which is the best choice

I have separated with my husband of 16 years who left me for another woman. After a year they got separated and came back but I was so angry with him that I moved out and live with another guy. He then left to his own country and am staying with that new guy and my son(with my ex husband). However my ex keeps in touch with his son telling him he wants to come back but that it depends on his mommy, me. My new live in boyfriend is a married guy with 5 children and one illegitimate son of 2 months. When we got involved, I told him to go back to his family but he said he already planned to leave whenever he got a chance and that he already told the wife well before we met. They have issues before we met but he doesn't have a home so now living in mine. He provides financial support for his children despite his low income so most of our expenses fall on me. My exhusband is also waiting for me to pay for his plane tickets. My family wants me to get back together with my ex because of our son. They said this new guy will eventually go back to his family. The new guy is so high tempered and has He keeps contact with his eldest son who works at the same company. When I asked him if he is planning to go back, he said it depends on whether I could love his children. Which one to choose for the best?Am so mixed up I don't know which one I love more. We have been separated with my ex for 3 years but in contact online several times a year. I am now staying with the new guy for 5 months. I feel used financially by both of them even though they said they love me.

Why do you need to choose either of them?

To me, it isn't as good option to stay with a guy who hits you.

You say you love them but it doesn't sound like you're enjoying your bf's company.

What about your boyfriend do you love that doesn't even make you mention the thought of leaving him? Why do you stay with him?

I think you should consider leaving him. You've only been with your bf
for 5 months and he's already shown to be an abuser. There's a real possibility it could escalate and become worse for you, and talking to him about his wrong behaviour doesn't seem to be an option either. First of all, he's already crossed a huge boundary with physical abuse. He seems to have no consideration for your well being, at least in that regard. Then there's his temper, any conversation that includes you standing up for yourself and/or telling him your leaving could simply set him off. If you truly do leave, then i'd just depart without his knowledge.

Even if he does truly love you, love alone is not a reason to stay if he doesn't treat you well.

I am so sorry that you are going through this Nikunauan. It sounds like a very confusing and painful situation. I think for now, the best thing to think about is what is best for you and your son. A partner who hits you is going to hit you again. It is not your fault. You did not cause it. And you do not deserve it. You deserve peace and respect. He is an abusive person. Men who hit their partners often also hit children. If he hits you again or you feel it coming, please call the police right away. That will immediately send a clear message to him that he is not allowed to hurt you. He is committing a crime against you; being in a relationship does not make it okay to be violent. Do you have access to any shelters or domestic violence support programs in your area? I think you would really benefit from some help from a third party.

Try to take some time away from making decisions about the relationships. If you do not know of a shelter or domestic violence support program in your area, you can call the police and they will help you link up to support. Tell those folks about your situation. They help so many people in this type of situation. They will know how to guide you while also respecting the fact that you are an adult and you make your own choices in life.

Please focus on yourself and your son. Safety and respect first for both of you. The rest of the decisions can be figured out later. I am sending you a big, safe hug. I wish you and your child the very best as you navigate this. Your present does not have to be your future.

I don't know the healthcare system where you live but another option is your local doctor. You could tell him/her that you don't feel safe at home. Hopefully they will have resources to help you and your child.

Married man with 6 kids who abuses you financially
and physically is really a scary choice. Please try to find ways to get away from him.

Your ex has rights to have relationship with his son but he also has obligation to help you to raise this son financially.

Please don’t spend any money on these men. If you live in Kiribati in my understanding your country struggles economically. You likely have a nice job and you sound intelligent so it sounds like these men taking advantage of you.

Both men sound like bad relationship material and the married one is downright scary

How is police force and law enforcement in your country? Could you talk to a police officer about this man hitting you? They can hopefully help you to press charges against him. Hugs and please be safe

In my opinion, neither of them is a good choice. Abuse, in my opinion, is a deal-breaker and you deserve to be safe. Adultery is also a deal-breaker.

You may have to maintain contact with your ex-spouse for the sake of your son, but you don't have to live with anyone.

If you don't know which one you love it's probably neither of them. Get away from the two losers and find a ugly perv with plenty money to share for your love. Money beats love hands down. Get a handsome pre nup and you will be in heaven compared to your current hell. I don't touch a dude till I know his net worth is over $500,000 and he is serious about a long term relationship with me.

I agree with you that two losers got to go.

But how realistic is it for her to find a man with half million assets and why does he need to be a perv and ugly?

Plus not every woman wants to be supported by a man. Many prefer equality. I’d never take on a man to support because I have better ways to spend my money but I also never in my life depended on a man.

I like a nice life style to which we contribute equally being equal partners (not talking about emergency when spouses have health problems and need to rely on each other, talking about normal circumstances)..

OP might enjoy equality with a partner especially since .she has a job and supports herself and her kid

This actually sounds very unhealthy.

It sounds as if you are advocating having her take advantage of a man .. possibly emotionally abuse him in process since you say he needs to be ugly and presumably somebody she does not truly love since you say "money beats love hands down" .. simply for his money, while not bothering to worry about returning anything to him (love). At the same time you are saying bc she does not love these 2 she should get rid of them. Your whole response revolves around her not loving them but them needing to have money. Sounds as if you are vengeful toward men and advocating other women be the same.
You are not even mentioning the abuse issues she raised. Is that of no significance? Or only money? Would it be ok so long as he had enough money? I am not asking these questions to be cruel - but to truly understand your line of thought here.

Honestly ..unless you want your ex to come back bc you love and trust him, it would be healthiest to keep the relationship with him as is.

The boyfriend who is abusing you needs to go - but I know how hard it is to break away from abuse. Do you have counselors to help you with that?

I agree with the others that say neither.

I have an acquaintance that went through something similar. She found out her husband was cheating on her and had in the past as well. He left her for the new woman and they divorced. Her ex married his affair partner.

She quickly married a guy she met when on the rebound who had 3 kids and another on the way. He also spent a lot on child support and had debts, so she had to pay most of the bills. Fast forward 3 years later and she just had divorce #2 granted.

I am not sure if husband #2 was abusive, but my husband represented her in court at the divorce hearing. He said the way she reacted when it was finalized made him felt like there were some bad things going on in that marriage that she was not telling him. She was so happy to be free.

Jumping into a new relationship so quickly, especially with someone who is abusive and expects you to maintain him, is a recipe for disaster. It seems to me that people often do that, maybe because they don’t want to be alone, or they want to demonstrate to their ex that they are over them. There can be exceptions, but I think it’s often not a wise idea.

My 2 cents, take some time to focus on yourself and your son; get some therapy if that is an option. Once you are in a better space mentally, then you can start thinking about dating again.