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TheNightWhistle
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TheNightWhistle Nothing but love to give
 
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Default May 05, 2019 at 12:36 PM
  #1
My mother and I used to have a great relationship when I was a child, a teenager and even as an early adult. She was always showing support and love towards me, and stood up for me on certain occasions. For the last couple of years though, she's starting to care less and less about me.

When I first moved away she would reach out with "I miss you" texts but wouldn't really try to initiate conversation by calling me. When we do see each other, she doesn't really ask about what's going on in my life, like how my job or school is going. I don't even think she remembers what I'm studying. She's always preoccupied by her phone while I'm talking and doesn't listen. It's not that she's on an important call or anything, she's just scrolling through the Outlander Fan Page on Facebook. Sometimes when I'm in the middle of a sentence she'll turn on the tv and stop paying attention. Every year at Christmas she always gets me gifts that I don't like because she just doesn't get me, and that's because she doesn't want to get to know me. However, she does like to criticize my friends, my "slutty" lifestyle (I go on a lot of dates), my cooking because I use "too many spices" (just garlic), how the ceilings in my apartment are too high (It's a loft), how my dog is too hyper, how I don't "stand up for gay rights" enough by watching every movie she recommends on coming out (I came out 12 years ago), how I'm not an intellectual because I don't watch Jeopardy (I'm in university), there's always something wrong.

All she really cares about is what that orange blob in the White House has done lately, Candy Crush, and the latest episode of Game of Thrones. I listen to her rants about Trump, but when I try to reply with my own opinion she cuts me off because she just doesn't care about what I have to say. She is 59, so maybe it's just that she's getting older, I don't know.

I know that there are people with very abusive and neglectful parents on this forum, and I realize my situation is not nearly as bad as theirs. I just wish we could connect more like we used to but she doesn't seem interested at all.

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Default May 05, 2019 at 12:52 PM
  #2
I know how you feel, TheNightWhistle. My mother was very overbearing and domineering to me -- even still is now and she's 78 years old. I live with her temporarily, and I have to grab the tv remote off her coffee table and mute it, when I need to talk to her or she will leave the volume up so loud that airline jet pilots flying 35,000 feet above us could hear it.

I never share ANYTHING personal with my mother anymore about my life (last time was 26 years old) b/c she would always criticize me or make a snarky comment and not apologize when I told her my feelings were hurt. Now, when she asks me how my day was, I don't give her any details and just respond with "fine, thanks."

My advice is to shift the way that you interact with your mother now -- about what you share with her and how you respond to her texts and phone calls about everything -- which is a hard transition to make, but it will save your sanity and create boundaries that your mother won't be able to trod upon anymore. The benefit of not telling my mother anything anymore, is that she doesn't get to push my buttons or trigger me the way I used to let her when I was open with her about my life.

Now, I control the information she knows, and I feel like that gives me more control over how she is allowed to treat me. Does that make sense? Don't share any personal information about your dating life, your work life, or whatever you know will trigger your mother's criticism and judgement.

Take back control of the mother-son dynamic and show her that you don't need her approval of your choices in life anymore. Stay on a trivial, superficial level with her. Avoid politics (I always do) and talk about movies and celebrities. Or the weather. But keep all the personal stuff out of your conversation and if she pushes you, redirect her to something superficial.

Don't compare your situation to anyone else's. A toxic parent is a toxic parent. There may be varying levels of toxicity, but believe me, we can all support each other and share our stories in support of each other. That's what this forum is for.
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Default May 07, 2019 at 06:01 PM
  #3
I'm sorry you both are experiencing challenging mothers. Mine does not emotionally connect (with anyone) and is a narcissist. I have found Peg Streep's book Daughter Detox to be very helpful and I would highly recommend it to you. For a long time I did not understand there was a problem with my mom or what the problem was. When I was growing up, she seemed on the surface to have it all together. My mother seemed like a different person after we lost my dad about 15 years ago. Now she is very judgemental and negative and self-centered (everything is about her). My theory is that my dad's presence and strong personality kept some of her ways hidden, at least partially. The last hurdle for me has been accepting she is not going to change. Until recently I still had hope down deep that she would change and I would have the mom that I've always needed. But clinging to that little bit of hope, even unconsciously, kept me from fully healing and being free. Daughter Detox offers many strategies for healing from unloving mothers, whether they are like mine or yours or controlling or etc (she outlines 8 types of unloving mothers). And the book is full of scientific evidence about how babies and children are wired to tune into their mothers, which ensures survival of the species, and how it damages us when we don't get love and validation from our mothers.

My mom is not interested at all in connecting with me or my family. Everything is very surface - weather, who is related to whom in town (she lives in the town where she grew up and I grew up there, too) and who goes to church. As a narcissist, of course she thinks she is a wonderful mother and person and is very judgemental and negative about everyone else. She frequently tries to take credit for my accomplishments and how great our kids turned out. I tell her that my accomplishments don't belong to her. I've gotten to the point where I try to keep our visits as short as possible and I try not to tell her anything.


I wish you both all the best in dealing with these difficulties.
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Default May 07, 2019 at 06:08 PM
  #4
8 Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter Relationships | Psychology Today
Here's more info about the types of unloving mothers. Of course, this applies to sons as well as daughters.
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Default May 07, 2019 at 07:15 PM
  #5
Neither of my parents cared about me. If they DID, they had a very strange way of showing it. BOTH were dismissive. BOTH were controlling. My mother played mind games. She would say one thing one day and a totally different thing another day. She would diminish what I would tell her and say she "couldn't quite believe that". She did not finish college. She and my father FORCED me to go . She battled weight all her life and was constantly on me about mine. She was lazy, but she would call other people out on it if they were lying around. When I think about them, it is a wonder I am as sane as I am... I feel your pain.

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