advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
DanceEngine7
Member
 
DanceEngine7's Avatar
DanceEngine7 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 135
5 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default May 02, 2019 at 01:00 PM
  #21
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
So sorry that you are struggling DanceEngine. You sound deeply unhappy and that is a really difficult place to be in life. I agree with Iliovar. I think a kind and experienced therapist could really help you. You've tried to let go of the man you were involved with and it didn't work...I think perhaps you need more than sheer willpower...perhaps you would benefit from some thoughtful help and guidance?

For example, some people badly want to improve their diet but no matter how hard they try, they continue to over-eat or eat unhealthy foods. They get stuck in a loop. Or someone dependent on alcohol badly wants to stop drinking but they can't. Along comes a good therapist with some professional strategies and fresh ideas and things start to change because they have support and comfort. I see a parallel with your situation. Does that resonate with you at all? Have you ever tried therapy? If you are currently in therapy or tried it in the past, I recommend finding a new therapist. They are not all of equal experience and skill level.

For what it's worth, I am not judging you at all. People who do judge you are simply playing out their own insecurities....it's not about you, it's about their own unresolved issues. PC is supposed to be a community of support, not moralizing and contempt. You have my empathy and I truly hope that you can find a way to feel better. You are a beautiful being in the Universe. You've just lost your way a bit....we have ALL been there in one way or another. Lost is how we feel right before we find our true path. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it!
Thank you for your help. Years ago I tried therapy a few times but it made me feel worse. The way I see it is I need to be around positive people and environments. Going to see a therapist makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do. If that makes sense? For me it is better to get self help books and use online research. (again, I know myself and I don't expect people to understand) I do have some self help books and am working on doing a few pages a day. I am pretty much a hopeless case
DanceEngine7 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, Bill3

advertisement
Iloivar
Member
Iloivar has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 210
5 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Attention May 02, 2019 at 01:45 PM
  #22
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanceEngine7 View Post
Thank you for your help. Years ago I tried therapy a few times but it made me feel worse. The way I see it is I need to be around positive people and environments. Going to see a therapist makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do. If that makes sense? For me it is better to get self help books and use online research. (again, I know myself and I don't expect people to understand) I do have some self help books and am working on doing a few pages a day. I am pretty much a hopeless case
Why does therapy make you feel worse? And did you only go to a single therapist? If ever you start considering therapy again, how therapy feels is also something that could be explored with your therapist, along with the other issues in your life.

Also, you mention being around negative people daily, is it not possible to distance yourself from these people?

Last edited by Iloivar; May 02, 2019 at 03:01 PM..
Iloivar is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Bill3
Legendary
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
15 yr Member
24.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 02, 2019 at 02:44 PM
  #23
You are not a hopeless case.

Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 02, 2019 at 02:49 PM
  #24
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanceEngine7 View Post
Thank you for your help. Years ago I tried therapy a few times but it made me feel worse. The way I see it is I need to be around positive people and environments. Going to see a therapist makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do. If that makes sense? For me it is better to get self help books and use online research. (again, I know myself and I don't expect people to understand) I do have some self help books and am working on doing a few pages a day. I am pretty much a hopeless case
I don't think you sound hopeless at all! Truly. You are candidly sharing your struggles on a support forum....that takes courage and self-awareness....both important foundations for progress. I believe that you are closer to healing than you realize! In my impression, what may be holding you back a bit is lack of trust in yourself. Or am I way off?

Your self-help books and online research sound wonderful. Did you find anything specific about people struggling with an affair or healing from one? I bet there's some good stuff out there....affairs are so common. I often go to the Psychology Today website for helpful articles and tips on issues that bother me.

I have done therapy too and I had both experiences. One made me feel belittled and criticized. The other was wonderful and I made excellent progress with her. My hunch is that if you felt worse when you talked to a therapist, it wasn't a good therapist. Rapport building is so important. I read an article on Psychology Today about how therapy is only as successful as the relationship between therapist and client! So true! It should feel like a partnership, someone in your corner guiding you while honoring your autonomy. It should NEVER feel like a teacher-student or boss-employee dynamic....that is BAD therapy and does happen at times. That said, therapy is not for everyone. I always suggest it because I think at one point it saved my life and I am planning to do it again soon because my depression is gnawing at me again. But I respect your individuality and wishes.

Let us know how we can help you here. Maybe you'd like some links to articles and self-help ideas....so at least you don't feel alone in your struggle?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, DanceEngine7
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 02, 2019 at 02:54 PM
  #25
There are several people here who care about you and want to help. Does that bring you any comfort or hope DanceEngine?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
DanceEngine7
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 02, 2019 at 02:57 PM
  #26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iloivar View Post
Why does therapy make you feel worse? And did you only go to a single therapist? If ever you start considering therapy again, how therapy feels is also something that could be explored with your therapist, along with the other issues in your life.

Also, you mention being around negative people daily, is it not possible to distance yourself from these people.
I REALLY like the idea of discussing how therapy feels with the therapist. A great therapist will welcome that and help and support. A therapist worth saying goodbye to will be defensive or judgmental...actually quite a good way to screen them! Excellent idea Iliovar! I had a therapist at one point (not my great one) who violated HIPPA and called me a hurtful name at one point because I was scared about something in my life. When I tried to calmly point out these problems, she blamed me rather than taking ownership of her mistakes. It was time to say goodbye. Though to be clear, many therapists would never behave that way. They want to help.

On the PT website, I read that we should look for a therapist who has done their own therapy to work on their issues. Makes sense, right?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 03, 2019 at 09:16 PM
  #27
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanceEngine7 View Post
Yes, you just described my life. thank you for all your responses. I actually need to make changes in all areas of my life....including living arrangements, job, friends, etc.

That's a lot to deal with at once. Basically, a complete overhaul of your life. But it IS possible, one baby step at a time.. it may take some time to accomplish, so be patient with yourself and the process.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
DanceEngine7
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 03, 2019 at 10:21 PM
  #28
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanceEngine7 View Post
Yes, you just described my life. thank you for all your responses. I actually need to make changes in all areas of my life....including living arrangements, job, friends, etc.
I think when you make changes in your life, you’d lose interest in pursuing wrong men. Settling for wrong men and being desperate for one usually a sigh of everything else being wrong, I believe if you improve your life and become healthier you’d go for better relationships. You can do it
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
DanceEngine7
AspiringAuthor
Veteran Member
AspiringAuthor has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: Mountain View
Posts: 629
5 yr Member
374 hugs
given
Default May 03, 2019 at 11:16 PM
  #29
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanceEngine7 View Post
For me it is better to get self help books and use online research. (again, I know myself and I don't expect people to understand) I do have some self help books and am working on doing a few pages a day. I am pretty much a hopeless case
Have you tried reading good engrossing novels instead of self-help books? Esp. novels whose plots revolve around affairs. You would be working through the challenges the protagonist is going through, except in your mind and not in real life, and that work of the mind will make you stronger and might also give you insight into why you on the one hand are willing to take crumbs and on the other hand are simply bored when considering, in your mind, the idea of involvement with a single guy.

A compelling riveting story in a good novel would occupy your mind - you will be grateful for that. Much better than taking drugs, whether physical or allegorical.

__________________
Bipolar I w/Psychotic features

Zyprexa Zydis 5 mg
Gabapentin 1200 mg
Melatonin 10 mg
Levoxyl 75 mcg (because I took Lithium in the past)


past medications: Depakote, Lamictal, Lithium, Seroquel, Trazodone, Risperdal, Cogentin, Remerol, Prozac, Amitriptyline, Ambien, Lorazepam, Klonopin, Saphris, Trileptal, Clozapine and Clozapine+Wellbutrin, Topamax
AspiringAuthor is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Iloivar
Member
Iloivar has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 210
5 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default May 04, 2019 at 09:10 AM
  #30
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
I REALLY like the idea of discussing how therapy feels with the therapist. A great therapist will welcome that and help and support. A therapist worth saying goodbye to will be defensive or judgmental...actually quite a good way to screen them! Excellent idea Iliovar! I had a therapist at one point (not my great one) who violated HIPPA and called me a hurtful name at one point because I was scared about something in my life. When I tried to calmly point out these problems, she blamed me rather than taking ownership of her mistakes. It was time to say goodbye. Though to be clear, many therapists would never behave that way. They want to help.

On the PT website, I read that we should look for a therapist who has done their own therapy to work on their issues. Makes sense, right?
When suggesting that, I didn't really think of it that way. I just assumed that a therapist would be fine exploring that. Since we don't really know whether the OP felt worse from therapy in general, or the therapist she saw. It sounds like the former, and I can't see how a therapist would take offense to that. Then again, im sure there are a few incompetent therapists out there, as evidenced by your experience.

And yeah. It does make sense.

@DanceEngine7

You mention needing to change your living arrangements, friends, job and having depression. Can these be attributed to your desire to look for married men? Im just curious whether that's interrelated with those other issues in your life, or if it's something more seperate. When did this search for married men begin? Is it possible for you to articulate why you fancy married men?
Iloivar is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 04, 2019 at 10:39 AM
  #31
[QUOTE=Iloivar;6522332]When suggesting that, I didn't really think of it that way. I just assumed that a therapist would be fine exploring that. Since we don't really know whether the OP felt worse from therapy in general, or the therapist she saw. It sounds like the former, and I can't see how a therapist would take offense to that. Then again, im sure there are a few incompetent therapists out there, as evidenced by your experience.

Sorry I misunderstood you Iliovar. I realize that Dance Engine didn't say why she felt worse when doing therapy. However, I think a talented and caring therapist would naturally make a client feel better. Yes, therapy can be uncomfortable particularly in the beginning but to actually feel worse? That sounds like a mismatch between therapist and client. I recommend that anyone screen a new therapist. Psychology Today provides helpful checklists and the psych authors who contribute there emphasize that therapy is only as good as the quality of rapport between therapist and client. I also screen doctors, dentists, or prospective landlords. Holding a position or credentials doesn't necessarily ensure that one is good at one's job. And people are particularly vulnerable when confiding in a psychologist. The field has its problems like all other fields. There are more than a few problematic therapists out there just as there are more than a few problematic teachers, doctors, mechanics etc. That's why I always encourage screening. Though of course you folks don't have to agree. Peace to all.

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 04, 2019 at 10:58 AM..
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Iloivar
Iloivar
Member
Iloivar has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 210
5 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default May 04, 2019 at 11:03 AM
  #32
[QUOTE=SilverTrees;6522415]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iloivar View Post
When suggesting that, I didn't really think of it that way. I just assumed that a therapist would be fine exploring that. Since we don't really know whether the OP felt worse from therapy in general, or the therapist she saw. It sounds like the former, and I can't see how a therapist would take offense to that. Then again, im sure there are a few incompetent therapists out there, as evidenced by your experience.

Sorry I misunderstood you Iliovar. I realize that Dance Engine didn't say why she felt worse when doing therapy. However, I think a talented and caring therapist would naturally make a client feel better. Yes, therapy can be uncomfortable particularly in the beginning but to actually feel worse? That sounds like a mismatch between therapist and client. I recommend that anyone screen a new therapist. Psychology Today provides helpful checklists and the psych authors who contribute there emphasize that therapy is only as good as the quality of rapport between therapist and client. I also screen doctors, dentists, or prospective landlords. Holding a position or credentials doesn't necessarily ensure that one is good at one's job. And people are particularly vulnerable when confiding in a psychologist. The field has its problems like all other fields. There are more than a few problematic therapists out there just as there are more than a few problematic teachers, doctors, mechanics etc. That's why I always encourage screening. Though of course you folks don't have to agree. Peace to all.
No need to apologize. If anything you gave better reasoning than what I had in mind when suggesting that.
Iloivar is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
DanceEngine7
Member
 
DanceEngine7's Avatar
DanceEngine7 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 135
5 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default May 05, 2019 at 08:42 PM
  #33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iloivar View Post
When suggesting that, I didn't really think of it that way. I just assumed that a therapist would be fine exploring that. Since we don't really know whether the OP felt worse from therapy in general, or the therapist she saw. It sounds like the former, and I can't see how a therapist would take offense to that. Then again, im sure there are a few incompetent therapists out there, as evidenced by your experience.

And yeah. It does make sense.

@DanceEngine7

You mention needing to change your living arrangements, friends, job and having depression. Can these be attributed to your desire to look for married men? Im just curious whether that's interrelated with those other issues in your life, or if it's something more seperate. When did this search for married men begin? Is it possible for you to articulate why you fancy married men?
Yes, my decision to have affairs is exactly why I did. because of my living situations and everything else in my life. It started years ago when I started seeing a guy that was still married (he is divorced now) and then i think it just escalated to where I just went online looking for married men. I feel as if I can't give a man anything except sex. So I figured married men want sex and thats all I want from them so I just went ahead and did it. But this guy just got a hold on me.
DanceEngine7 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076
DanceEngine7
Member
 
DanceEngine7's Avatar
DanceEngine7 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 135
5 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default Jun 01, 2019 at 10:28 PM
  #34
I have been doing good over the last month, not thinking about him as much and not much desire to even see him. And then the last few days I'm not sure what happened but I keep thinking about him and I want to see him. I actually couldn't believe how easy it was this time getting over him. And now I'm back to wanting to see him.

I have been trying to no avail to get another job. I need income! I think that is bringing me down. I also have no money to go on vacation anywhere AGAIN. I am sick of this predicament I am in. I really just want to get in car and drive away and start a whole new life. I have been trapped for years. I also get depressed in the summer.
DanceEngine7 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, Bill3
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
luvyrself
Poohbah
 
luvyrself's Avatar
luvyrself has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,280
8 yr Member
136 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 02, 2019 at 05:32 AM
  #35
This man is taking your time, your focus, your energy and only for a bad result. Put all that energy toward finding a real relationship. He’s a cheater and will probably always b one. Find someone who is truly monogamous that you care for and put all your energy into that—the results will b a lot better!

__________________
Bipolar 2 with anxious distress
mixed states & rapid cycling under severe stress
tegretol 200 mg
wellbutrin 75 mg, cut in half or higher dose as needed
Regular aerobic exercise
SKILLSET/KNOWLEDGE BASE:
Family Medical Advocate
Masters in Library Science
Multiple Subject Teaching Credential-15 yrs in public schools
luvyrself is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 02, 2019 at 06:48 AM
  #36
What’s your career field if you don’t mind me asking. There are options like recruitment agencies and vocational agencies etc that could help you with a job search. Or you might even go to school for additional training do you can nail a better job
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:41 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.