When there's doubt in relationships

We had a talk about our future together. He's been married before and I feel I'm pushing for marriage and kids with him.. or atleast a plan or guarantee that one day it will happen.

He said 'just to let me know' that he would probably commit suicide if we had kids and I decided to divorce him. Then that made me say "well would it be easier if I didn't want all this?" And he said "well, yes" which makes me think I'm forcing or pushing him to want this. He's honest and says he's been through it before and he doesn't want to go through it (divorce) again. I told him that i hoped that 'we' would feel different to his first time and he would be less doubtful, and i would feel like 'the one all along' --- im such a hopeless romantic I know. He says I'm 'the one' ( not sure how he defines that) - I felt all these uncomfortable feelings when he said that - maybe because I don't believe him or maybe because I thought "the one" would feel different and have more certainty or maybe because i didnt really want to say it back.

It really hurt me when he said "I couldn't ask my friends to be my best men again, it would be awkward" "getting married again would be awkward.. it would have to be something low key with just family and very close friends". That made me feel very unspecial and makes me think he doesn't believe in "the one" anymore because if he did it wouldn't matter that he'd been married before, this time would be different and was always meant to be.

he's so uncertain and anxious about the future but now im also becoming more uncertain and insecure as well. He wants to move and settle in his small hometown and I don't really want to. he said he did everything his wife wanted in his first marriage and he's not going to make the same mistake. I asked if he would move away even if I didn't want to because "he's not going to make the same mistake again". He didn't take it seriously and brushed if off saying that I hadnt got any other plans. I havent exactly told him I don't want to move but I've expressed concerns with it - being so far away from my family, having to end my career because there's no work for me out there( not that I love my career though), being so far away from hospitals, any shops, entertainment, universities. He just states the obvious "find another job" "your family is only 3 hours away" "we can live at my parents for free" "the city is only 3 hours away"

I dont think I'm a stable functional adult so sometimes I think that maybe in a weird way we are ideal for each other - but then am i just saying that to myself as an excuse to stay passive and unhappy? I don't think a stable person would want me, after all I've been through.

What should I say when he asks "are you going to leave me because of how I view marriage and Kids?". This was a hard question because I love him and don't to leave but then obviously I don't want to settle for unhappy.

How does this look from an outsiders perspective?

From outsiders perspective it looks like you two just aren’t a good match and he really doesn’t want to be married. Since you keep pushing, he pretty much finds excuses why he can’t marry. Him threatening suicide is absolutely bizarre.

One other thing strikes me odd is that he, a grown man, finds perspective of living with parents rent free as a great prospect. It’s so out there I can’t wrap my mind around. He sounds like bad marriage material to me. He might be nice enough guy but not to marry.

Now I had to comment that his lack of desire for lavish wedding isn’t an indication of lack of commitment. I am married to “the one” but I had zero desire to have any kind of big wedding. Mostly because we were both married before. People don’t typically do big weddings second time around.

Weddings are just ceremonies, marriage is a commitment. focusing on having big wedding just seems to cloud other issues that you two have. Big wedding has zero importance

Why can’t you tell him how you feel about moving? If my husband said he wants to move to a city/area/town that I don’t want to live in, no way I’d be quiet. He needs to know you don’t want to move

Honestly you’ve been having same issues with this man for a long time. Going by what you share you’ve been with him for two years and you tried to convince him to make commitment, now you are in the same spot where you started. You can’t make people commit to you. They either do or they don’t. He just doesn’t want to commit to you.

People don’t change, in the meanwhile time goes by while you could be already dating or marrying the right man. If you only stop pursuing this one. I’d not waste anymore time.

Good luck

It doesn't look like this is a functional relationship for either of you.

He was already married, is now divorced, and doesn't want to go through that again with you or any woman. You, however, want those things with him, and are looking for ways to convince him to give them to you: marriage and children.

He also wants to move to his small hometown, but you don't want to because that would be inconvenient for you. You aren't willing to compromise because the move would take you away from everything and everyone you are familiar and comfortable with, and it would require you to quit your job and try to find a new one.

To me this doesn't seem like a good relationship for either of you. Neither of you want the same things and aren't willing to accommodate each other's needs.

So, from an outsider's perspective, I'd say you're probably better off ending the relationship and finding a man who will give you marriage and children, won't force you to move away so that you leave your friends, family, and your job.

When my mother married my father, he swore to her he'd never force her to leave her job or friends or city; but when I turned 11 years old my father went behind her back and interviewed for another job that he was offered and bought a house without her permission near his family.

He did this all without consulting her. So, she had a choice: go with her husband and children despite knowing she'll lose everything that gives her happiness and joy, or stay behind, divorced, away from her children still employed, close to her family and friends. Well, she went with my father anyway, and has spent the next 36 years on antidepressants and being miserable and received a mental illness diagnosis and is now a widow and still antisocial and in the early stages of dementia.

As her oldest child, I vowed I would never let a man dictate my choices to me about where I live, where I work, who my friends are, etc,. so that is one of the reasons I remain single (there are other reasons but not letting a man control my life, is the main reason I'd rather be single than settle being with the wrong man b/c I am lonely).

Obviously, do what you think is best for yourself. But my perspective is that you are making a huge mistake staying with this man, esp. if you know he expects you to stay with him, unmarried without children from him, and that you will agree to move 3 hours away with him that will disrupt your life as you know it right now. If that is what you want, then stay with him. But those choices don't seem very fair to you because that's not what you want. He doesn't want to give you what you want. So, you need to decide if he's worth staying together with.

The red flag for me is that he wants to live with his parents AND you.... asking you to not only move away from everything comfortable for you, but to move in with HIS parents? Now that's attractive. The other red flag is: you don't seem happy. You made it seem like you are willing to settle for less because you don't think anyone who is healthier will want you. That's distorted thinking. I know plenty of people with mental health issues who have married healthy partners and are happy. Don't settle for less than what you truly want in life.

It sounds like it's confusing and more heartache than you deserve.

You deserve peace of mind. You deserve clarity. You deserve the commitment that you crave. You deserve to not ride a roller coaster ride. And above all else deserve to not have living with your future inlaws dangled above you. Maybe they are nice people but ....that's more stress than one truly needs in a lifetime.