"Do as I say, not as I do" crap

Hi all. I've tried posting this on reddit but it was taking too long to get approved and I need help immediately. Mostly just need second and third opinions from outside, non-biased people.

I'm [26F] sick as hell of my boyfriend's [28M] "do as I say, not as I do" BS.

We're both gamers and we both have histories of quitting when we're angry with the game, called rage-quitting, that I thought we've grown out of, I know I have. We tend to avoid games in which we fight other real players and tend to play games where we fight against in-game enemies. This one game we play, 99.9% of the time we're together, us vs the environment. Like I said, we never play against other players, until last week.

We were playing with his friend and they pressured me into trying to play against other players, saying "it's not cancer" and "it'll be just like the pre-game test." The pre-game test was incredibly fun and laid back, but I went in knowing it was going to be a **** show. So we join and it was as **** show as expected, couldn't move without being one shot killed and being downed immediately because people had far better weapons than expected, yeah it was cancer. We lost, barely killing anyone on the other team. I said, "this is stupid" once the entire round after going down for the umpteenth time, but I kept my cool, I didn't smash things or scream. When the round was over, bf said "well now we can't say we didn't try" and I replied back, completely nonchalantly, "yeah it was still a waste of time" and he decided that I was angry over it and decided to yell "oh my God CHILL THE **** OUT IT'S JUST A GAME." I quit the game immediately and left our Discord call. According to him, his friend was like "wtf is wrong with her."

He went on discord chat and started going off on me, asking "why you gotta be like that," telling me again to "chill the **** out it's just a game, acting like you're ****ing dying." I wasn't, I wasn't mad at the game, I was mad at him for yelling at me when he thought I was angry at it. Then he told me I was embarrassing and when I asked "to who?" he said "yourself." I had to tell him a grand total of 4 times that I was not mad at the game I was mad that he opened his ****ing mouth and said something dickish. He claims I said "ITS SUCH A WASTE OF TIME" and "THIS IS STUPID" multiple times, which meant I was clearly in a rage. None of this is true, I said "man this is stupid" once, totally chill, and made the comment about that round being a waste of time because, well, it was. I went in expecting **** and got ****, play **** games win **** prizes. I told him this, and apparently that made me "cynical." Well, sorry I'm not optimistic about something stupid, like a dumb video game, and life isn't all unicorn farts and rainbows.

I told him he was being a **** and he was adamant he did nothing wrong, asking "how was I being a ****?" and saying "I was't being a ****, you were thinking I was" and then he finally asked "anything else I did wrong that you want to lay out on me?" just expecting me to give him a long, concise list of all the things I "perceived" he's done wrong in this situation. How come it's a sin for me to be cynical but it's okay for him to be cynical?

I was ready to move past the stupid player vs player round, until he yelled "CHILL THE **** OUT" at me. If he said nothing then we would've went back to the story and played some missions against the in-game enemies like we do normally. But nope, he had to go there. Probably to look like a hotshot in front of his friend or something idk.

Here's the kicker: we were playing again last night, doing a mission on challenging (basically repeating the same mission but the enemies are harder) and we were at the very last stage of the mission. We kept dying, his friend had to leave so it was just us. We died ~3 more times? Then he yelled something along the lines of "UGH I HATE THIS ****ING GAME", I heard smashing, and then his name said "Disconnected." He rage quit, and a real one. Did I yell "CHILL THE **** OUT IT'S JUST A GAME" to him? No. Why? I knew it would do nothing but make him angrier and it is an overall ******* thing to do. So I waited, without speaking, for him to say he was getting off, which he did 3 minutes later. Should I have yelled that back to him? No, that would be petty as ****, right?

I guess him ragequitting during a mission was perfectly ****ing fine because it wasn't us fighting other players or something.

I'm a daughter of narcissists and I've dealt with this "do as I say not as I do" **** for the entirety of my life. My friends are pretty much at this point demanding I break up with him because he's such a manipulative piece of **** (their words not mine).

Now? He apologized for quitting in a rage and my response was just "yep" because all I could think of "how come it's okay for YOU to do it AND SMASH things but God forbid I do anything even close?" I didn't say anything to him because I know it'll be a battle of "I did nothing wrong it's all you, again, wanna tell me all the things I did wrong?" I didn't want to initiate a carousel argument where we go around for eternity and nothing gets solved. I didn't want to say anything anyway because I felt it would come off as childish.

I'm ****ing tired and too old for this ****. I don't know what to do after this. I know talking to him about it will do jack ****. Do I talk to him? Do I dump him? Was I really being a baby and was yelling "CHILL THE **** OUT" at me acceptable? He told me I absolutely cannot take criticism so he feels justified in telling that to me. I don't know who is valid in this situation, I feel like if I bring up an argument with "how come YOU can do that but I can't" sounds like a teenage kid who is mad about something and they stomp their feet and scream "THAT'S SO UNFAIR" like a brat.

Do the two of you have opportunity to spend time together, outside of gaming? Maybe reconnecting doing something could help? Otherwise, it's fantastical of him to not recognize that he did the very thing he expressed displeasure in you about.

I mean, I'd dump a dude for that crap, no doubt about it. No one yells at me like that and gets away with it. Period. I dealt with enough abuse and controlling behavior from my parents, I will not tolerate it from a mate.

You said "I know talking to him about it will do jack ****." If you truly believe that's the case, end it. If you think there's any hope, which I think you do or you wouldn't post this, then calmly ask if you can have a serious discussion with him. Don't approach it in an accusatory way, use "I" statements, like "I feel badly when you do this and that for this reason". If he can't handle having an calm adult discussion then it doesn't sound like a good long term relationship to go into.

I mean, I guess. I live in a small town and there's NOTHING to do over here so unless we want to be very bored staring off into space together, gaming seems to be the only thing we do together because it's literally the only thing we can do.

We only see each other Friday night-Monday morning and I work a day on the weekend because we live about 40 minutes away from each other.

I know it is. I mentioned it on Saturday and he laughed at how it was still an "issue." I guess "issues" are resolved the second he stops caring about them.

I tried talking to him on Saturday about it and he laughed at how it's "still an issue." So I guess problems suddenly disappear if he no longer considers something a problem. He didn't apologize, either, so I was pretty much right that talking about it to him would do jack ****.

He agrees that he "says stupid things" but he didn't really show remorse, I think, for it. I mean, we all say stupid things. I've never invalidated him the same way he does to me, though. Then again I'm not sure he even knows what it feels like to be invalidated. I grew up in a narcissistic family and my feelings have NEVER been validated so I've been forcefully living with that feeling.

We've been together for 7 years btw.

I really cannot imagine getting so involved in gaming. The two of you are adults.

I think he’s got a lot of growing up to do. From the things he says to you he has a very low / non existent maturity level and EQ.

Is that really what you want from a relationship? I think you deserve so much more!