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ssintas
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Default May 02, 2019 at 05:45 PM
  #1
I don't know where to start I love my girlfriend of about a year and a half very much, but we've been having the same two issues since we got together. We are both women in our twenties. To start with, I'll give you a snapshot of our conflict styles.

Me: confrontational, argumentative, logical. I am good at expressing my emotions. I generally don't things take personally when we're arguing, I just want to fix whatever's wrong. I am, admittedly, very stubborn and want to get my way. While I don't get sad very often while arguing, I can build a temper. My gf says that I sometimes take on a very condescending and mean tone that makes her feel stupid. I am ashamed to say that when I'm very angry, I can say things for the sake of being mean. I'm working very hard on getting rid of this habit because it's just awful. I hate myself for it. I do not raise my voice at all, although I do sound frustrated and irritable.

My GF: passive, nervous, and silent. When we argue about anything, she says she doesn't know what to say, and remains silent or just says "sorry, ok, sorry," over and over again. This is not just when I'm angry--this is just when we're having a calm discussion too. She is quick to cry, takes things very personally, and is bad at expressing herself. She is visibly anxious during any arguments we have--she will compulsively scratch at herself, stroke the blanket, pull on things, etc. (I want to clarify here that I am NOT acting in any way that would make most people nervous or fearful. I don't raise my voice, make sudden movements, storm around, or break things. I'm usually just sitting next to her in bed when this happens. I've never encountered someone like my gf in terms of her conflict style).

The issues we have:

#1. Communication. She will not talk. When we're discussing anything even remotely uncomfortable, she clams up and claims she doesn't know what to say. I believe her, and I guess it has to do with anxiety or something? I'm used to people who are good at arguing off the cuff. Anyways, this is incredibly frustrating to me. I try and ask her questions, ask for her opinion, state my own opinion, and then...she says nothing. It's very defeating and I don't know why she won't. Just. Talk. It's like talking into a void! The worst part is that, since any minor unrelated issue we have comes to this, we end up fighting about this every time we squabble about anything else.

I genuinely want to help her with this. She told me that she's had this issue in other relationships as well. I try to remain very calm when this is happening and ask her what's going on, what she's thinking about, things to bring her out of her shell. But when I still get nothing, my temper builds and she'll shrug and say, "I don't know what to say." I always feel like screaming "THINK OF SOMETHING!!"

This is our main issue. I desperately want to help her so that she's able to express herself during our discussions. If she were able to do this, our fights would nearly disappear.

#2. I am not touchy feely. I don't like to be touched sexually outside of sex. I don't want anyone running their hands up and down my body, grabbing my ***, boobs, or anything else if we're not having sex. I like to cuddle a lot and be close--but I don't want the sexual contact OUTSIDE OF SEX. I do like sex, to be clear. We're fine there. I have sensory issues and am easily overwhelmed and then irritated. I've been reduced to tears several times over this.

Unfortunately, my GF likes all of the things I've mentioned above. She doesn't do them anymore, due to previous discussions we've had, but it makes her feel sad that she can't. I don't really understand this, because I wouldn't want to do something to her that makes her uncomfortable--so why does she want to do it to me? There are things she doesn't like that I wish I could do, but I don't because I wouldn't want to make her unhappy. She has made huge productions over this issue--fights in restaurants, before bed...it's plagued us for months.

I feel very guilty that she can't touch me in ways that would make her happy, but at the same time I'm not going to make her happy at the expense of my physical comfort. Also, why should I feel guilty for not wanting to be touched certain ways? Why should I be guilted over this? Am I being unreasonable?

Woof, that's a big wall of text. Thanks for reading. Any input is very very appreciated. Hopefully all this doesn't make me sound like the big bad wolf--I really am committed to working through issues with her. I love her so much and we have a great time together, except for these two issues. Thanks.
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Default May 02, 2019 at 10:19 PM
  #2
There;s no way to draw someone out of their shell. IF after ALL attempts, she still doesn't have anything to say to you, I'd say it's a fundamental incompatibility. You have power over her in this way; she is passive and doesn't respond. I'd also say that her wanting to touch you is also a basic and fundamental incompatibility.

Couples cannot be 100% compatible in all ways.

So the question is: where are you compatible? In what areas? Can you relate well in other ways that are fundamental to a long-lasting relationship? Trust? Faithfulness? Spiritual and political beliefs? Values? Lifestyles? Sexually within the bedroom when you desire to be intimate with her? Are you compatible in these critical areas?

Communication can be worked on, but you also cannot force it. You would have to accept that she is not the same as you are in this area.

It also strikes me, again, that she is sad about your boundaries. This came up in your last thread & it seemed she stopped. But the issue was she doesn't want to respect your boundaries. That is pretty big. She is not appreciative or showing appreciation of YOUR feelings. As you had stated before, you would respect someone's feelings if they felt uncomfortable, and you would not want them to feel that way. She does not respect your feelings, even if she is restraining herself. How does that make you feel?

Last edited by Anonymous40643; May 02, 2019 at 10:35 PM..
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Default May 02, 2019 at 10:20 PM
  #3
It seems like both of you are putting in the effort with mininal results, perhaps couples therapy could be an option if you haven't tried it already? Unless you don't deem those two issues serious enough for such an action since you said the relationship is otherwise great. So to what extent do these two issue affect the relationship?

you mention if she has adequate communication skills then the fights would stop. How do these fights begin?

As for the sexual touching. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. You shouldn't feel guilty because it's likely something out of your control. Particularly if there's no discernable reason as to why you're like that (such as a bad experience)

I also do think it's normal for your gf to respect your boundaries while mourning the fact she can't be touchy feely with you. Again, it might be a preference out of her control and of particular importance to her. It starts to be an issue though if she persists in wanting to do so after being told no multiple times
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Default May 03, 2019 at 11:31 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
There;s no way to draw someone out of their shell. IF after ALL attempts, she still doesn't have anything to say to you, I'd say it's a fundamental incompatibility. You have power over her in this way; she is passive and doesn't respond. I'd also say that her wanting to touch you is also a basic and fundamental incompatibility.

Couples cannot be 100% compatible in all ways.

So the question is: where are you compatible? In what areas? Can you relate well in other ways that are fundamental to a long-lasting relationship? Trust? Faithfulness? Spiritual and political beliefs? Values? Lifestyles? Sexually within the bedroom when you desire to be intimate with her? Are you compatible in these critical areas?

Communication can be worked on, but you also cannot force it. You would have to accept that she is not the same as you are in this area.

It also strikes me, again, that she is sad about your boundaries. This came up in your last thread & it seemed she stopped. But the issue was she doesn't want to respect your boundaries. That is pretty big. She is not appreciative or showing appreciation of YOUR feelings. As you had stated before, you would respect someone's feelings if they felt uncomfortable, and you would not want them to feel that way. She does not respect your feelings, even if she is restraining herself. How does that make you feel?
We are compatible in more ways than not. She is my best friend--we live together with no issues regarding day to day life, trust, sex, values, etc...We are very comfortable together.

It makes me feel confused, frankly. I've accused of of being entitled (to my body), and she said that she didn't feel like she was, she was simply sad that I wasn't receptive to one of the ways she shows love. She does feel bad for making me uncomfortable. It's a weird situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iloivar View Post
It seems like both of you are putting in the effort with mininal results, perhaps couples therapy could be an option if you haven't tried it already? Unless you don't deem those two issues serious enough for such an action since you said the relationship is otherwise great. So to what extent do these two issue affect the relationship?

you mention if she has adequate communication skills then the fights would stop. How do these fights begin?

As for the sexual touching. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. You shouldn't feel guilty because it's likely something out of your control. Particularly if there's no discernable reason as to why you're like that (such as a bad experience)

I also do think it's normal for your gf to respect your boundaries while mourning the fact she can't be touchy feely with you. Again, it might be a preference out of her control and of particular importance to her. It starts to be an issue though if she persists in wanting to do so after being told no multiple times
The fights usually begin with a discussion. Usually there's something that's upset one of us, and I broach the topic, and get little communication back. I start getting frustrated that she isn't communicating...and it all starts.

I don't know if these issues are serious enough to break up over. We have an amazing time together otherwise, and I am so irritable that these two issues have been plaguing us! I want the problems to go away, but they feel hard to solve when one of the issues is about communication itself

And thank you for reassuring me. I often wish that I was more touchy feely for her, but then I guess I wouldn't be myself.
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Default May 04, 2019 at 07:02 AM
  #5
I wonder if you and she are sort of mirror images.

She wants to do a lot physically in the moment. You can’t do that or don’t want to.

You on the other hand want stuff discussed in the moment. She can’t do that or doesn’t want to.

You want her to use a different style for sex.

I bet she wants you to use a different style for discussion/issue resolution.

*

These issues aren’t “her problems”, and they aren’t “your problems”.

They are differences in style.

The challenge here, I think, is for both sides to find ways to compromise on both issues.
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Default May 04, 2019 at 08:48 AM
  #6
You just seem to be different people. You either figure how to blend or split. No point to try changing each other
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Default May 04, 2019 at 10:20 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I wonder if you and she are sort of mirror images.

She wants to do a lot physically in the moment. You can’t do that or don’t want to.

You on the other hand want stuff discussed in the moment. She can’t do that or doesn’t want to.

You want her to use a different style for sex.

I bet she wants you to use a different style for discussion/issue resolution.

*

These issues aren’t “her problems”, and they aren’t “your problems”.

They are differences in style.

The challenge here, I think, is for both sides to find ways to compromise on both issues.
I respectfully disagree. I believe that if someone cannot handle any kind of discussion without going silent or panicking, there is a problem. Relationships need communication.

Also, we do not have issues with sex, rather just with touching when we're hanging out.
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Default May 04, 2019 at 10:24 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
You just seem to be different people. You either figure how to blend or split. No point to try changing each other
Yes, I never intended to change her. My intentions are towards finding a comfortable compromise or understanding so that we don't keep having the same issues moving forward.
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Default May 05, 2019 at 01:33 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by ssintas View Post
Yes, I never intended to change her. My intentions are towards finding a comfortable compromise or understanding so that we don't keep having the same issues moving forward.
But it sounds like you are putting all of the relationship problems on your girlfriend, rather than look at the entire relationship as a whole, which from what you've written shows that you and your girlfriend are fundamentally different and are, sorry to say, incompatible.

Was your girlfriend previously emotionally or physically abused? From the way she responds to your confrontational style, it tells me she has been. Has she been abused?

3 reasons why your girlfriend shuts down the way she does:

1. To avoid being emotionally injured by you.
2. She has difficulty admitting to you that you're not meeting her emotional needs b/c either her parents didn't (they emotionally neglected her, for example), or some adult caretaker in her life emotionally neglected her and taught her that her asking for emotional support is a punishable act.
3. She is afraid you will shame or judge or criticize her when she tries to express herself genuinely to you.

How do you handle criticism? Do you blame the other person for their observations rather than look at how your actions affect someone else?

Or, do you take into consideration that what they say may have some merit, and you are genuinely willing to try to change to accommodate their emotional needs?

If you can't learn how to accommodate your partner's emotional needs, then you will never be in a healthy relationship with anyone.

3 Reasons Why People Shut Down Emotionally - Trauma Solutions
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Default May 05, 2019 at 02:25 PM
  #10
I'm afraid I must agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could, ssintas! There's no point in trying to change her! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could about trying out couple counselling if you haven't already, ssintas! I feel like that may be REALLY helpful to BOTH of you! It IS important to reach a compromise if you want to efficiently communicate! Communication is a VERY important aspect in EVERY relationship after all! I hope you'll BOTH be able to work it out and to get through all of this! Relationships are not easy, but if you DO get some help I'm SURE that you'll get out of all of this and that you'll be able to live the happy, fulfilling relationship that you're BOTH looking for and that you BOTH need and deserve, ssintas! Just try to stick with it and to HANG ON as much as you possibly can, ok? We'll be here for you! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL FOT HAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Remember that we're here for you if you need it, ssintas! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to HELP YOU OUT! Just LET US KNOW and MENTION IT and we'll DO EVERYTHING WE POSSIBLY CAN and we'll TRY TO DO OUR BEST to HELP YOU BOTH OUT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK!!!!! Let us know how it goes, ok? We DO want to know how things are going for BOTH of you and if things are getting ANY better for BOTH OF YOU! Sending many hugs to you and your girlfriend, ssintas!
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Default May 07, 2019 at 11:16 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
But it sounds like you are putting all of the relationship problems on your girlfriend, rather than look at the entire relationship as a whole, which from what you've written shows that you and your girlfriend are fundamentally different and are, sorry to say, incompatible.

Was your girlfriend previously emotionally or physically abused? From the way she responds to your confrontational style, it tells me she has been. Has she been abused?

3 reasons why your girlfriend shuts down the way she does:

1. To avoid being emotionally injured by you.
2. She has difficulty admitting to you that you're not meeting her emotional needs b/c either her parents didn't (they emotionally neglected her, for example), or some adult caretaker in her life emotionally neglected her and taught her that her asking for emotional support is a punishable act.
3. She is afraid you will shame or judge or criticize her when she tries to express herself genuinely to you.

How do you handle criticism? Do you blame the other person for their observations rather than look at how your actions affect someone else?

Or, do you take into consideration that what they say may have some merit, and you are genuinely willing to try to change to accommodate their emotional needs?

If you can't learn how to accommodate your partner's emotional needs, then you will never be in a healthy relationship with anyone.

3 Reasons Why People Shut Down Emotionally - Trauma Solutions
If it sounds like I am putting all the problems on her, then I am probably coming off wrong. I have my own issues as well that I am working on. But this post is about two issues in specific, so I see why it may appear otherwise. And with this issue in particular, I cannot do much besides sit and wait when she goes silent. I am trying to find other resources and insight to understand why she behaves the way she does. Since we're in a relationship, it's both of our problem.

However, this is an issue that we both agreed we needed to overcome--did I mention that she WANTS to be able to express herself better? She has asked me to help her overcome her silent reaction because it bothers her as well. It bothers her a lot. I am not forcing anything and again, I love her for who she is and am not trying to change her.

We are not incompatible, as we enjoy a lot of our time together and only have several issues, with this being one of them. It is a bit presumptuous and rude for you to say that with very little knowledge of our relationship overall. Sorry if I'm coming off as mean, but this is how I feel. Also, I'm sorry if I gave any misinformation or made it seem as though we are unhappy together, because as a whole we are very happy. As a poster said previously, no couple is 100% perfect for each other.

I am always looking to improve myself both in a relationship and out of it. I'm willing to make compromises over any issue we have. I really want both of us to be happy--that's the goal. Sorry if I'm coming off as a bit angry, but this post struck me as having a bad tone. Especially that last line--what makes you believe I am not trying to make her happy and accommodate her? If there is something I need to change about how I approach her, and that will help her communicate more effectively, I am 100% on board. I want to hear what she has to say so that any future conflicts can be resolved with respect to both of our inputs and feelings.

I often try to see if I am the one causing her shut downs. I check myself--do I sound angry or upset, am I I in a bad mood? But this issue arises whenever I bring up a conversation that isn't comfortable, something that's been bothering me or something that she seems upset about. As soon as I bring it up, she shuts down, and I'm not sure what to do--that's why I posted here and have been researching. She WANTS to be able to communicate--it is a problem she's had in other relationships as well.

And she has never been abused. She might have been slightly alone as a kid, as her siblings are more needy than she is, but she was not neglected or anything. Thank you for your insight and the website you linked.



Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm afraid I must agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could, ssintas! There's no point in trying to change her! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could about trying out couple counselling if you haven't already, ssintas! I feel like that may be REALLY helpful to BOTH of you! It IS important to reach a compromise if you want to efficiently communicate! Communication is a VERY important aspect in EVERY relationship after all! I hope you'll BOTH be able to work it out and to get through all of this! Relationships are not easy, but if you DO get some help I'm SURE that you'll get out of all of this and that you'll be able to live the happy, fulfilling relationship that you're BOTH looking for and that you BOTH need and deserve, ssintas! Just try to stick with it and to HANG ON as much as you possibly can, ok? We'll be here for you! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL FOT HAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Remember that we're here for you if you need it, ssintas! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to HELP YOU OUT! Just LET US KNOW and MENTION IT and we'll DO EVERYTHING WE POSSIBLY CAN and we'll TRY TO DO OUR BEST to HELP YOU BOTH OUT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK!!!!! Let us know how it goes, ok? We DO want to know how things are going for BOTH of you and if things are getting ANY better for BOTH OF YOU! Sending many hugs to you and your girlfriend, ssintas!
Haha thank you for the support <3 Again, I'm not trying to change her, it's an issue she's expressed wanting to resolve as well. But I am definitely one to stick with a person through all types of stuff, so I'm sure we will be just fine Thanks so much.

Last edited by ssintas; May 07, 2019 at 12:40 PM..
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