Give me a goal

I was in an abusive relationship with a narc. It's ended, and very suddenly. The whole thing feels like I've had a year of my life stripped away, which is pretty accurate when you consider the whole year was based on a lie I was being told.

Before I met her, I was a loner and I didn't have much direction, but I was also a motorcyclist and a artist and I got a lot of my personal identity from those things. Because she demanded and coerced so much attention, those things fell by the wayside. My route through life and future destination became tied up with her. The vanishing act means that path in life is now gone and the things that made me, "me", are also gone alongside it. On top of that, the experience as a whole has left me traumatised from the abuse and I'm struggling with lack of motivation, depression and existential crisis. I know what I "should" do with myself (or at least I have a few ideas), I just don't know why I should do it. Its resulting in halfhearted attempts to regain control of my life and a lot of waiting around for developments.

It's a very empty, lonely place to be. And it's one that doesn't seem to be improving with time. Looking over my past posts, I can see that I've been in this same state of mind since the relationship ended and I'm not sure how I can improve the state of affairs.

I want someone to give me a mission or purpose, so I'm going to ask you lot for one. Set me a task or goal to achieve, and if it sounds reasonable, I'll go out and do it and keep you informed on my progress.

Best thing to do I've found is start small. If you set too huge of a goal it might seem too overwhelming and you're more likely to give up, especially with depression involved.

Do you like motorcycling and art still? Go for a bike ride, or if you no longer have one make it a long-term goal to get one again. Perhaps settle for a regular bicycle if affording a motorcycle is out of the question for too long. A bit rusty on the art? Practice! Set a small goal of doing one basic sketch or low-detailed painting (I don't know what medium you use for an exact example). Maybe even try a medium you haven't tried yet.

A purpose is much more personal, so that one I think you need to ponder yourself.

I've not been here in a while so this is the first of your posts I've read, so apologies if I'm missing key details.

I've still got a motorbike. It's powerful and needs to be respected, and since I'm rusty, I'm just taking small trips around to get used to it again. The weather is bad at the moment though, so I'm only getting the odd day to drive before the rain starts up again.

As for art work, I'm a sculptor. I make figurines. I want to get into bronze casting, and I'm slowly saving up money for smelting gear for lost-wax process. The main issue that I have with my art work at the moment is that I can't see any point in spending potentially 50+ hours over several weeks making something that no one is going to see? What's the point of art if there's no one to appreciate it?

Well, there's a couple possible points that come to mind, the major one being that it will give you something to do and focus your mind on. The 2nd being possible income, depending. You could sell your art and that would have people appreciating it. I don't know about your area, but at least around here there's different venues for up-and-coming artists to showcase their work. If that's not an option for you, the internet is a good place. Etsy is a good site for selling artwork and made goods. There's websites like Deviant Art that you can make what is essentially a portfolio of your work and take commissions through it for custom work too. Art could be a great focus for you depending on what you're wiling to do with it.

There are places where I could sell my art work, but I don't really struggle for money. I'm not rich, I just don't have much I want to spend it on. There's the old question: "What would you do if you won the lottery?" And I can't answer that. Having more money wouldn't change a thing for me. It makes poor motivation.

So prestige and success? Well, I had that once, then lost it. I worked my way up in the art world, but I was betrayed by someone I trusted and I lost it all. I'm kinda tired and disillusioned with chasing that goal. In the end, it was just one card in a house of cards.

I've got this vision in my head of my perfect life, but every time an element of it becomes reality, someone always steps on it and I have to start over again. I'm nearly 40 now, and I'm no closer to achieving my ambitions than I was when I was a teen. Further away in some regards because I seem to be eliminating options left and right. It's getting to a point where I'm starting to feel like it's impossible. Not because the goal is unreasonable, but because there's something stood in the way that I can't overcome. And it's not from within me, but rather an outside source. This is where I start to sound crazy and paranoid I suppose, but I've experienced it too often to not take it seriously.

There's something wrong with the world. Something evil and oppressive. It makes people puppets to it as well manifests within general causality. And I feel like I am, or I have made, myself a target for it. Like I'm cursed. It doesn't seem to matter how I try to change the world or myself, it's too ubiquitous and grandiose to go up against. Like it's a universal law. I've heard what I experience called the Demiurge and it seems to fit the bill.

I guess that's why I feel stuck. Because I've ended up in a fight with reality itself and I'm trying to move myself around the karmic wheel. I've prayed at many altars, figuratively speaking, but I've found them all to give the same results. It's all one big loop, or at least that's all I seem to be able to achieve.

What are your other ambitions, if I may ask? If it's too hard to talk about I understand.

If you really don't know what to do with money, there's always various charities that could use it. Almost anything you could think of there's a charity for it. You could try yourself to put it to some good use if you don't want to give it to a charity - funding community projects, helping the poor with housing/food/clothing items or debt, stuff like that.

I definitely understand where you're coming from with the feeling of defeat and fighting against something that just wants to keep you down. I'm 30 myself and have been feeling that way for a while, just in general lost and just when I think I've found a solution it gets crushed and I'm lost again. I wouldn't call you paranoid by any means. We've been taught that's how it is, something is in our way. I wish I could provide you more insight or a solution, but unfortunately since I'm in the same boat I don't have a paddle to get us out of there.

Well, I've only got one vision really. I've been trying to follow it, but keep on getting knocked off the path.

Here's what I WANT to achieve. I want to own my own business, creating pieces of art from my own workshop. And I want a partner who shares the vision and works alongside me, not only in running the business, but also is supportive and has my interests at heart.

It doesn't seem like much to ask from life, right?

It doesn't seem like much to ask, no. Finding that perfect person can be hard though. "Right time right place" kind of stuff. It's extremely frustrating too, I know. We just have to keep trying... I wish I had proper advice for you, but alas all I can say here really is "I understand what it feels like and I wish you the best". Online dating? Meetups? I dunno, I tried those myself and it didn't work out but it still could and perhaps would work for you, so don't give up. Perhaps talking it out with a therapist could help you. There's only so much we can do here for you, not knowing you on a deeper level.