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ZenZeta
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Default May 10, 2019 at 01:36 PM
  #1
I'll start off by saying this. I only learned the true meaning of codependent 2 years ago and discovered I fit the definition perfectly. I've spent time in CODA meetings and have been trying to "do the work"

Due to an interesting childhood, I've always struggled with connecting with people and been the proverbial Lonely Loner. I have a habit of aligning myself with "takers" and end up getting REALLY hurt or mistreated in relationships.

So...one of my coworkers had become a "friend", but sometimes I struggle with her ability to "Keep it Real" with me. Quite honestly, her "realness" is quite hurtful. I've brought up the fact that her comments have been hurtful before and she just says I'm being sensitive.

For instance, she made a snotty comment (in front of people) to me, and I texted her and said that the comment hurt my feelings. Her response was "Well maybe you wouldn't be so hurt if it wasn't true."

Is it me or is that pretty much NOT acknowledging that I felt hurt by what she said? She constantly takes little digs at me about my outfit or my hair or my makeup and brushes it off as "keeping it real", but I'm starting to think she's just mean and doesn't really care about my feelings at all.

Others at work have labeled her a bully, and she does have quite the strong personality. Am I being sensitive or falling back into my codependent norm of accepting less-than treatment?
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Default May 10, 2019 at 01:46 PM
  #2
A toxic person will double down when you stand up for yourself and tell them you don't care for how they are treating you. No true "friend" would want to put you down or hurt you like what you decribed of this other person.

Quote:
Others at work have labeled her a bully,
These other's are right she is a bully and doesn't know how to be a good friend. It's not YOU, it's her.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 02:24 PM
  #3
Wow, I'm so sorry you have to put up with such a mean, nasty person, ZenZeta! I completely agree with what Open Eyes has already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to listen to her as much as you possibly CAN if you want to! She always gives SUCH GREAT, WISE, WONDERFUL ADVICE TO EVERYONE! I do believe she's a toxic friend and no, you're not too "sensitive! Those are just mean, nasty comments and she should have stopped the first time you've asked her to stop! I'd suggest to just cut off contacts with her! It's clear that she doesn't respect you in my opinion! You deserve BETTER FRIEND ad MUCH, MUCH BETTER COMPANIONSHIP! Sending many hugs to you, ZenZeta!
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Default May 10, 2019 at 03:02 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by ZenZeta View Post
I'll start off by saying this. I only learned the true meaning of codependent 2 years ago and discovered I fit the definition perfectly. I've spent time in CODA meetings and have been trying to "do the work"

Due to an interesting childhood, I've always struggled with connecting with people and been the proverbial Lonely Loner. I have a habit of aligning myself with "takers" and end up getting REALLY hurt or mistreated in relationships.

So...one of my coworkers had become a "friend", but sometimes I struggle with her ability to "Keep it Real" with me. Quite honestly, her "realness" is quite hurtful. I've brought up the fact that her comments have been hurtful before and she just says I'm being sensitive.

For instance, she made a snotty comment (in front of people) to me, and I texted her and said that the comment hurt my feelings. Her response was "Well maybe you wouldn't be so hurt if it wasn't true."

Is it me or is that pretty much NOT acknowledging that I felt hurt by what she said? She constantly takes little digs at me about my outfit or my hair or my makeup and brushes it off as "keeping it real", but I'm starting to think she's just mean and doesn't really care about my feelings at all.

Others at work have labeled her a bully, and she does have quite the strong personality. Am I being sensitive or falling back into my codependent norm of accepting less-than treatment?

if being not sensitive means having to put up with *****es that have no filter on themselves and hide behind the "being real" bs so they can bash and criticize others brutally then I guess I'm sensitive too because I won't put up with it and I'm affected by people like that too. No, you're not overly sensitive, you're human and the excessive behavior is on her part not yours.

She has no manners, is coarse and abrasive. your evidence that you're reacting normally should be that she's already labeled a bully in the office by others meaning you're not alone in your thinking.

She's not a friend either, you're just another target for her critical sniping. Walk away don't even bother giving her the time of day, only deal with her on things you must.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 03:38 PM
  #5
Also sorry you have to put up with this person. She does sound mean and little bit nasty. Maybe she doesn't realize your sensitivities and has different sensitivities. Are you recognizing hers? If so, great. If not, maybe be the leader in mending your friendship and if she doesn't catch on, give your time together a rest. I have been through personal battles, healing myself by surrounding myself with people who want to talk healthy with me (yes, sometimes in therapy too), and have met many personal goals for myself by myself. But, I found that in my relationships I have been drawn to takers, and allowed many to take charge of my relationship with them. This was not healthy for me. Then, I became a ditcher. I would get upset and hurt and I would leave my friends without another word said. I have lost many friendships this way too. Now I am in a place where I want to work on my relationships and I understand that... relationships take work. Be patient with your friend if you want your relationship to last.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 09:55 AM
  #6
Hello ZenZeta. I am sorry that you are struggling with this issue. You said
She constantly takes little digs at me about my outfit or my hair or my makeup and brushes it off as "keeping it real"

This does not sound like friendship to me. This sounds like basic disrespect. I believe you have met someone with very low self-esteem and rather than address that in a healthy way, she is engaging in one-upmanship in order to try to prop herself up.

I am typically not so blunt on PC but I sincerely recommend that you end social ties with this person. Unfortunately, I think you said she's also a colleague. Do I have that right? I would avoid having a direct discussion with her about her behavior. For one thing, she has already indicated that she is unwilling to adjust or improve her behavior. So I don't think that will get you anywhere. And you also don't want to trigger a high-conflict situation at work. So I recommend gently pulling back without explanation. At work, just be civil and professional. If she suggests a night out or something, just politely decline the offer. You don't have to give a reason or can simply say that you are busy.

I would not call her "toxic" because that's not a word I use to describe people. Though I certainly agree with you that this dynamic is unhealthy. And as I said, I would not call it friendship.

I also would not call you "too sensitive." I'm not sure it's possible for someone to be too sensitive. By that I mean, a person's sensitivity is part of their nature. Some fall higher along the continuum than others. A person could certainly be defensive or reactive....those are problematic responses. But simply feeling sensitive, in my opinion, is not in itself a problem. Does that make any sense?

My tip for you with finding friends. You want to look for people who like themselves. Genuinely. They are comfortable in their own skin. They are pleasant. They enjoy others and treat others well. If you are out for a drink or meal, pay close attention to how a new friend treats the server or bartender. You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they treat folks in the service industry. If you start bonding with pleasant people with healthy self-esteem, you will find true healthy friendships.

As for those who are unpleasant, no need to label them or spend a lot of time analyzing them. They are unhappy. Just quietly draw a line, step back, and focus on yourself. You can inwardly wish them peace.

Sorry you have had these unpleasant experiences. Your acquaintance reminds me of a school "friend" I once had. She'd make fun of my clothes and hair and when I was clearly hurt she'd say: "I'm not trying to offend you...I'm just really honest." When I stepped back, it was quite obvious that her goal was indeed to offend.

Peace, hope, and a bright future to you ZenZeta. May you find wonderful friends who honor and appreciate you
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Default May 11, 2019 at 12:04 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenZeta View Post
She constantly takes little digs at me about my outfit or my hair or my makeup and brushes it off as "keeping it real", but I'm starting to think she's just mean and doesn't really care about my feelings at all.

Others at work have labeled her a bully, and she does have quite the strong personality.
She is not a real friend. She has shown that she doesn't care about your feelings by being dismissive and calling you too sensitive.

Control (like having to dig at your outfit, hair, makeup) is a form of bullying.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 01:37 PM
  #8
Thanks everyone. I have taken a silent step back and she's gotten worse actually. She's telling co-workers that it's "my time of the month" because I've been spending more time in my office with the door closed (not to mention that I have a work deadline).

Today I walk in to find a lint brush on my desk. When I asked her why she left it there, she said "Not everyone needs your dog's hair all over this office, and you smell like dog...:

I honestly don't think my 7 pound Yorkie leaves THAT much hairs on me, and I know for sure I don't smell "like dog".

When I said "Thanks, but I have my own lint brush" she started again about how I don't appreciate her help and that she'll be glad when "Whatever this is... " is over.

Needless to say, we haven't spoken anymore today. I'm not in the mood
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Default May 22, 2019 at 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by ZenZeta View Post
Thanks everyone. I have taken a silent step back and she's gotten worse actually. She's telling co-workers that it's "my time of the month" because I've been spending more time in my office with the door closed (not to mention that I have a work deadline).

Today I walk in to find a lint brush on my desk. When I asked her why she left it there, she said "Not everyone needs your dog's hair all over this office, and you smell like dog...:

I honestly don't think my 7 pound Yorkie leaves THAT much hairs on me, and I know for sure I don't smell "like dog".

When I said "Thanks, but I have my own lint brush" she started again about how I don't appreciate her help and that she'll be glad when "Whatever this is... " is over.

Needless to say, we haven't spoken anymore today. I'm not in the mood
Woa! Okay, now I'm going to recommend a different approach here. This is workplace harassment and I strongly encourage you to speak with HR and/or your direct supervisor. This individual is WAY over the line and also trying to turn other colleagues against you. You drew a line so now she's ramping up her actions against you. I feel you deserve and need 3rd party professional support in this situation. NOT OKAY! NOT! I have worked with people like her. It can seriously affect one's mental health. I am not one to go running for help or reporting people for trivial issues but this individual has gone TOO FAR. This is harassment.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Her behavior toward you is disgusting and there are rules against harassment in the workplace. Grab yourself a notebook, write down dates and times with direct quotes from her. Don't paraphrase anything. You can also take pictures of things like the lint roller she left on your desk. And share your notes as soon as possible with someone in authority. There are also rules against retaliation. Not a bad idea to get a consultation with a lawyer. Many offer a free initial consult. As a back-up, if HR appears dismissive or unhelpful (give them a chance first) you can mention that you have consulted with an attorney. Though I'd only mention that if nobody with authority is willing to intervene.

"you smell like dog"
"it's her time of the month"
etc
Absolutely disgusting! That person needs to be privately sat down by the boss and told "You are at work. Mind your boundaries and be respectful of everyone here. You will not comment on other people's appearance, smell, or menstruation cycle. That is illegal. This is your first caution. Repeated cautions will result in termination of your position here."
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Default May 22, 2019 at 03:32 PM
  #10
This person is being mean to you. She sounds like a bully. It’s not her decision how you should feel in response to what she says to you. She doesn’t get to decide whether you are a sensitive person or not and quite frankly, who cares if you are. Sensitive people are often compassionate and caring people.

I read a lot about codependency and spent years working on getting myself out of it. I still fall into the trap of allowing blurred boundaries in my life and trying to please people. It’s difficult. But once your ears are opened and you see the truth about things, making positive changes might feel very refreshing and might be easier than you think. Toxic Friend or Am I Being Too Sensitive
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Default May 22, 2019 at 03:39 PM
  #11
You need to file a complaint. Telling a coworker and others in the office that she smells like a dog and her clothes is filthy is a harassment. This isn’t to be tolerated. Please, you need to report it tomorrow. To your immediate boss and HR.
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Default May 24, 2019 at 06:46 AM
  #12
No you're not being sensitive. your internal alarm bells are going off indicating she's trouble. Heed your gut instinct. Freeze her out and distance yourself from her. I'd tell you to tell her to go to H**L, but sometimes vipers like this woman can take that as fuel and use it against you. So don't go that route. Just freeze her out. Always be too busy to talk to her or go anywhere with her. By doing this you're taking away her target, yet she can't use anything against you. And anyone who says rude things to you in front of other people is a true piece of garbage. There will never be any doubt about that.
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