It takes one event for friends to become 'fair weather'

So, a few months ago I met two new friends. Lots of new friend pleasantries exchanged (jokes, good cheer, no personal information about families or friends).

But now that I've 'exposed' my real life to these two people, their responses have shown me they were probably just acquaintances and 'fair weather' friends from the start.

I'm going through hell arguing with my sister about getting our mother qualified and set for assisted living, as her dementia gets worse and worse, while I try to balance grad school, getting more student loans, trying to find a full-time job, and a place of my own to live that I can afford using my student loan refund money.

Recently, one of these 'new friends' sent me an email after our last casual brunch together, to tell me her friend was willing to barter with me for website work for me in exchange for writing for him.

I told her that I forgot about that conversation, couldn't pay him anything, that I had a lot of personal stuff going on (listed above). Her response showed me her true colors; she responded to remind me of the conversation and that was it. Didn't even sign her name or comment on the large amount of stress I'm going through.

This is the same woman who defended her college roommate, she introduced me to, who within a few days of meeting me, sent me an adult-mean-girls message on Facebook, accusing me of being fake, "You want everyone to like you. You come across strong and outgoing but you're really weak and fragile." Of course, I responded to her message, telling her I thought she was projecting, that her message to me was rude, and that I had no interest in being her friend.

So, I then messaged our mutual friend who introduced us -- her college roommate -- and told her that while her friend sent me that rude message, I still wanted to be friends with her, and hoped it wouldn't interfere. But, she lied, telling me it wouldn't interfere b/c she then defended her rude college roommate friend of 30 years, writing, "Wires crossed. You are too sensitive. She was being intuitive."

FFS, no she wasn't being intuitive. She was being rude. She doesn't know me well enough to judge me like that. She was gaslighting me, probably b/c she didn't like my personalty, and felt that my friendship with her friend was threatening to her somehow -- like I was friend poaching which was not the case.

I would NEVER send someone I just met, a rude character assassination of their personality on Facebook. If I don't like you, I tell you. But I do it respectfully. I don't tell you "you're being fake." I think her rude message to me is because she's really insecure and used to trying to undermine other women she views as threatening to her 30 year friendship with her college roommate. Kind of weird in my opinion. But then I don't have friends from childhood, high school, or college whom I keep in contact with. I've had friends poached from me too, by women like this woman accused me of doing (wrongly so) and it's hurtful.

Both of these ladies have over 2,000 FB friends and post multiple selfies on their FB wall every day, of what they're wearing, of all the merlot happy hours they'll host at their place, etc.

So, after I emailed this other gal that while I was grateful for her help I was going through all of this personal stuff, it's all of the sudden I'm not that interesting or fun to her anymore. Hence my thread title for this post.

I really think people's true colors -- their true intentions with you -- becomes clear when you ask them for emotional support while you're going through a rough time. The people who reciprocate with emotional support, or at least acknowledge "Hey Im sorry you are going through this" obviously like you enough to want to be your friend.

But this woman didn't even acknowledge the stress I'm going through, so that makes me think, she's only ever viewed me as a fringe friendship, on the outer edge of her social network universe.

I'm disappointed. I thought she and I had a lot in common as friends. Now at least I know she doesn't view me as much more than a fringe acquaintance. Anyone have similar experiences with new friendships?

I'm so sorry you're going through ALL of this, StreetcarBlanche! I COMPLETELY understand your frustration! I don't have a lot of experience with this personally, because I don't have a lot of friends in general but I understand what you mean! It is certainly VERY disappointing when that happens! However, if you want to look at the bright side, it IS good that you've at least understood her true colors VERY soon! It would have been much more hurtful if you've had discovered it later, right? At least you know now! I COMPLETELY agree with you that asking for support is what makes us understand people's TRUE intentions! That comment was really rude!! I'm so sorry you've had to put up with such a nasty, rude person! I hope you'll be able to cut off contacts with her asoon as you possibly can if you haven't already! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you were able to find out, truly! Remember that we'll ALL be here for you if you need us and that you can trust us! We'll NEVER abandon you and we'll NEVER judge you! I PROMISE YOU ALL FO THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL FO THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Please keep us updated as much as you can if you want to, ok? WE DO CARE ABOUT YOU! Sending many hugs to you, StreetcarBlanche!!!!!

Thanks MickeyCheeky for your sweet response. I'm definitely not going to contact her anymore. I'm just frustrated that this happens when it does. Just because I go through a difficult period doesn't mean I'm not capable of being someone's friend. I really don't understand why this makes some people pull away the way she did. Talk is cheap with most people. They use the term 'friend' loosely, it seems.

StreetcarBlanch, one of the challenges that can develop when suffering from narcissistic abuse is being sensitive. This is something I myself have been challenged with in that certain responses from people can trigger me in that the responses were used by the narcissistic abuser. And the narcissistic abuser doesn't care about your self esteem, however, they will use their skills to make you think they respect you and your self esteem if it benefits them in some way.

Your sister already made it a point to have all the power over your mother and even her money. From what you have described your sister doesn't care about your mother, what she cares about the most is having the power. The fact that you are taking steps to not get left with having to do all the "care" with your mother is wise and means a part of you is aware of the game being played. Yet, you do still care about your mother's well being.

These two "friends" you are talking about MAY be similar in that one of these two has the power and the other one is already under their control. Suddenly you ended up in a triangle with them and that can be very triggering in that you are already in a toxic triangle with your mother and sister and neither your mother nor your sister are respecting your own needs when it comes to getting an education and being able to be independent. That being said, sometimes it's not exactly the same, but it can FEEL like it and be triggering and cause you to react defensively. That would be a normal reaction to experiencing the kind of narcissitic abuse you have talked about experiencing.

I believe you when you talk about wanting to find care for your mother before you leave and your sister isn't even listening or respecting how that is important to you. It's unfortunate, but your sister will continue to WANT all the control and I have a strong feeling is the only way you are going to get her to LISTEN to you is to set a timeline and just leave. If she doesn't provide the care your mother deserves, then your next step is to report her to elder abuse and neglect. They will do a check on your mother and they will MAKE your sister do something or your sister will LOSE the power she has. Actually, this is what my older brother ended up doing when it came to my parents. My sister wanted all the control over them and their money, but, she was lying about the care they were getting and both me and my older brother stopped to see them and their house stunk so bad and all the food in their refrigerator was rotten and their refrigerator stunk to high heaven. At that point I did not really know about what my parents set up for who they gave ALL the control to. My sister did not want me or my brother to know that reality. I was under the impression that my sister was going to hire people to care for my parents, well, she did not do that and they were at the point where they both needed that. This is the sad reality when a parent is slowly declining with dementia, they get so they can't care for themselves and become more and more dependent. If your mother doesn't have a lot of money to cover her care but there will be insurance for when she passes, your sister may actually neglect your mother and only care about the insurance pay out when your mother passes. Some people can be THAT COLD. If your sister can use you as your mother's caregiver, she will do so if she is selfish too. Honestly, it can be very hard when dealing with someone who insists on having all the control and don't want YOU to have any control at all. Sometimes that means having to walk away and hand that person control and hold that person to the responsibilities of that control they covet so much. The price is that you will then be deemed the cold enemy deserving of shunning and punishing. Hell hath no fury like that of the narcissist.

I can see you have been learning a lot about this kind of toxic person. They definitely leave you with some pretty disturbing injuries that can create some difficult sensitivies. I have this myself and my own experience has been absolutely "horrible". It definitely takes time to heal and sometimes you will need to travel solo for a while and get yourself established so you can have more strength in yourself first. You are trying to do that for yourself and are still young enough to do so. It's best to be independent as toxic people like to look for victims that they can get to be dependent on them.

They sound shallow and superficial. They probably can't see the value of your EQ and your other good qualities. They are not worthy of your friendship. I'm sorry you had to experience this. I am sending good thoughts your way, that someone nicer will come your way.