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lacerta
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Default May 09, 2019 at 12:31 AM
  #1
I suspect my mom has OCD. I'm adult, I have my own family, kids. I have some issues with meeting with mom. Whenever we have set a date, I feel anxienty long before, even month. When it's over, I'm really sad for couple of days. I don't really want to see her or spend holidays together but I feel shame for that. Mom is super concerned with table manners. She stresses out about every little piece of crumble on table. She keeps telling loud about every wrong thing at table. She makes kids clean up crumbles fallen from eating table at a hotel room we are leaving anyway. My chilhood was constant fight about cleaniness among other emontionally abusive stuff. My problem is that I'm afraid to confront mother about her issues. I have bipolar disorder from all the **** I have gone through and I'm very angry with all the experiences I had in my family which has put me through years of huge stress. However, I can't stop meeting them, I feel submissive, I have problems confronting her about actions I don't like that she does. Every now and then she goes hysteric when she feels blamed and then she goes for suicide theatening or silent treatment or psychosis with absurd theats e.g. leaving job, going away from home so that we would have better life etc. She is stigmatising MI and would laugh at possibility to go to therapy etc. She wants to have childern over for a week in summer, but I hate this idea. Sorry for chaotic narrative. I would appreciate any comments on how to pull the pieces together.

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Default May 09, 2019 at 03:57 AM
  #2
Firstly, I don’t believe your kids should be with her for a week over summer.

I know you say that not seeing her at all is not going to happen.

Maybe you can write her a letter so that you can think about your words first. Give HER the choice to change her ways when you come to visit and tell her that unless she treats you and the kids different then you won’t be coming around.

If she threatens suicide tell her that you will block all contact with her until she stops saying that. She is very manipulative and you and your kids do not deserve it
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Default May 09, 2019 at 03:57 AM
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From everything you have said, don't let her guilt you into letting the kids stay over for very long. Perhaps it is best if they never spend the night? Be strong for your kids. I am sorry you do not have a mom/grandma that you can rely on.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 04:07 AM
  #4
You're not obligated to have your children away from you for an entire week. Certainly, their father must agree? The kids certainly must not be agreeable to the idea? They are your kids to raise how you see fit. Somethings don't require a long explanation. How old are your kids? How did the suggestion come about?
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Default May 09, 2019 at 05:03 AM
  #5
Thanks for support! No, I don't think they should spend time 1:1 with her. Neither their dad agrees with this. My main problem is that I have never confronted her about way she is. I have not told her that she is most probably ill, I've not said how it's affecting me. My sister recently told her that it's disturbing how many negative remarks and teachings she makes and she started crying. She's far from being aware that she has a problem. Not even speaking about MI that has to be treated. She cannot stand feeling that someone is angry with her and in any case of argument or me distancing she will force the conflict to resolution. Well, I feel I lack social skills to resist.

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Default May 09, 2019 at 05:16 AM
  #6
Kids are 6 and 8. The grandparents spending time with kids over holidays is general practice here as kids have much longer summer holidays than parents. We don't have many options for child care in school holidays.

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Default May 09, 2019 at 06:18 AM
  #7
Do you/can you see a therapist to help you face your mother so as to protect yourself and your children?

I suggest that you read about emotional blackmail, which what your mother is doing.
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Default May 09, 2019 at 06:23 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Do you/can you see a therapist to help you face your mother so as to protect yourself and your children?

I suggest that you read about emotional blackmail, which what your mother is doing.

I've been in therapy for about 5 years, now it's been 1-2years since I'm out. This is something to consider to go back for some time to deal with this problem

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Default May 14, 2019 at 09:05 PM
  #9
chances are she isn't going to change her ways.
chances are she didn't "give or cause "your bipolar.
whether she is stigmatizing mental illness is not erven the issue...she has her own issues as due you.

are your children bothered by her attitudes? do they come home from visits upset? if not maybe suggest a shorter visit say of a few days, since perhaps it is your feelings that you are applying to the visit. if the worst she does is be over concerned with table manners, kids can adjust and deal for a few days. , if the rest of the visit is fun for them. will she take them for trips? have fun activities? don't let your feelings cloud over what facts there are for the visit.

what will it accomplish to confront her? other then to deal with your feelings? if she is ocd confronting her is not going to solve her ocd. and if she is older (and it sounds like she is) it might make the condition worse, since you are confronting her and she may not be willing or able or willing to change what has been her norm for a lifetime.

just because it bothers YOU does not mean it is the right action to change something in another person.

would your children be in DANGER during the visit? if not then why stop the visit?
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Default May 15, 2019 at 12:02 AM
  #10
I would say: first of all - drop the word "confront" from your brainstorming about how to deal with your mom. Setting up "A Confrontation" probably would just stir up a bunch of anger. I know a lot of people think that "confront" means "taking a stand" and not allowing someone else to mistreat you. It's supposed to mean empowering yourself. In reality, it doesn't, IMO. That's just letting someone else "bait" you.

It may be that your mother is incapable of choosing to change her behavior. It is your behavior that has to change. When your mom holds up a hoop, you don't have to jump through it. When she says everyone has to start picking up crumbs, you don't have to comply. You need to practice "constructive disobedience." Ex: "No Mother, we're not going to pick up the crumbs right now. Those crumbs aren't bothering anyone and we're going to just forget about them at this time." Then do exactly that. Sit the kids down and explain that they have to be respectful of grandma, but that sometimes grandma has silly ideas and that you will let them know when a silly idea should not be paid attention to.

I know that will create a lot of tension, when you first try it. But the tension won't kill anyone. Stick with this approach and things may slowly change.

Grandma likes to make a big deal out of what is unimportant. Don't get baited into a big argument. Quiet refusal to take orders from grandma is the way you get yourself into a position of strength. Getting upset (and confrontational) with your mother allows her to win. Staying quiet, unperturbed and intent on ignoring her silly mandates is the way for you and the kids to escape her tyranny.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 01:54 AM
  #11
I also do not think your kids should spend a week with her. I also do not know if "confronting" her is a wise idea. She may have OCD or she may just be really particular but without your own medical training you can't really diagnose her or say she has a mental illness because she probably will not be receptive to that. I think you need to focus on her behavior regardless of an suspicions about mental illness. If you bring this up will she listen? Will she be receptive? It may be better to focus on what behavior is unacceptable to you and say something about that and leave the MI part out for now.

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