Leaning on my husband more...

Paranoia of him has been one of the symptoms of my mental illness. My life was not on the right track compared to my peers and I blamed it on my husband. This was one of the biggest symptoms of my illness. That he stayed with me after everything I put him through proves I picked the right person. When I need his strength and trust him he always responds.

I have finally gotten serious about taking my medications. My mental illness prevented me from seeing what I needed to do. I am not perfectly stable but I am stable enough to have better insight into what went wrong and what I still need to do. There is still so much to do. I spend less time reading posts and responding because of this but still check in periodically. When you have been unrealistic about life for years and years, it does not magically happen overnight. I hope I can continue to get better and be a better wife and mother than I have been. I think I have gone from baby steps to regular steps.

Taking steps to grow and move forward makes your post sound hopeful and optimistic. Is your husband on board with the growth and change and focus?

Stepping back and looking at yourself honestly is a really hard thing to do. It brings about quite a powerful change but for me it has also brought some grief too. I’m glad your husband has stayed with you and it sounds like you appreciate him very much.

Healing and Sisabel--thanks for all of your kind support. My husband and I are talking more frankly. I am more aware of the ways my husband/son violated my boundaries in the past and how much it hurt. I hope I will be better at speaking up when they do that in the future but still love them very much. I do think that because of the work I have done on PC and in therapy, I am more aware of what is going on inside of me and not as reactive. My husband has always loved me but also gets hurt easily despite how strong he is about so many things.

Hopefully, this awareness will help my family but I also realize I cannot do it all alone. My son feels like the only way he can heal is to be able to come home. I now view this as a family decision that I cannot make happen on my own nor am I sure if it would be a good thing. I will be patiently observing my husband's and son's behaviors on this and will see how it evolves.

Yes, my husband is on board--we are dreaming about when he retires (we would like to RV part of the year) though we still have a lot of work to do to get there. I am focussing more on working (remote jobs) in order to have funds for that and for trips to see my family this year. He is on board with my work goals and I am really enjoying my work lately. The work is helping me not focus on the negative things in my life as much. I have been giving up bad habits in order to improve my concentration. I have always enjoyed the challenge of work so long as I do not let myself become too consumed. Given my age and mental issues, do not ever plan to work a full 40 hour week anymore. Twenty-five to thirty hours is what I am shooting for even though I will never be rich. Poor and stable is better. Thank goodness my husband is managing to work 40 hours a week but retirement is around the corner for him.

It sounds like you have a good plan. I like your plan because it sounds like a relaxing and happy way of life in my opinion. You’ve gained so much insight and you know what will make you happy. That’s wonderful. Best of luck with your son as I know that’s been a long journey for you.