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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#41
On this thread people keep saying that when they are done with someone they are done.
Really, you are never done. We are karmically connected to every single person in our lives. The Buddhists teach...even if we accidentally bump into a stranger in the grocery store...that brief and fleeting interaction...connects us to that stranger on some level. That is how interconnected we all are, in fact. I think...we need to look deep within ourselves...and unhook patterns of abuse. Just "cutting off" the person does nothing. I see every life situation as a learning opportunity. I am trying to understand the dynamics of this situation on a deep level. I doubt if just cutting this person off FB is going to undo 50 years of friendship. But when something ends...we want closure, when, in fact, only death ends the relationship. When someone dies then there is no more relating. I went through this recently with my only sister. She was a toxic narcissist up until the end. It was very painful because I wanted resolution and a few apologies, as well, and it never happened. I think, probably, my gradually going no contact in this situation has something to do with my sister's death. I had a lot of complicated grief...both love and anger...when my sister died. Big changes in relationships send shock waves through our system. We need to be gentle with ourselves and apply a lot of self-care while dealing with this situations. Odd that no one on this thread has advised me to be gentle with myself, take care of myself, apply self care, positivity, and happiness in my life. (My life has been kind of a mess since dealing with this...and self care has been difficult.) In the end....compassion is what heals. Lots of compassion. __________________ |
Anonymous43949, TishaBuv
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
8 1,043 hugs
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#42
Quote:
I have used all the settings to hide, block, and selectively choose who sees my stuff...for years. You see, you posted a picture of your family on FB. I don't do that. I don't post any photos of my adult child. He hates FB and deleted his account long ago and I respect his privacy and never post pictures of him. We both have other niche social media accounts on other sites. I mostly have my Facebook up as a business profile. I do freelance work...and I am presently looking for part-time work. I have heard that it is good to keep up one's FB account to have a social profile. To prove that you exist! I notice others don't post information about their work experience. I do post that stuff. If someone wants to find out information before hiring me they will find basic stuff on FB about my education, career path, and experience. They won't find pictures of me with friends and family. They will see posts I make on social and political issues. That's where I get my likes. I am creative with my posts and how I present issues - with graphics and stuff...and people like that. Gee, people must be really bored! But I do get a lot of likes on my political and social issues posts. Right now I am very involved with Plastics Pollution Prevention and policies around that. Most of my FB posts are about that. __________________ |
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#43
DechanDawa: I think we've come in full circle here and you seem to know what's best for yourself better than anyone else. So then I'd say follow your heart. Good luck.
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#44
Of course, take care of yourself. Golden Eve said that, maybe on another thread.
With my sister, I deeply want her to care for me and feel bad for having hurt me. She’s obviously not going to. I didn’t officially end anything. Just really, none of them care. You may want to look at the whole relationship with your friend. Has she been very hurtful time and again? Is this something that can be repaired? With my friend that I no longer speak to, she was very toxic for a long time and there was no repairing it. She refused to have any respect for me. I had to block her because she was harassing me with texts. Then she never called again to apologize because she also truly didn’t care. This may or may not be the case with your friend. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
DechanDawa
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DechanDawa
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#45
Quote:
Hmm. Thanks, I think? I mean...I have been following my heart all along. It's a journey...with many twists and turns. If recovery from narcissistic abuse was easy the Internet wouldn't be filled with hundreds of sites devoted to it. __________________ |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#46
Quote:
My friend is "covert" which means she is mostly very nice. Her manipulation is...in the form of interfering and giving unsolicited advice and treating me like a victim of life...which I am not. Of course, she never apologizes. I sympathize with you regarding your sister. My sister was out-of-touch with me for several years (cruelly) then she became terminally ill. Suddenly she was back in touch and insisted on a big family reunion (of adult siblings) before she died. It was horrific! I tried to get out of it but my niece called me and practically threatened me...to insist I show up. She even paid for my travel expenses which because of distance were quite expensive. This required me to interface with several other toxic members of my family. My sister did not change -- even up into the end. Gave me nothing. Nothing. It was so painful. There she was...near death and on palliative chemo...chain-smoking (My God) and drinking coffee...and spouting off her usual crap. And I thought, "My God...even on death's door they don't change." During this time I was being bullied by other toxic siblings who showed up. It sounds like I didn't love my sister. I did. But in the end...she gave nothing. Nothing. She just drifted off on the waves of her own lifelong self-absorption. Try to detach from your sister a bit. It's not worth it to be hurt by someone who simply...doesn't care. __________________ |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#47
Quote:
SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST WHICH I CANNOT SEEM TO DELETE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT OTHERS BUT I HAVE BEEN HAVING A LOT OF TECHNICAL PROBLEMS WITH THIS SITE THIS WEEK. My friend is "covert" which means she is mostly very nice. Her manipulation is...in the form of interfering and giving unsolicited advice and treating me like a victim of life...which I am not. Of course, she never apologizes. I sympathize with you regarding your sister. My sister was out-of-touch with me for several years (cruelly) then she became terminally ill. Suddenly she was back in touch and insisted on a big family reunion (of adult siblings) before she died. It was horrific! I tried to get out of it but my niece called me and practically threatened me...to insist I show up. She even paid for my travel expenses which because of distance were quite expensive. This required me to interface with several other toxic members of my family. My sister did not change -- even up into the end. Gave me nothing. Nothing. It was so painful. There she was...near death and on palliative chemo...chain-smoking (My God) and drinking coffee...and spouting off her usual crap. And I thought, "My God...even on death's door they don't change." During this time I was being bullied by other toxic siblings who showed up. It sounds like I didn't love my sister. I did. But in the end...she gave nothing. Nothing. She just drifted off on the waves of her own lifelong self-absorption. Try to detach from your sister a bit. It's not worth it to be hurt by someone who simply...doesn't care. __________________ Last edited by DechanDawa; May 16, 2019 at 04:05 PM.. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#48
Leaving this thread open as it has struck a chord.
I invite others to share their experiences. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with this kind of situation. We are all trying to heal. __________________ |
Anonymous43949
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#49
[QUOTE=DechanDawa;6532333]
Quote:
I'm a very intuitive person so I can respect that psychic connection that you have with this friend whom you've known for 50 years. I also suspect you don't want to deal with the fallout, of the hundreds of mutual friendships and acquaintances who would become aware that you and your friend disconnected. It's par for the course, however, when you disconnect from a toxic person that there will be interpersonal fallout, whether it's on a familial or workplace, or social level. You can't just end a friendship and not have the world know about it. Someone in your mutual social circles will find out. But, that is inevitable. I'm not going to let the narcissist stay friends with me on Facebook. I will never unblock him again. I blocked him from my cellphone number and email address. I don't care about his feelings. I don't care if he feels satisfaction that I blocked him. I have my power back, by blocking him. If I left him on my Facebook page, he would still have access to me and I won't let that happen. I read about the grey-rock method of not reacting to narcissists. The articles I read, suggest a combination of using the grey rock method and blocking the narcissist from all social media, email and cellphones. The fact that the narcissist tried to hook me with "What happened?" as soon as I unblocked him from my Facebook, shows me that it wasn't safe for me to keep him even hidden on my Facebook page b/c he'd still have access to my life. I don't care if he tries to trash talk me to our mutual acquaintances or tries to ruin my reputation. The people who know me, who like me, won't let him do that. And the people who don't know me, who like him, will believe him. Either way, I've cut off access to him by blocking him, so I'm feeling confident I won't have to ever deal with him again, even on a psychic level anymore. I wish you the best of luck with your friend of 50 years. I also follow Buddhism and believe every living thing is connected on a metaphysical level. But, that doesn't mean we are required to compassionately stay connected to a source of toxicity -- esp. if that source is a person who is out to harm us. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#50
[QUOTE=StreetcarBlanche;6532488]
Quote:
Wait a minute. Did you unfriend that person on FB? Is that the same as blocking? I mean if you...yeah, unfriend someone and block them then they are gone. I am not sure why you went on and on about this person here. You keep talking about him. You see, energetically you have not let go. It seems like maybe you should delete your FB account altogether as it appears to be a source of problems for you. Buddhist metaphysics teaches interconnectedness. It is simply a FACT that we are all interconnected. Truly the only way to heal...from the Buddhist perspective...is to extend compassion. Buddhists always extend compassion even to their enemies. But I was not talking about Buddhist practice but rather Buddhist metaphysics. In truth the teachings on Buddhism can be pretty unrealistic in real life. Buddhism is not a very self-protective religion and historically has not respected women's rights. I want to avoid drama while disconnecting from my friend. I don't want to stir up a big hornet's nest of vindictiveness. So in that respect I am a bit Buddhist, I guess, though mostly lapsed. I believe Grey Rock Technique can be applied energetically. I had a situation of a very abusive relationship ending and a bit of stalking. People advised me to get a restraining order, change my number, change the locks on my door, buy a gun etc. Finally...I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't change my number or do any of that other stuff. I simply applied a Grey Rock mentality. I just moved on with my life. I applied Grey Rock by detaching from all the relationship drama and went on with my life...and it worked. The person eventually just faded away. It was much more peaceful than a lot of the drama everyone else was suggesting. __________________ |
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#51
It's ok. I lived with Buddhist monks in my 20s, so I actually do "get" Buddhism.
And I don't have a problem with Facebook. How a Narcissist Uses Facebook: Red Flag, Social media as a weapon YouTube YouTube "Asmita": An Eastern Perspective on Narcissism | Psychology Today I wish you the best of luck with your friend of 50 years. This is an important discussion b/c narcissism will always exist and how we deal with it, depends on what tools we use in our lives to stay connected to other people. "Asmita": An Eastern Perspective on Narcissism Narcissism is as old as the Himalayas. Posted Feb 12, 2018 Quote:
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Anonymous43949
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#52
Quote:
You lived with monks? Sorry to hear that. It really doesn't mean you get Buddhism. I have my Master's in Buddhist Philosophy and Metaphysics and practiced for 25 years. That stuff you included reminds me of graduate school. Yuk. So many words. So wordy. That's a big problem with Buddhism. Very masculine and scholarly religion. Too wordy. __________________ Last edited by DechanDawa; May 16, 2019 at 05:48 PM.. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 3,815
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#53
Quote:
You can't talk about something relative from the absolute level. There are two realities, relative and absolute. People always get this confused when they study Buddhism. __________________ |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: United States
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#54
This thread is taking a weird turn. Requesting it be closed.
__________________ Last edited by DechanDawa; May 16, 2019 at 06:37 PM.. |
Elder...and a bit Older
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#55
Hi DechanDawa.
As we evolve in life, so do friendships and relationships...well in theory. If friendships aren't enriching our lives, and we simply hang onto people out of habit or obligation then this dynamic can become very tiring and cause resentment. My advice is that if you feel that you are the only one doing all the giving, and your 'friend' continually refuses to evolve and take strides to move forward with you...then it's time to hang up your spurs. __________________ The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am the storm." |
Anonymous43949, DechanDawa
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DechanDawa
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