Deadbeat brother in law

Many of you probably remember my recent post about my mean, nasty SIL. Well, this post is about her husband. His mother, my MIL, has been in the hospital and is now in a facility for PT. She fell and broke 2 areas of her lumbar spine. She's 75. Well, my BIL has only been to see her 1 time. My husband has had to go 3 times in the last 4 weeks and we live 5 hours away. the 1 time my BIL went was because he was in town already to take care of some business for his fake vow renewal ceremony coming up in 2 weeks. On top of this, he's only paid his share towards my MIL's home expenses 1/2 the time. My husband pays the bulk of her expenses. And this is the same BIL that is expecting gifts and money at his vow renewal ceremony in 2 weeks. Married 30 years and expects gifts. There really are not enough words in the english language to describe just how much I despise this deadbeat, user, fake christian, cheapskate!! He honestly thinks of himself as a "man of God" too. Sorry for the rant but I am so disgusted by him. I keep it all inside since he's my husband's brother, but if I could pull a string and have a lightening bolt strike him, I would in a second!......And if my MIL is deemed unfit to live on her own, guess what?! That's right....my BIL says she should come live with us.

I went through that with an ex. His mom found out a horrible secret about his dad, kicked him out and promptly had a nervous breakdown. She went to live with his sister and he and his brother were supposed to take care of his mom’s house since break-ins at vacant properties are a common problem. His brother lived quite close, while we lived across the city, but my ex ended up shouldering the bulk of the responsibility.

I talked to my ex and he discussed it with his brother. His brother would promise to help, but then nearly always had an excuse to get out of it - meeting at his son’s school, working late, you name it. In the end, I think he maybe went there two times over the course of six months. He was earning more than my ex, but gave less money to help out his sister with their mom’s care using his kid as an excuse as well.

I completely understand how frustrating it can be. Sadly, there wasn’t much else I could do but try to discuss it with my ex. We couldn’t physically force him to do anything, much like with your BIL. His brother is the youngest and was always babied growing up. Unfortunately, people like that often never seem to grow up and don't change unless they want to. So sorry you are dealing with this.

I understand and have a great deal of sympathy.

My father (80) is going through a health crisis. It is I who am bearing the brunt of the responsibilities. Well not quite, my adult son drops in to see his grandfather and tries to bring food by. So good of him. He grew up right. But my brother apparently didn't. He lives mere blocks away and has seen by dad but once for coffee since Dad fell ill months ago. He has made no effort to help, financially or otherwise.

Meanwhile, I live a 3hr drive away and try to get up there at least once a week. I prepare food dad can heat up beforehand to leave with him and drop off groceries while there. My boyfriend and I have discussed us footing the bill for a subscription food box program. Actually, it is my boyfriend footing the bill as I have no income. It is costing a lot in fuel and the extra groceries I am buying my father.

My brother has done nothing to lend a hand. Financially he is doing very well for himself earning well into the six figures yet he has made no offer to help with the financial commitment involved in Dad's care. Yeah, a coffee... that has been the extent of it. I have spoken to my brother about our father's illness and the repercussions it is causing. He is oblivious to it. When I tell him he is all surprised but makes no offer to help do anything about it. He is blocks away and works from home - surely he can drop by now and then. He is comfortably well off - surely he can help me out.

This happened with our mother too during the last year of her terminal illness. I lived 6 1/2 hrs away and managed to see her every month while he lived 15min away and made no effort.

He is stingy with his time and money.

Incidentally, I already have a great deal of resentment for the man. I left home at 17, put myself through university, faced numerous crises, and faced a great deal of hardship. Never did I see a dime from my parents. Meanwhile, my brother had his education paid for, didn't move out until age 27, paid no room and board, and when he finally did move out his cost of living was subsidised. I know when he got married my mother was constantly giving him money. He bloody well can afford to give back.

Hello lovethesun. Sorry you are struggling with this situation. It sounds stressful and frustrating. Your BIL cannot make you take in your MIL if you and your husband don't want to do that. That decision is between the two of you. You can simply disregard your BIL's comment without getting into it with him. Similarly, if you do not feel comfortable buying him a gift for his vow renewal, you don't have to. You don't even have to go if you'd rather not. That said, do you really want to be despising someone and wishing death on them? That sounds very unhealthy for you and not the path the peace. Someone said that carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Some of the issues coming up, though very frustrating for you, are between your hub, his brother, and mother. For example, how often someone else visits her is not for you to determine...just as it's not up to your BIL to determine that she will live with you. The main issue here seems to be boundaries....both setting them for yourself and respecting others' boundaries. If that sounds like something you'd appreciate help with, I think consulting with an experienced family and marriage therapist could be really valuable.

I wish you and your hub peace, hope, and a bright future.

Thank you SilverTrees! You're right. A grudge is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to get sick. Do you think the next time I see my BIL or SIL that I have to be nice? Oh, and I'm not going to the vow renewal. I said no and my husband accepted that.

Sounds like a wise choice not to go to the renewal. And that is wonderful that you and hub are able to work those things out with each other!

Regarding your question, if there are times when you have to see your BIL or SIL, I recommend being pleasant. Pleasant doesn't have to equal "buddy buddy" but just a simple smile and hello....so glad the sun came out today etc. If you don't feel that you can be pleasant, aim for basic civility. A civil tone, formal remarks etc. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by resentment or frustration in a given situation, take a break....go to the bathroom....breathe...gather yourself. I have done that myself in uncomfortable situations. If that doesn't help, and you feel that your anger may spill out, just leave politely. It takes so much more energy to be angry and unkind to others than to simply be pleasant or civil. In the long-term, I think you'll feel better by choosing the peaceful path. Best wishes!

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, lovethesun! Unfortunately sometimes we have to put up with such people! I'm so sorry! I agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given PLENTY of great, kind, wise and wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly CAN if you want to! I'd suggest to talk to your husband about ALL OF THIS if you haven't already and seeing how it goes from there! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand you and what you mean! I understand your anger and frustration! Just try to avoid him as much as you can although I understand it's not easy AT ALL! Still, just avoid him when you can and take GREAT care of yourself, ok? We'll ALWAYS be here for you if you need to vent! Sending many hugs to you, lovethesun!

My brother is the same as your BIL. My sister and I are the only ones who are doing all the footwork and caregiving to get our mom into an assisted living facility. The only thing my brother has contributed was to giver her a giant LCD tv for her apt which won't fit in her assisted living room once she moves in there. She's on the waiting list there, but the exec. dir. told my sister and I that our mom is on his short waiting list. My brother wouldn't even come with my sister and I to tour the assisted living facility.

He is a hypocrite too b/c he touts himself as this born again Christian yet he thinks gays and anyone who is a minority race are all going to hell b/c they are not (in his warped religious mind) "God's true chosen." He has money but won't help my sister and I with our mother's caregiving expenses either.

So, basically, I empathize with you. See if you can call assisted living places around your town and get her name on the waiting list. You DO NOT want her living with you. It will ruin your marriage b/c you'll be caregiving 24/7. I live with my mother now, and it's going to kill me if I don't find a way to get support for myself. I found alzheimers support groups I can attend here on a weekly basis that is for caregivers like myself.

Tell your husband that he has to draw the line with his deadbeat brother.