advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 15, 2019 at 08:45 PM
  #41
Quote:
Originally Posted by mattdadd View Post
Yes, he finds me attractive.
And I think there are different kinds of attraction; however, I didn't want the title of the thread to be too long so I didn't specify what I was referring to. I elaborated by mentioning that I wasn't physically attracted to him in my actual post.
Personally if I am not attracted to a person I am trying to date, I’d not be holding hands or kiss or cuddle. I just don’t feel like it if I am not attracted to them. Now I am very affectionate and am kissing hugging with family members/my kid/my niece etc etc but family is different.

So do you feel comfortable kissing hugging and holding hands with a boyfriend even if not feeling attraction for him? Just trying to understand
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
mattdadd

advertisement
mattdadd
Member
 
mattdadd's Avatar
mattdadd needs motivation
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
5 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default May 15, 2019 at 10:42 PM
  #42
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Personally if I am not attracted to a person I am trying to date, I’d not be holding hands or kiss or cuddle. I just don’t feel like it if I am not attracted to them. Now I am very affectionate and am kissing hugging with family members/my kid/my niece etc etc but family is different.

So do you feel comfortable kissing hugging and holding hands with a boyfriend even if not feeling attraction for him? Just trying to understand
He's the only person I've ever felt comfortable with when it comes to physical contact. I don't hug and kiss family because I never got used to it, and being touched made me recoil. But with my S/O, it all feels very natural and enjoyable. Holding hands and hugging is easy for me to do with him, and I've gotten better with kissing (to the point where he doesn't need to take the lead as much anymore).
mattdadd is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, divine1966
mattdadd
Member
 
mattdadd's Avatar
mattdadd needs motivation
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
5 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default May 15, 2019 at 10:44 PM
  #43
Quote:
Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
If you aren't interested in having sex with this person or with anyone, I think it's important to tell him that. That doesn't mean you can't date if he's ok with not having sex. I just don't think leading someone on is right (and I think you feel the same way). That said, there is no need to tell him you don't find him physically attractive. Clearly, something attracts you to him (his personality and not his looks). I think this leads to more lasting relationships anyway.

I am not particularly physically attracted to the guy I am seeing right now, but it doesn't really matter as the relationship works for both of us.
He's aware I'm not interested in sex, and he says he's fine with it.
mattdadd is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 16, 2019 at 12:33 AM
  #44
Quote:
Originally Posted by mattdadd View Post
He's the only person I've ever felt comfortable with when it comes to physical contact. I don't hug and kiss family because I never got used to it, and being touched made me recoil. But with my S/O, it all feels very natural and enjoyable. Holding hands and hugging is easy for me to do with him, and I've gotten better with kissing (to the point where he doesn't need to take the lead as much anymore).
But see from what you described it sounds that you are attracted to him, physical closeness with him is natural for you. You just don’t feel sexual desire and do not find him attractive, which is not the same as not having physical attraction.

Do you ever feel sexually aroused in general, not in relation to this guy? If not, then it has nothing really to do with how attracted you are to this particular person.

You are kind of addressing two issues on this thread, which are somewhat unrelated. One is you in general aren’t interested in sex with anyone. Second is you not finding your partner attractive, not liking his looks.
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
mattdadd
Member
 
mattdadd's Avatar
mattdadd needs motivation
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
5 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default May 16, 2019 at 09:01 AM
  #45
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Do you ever feel sexually aroused in general, not in relation to this guy? If not, then it has nothing really to do with how attracted you are to this particular person.

You are kind of addressing two issues on this thread, which are somewhat unrelated. One is you in general aren’t interested in sex with anyone. Second is you not finding your partner attractive, not liking his looks.
No, I never feel sexually aroused. Also, my (original) issue was only about not liking his looks. Me not being interested in sex just got brought up along the way. The latter isn't a huge deal for me though since my S/O and I have talked about it multiple times.
mattdadd is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous46341
Guest
Anonymous46341 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 16, 2019 at 10:46 AM
  #46
I think if you like spending time with this person, then there may be little harm, for now. It is important, however, to recognize if this person is much more serious about the relationship than you, wants sex, love, commitment, etc. If so, you should be honest that you are enjoying their company, but are not having other deeper feelings.

I don't know how old you are or how experienced in dating you are. If this has already been mentioned, sorry I didn't read all responses. For people with little experience, "practice" dating is a good thing, in my view. I did it. I don't think you have to only date people with the assumption it could lead to anything major.

I remember the first time I saw my husband I loved his smile, but thought "He really has a huge nose!" But once I got to know him, I started to feel like everything about him was beautiful. He later told me he found me attractive, but that my eyeglasses were hideous. Despite that, love development. We've both had our "not as attractive" periods over the years, but the deep love made that minor. You won't develop such a love with many people in life and sometimes loving feelings fade, but experience is good to help figure out priorities.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
mattdadd
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 16, 2019 at 03:13 PM
  #47
I personally say looks aren’t important. But it’s just me.
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
mattdadd
mattdadd
Member
 
mattdadd's Avatar
mattdadd needs motivation
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
5 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default May 16, 2019 at 05:05 PM
  #48
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
It is important, however, to recognize if this person is much more serious about the relationship than you, wants sex, love, commitment, etc. If so, you should be honest that you are enjoying their company, but are not having other deeper feelings.

I don't know how old you are or how experienced in dating you are. If this has already been mentioned, sorry I didn't read all responses.
I'm very serious about our relationship. I just don't want sex and I'm not attracted by my S/O's appearance. They're aware I don't want sex, and they've told me they're fine with it.

This is my first time dating (I mentioned this earlier) and I'm 18 years old (I haven't mentioned this yet).
mattdadd is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,302 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 16, 2019 at 11:15 PM
  #49
Quote:
Originally Posted by mattdadd View Post
I'm very serious about our relationship. I just don't want sex and I'm not attracted by my S/O's appearance. They're aware I don't want sex, and they've told me they're fine with it.

This is my first time dating (I mentioned this earlier) and I'm 18 years old (I haven't mentioned this yet).
I had no sexual interest in anyone at 18. I did have a boyfriend but zero desire to sleep with him. Your lack of interest in sex could be just your young age. Your boyfriend. being fine without sex could be also due to his young age (if he is just as young). Things change rapidly at your age and what seem one way today will appear entirely different just few months later.
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
mattdadd
Anonymous48672
Guest
Anonymous48672 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 17, 2019 at 02:10 PM
  #50
Quote:
Originally Posted by mattdadd View Post
I'm very serious about our relationship. I just don't want sex and I'm not attracted by my S/O's appearance. They're aware I don't want sex, and they've told me they're fine with it.

This is my first time dating (I mentioned this earlier) and I'm 18 years old (I haven't mentioned this yet).
Definitely wait to have sex with the right person. Now that we know you're so young, that changes everything.

You have your whole life in front of you to date and be in relationships with different people.

It is always wise to follow your intuition. Learn to trust yourself and your gut feeling and that will always guide you in the right direction.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
mattdadd
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:34 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.