advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 11, 2019 at 04:12 PM
  #21
Wow,LacunaCoiler,thank you so much.It really touched me and also hurt me to read what you said.It did help me though,for real.

I honestly hadn't thought about it from his perspective and what he must be going through and thinking and feeling.Thank you for sharing that.I'm really sorry for what you've gone through but I do appreciate you sharing it.

It pains me on my husband's "bad" days.Those are the days I consider "opposite" day where I know when he says yes he means no ansdeverything he says will be the opposite of what he's really trying to say.

I do think inside he feels he's less than a man now.He doesn't say that but I just know it.And as much as I hate to admit it sometimes I feel resentful that he's this way now.He used to be my rock,my safety,my stability and now I just feel so lost alone and scared often.It's scary for me.Thank you for making me think about how he must be feeling.

Everything you've said is definitely food for thought.And I do think now that I need to focus on myself for a bit,get the help and support I need and then focus on my relationship.I don't have to make any kind of decision right now like it has felt/seemed.Tbh I'm in no shape to currently anyway.

Thanks again.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, FearLess47, LacunaCoiler, Open Eyes

advertisement
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 11, 2019 at 04:26 PM
  #22
Hello LacunaCoiler,

thank you for sharing your truth and insight. That cannot be easy. You mentioned some cognitive-linguistic changes but I would like to mention that you are a beautiful writer. I am so sorry that you had a CVA and also struggle with bipolar disorder. I cannot speak for Betty but I found your words very compelling. I imagine that it will help many readers on PC...there are lots of people who read about particular concerns without posting. I hope it will comfort you to know that your candid truth is bringing solace to others. And I am very glad to hear that specialists continue to help you in the ways you need.

Your point is well made about how brain damage affects different people. I did not mean to suggest that frontal lobe damage is the only cause of problems. Nor am I here to diagnose anyone of course. I just mentioned frontal lobe impairment as one example to highlight how things can really go awry neurologically and lead to some dramatic behavioral changes which the survivor would never desire or choose. Two people could even survive a similar type of CVA and still present quite differently so a case by case analysis from specialists, as you suggested, is very important. Every brain is complex and unique.

It was very kind and brave of you to share your perspective with Betty. Your recommendation of the support group is wonderful. I wish you and your wife peace, hope, and a bright future. Take good care of yourself LacunaCoiler.

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 11, 2019 at 04:42 PM..
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Betty_Banana, FearLess47, LacunaCoiler
 
Thanks for this!
FearLess47, Open Eyes
WishfulThinker66
Magnate
 
WishfulThinker66's Avatar
WishfulThinker66 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,285
5 yr Member
117 hugs
given
Default May 12, 2019 at 11:04 AM
  #23
Hi, it may have already been stated but I strongly encourage you to find a support group. There may be ones specific to peers and family support for head injuries. Even a caregivers support group might help. So too I think a Mood disorders group which would help with the anxiety and depression. I wish you so much luck. I have seen personally a loved one become the cruelest most foulest person I have ever known owing to sudden onset of dementia and how the fall-out affected everyone.

Look, you absolutely need to care for yourself. Don't feel wretched for that. Be compassionate to yourself.
WishfulThinker66 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 12, 2019 at 06:24 PM
  #24
Thanks.Yes,I do need to care for myself.I feel so mentally and physically exhausted from all of it.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, FearLess47
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 12, 2019 at 07:28 PM
  #25
I think other posters have posted some good advice here Betty. It would be helpful for you if you reach out for help so you don't feel so alone with this challenge. You have reached out here so you are on the right path as even this thread has been helpful to you right?
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 12, 2019 at 07:41 PM
  #26
Thanks Open Eyes.Yes,this thread has been helpful.It felt like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders just by actually talking about it.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, FearLess47, Open Eyes
 
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes
Anonymous55879
Guest
Anonymous55879 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 13, 2019 at 02:38 AM
  #27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
He still doesn't get why taking all the money out of the bank upset me but I decided to just let it go for now.I know it's not a good idea for him to be going around with that much cash on him but it's not worth arguing over right now.I'm gonna wait a few more days then say something like hey,maybe we should go deposit that money,what if this or that happened,then we would be broke and up a **** creek.Give him time to get over whatever his reasoning is for carrying it with him.

We've had a good day together so far though. I feel compassion for him rather than anger or resentment.It might be different tomorrow but just for today I'm ok.

Thanks again.
Betty, I am sorry about what you are going through.

Do you have your own bank account. If you do not, I recommend getting some money together and opening one. When I was on disability, a bank was offering a $300 bonus if you opened an account and had your direct deposit go there. It is good to have an account in your own name with some emergency savings, especially when your partner is unable to handle money.

You are a good person for having so much compassion for your husband and it is a shame he is not being cooperative about getting help. It is a tragedy when people "go crazy" and an even greater tragedy when they don't see it. I am sorry it turned out like this. I do recommend therapy for you to figure out something you can do in life to go on and give you joy. It could be something you do for yourself while staying with him or it is understandable if you eventually need to leave. Just take it one day at a time trying to balance what you logically need with what your heart tells you you must do. It is tough when our family is not well. Hugs.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 13, 2019 at 09:16 AM
  #28
No I don't have my own bank account but it is something I had already been thinking is a good idea.

Thank you for responding.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous55879, Open Eyes
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 20, 2019 at 09:43 PM
  #29
I think my husband is at least considering the idea that he may actually be having some problems he hasn't been aware of.

There's a long story that goes along with the reason I say that but I won't go into it.It hurts me to even think about it tbh because I completely over -reacted and lashed out at him.Afterwards I had decided enough is enough,I can't do this anymore, and had a long talk with him.I explained that I loved him but all of this is destroying me mentally physically and spiritually and I need time away from him.I had decided the best thing was for us to live apart for awhile.

It was heart wrenching for him to keep asking me why and what he has done wrong and to try to get him to understand.

I dont think he really understands tbh.But I do believe he's considering it because I've seen him looking up some things on his phone.

I guess I will see how things go.Right now I'm just trying to stay focused on myself and my own health and sanity.And I don't plan on leaving any time soon.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, FearLess47, healingme4me, Open Eyes
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 20, 2019 at 11:14 PM
  #30
Thanks for the update BettyBanana. I continue to wish you and your husband peace. And I understand that peace means different choices for different people.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 21, 2019 at 07:21 PM
  #31
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Thanks for the update BettyBanana. I continue to wish you and your husband peace. And I understand that peace means different choices for different people.
Thank you!
Hugs
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 11:49 AM
  #32
I seriously can't do this anymore. I'm not sure how much is his health issues or he's just an asshole.

He got mad at me a couple of weeks ago and went and took all the money out of the bank again.

He also got mad at me because a man was looking at me,checking me out.He said I had "glanced" at the guy and invited him to stare at me,that the glance was luring him and meant I was interested. He threw something at me.Called me horrible names and became violent.

I'm backing away from him and this relationship. I'm moving into another bedroom,I'm going to get a job,start my own bank account,save my money and then leave him and divorce him.

It doesn't really matter whether it's his health issues or not,I don't deserve to live this way or be treated this way.And since he's still refusing to get help or take his medication I don't feel a bit fkn guilty right now.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643, Anonymous44076, Mopey, Open Eyes
 
Thanks for this!
Mopey
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 11:52 AM
  #33
Good for you. No one deserves that kind of treatment, no matter what is going on. Good you're drawing the line and boundary of what's entirely unacceptable to you. And it's great you have a plan! I'm very sorry you've had to endure this. Please do take good care of yourself. You don't need to be in a violent situation. Please be safe and keep your distance as much as possible.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Medusax
Grand Member
 
Medusax's Avatar
Medusax has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 773
5 yr Member
330 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 12:27 PM
  #34
I am sorry to hear you are going through this, and twice as sorry for your husband that it I happening to. My older friend is in the moderate stages of dementia and also has heart troubles. He often exhibits the same behaviors you have described. You have my sympathy....

__________________
I go about my own business, and keep my mind on myself and my life. I expect the same courtesy from the rest of the world.
Medusax is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Mopey
Magnate
 
Mopey's Avatar
Mopey remove
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: California
Posts: 2,025
5 yr Member
1,520 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 02:35 PM
  #35
Betty - so sorry....
Mopey is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 02:41 PM
  #36
And the next time he gets violent with me I'm calling the police.Why should I overlook it? He won't go back to his neurologist,won't take his medication, treats me like **** and expects me to let it all go.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643, Anonymous44076, Mopey, Open Eyes
Buffy01
Wise Elder
 
Buffy01's Avatar
Buffy01 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,461 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
9,664 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 07:40 PM
  #37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
Instead of giving a very long back story I will try to make this as short as possible.

My husband had a few mini strokes and he is not who he used to be.Not at all.It has changed his personality and it feels like my loving husband has left or died and this man I don't like very well and can't get along with has taken his place.

Everything turns into an argument.Everything that I try to discuss with him goes down hill very quickly and we end up yelling at each other.It doesn't matter how I try to approach him,or when,it's never a good time or a good idea to discuss anything,not even important things.

He seems very rebellious,anything I ask him to do,even hey can you please run this bag of trash outside or hey can you take the dog out for me while I cook turns into a tug of war and a big issue so I end up doing everything myself.He is ok physically,he has no physical effects,it's just his personality and behavior has changed.

I do love him but I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.And I feel SOOOO guilty for even saying any of this because I'm afraid I will get attacked for complaining or even considering leaving him due to something that's not his fault.

I'm just so tired of all the arguing.I try so hard not to,I overlook so much,but after awhile I start feeling like a doormat and like I don't matter at all.An example,he took all the money out of the bank yesterday without telling me.I didn't know until I got an email with our balance this morning.When I tried to talk to him about it he asked what the big deal was,asked me what's the difference in the money being in the bank or in his wallet.I tried to explain that what I was upset about was the fact that he took it all out without even telling me.It turned into a huge argument of course,he said he did nothing wrong and I was just "looking for an excuse to treat him like ****".I walked away from the argument and have been avoiding him all day since then.I am really frustrated because these types of things keep happening.
.
Yes,I have talked to his doctors.Yes he has had testing done.

I am really hurting and torn.I don't want to walk away from him yet I don't think I can continue this way either.

Sometimes I wish I would just die rather than have to even go through this struggle or have to make any kind of decision.And I guess I just needed to finally say this out loud to someone,to anyone,because it's too hard holding it all inside.
Have you thought about looking for counseling design for stroke victim and their familes?
Buffy01 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Buffy01
Wise Elder
 
Buffy01's Avatar
Buffy01 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,461 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
9,664 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 07:41 PM
  #38
Quote:
Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
Do you mind sharing what the doctors said? It sounds like maybe he has some dementia. I don't know if a stroke can cause that. It must be very difficult living with someone who has changed so much. I don't really have any advice for you, but I would not blame you if you decided to leave him.
I completely agree!
Buffy01 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Buffy01
Wise Elder
 
Buffy01's Avatar
Buffy01 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 9,461 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
9,664 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 07:42 PM
  #39
Quote:
Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
The doctor said he has cognitive and memory issues but it's "not quite dementia".
Perhaps he doesn't recognize you and confused with a stranger. I heard of this happening before.
Buffy01 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Betty_Banana
Betty_Banana
Veteran Member
 
Betty_Banana's Avatar
Betty_Banana has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 691
10 yr Member
314 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 25, 2019 at 08:51 AM
  #40
I'm calm and ok now.I feel stupid for writing all the stuff I did about a divorce.I was just sooo extremely upset,frustrated and burned out.

It was a good thing though because I did get so upset that I told him my plans and even slept in a different bedroom.And guess what? He actually called and made a doctor appointment himself.He doesn't go for a few weeks but holy cow I'm happy about it.
Betty_Banana is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous40643, Anonymous44076, Open Eyes, unaluna
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:28 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.