Can never tell my boyfriend when he bothers me

I’ve never been awful with communication and my therapist thinks this is something my father instilled in me. When I am upset I never tell anyone what they did to upset me, every time I don’t stand up for myself my heart hurts. I don’t know why I can’t, I feel so guilty when I do, like nobody cares or I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling. My boyfriend is amazing, but the one before him would always flip things on me and make them my fault. I don’t understand why I can’t tell my current boyfriend when he does something that bothers me, he’s supportive and loving and no matter how much I know he’d listen and be willing to do things a little differently for me I can’t seem to bring myself to tell him. It can be something so small, and sometimes my frustration builds up because I haven’t said anything and I snap at random moments. I know it’s not fair to him at all, he’s so supportive and loving and I can’t even tell him that o have a hard time expressing myself.

Try to catch when you are feeling uncomfortable then force yourself to say something. It will be awkward sometimes but all of your relationships will improve the more you do this. I know it is not easy. Perhaps it is a type of social anxiety (obviously, I do not know.) Pat yourself on the back and remind yourself to keep doing this. I am glad you are in therapy. Hugs.

Did your therapist add anymore insights to your behaviour? If what you told us is not sonething you have discussed with them (including feeling guilty, and the buildup of frustration), I think that is something you should do.

Do you have something where you can release your frustration instead of snapping at someone? When you start to feel like you're about to snap, perhaps you could redirect your attention to another activity. If someone tries to communicate with you during this time, you could let them know you're not in the mood without getting into what is bothering you specifically. Maybe that is something you could work with for now?

And If you really can't get yourself to express your boundaries in the moment you feel a type way, perhaps just randomly mentioning it in a casual conversation is better? That way you won't have any additional discomfort if you try to set your boundaries the moment they've been crossed.

Hello Doingmybest. Sorry you are struggling. As far as why you have this difficulty, I believe you answered your own question in the post. Remember that if your current boyfriend is the right person for you, he will be okay with you expressing yourself....including expressing problems or concerns. People cannot agree all of the time...if they appear to be then something is wrong....one or both aren't being honest about their feelings. Did you know that zero conflict in a relationship is actually one of the predictors of divorce?

You can avoid the snapping by slowly and gradually expressing yourself. Start small and simple. Does he always pick the restaurant or plan because you let him/just smile and agree? Next time, try saying where you really want to go. Before you are even in a situation of some sort of conflict or disagreement, tell your boyfriend that you have a new personal goal of working on expressing yourself more with everyone. Give him a heads up and ask for his support. He could even cue you in the beginning..."Do you have another suggestion to share?" etc

Your boyfriend does not really know you until he hears your true thoughts and feelings. Similarly, you don't really know his character until you see how he responds to conflict. So this is a really important area to work on.

It may be helpful to think about the scale of passive-proactive-aggressive.
People who struggle to express themselves often don't perceive a difference between proactive and aggressive but there's a big difference there. Also, you may like to think about the difference between disagreement and fighting.

Best wishes to you as you work on your new goal