How to stop being a victim of a narcissist

No contact. No contact. No contact.

I wrote on another thread about trying to break free of a narcissistic friend.

The most important comment from a member on that thread was that narcissists never change.

I know this is true.

But it is kind of hard to wrap my head around the concept.

Here on Psych Central the healing journey is a lot about changing, isn't it? We have to trade our maladaptive coping for healthy coping. We have to learn new skills. We have to grow into new responsibilities.

With this friend...it is true...she never changes. She doesn't see the need to change. I have read that is the mark of a narcissist. They never feel they are at fault.

I can see where maintaining contact with this friend hurts my recovery. I have worked so hard...so very hard...to recover and progress along the path...I can't let a narcissist keep making me a victim.

No contact is the way. It is hard. You don't have to tell the person...delete them from social media etc. Just fade them and eventually they will just go somewhere else looking for narcissistic food.

Exactly. They are never at fault so how could they possibly be introspective at all? They aren’t. They can’t. That’s the most toxic part of it all, on top of all other toxic and disgusting behaviors.

Thank you, thank you. You have obviously done the work of getting informed about this problem. I think it may also be the other way around, too. They are never introspective so how can they be at fault? They don't see it. Chilling.

You know...this friend constantly complains about her husband. Very reactive. It is always his fault. Well, I've known the guy since we were all teenagers. I started to think, "Hey, maybe it's her!" because he just doesn't seem like a monster type guy.

I mean how can he be wrong 100% of the time?


I am not intellectually confused about narcissism but on an emotional level I find being victimized by a narcissist just gut-wrenching.

Thank you for your supportive comments. It means more than I can express here. (Love your Bob Marley quote! )

My narcissist was my husband. I actually had to run away and even then - nine years later - I am not entirely free.

He keeps resurfacing in my life. Many of my friends, and family (including my children) are still wrapped up and absorbed by his charismatic game. It hurts that these people think so highly of him. The truth of the matter is everyone he has manipulated and groomed into his cult of personality are simply eager to be riding the wave on his coat-tails. It is infuriating to hear everyone speak so highly of him - even when he is doing truly awful things. I don't get it. But I remind myself he is not my problem anymore and as long as I let it get to me, he is winning. So I do my best to shut my ears to the raving about how perfect he is and ignore the circle of people he has surrounded himself with. My life is the better for it.

Ah, hugs. I've been there. Was married to a narcissist.

It certainly looks like he has "won" and I have "lost" at the game of life. But that is only if you view life as a game.

The narcissist I lived with was always successful...even when he got fired, even when he caused us to lose our home, even when co-workers said he was cold and not a team player. The point is...he never ever saw himself at fault. Maybe those kinds of people thrive in our society. At the time of our divorce I was devastated as we had been married 20 years. He said to me, "Sometimes you have to step on people to be happy."

If that's winning at the game of life...he can have his shallow victory.


One thing about the desert. It's clean...and peaceful.

Yikes, your ex-husband said that, "sometimes you have to step on people to be happy." That is scary. But our society definitely rewards people who do step on others to promote themselves. It's capitalism at its finest.

He's probably popping up in your dreams as a symbol of something you're struggling with. Whenever I dream about toxic people, I write down the details of the dream then go and look up the symbolism online. Usually, they represent an aspect of myself that needs to be addressed, or foreshadow a bad situation about to happen or something like that.

Yes, my ex actually said that at the time of the divorce. Because he never ever moderated what he said...he just thought something and it would come out of his mouth. He said I had to become thick-skinned...and then he made the comment about stomping on people in order to be happy.


He has been popping up a lot in dreams lately.


He is just such an asshole. I think he has been appearing in my dreams saying stuff like, "I am a nice guy. You just don't see it."

I really wish in my dream I would take out a dagger and stab him in the heart and watch him melt into a puddle.

Mostly in the dreams we are in the desert and I feel the need to get away and look for water. I guess I should look up that symbolism.

Good call not to borrow money from your ex-husband. You can try your county resources for emergency assistance. Usually, for single adults here in my city, emergency assistance is income-based and I've used it before to help me. Since you are a single mother, you should go to your county office and apply for 'emergency assistance' aid, for rent/mortgage and SNAP food benefits if you can. Also, look up nonprofits in your city, that also work with foundations to give people $500 grants for emergency situations. It's a one time grant, and you have to provide your tax form, proof of income, and the bill you need help paying. Then you meet with a social worker who takes the paperwork, has you fill out the grant application for emergency assistance, then you wait up to 10-14 business days for the grant to be applied to your bill.

There are ways you can train your brain to lucid dream, where you can control your dream's details but it's a meditation type thing you say before you fall asleep where you plant the message that you will handle such and such and your brain actually does it. It's pretty cool.

Definitely go research dream symbolism. It's awesome. Dreams have multiple purposes in our lives.

To be honest I am not really too interested in dreams. I know about lucid dreaming but it is actually quite difficult and best left to shamans. I have no interest in interfering in my unconscious life. I was kind of joking about dream stabbing my ex.


My ex appears in my dreams as the person I thought he was...and maybe it is just a wishful dream. I was very much in love with someone who turned out to be a myth. I think when I refuse his offer of advice in the dream and walk away to find water it means I am walking away from his deceit and faked good intentions. Water In Tibetan symbolism stands for compassion. Tears are compassionate. The ocean is all encompassing universal compassion.

So maybe in my dream I am walking away from "false love" and seeking authentic love (water) in the world, as compassion.


That's as far as I go with dream interpretation.

This thread really isn't about my ex. I don't spend energy thinking about him. It's more about my friend who was making me a victim of narcissism.

It IS chilling. And it can be traumatizing dealing with a toxic narc. I had three ex narcissist boyfriends, and the ex friend I mentioned. You were definitely victimized. It's a horrible feeling, I know. It's like, how did I not see this? And then the moment you truly piece it all together, it's pretty shell shocking. The extent of the behaviors are shell shocking by themselves. They like empathic people, if you happen to be an empathic person. I am very much so. They also pick soft targets or people they think they can pull one over on and manipulate. I am a soft target, not saying you are since I don't know you at all. But I am, so I am speaking about myself there. Ugh. It may take some time to process it and to feel better about it. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing BY YOU. It will feel good to be rid of all that toxic waste!

And thanks about my quote.

Thanks for this. I don't think I am as soft-hearted as I used to be and maybe also not as easily manipulated. Which is good news. Yeah, and I love Bob Marley!

That’s good! It’s great you know this about yourself.. . Im envious! I really only brought it up since that’s how I am and narcs and softer, empathic people tend to be drawn to one another. I have been easily manipulated and have had the wool pulled over my eyes. Another story for another day. I love Bob Marley too! I am in the Caribbean right now in fact!!!

You are in the Caribbean???!!!! I am so jealous. I can almost smell the lushness! I was in Jamaica and the smells were so great there.


Well, this is an older narcissistic relationship. From childhood.


I think I have changed because no new narcissist have entered my life recently.


This is going to sound terrible but I am now more selectively compassionate. I don't go around with my heart on my sleeve. I am not as "nice" and you know, it is a big change. But there you are in the Caribbean where everyone is nice!

It's our western culture, I think, that breeds narcissism. In this culture we can't afford to go around wearing our hearts on our sleeve.


I am too jealous now that you are in the Caribbean. Have a wonderful time, sweetie! I am going to go listen to some Bob Marley and the Wailers now in your honor!

I wear my heart on my sleeve! And am too compassionate and caring towards everyone, even strangers. And guess what? I get abused. Where is the place for pure of heart and soul in this world? Because I am pure of heart and soul. And then I get trampled on because I am. You have to protect yourself in this world. And that I think is unfortunate. But yes, I am in the Caribbean on my honeymoon!

Oh My God! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I remember you from Psych Central a long time ago when you were suffering through relationship issues, and housing issues, and career issues. It seems you have turned a corner. Congratulations and blessings!

In fact, I went to Jamaica on my honeymoon. It was amazing!!!!!! I have the best memories...and the best photos!


There is always a place for the "pure of heart and soul" in this world. In fact, the world needs this more than ever. We just have to be protective, yes, and that's okay.


As I said I am now more selectively compassionate. Like I don't talk to every homeless person who approaches me on the street. Some homeless guy approached me a few weeks ago to buy a smoke. (I don't even smoke.) I told him, "Look, I don't talk to strangers on the street, and I especially don't talk to men on the street I don't know. It is just my personal policy." He looked at me with frustration and threw up his hands then walked away. I smiled as it was kind of amusing. In the old days I might have ended up handing over $20. Once I literally gave the shirt off my back to a homeless kid! A very nice red flannel shirt! I had another shirt on. ---- But now I give to charities and I don't give hand-outs or the clothes off my back to strangers!


However, in the Caribbean I hope you are tipping everyone and tipping generously.

Girl, why are you on Psych Central while on your honeymoon? That's hilarious! You should be running around in a bikini, drinking rum, snorkling...and of course the rest of it.

THANK YOU!!!!

Yes, that's me indeed!

LOL, I supposed it does seem odd that I am even on PC during my vacation! We cannot do a lot of physical activity due to my fiance/soon to be husband's current injuries, so we're laying low. And that gives me oodles of time! And I have this crazy compulsion to help people! lol.

I don't want to hijack your thread though!!

You seem most wise! That's smart not to give $$ to strangers and through charities instead.

And yes, we must be protective of ourselves. I've learned that the hard way.

I hope you are feeling a little better about your friend? I give you a lot of credit for seeing the truth and for putting your foot down about what you will and will not accept! Kudos!!!!

[QUOTE=golden_eve;6524788]THANK YOU!!!!

Yes, that's me indeed!

LOL, I supposed it does seem odd that I am even on PC during my vacation! We cannot do a lot of physical activity due to my fiance/soon to be husband's current injuries, so we're laying low. And that gives me oodles of time! And I have this crazy compulsion to help people! lol.

I don't want to hijack your thread though!!

You seem most wise! That's smart not to give $$ to strangers and through charities instead.

And yes, we must be protective of ourselves. I've learned that the hard way.

I hope you are feeling a little better about your friend? I give you a lot of credit for seeing the truth and for putting your foot down about what you will and will not accept! Kudos!!!! [/QUOT





Wait, I thought you said you were on your honeymoon. Did you do as I did and take your honeymoon before the wedding???

Sorry to hear your guy's not mobile. I am curious about what's up but can understand why you want your privacy around that.

Every time I get in my truck and drive somewhere I am talking to and cursing out my so-called friend. I feel so hurt. I know she does, too, even if it is what I call narcissistic injury. But there's no way to resolve it because she NEVER meets me halfway and I am standing my ground. No more walking all the way across the whole field to meet her while she stands on the other side like a queen. I am so pissed and hurt but standing my ground.

I don't care that you are hijacking this thread. I would much rather talk about weddings and honeymoons and rasta earrings (I am wearing mine right now in your honor) and the Met Gala (Gaga was outrageous) then narcissists. One thing about narcissists is that they keep you in a tight little dark box. That's not my style. I am much more feral and wild! I like freedom of thought, freedom of expression, freedom of humor. Narcs hate all that. Not enough control.

So yes I am confused as to whether or not your wedding comes after the honeymoon. That's how we did it. My now-ex also got angry because I wanted to smoke ganja on the beach. (He was a narcissist control freak.) and I am like, "Every other person we pass is offering it. I mean here it's like praying together. It's offensive turning it down."

As for this thread, hijack away. Why should we let the narcissist dominate and spoil the fun. That's what they always do. In fact, my so-called friend got angry because she knows I go on Psych Central and talk about her. Well, this is my community! She's not a joiner and wouldn't join an online community.

Is the food good where you are? I remember the coffee...with brown cane sugar. I loved it. We had toast and papaya every morning with that amazing coffee. We loved the tropics so much we joined Peace Corps and went to the South Pacific. So we extended the honeymoon for over a year. Such a blast. Such fantastic memories.

[QUOTE=DechanDawa;6524802]
I like you!!! You're so cool. My type of gal!!!! I am very similar to what you describe. I love freedom in every which way!!! And I did wear a hippie-ish dress to my wedding! Which was TODAY!!!!!!

So, we were here for 3 days before the ceremony, we had the ceremony today and now we have four days of honeymoon ahead!!!! WOOOHOOO!

We both like to partake in ganja too and bought some on the beach off a Rasta.

The ceremony was absolutely beautiful. I don't want to leave!!!

As for your friend, or ex friend, I gotta say, you sound very strong and very resolute. Good for you!!! I know you're pissed, as you have every right to be.... after a while that anger will fade, as you probably are aware, and then you may even pity her. She lives in a prison. A prison of her own making out of which she will never escape. She will never have solid and long-term friendships. She will turn away every good friend..... she will enrage every person she comes across. It IS pitiful. I feel bad for people like that. They can never truly be happy inside and they can never make another person truly happy OR have a healthy relationship. It's sad, really.

Ok, I am off to celebrate with a candle lit dinner on the beach to kick off our honeymoon!!!!

HUGS to you!!!!!

[QUOTE=golden_eve;6525256]





Ahhhh. Congrats, married lady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for sharing this special journey online. It's truly wild of you to do this! But really beautiful. Like you are sending out little postcards from a dream.


I hope at some point you will describe your dress, the ceremony, the food, whatever.

Talking with you has brought back some very fond memories. It is like medicine for the soul.

This morning I noticed my so-called now ex-friend posted "likes" on my Facebook! What the heck??? I didn't unfriend or block her because I don't want to create more drama. I never thought she would have the nerve to just act like nothing happened. She is indeed a confused individual.

But back to us......congratulations, again. I am happy everything went well for you. It sounds like you picked the perfect venue and geographic place. And I am happy about the ganja, too! When we were there (long ago) in Jamaica they weren't selling it. It was more like trading. I think I traded a few tee shirts. We also traded our binoculars for beautiful shells I still have.

Thanks for saying I am cool. Haha. I am eccentric and my own person. I have always been like this...when young and now older haven't changed one iota. I went to school for fine arts so that's my excuse. I actually thought I lost all my creativity in my depressive state...so thank you for reminding me it's still there. I was like Alice in Wonderland falling down the dark rabbit hole of depression. Maybe I have made the journey halfway and am now looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel. That would be very nice. You give me hope, darling girl!

I think "creatives" and "wild ones" have a better chance of recovery from depression, anxiety, and co-dependency. Now that you are married you have a built-in best friend and that's kind of really wonderful. I was married for 20 years. The first ten years were glorious. Truly a blast! So much fun. We had this adorable child born to us and we lived in California and bought a lovely little vintage house with many windows and a big garden and it was like a fairy tale. The next five years were so-so and the last five years were pretty hellish. I wouldn't have traded any of it. It was a wild and lovely journey. I appreciated my ex and didn't want a divorce. But when you truly love someone...if they want to be free...you open your hands and let the butterfly flutter away. Let go in love. Oh, I really didn't do that. I really wanted to kill him but I loved him too much to have bad thoughts. Besides..he gave me a most extraordinary child. So maybe to create this marvelous human being was the purpose of our union. Go into marriage wide-eyed with wonder and without expectations. That way every day is a universal lesson! Every moment is weaving the divine with the ordinary.

You have made me feel brave which I was not feeling so thank you. Thank you for stepping in and sharing all the wonderful-ness around your vacation/wedding/honeymoon! It has been extraordinary.

You are cool, too! I think we are kindred souls.

Keep sharing. Keep caring.

I am still so pissed at my ex-friend. I can feel she is going to want to wheedle her way back into my life since I am a good source of supply for her. Also, I am unpredictable and live an unpredictable life and she gets a rush from that vicariously.


But my happiness matters. You have made me see that. I think it is so wild and crazy you are doing your wedding and honeymoon and at the same time texting away on Psych Central. This has been the best time, sweetie!

Thank you and blessings on your marriage. Make memories. Believe me...they will sustain you in harder times. So make many of them. Go dance barefoot on the beach!

narcissistic behaviors and narcissistic personality disorder plague majority of my support system. not only do they see no other way but their own, they are unwilling to see different ways of achieving what they want. I'm not a complete narc, (although I do see the need to maintain a healthy level of narcissistic qualities), but my need to have control over myself reaches far beyond my need to control others. and, my most fear breaking truth is, if it is meant to be, it will be. there are some fates that can not be altered or achieved despite what is thrown to wolves. one of my least favorite personality traits is a manipulator; someone who needs to control to feel in control is such a waste of positive leadership. and, at times, this kind of behavior is too trying for me to feel like myself, and so now I have learned that removing yourself from the narcissistic hold is the only way deal with narcissism.