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Default May 11, 2019 at 01:25 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
I just honestly think you need to find someone that is asexual as you are that will not place any priority on attraction either.
I always expected to date someone who identifies as asexual. I thought it'd be easier that way. But at the same time, it's difficult to actually find people who are openly asexual (and who are compatible with me). My S/O was aware that I considered myself asexual two years prior to asking me out, and I reminded them after we started dating. It currently causes no issues for us, but I'm aware it could cause some in the future. I don't feel like a possible issue is good enough reason to break it off with my S/O though, so I'm going to take this relationship one day at a time.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 01:34 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
You've got to be wary of encouraging this other person to have feelings for you that will not be reciprocated. Eventually, your S.O. will want sex, don't you think? It's hard to have sexual intimacy with someone you feel unattracted to.

But it sounds like you've tried to be fairly honest with this other person. Still, I'll bet the two of you have different long-term expectations. That's apt to lead to somebody getting hurt.
When we discuss the future, we seem to have the same plan. We want the same things (sex being the outlier). But I am attracted to my S/O. I'm attracted to them emotionally, romantically, and intimately; however I don't find their appearance attractive (I don't think they're unattractive, but physically, they aren't my type) and I don't experience sexual attraction.

Currently, my S/O says they're fine if we don't have sex, but I'm aware that can change. For now, I'll just discuss things with them further.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 01:45 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
Would be best to ask yourself @OP, why are you questioning it if she's fine with it? Did something happen to make you question whether you're doing the right thing or not? Did she bring it up? Seems like something is unanswered here about the reason you're wondering and that may or may not be known to you but I think it's worth asking yourself.
My S/O has explicitly told me they understand our situation and that they are fine with it. They even told me not to worry. But I'm a natural worrier. And since this is my first relationship, I felt the need to ask for advice. There are currently no issues with us, but since my understanding of sexual attraction is limited, I wanted to get an outside opinion on how this could impact the future. Rest assured, nothing happened to make me ask this. I was just laying in bed one night before deciding to type out my question.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 01:58 PM
  #24
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I also wonder what’s different in your interactions now when you aren’t just friends and are dating? Going by you saying that you don’t really care about relationships and it sounds like there is no chemistry between you two, what prompted you to date versus remain friends?

And what do you two doing now that you think makes it dating in comparison to those years when you were friends?

Not saying you must answer these questions here but just a food for thought for you and for us some more understanding of dynamics between you two (if you do answer)
We have a lot of chemistry. When I said I don't really care about relationships, I was trying to say that being in one wasn't such a priority in my life that I simply rushed into the first one that presented itself to me. Sorry if my wording was confusing.

Anyway, to answer your question about what changed between us... Well, for starters, we are much more intimate. Obviously, it's nothing sexual; however we do kiss/cuddle/hug/hold hands/etc. We go on dates instead of group outings. And our conversations have become much more flirty (but also deep and meaningful at times). Prior to dating, our relationship basically just consisted of us playing video games together.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 02:09 PM
  #25
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I always expected to date someone who identifies as asexual. I thought it'd be easier that way. But at the same time, it's difficult to actually find people who are openly asexual (and who are compatible with me). My S/O was aware that I considered myself asexual two years prior to asking me out, and I reminded them after we started dating. It currently causes no issues for us, but I'm aware it could cause some in the future. I don't feel like a possible issue is good enough reason to break it off with my S/O though, so I'm going to take this relationship one day at a time.
That sounds both reasonable and wise Mattdadd. Best wishes to you and your SO.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 02:42 PM
  #26
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We have a lot of chemistry. When I said I don't really care about relationships, I was trying to say that being in one wasn't such a priority in my life that I simply rushed into the first one that presented itself to me. Sorry if my wording was confusing.

Anyway, to answer your question about what changed between us... Well, for starters, we are much more intimate. Obviously, it's nothing sexual; however we do kiss/cuddle/hug/hold hands/etc. We go on dates instead of group outings. And our conversations have become much more flirty (but also deep and meaningful at times). Prior to dating, our relationship basically just consisted of us playing video games together.
I’d say that if you hold each other and hug and kiss and cuddle, you are attracted to her. You just don’t want sex. You don’t need to think that your partner is attractive in order to feel attraction. Not wanting sex is fine as long as she doesn’t want it either.
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Default May 12, 2019 at 10:34 PM
  #27
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When we discuss the future, we seem to have the same plan. We want the same things (sex being the outlier). But I am attracted to my S/O. I'm attracted to them emotionally, romantically, and intimately; however I don't find their appearance attractive (I don't think they're unattractive, but physically, they aren't my type) and I don't experience sexual attraction.

Currently, my S/O says they're fine if we don't have sex, but I'm aware that can change. For now, I'll just discuss things with them further.
I would encourage you to not give up on seeking out someone who is "your type."

Are you sure this person is the gender that you really want?
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Default May 13, 2019 at 08:53 AM
  #28
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I would encourage you to not give up on seeking out someone who is "your type."

Are you sure this person is the gender that you really want?
I'm attracted to people regardless of gender but I lean towards males. And the person I'm dating is male. I only used gender-neutral pronouns so there wouldn't be any gender bias in people's responses. I guess that was kind of pointless though since people just assumed a gender on their own.

Also, I'm very picky about what my type is, so it's probably unrealistic to look for someone who fits it. My standards for aesthetics are (too) high, but I'm trying not to be hyperaware of appearances as it makes me feel judgy. It's something I'm working on, but as I said, I don't find my S/O ugly or unattractive at all. He's objectively decent looking (and above average in my opinion). I'm just not attracted by his looks. I like him for everything else.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 02:22 AM
  #29
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Originally Posted by mattdadd View Post
My S/O was aware that I considered myself asexual two years prior to asking me out, and I reminded them after we started dating.
This would have been a very important tidbit to note right off the bat, heh. I almost wanted to ask if that was the case, but didn't want to offend if it wasn't. Since that is the case, you may gain some comfort from talking to those who are asexual as well: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org
They have forums you can post on.

I'm on the spectrum of asexuality myself, being what is called demisexual (means the closer I am emotionally to someone the more I'm into them in a sexual way). I also have a friend who is struggling with his asexuality and has gone through hell because people can't accept it, so I know how frustrating and difficult it can be not wanting what everyone else seems obsessed with. If your partner is truly ok with this part of you like he claims, then you've got yourself a winner. From what I read in your latest posts here it sounds like a perfectly fine relationship for an asexual couple.

(Also I'm sorry for assuming your partner was female when I first replied to you, it's just the default so I didn't even think twice about it since it wasn't specified.)

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Default May 14, 2019 at 03:32 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by ShadowGX View Post
This would have been a very important tidbit to note right off the bat, heh. I almost wanted to ask if that was the case, but didn't want to offend if it wasn't. Since that is the case, you may gain some comfort from talking to those who are asexual as well: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org
They have forums you can post on.

I'm on the spectrum of asexuality myself, being what is called demisexual (means the closer I am emotionally to someone the more I'm into them in a sexual way). I also have a friend who is struggling with his asexuality and has gone through hell because people can't accept it, so I know how frustrating and difficult it can be not wanting what everyone else seems obsessed with. If your partner is truly ok with this part of you like he claims, then you've got yourself a winner. From what I read in your latest posts here it sounds like a perfectly fine relationship for an asexual couple.

(Also I'm sorry for assuming your partner was female when I first replied to you, it's just the default so I didn't even think twice about it since it wasn't specified.)
Sorry, I didn't mention being asexual because I know a lot of people don't see it as a valid sexuality. And it's fine that you made that assumption. I understand why.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 04:04 PM
  #31
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I'm attracted to people regardless of gender but I lean towards males. And the person I'm dating is male. I only used gender-neutral pronouns so there wouldn't be any gender bias in people's responses. I guess that was kind of pointless though since people just assumed a gender on their own.

Also, I'm very picky about what my type is, so it's probably unrealistic to look for someone who fits it. My standards for aesthetics are (too) high, but I'm trying not to be hyperaware of appearances as it makes me feel judgy. It's something I'm working on, but as I said, I don't find my S/O ugly or unattractive at all. He's objectively decent looking (and above average in my opinion). I'm just not attracted by his looks. I like him for everything else.
I think that's an interesting approach to getting feedback - your not specifying genders of either yourself or your S/O. I suppose that does force responders to think differently than if they had that info. It probably does screen out some unhelpful assumptions that people are inclined to make. I take it that was your purpose.

On the other hand, we can sometimes be poor judges of what our issues really are. I have a sense, following your thread, that what you are specifically asking about may be somewhat beside the point in regards to what is actually gnawing away at you. It's up to you to decide how much you care to reveal and what degree of trust you feel in this social media venue. (People sometimes get their trust betrayed in any venue.) But, at some time in the future, you might want to experiment with a different approach - where you peel back some of that shroud of mystery and kind of "put your cards on the table." It's a risk, and you might regret it. But you might get some unexpected insights that haven't occurred to you. Something's bugging you, and I don't think this thread is doing much other than dancing around whatever that may be.

Let me emphasize that I fully support you being the judge of what you're comfortable with and what you wish to share. But are you really finding out anything here that you don't already know?

You sound and write like a person who is intelligent and capable of reflection. If someone asked you the question you put at the top of this thread, what would you say? Wouldn't you say, "Well, it depends on a number of things." You sound young, but mature enough to have developed your basic moral compass. I don't think you need anyone to explain to you that it is wrong to emotionally mislead another person, or to exploit another person by accepting more affection from that person than you have any ability to give back. So I am left wondering what it is that really perplexes you?

The short answer to the question at the top of the thread is: "No. It's not automatically wrong." But I think you know that. What would be wrong is to exploit someone's trust. It is wrong to use people for one's own emotional satisfaction, or for temporary security against being alone. I think you probably know that too. I'm inviting you to clarify the issue - if not to us, then at least to yourself.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 06:41 PM
  #32
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I think that's an interesting approach to getting feedback - your not specifying genders of either yourself or your S/O. I suppose that does force responders to think differently than if they had that info. It probably does screen out some unhelpful assumptions that people are inclined to make. I take it that was your purpose.

On the other hand, we can sometimes be poor judges of what our issues really are. I have a sense, following your thread, that what you are specifically asking about may be somewhat beside the point in regards to what is actually gnawing away at you. It's up to you to decide how much you care to reveal and what degree of trust you feel in this social media venue. (People sometimes get their trust betrayed in any venue.) But, at some time in the future, you might want to experiment with a different approach - where you peel back some of that shroud of mystery and kind of "put your cards on the table." It's a risk, and you might regret it. But you might get some unexpected insights that haven't occurred to you. Something's bugging you, and I don't think this thread is doing much other than dancing around whatever that may be.

Let me emphasize that I fully support you being the judge of what you're comfortable with and what you wish to share. But are you really finding out anything here that you don't already know?

You sound and write like a person who is intelligent and capable of reflection. If someone asked you the question you put at the top of this thread, what would you say? Wouldn't you say, "Well, it depends on a number of things." You sound young, but mature enough to have developed your basic moral compass. I don't think you need anyone to explain to you that it is wrong to emotionally mislead another person, or to exploit another person by accepting more affection from that person than you have any ability to give back. So I am left wondering what it is that really perplexes you?

The short answer to the question at the top of the thread is: "No. It's not automatically wrong." But I think you know that. What would be wrong is to exploit someone's trust. It is wrong to use people for one's own emotional satisfaction, or for temporary security against being alone. I think you probably know that too. I'm inviting you to clarify the issue - if not to us, then at least to yourself.
Yeah, I didn't mention gender because I'm aware that there are stereotypes which could sway people's answers. I just wanted a general answer that could apply to anyone.

Everything I've left out was deemed unimportant by me (eg. gender, age, sexuality), but I haven't left anything out due to a lack of trust. I mostly started this thread out of curiosity and caution. Since this is my first time dating, I'm unaware of the standards for what makes a good relationship. I had no idea if you needed to really like someone's appearance in order to date them. And in regards to sex (and my sexuality)... that wasn't really what I was inquiring about here. People just began asking questions and it came up; however, my original question was always referring to my S/O's appearance. I definitely could've worded things better.

I have only grown up seeing unhealthy relationships, so I have nothing in my life to go off of when it comes to this stuff. Reading the advice I received was very useful for me.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 09:25 PM
  #33
I'm glad you've found useful feedback here.

Sometimes growing up surrounded by unhealthy relationships can give a person a clear idea of what they really don't want. That's a start.

It's not impossible for a person to fall in love with someone else whose appearance didn't initially create any attraction. It's been known to happen.

Here's where I sense some confusion in what you say: you say you don't find your S/O physically attractive. You also say you don't think you would want sex with anyone because you are "asexual." Or that's how I took it. (Maybe I'm mixed up.) So, if you met someone you found really physically attractive, you still would have no interest in sex with that person?

By the way, wanting to have sex with a person is not totally dependent on physical beauty. Being in love with someone is not totally dependent on finding a person physically beautiful.

I suppose anyone can conjure up an image of a fantasy person who would have every beautiful feature that might appeal to this person. People differ in how important that all is. You may have to go through a few transient relationships before you work out what you most need in a significant other. That's okay also, IMHO.

Sooner or later, the aging process tends to rob everyone of physical beauty. Lots of people stay very much in love, despite that. That may be something you've never witnessed. That may dim your appreciation of what is possible between people.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 10:14 PM
  #34
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Yeah, I didn't mention gender because I'm aware that there are stereotypes which could sway people's answers. I just wanted a general answer that could apply to anyone.

Everything I've left out was deemed unimportant by me (eg. gender, age, sexuality), but I haven't left anything out due to a lack of trust. I mostly started this thread out of curiosity and caution. Since this is my first time dating, I'm unaware of the standards for what makes a good relationship. I had no idea if you needed to really like someone's appearance in order to date them. And in regards to sex (and my sexuality)... that wasn't really what I was inquiring about here. People just began asking questions and it came up; however, my original question was always referring to my S/O's appearance. I definitely could've worded things better.

I have only grown up seeing unhealthy relationships, so I have nothing in my life to go off of when it comes to this stuff. Reading the advice I received was very useful for me.
Interesting post Mattdadd. As I said before, I have dated more than one person that I didn't find particularly handsome or physically attractive. But I did find their humor and personality very appealing and that led to sexual attraction over time. And I'm fairly sure that at least one person (if not more?) dated me while not physically attracted to me but we had a connection. I would not offer up a piece of info like that; nor would I ask. Telling them just sounds like it would cause unnecessary hurt. I don't see the value in telling someone that you don't find him handsome if in fact you are attracted to him in other ways. If there's zero attraction at all in any way, then I've said something like: "I had a wonderful time meeting you. I don't see this developing and I wish you all the best!" I don't comment on their looks.

I don't know if I'm explaining clearly but that's some of my experience. Also, I will admit my own personal bias that I am slightly suspicious of terribly handsome men and have no desire to date one. Sometimes they appear all too aware of their great looks and think a bit too highly of themselves. Though I admit my bias there....by sheer probability there have got to be some devilishly handsome men out there with good down-to-earth character. Hugh Jackman perhaps? He is happily married to a woman significantly older than him who does not meet the Hollywood standards of "gorgeous." Jimmy Fallon would be another example. There! Just proved myself wrong! Haha.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 10:28 PM
  #35
Just remembered a study that you folks may find interesting. I did not read this one myself...a friend told me about it. The researchers found a significant number of men who were deemed 10s in the looks department who had dated women who were 6s. Did the relationships last? No. But not for the reason we might suppose. The men said they had no problem dating an interesting and fun 6 but apparently the 6s felt very uncomfortable....with situations like people meeting the men and assuming the woman was a relative or colleague rather than a significant other because most people assume a 10 will never date a 6. The women grew increasingly embarrassed by this and ended the relationships with the 10s.

I should say I don't number people like that but you get the point....was a way for researchers to quantify and compare levels of physical attractiveness.

Interesting, right? Overall, I think people do tend to partner with someone similar to them...looks, intelligence, beliefs etc. But of course there are always exceptions....I have dated people who were very different from me. And I know others who have too.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 02:30 AM
  #36
Is she physically attracted to you? If she is then it may be unfair to still date her because she will have expectations that you can not meet.

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Default May 15, 2019 at 05:18 AM
  #37
Does he find you attractive?

Also I am quite confused on importance of liking someone’s appearance or someone being good looking is being of importance. I’ve been with men whom I was in love with and were attracted to but they weren’t particularly attractive and I didn’t give it two thoughts.

Do people really equate attraction to “liking how one looks”? I’ve been on this Earth over 50 years and I never thought that liking someone’s appearance and being attracted to them/in love is the same thing! Such emphasis on looks sounds very foreign to me.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 04:43 PM
  #38
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Here's where I sense some confusion in what you say: you say you don't find your S/O physically attractive. You also say you don't think you would want sex with anyone because you are "asexual." Or that's how I took it. (Maybe I'm mixed up.) So, if you met someone you found really physically attractive, you still would have no interest in sex with that person?
No, I wouldn't be interested in sex with them, even if I found them attractive.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 06:47 PM
  #39
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Does he find you attractive?

Also I am quite confused on importance of liking someone’s appearance or someone being good looking is being of importance. I’ve been with men whom I was in love with and were attracted to but they weren’t particularly attractive and I didn’t give it two thoughts.

Do people really equate attraction to “liking how one looks”? I’ve been on this Earth over 50 years and I never thought that liking someone’s appearance and being attracted to them/in love is the same thing! Such emphasis on looks sounds very foreign to me.
Yes, he finds me attractive.
And I think there are different kinds of attraction; however, I didn't want the title of the thread to be too long so I didn't specify what I was referring to. I elaborated by mentioning that I wasn't physically attracted to him in my actual post.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 06:53 PM
  #40
If you aren't interested in having sex with this person or with anyone, I think it's important to tell him that. That doesn't mean you can't date if he's ok with not having sex. I just don't think leading someone on is right (and I think you feel the same way). That said, there is no need to tell him you don't find him physically attractive. Clearly, something attracts you to him (his personality and not his looks). I think this leads to more lasting relationships anyway.

I am not particularly physically attracted to the guy I am seeing right now, but it doesn't really matter as the relationship works for both of us.
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