he had when we were together). After he backed the trailer about 200' and jiggled it into position, again he would not let help with anything other than guiding him as he was backing up. Once he disconnected the trailer, he looked at the position and said he thought he could move it even closer to where I ultimately wanted it (a move of about 12") but he would need to manually move it around (it is a double trailer to haul 2 jetskis at one time so bigger and heavier than most). Again, he pretty much declined my offer of help and did the heavy lifting and moving himself. Once that was in place and we were walking back to his truck, my neighbor (who was out in her yard) came over to chat for a few minutes. Rather than him just saying goodbye he stopped to also chat for a minute.
Once we were done with the chatting, and were walking back to his truck, I asked if we could talk. He said yes, but that he also had my other stuff in his truck and would put it in my car first. (That made me scared and very sad.) Once that was done he asked if we wanted to go in the house to talk, rather than just on the driveway. I agreed, but that my drink and phone were still on the boat, where I had been sitting prior to his arrival, so I had to go get it first. As we got to the boat, I mentioned that we could sit there rather than go inside if he wanted. Since the weather was so nice and the boat is comfortable we sat there instead across from each other. I then asked him about the letter I sent him, what he thought of it. He said how much he appreciated it, liked it, and how much it meant to him and that he had re-read it about 5-6 times so far.

The letter was basically about 15 things or traits that he had, that made me fall in love with him and examples of things that he/we had done that corresponded to each example. For instance, we prayed together before each meal and attended church regularly together. This is something that I have always done, but in my experience praying before meals is not the norm, especially in public. This was a matter of practice for him. I I thanked him for supporting, participating and encourageing my faith, that, that one trait was what I had been praying for in a future husband. There were about 14 other examples in the letter, it was all about him. The last item in the letter said that from my experience most marriage counselors will recommend, and have told me that trying to fix a broken or damaged relationship is better and easier than trying to find, start and have a new one. If he ever got to the point where he wanted to consider that option that I hoped he would give me a call and that I still loved him.

We discussed calmly and intimately what each other thought the issues were and really listened to each others opinions or beliefs. During the conversation there were a few tears but more laughs or smiles, all the time we were mainly looking at each other and in each others eyes. We agreed we both hated dating and the whole online dating thing, and he was even thinking of just giving it up (but he is still on). One of his biggest fears or complaints was that he was a country boy and I was a city girl and he honestly did not think I would be happy in the country, that I would grow to resent him. He again told me that his ex-wife had hated his farm and land from the minute she first stepped foot on it and he heard about it constantly for the next 34 years. He did not want a repeat. I told him (as I also had pointed out was a positive thing in the letter) that I liked the farm, but yes I wanted to make changes to his house so that they fit my/our personal taste and style. (When we first started talking about getting married, we discussed various ideas and changes we could make to the house that we both liked and he was just as excited, even telling my sister about them. When he broke things off and brought up the house, I couldn't even change a roll of toilet paper without him taking it personally as an insult against him. As we were talking on the boat, he again brought up the ideas and changes we had talked about and was once again excited about them, admitting to me again that his house is in desperate need of a woman's touch. I told him what my "dreams" had been on making things work out, how I had figured out ways to solve some of the logistical problems we had and what we would need to do to adjust our lives for each other. We talked about how much we both loved each other's families. I admitted I had made some mistakes during our time together and deeply regretted them, but that I was not 100% to blame for our problems. He agreed with that, saying that he knows that when I annoyed or did something that really bothered him it was his responsibility to have said something, but he didn't. He told me that he was hurting every bit as much as me, that he still cared about me, that the night I left his place hysterical and would not return or answer his calls or texts how worried he had been, that he did not sleep at all that night worrying about me. (He had talked to my sister and she told him she would get in touch with me and see how I was.) We talked about alot of things, with him finally saying this was the talk we should have had 1-2 years ago, and he mainly blamed himself that we hadn't. He'd been at the lake house for about 2 hours and still wanted to get home to get his stuff done so I urged him to go, saying that I would rather he stay but knew his important the other stuff was too. He ended it with saying that between the letter and our talk that he had alot of things to re-think about and get his head around. As we stood up I leaned into him and grinned and told him to hurry up with the thinking so that we could get things back on track. He kind of laughed nervously at that. As he stepped off the boat I had my hands full so asked if he could help me step down. Rather than take what was in my hands so that I could hold on to the rails, he turned around and put out his arms so that he could lift me down. Once I was on the ground, he apologized for laughing, saying that it was a nervous habit. I told him I knew that, that it didn't bother me (never had). As we walked to his truck, I told him that I still had his stuff at my house but would get it to him. He just said OK (previously he had told me not to worry about it...a sweatshirt, a couple of ball hats and undershorts-not a lot or of great value). As we got to his truck and I stepped back so that he could get in, he turned and asked if he could hug me. I wrapped my arms around him the best I could and he held me. When he began to release me, I tightened my hold and said I wasn't done yet, so he held me again. Once we were done I told him how lonely it was staying home every night and maybe we could do something sometime for company. He told me he is also home alone all the time except when he is skating or practicing hockey. As he drove away, I yelled that I still liked his "car", and he yelled back "it's a truck". This had been a private joke between the two of us for a long time.

It has now been a couple of days and I have not communicated with him or heard from him. I am leaving him alone so that he can think and process stuff, but wonder if that is a mistake. One of his complaints is that I don't like his house and we spent most of our time at my house. I don't know if I should pack up his stuff and take it out to him at his house, or wait to see if he contacts me. I would like to think that all of the stuff he did with the trailer, treating me like a lady and being the gentleman, talking probably the most seriously or intimately that we ever had, wanting a hug, and then holding me more and participating in our private "joke" is more of a positive, and that just maybe we have a chance of reuniting rather than him just being kind. If I place myself in his shoes, I don't think I would have voluntarily put myself in the position of spending about 4 hours with a person I no longer cared for, especially if he was worried I would beg him to reconsider our breakup or become hysterical like I did last time. In fact I know I wouldn't bc a friend (to me, but on his side he is in love with me, and now trying to rekindle our relationship knowing about my ex- fiance) needed some outpatient surgery and asked if I could take him to the hospital and stay with him for at least the whole day or longer. I told him I could take him to the hospital, and when he was ready to leave the hospital I could pick him up and take him home, but that I could not take the whole day off work-that we were too busy! I knew he had a son who lived close by and could meet his dad's needs if necessary.

Am I being an idiot to get my hopes up again? In the meantime I am continuing to date as the opportunity arises, but really don't want to hurt anyone if there is a good chance we can reconcile. Any thoughts?

I think it’s good that you two talked. But honestly if he wanted to get back together, he would contact you already. I think it was the end honestly. Sometimes things just don’t work out no matter how much people care. There is no doubt he cares but that’s not enough. I am sorry but I think it’s time to move on. I know it’s hard to let go...

It's a really tough one. I read your latest update all the way through. What I would NOT do is continue any pursuit of him. He has to think so if it's going to come back together, you've made it clear that you're available, that you want him back and what you would do in order to make it work. Your letter seemed like an attempt of pursuit to also win him back over, just from my perspective. Now I would leave it alone, not get your hopes up and continue living your life..... perhaps you may choose to date or not, but I wouldn't get your hopes up right now because there's just no way to know. Also, he has made his reservations very clear about you two being opposites in terms of city vs country. Just don't chase him or try to keep pursuing him OK? That's my best advice!

I dated a wonderful man once, our issue was that we both had minor kids at home at the time and lived long distance (about 5 hour drive), we tried to make it work by seeing each other every other weekend or monthly and it was just too difficult to accomplish. Seeing each other was interfering with custody arrangements with the kids because when he was free I wasn’t and then the other way around.

Then as we started talking about eventual commitment but neither one of us could move at the time (jobs kids custody stipulations elderly parents etc). So we had to end it because there was just no way we could continue it as there was no future there. But there was no other issue whatsoever, he was a great great person.

When I’ve met my now husband we lived 2 hours apart and had conflicting working schedules. I told him (as soon as it was obvious we are serious about each other) that I will not move to his area (I lived in busy metropolitan area while he lived in a middle of nowhere and i won’t live like that ) and will not be changing my job.

He said ok then he will get a job by me and move, and he got a job by me after just few months of dating, the rest is history. But if he was in no position of moving or getting a different job, then we would not continue dating.

It’s no matter how great people are and how great is relationship, timing and life styles are important. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out because of those other issues and there is nothing one can do.

Love doesn’t conquer all. Love is never enough.