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Default May 10, 2019 at 04:35 PM
  #1
Instead of giving a very long back story I will try to make this as short as possible.

My husband had a few mini strokes and he is not who he used to be.Not at all.It has changed his personality and it feels like my loving husband has left or died and this man I don't like very well and can't get along with has taken his place.

Everything turns into an argument.Everything that I try to discuss with him goes down hill very quickly and we end up yelling at each other.It doesn't matter how I try to approach him,or when,it's never a good time or a good idea to discuss anything,not even important things.

He seems very rebellious,anything I ask him to do,even hey can you please run this bag of trash outside or hey can you take the dog out for me while I cook turns into a tug of war and a big issue so I end up doing everything myself.He is ok physically,he has no physical effects,it's just his personality and behavior has changed.

I do love him but I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.And I feel SOOOO guilty for even saying any of this because I'm afraid I will get attacked for complaining or even considering leaving him due to something that's not his fault.

I'm just so tired of all the arguing.I try so hard not to,I overlook so much,but after awhile I start feeling like a doormat and like I don't matter at all.An example,he took all the money out of the bank yesterday without telling me.I didn't know until I got an email with our balance this morning.When I tried to talk to him about it he asked what the big deal was,asked me what's the difference in the money being in the bank or in his wallet.I tried to explain that what I was upset about was the fact that he took it all out without even telling me.It turned into a huge argument of course,he said he did nothing wrong and I was just "looking for an excuse to treat him like ****".I walked away from the argument and have been avoiding him all day since then.I am really frustrated because these types of things keep happening.
.
Yes,I have talked to his doctors.Yes he has had testing done.

I am really hurting and torn.I don't want to walk away from him yet I don't think I can continue this way either.

Sometimes I wish I would just die rather than have to even go through this struggle or have to make any kind of decision.And I guess I just needed to finally say this out loud to someone,to anyone,because it's too hard holding it all inside.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 04:38 PM
  #2
Do you mind sharing what the doctors said? It sounds like maybe he has some dementia. I don't know if a stroke can cause that. It must be very difficult living with someone who has changed so much. I don't really have any advice for you, but I would not blame you if you decided to leave him.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 04:44 PM
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The doctor said he has cognitive and memory issues but it's "not quite dementia".
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Default May 10, 2019 at 04:44 PM
  #4
I can't even imagine how hard what you're going thru is. My partner was sick with cancer for 3 1/2 years before he passed. It affected him physically, but not his personality. I think it must be much harder when their personality is affected. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. What does his doctor suggest? Maybe your husband could be given medication that is calming? I'm glad you reached out and I hope you have a good support system.

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Default May 10, 2019 at 04:48 PM
  #5
His doctor suggested he see a neuropsychologist and go from there but he refused(and still refuses) to do that.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 04:50 PM
  #6
Oh and he was started on an antidepressant but I just realized a few days ago he stopped taking it and when I asked him about it he said he doesn't need it.(cant think of the name of it right now)
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Default May 10, 2019 at 05:01 PM
  #7
That is frustrating that he won't take it. I'm not married, but I do have a brother who is mentally ill and refused to get treatment for a long time. The hard part is that you can't force a grown man to take meds. I feel for you.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 06:02 PM
  #8
Jeez, Betty, what an awful situation. It sounds to me as if you're going to need advice from some person or persons versed in this type of thing. I don't know if the hospital you go to has social workers, but ours usually do, who might come up with some ideas to help you deal with the psychological, non-medical issues here. Maybe you personally (not with him) might benefit from some counseling. Not that there's anything wrong with you -- it's the situation. How to handle the situation. The hospitals and convalescent facilities have got to be familiar with this type of thing; it can't be that uncommon. But how dreadful for you!

I can relate somewhat because a couple of years ago my husband had open heart surgery, and as we were warned was possible he suffered from hallucinations and severe personality change for awhile after that. I said the same thing you did: Where is the man I married???? I also started wondering how much I was going to be able to stand, not being all that stable anyway, and I felt guilty about it. Luckily for us he recovered mentally and physically over time and things got back to normal, but if he hadn't....

Anyway, Kaiser, where he had the surgery, was extremely helpful and concerned about all aspects of his recovery, and also about me, how I was handling it. I can't believe your local medical community wouldn't have something to offer you as you try to cope.

Very best wishes....
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Default May 10, 2019 at 07:15 PM
  #9
Yeah.maybe I do need to seek some kind of support/guidance for myself. He has stopped all his treatment and refuses to follow what doctors want him to do.I can't force him to do anything if he doesn't want to.

I feel like I need to save myself.I have been so depressed and think about killing myself often because of this horrible situation.It just seems so cruel to walk away from him when he clearly needs help and needs someone.But he doesn't even see anything wrong with anything he says or does.He makes excuses for himself but won't do anything he needs to in order to help himself. I am able to help myself though and maybe I need to put myself first and do that.It's just so hard though,we have been married many years and I just feel so torn.But I seriously cannot continue this way,it's too difficult and draining.And it's making my MH issues so much worse.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 07:45 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
Yeah.maybe I do need to seek some kind of support/guidance for myself. He has stopped all his treatment and refuses to follow what doctors want him to do.I can't force him to do anything if he doesn't want to.

I feel like I need to save myself.I have been so depressed and think about killing myself often because of this horrible situation.It just seems so cruel to walk away from him when he clearly needs help and needs someone.But he doesn't even see anything wrong with anything he says or does.He makes excuses for himself but won't do anything he needs to in order to help himself. I am able to help myself though and maybe I need to put myself first and do that.It's just so hard though,we have been married many years and I just feel so torn.But I seriously cannot continue this way,it's too difficult and draining.And it's making my MH issues so much worse.
Oh Betty, thank you for sharing such a painful truth. You have my empathy. It sounds like your husband may have had some changes to his frontal lobe function...the frontal lobes are involved in impulse control and judgment. That could possibly explain the behavioral changes and the sudden withdrawal of money and not understanding why you would find that problematic. People with frontal lobe problems can often present as curt, rude, or even aggressive (physically and/or verbally.)

You have done your best. You tried to help him but you couldn't. He doesn't have awareness of his deficits (many with that type of brain damage don't...it's part of the problem) therefore he doesn't see any need for help. If someone told you today that you need to go to physical therapy to learn how to walk, you'd think they were crazy or rude, right? Because you are sure that you know how to walk and walk perfectly well. That's another way to think about the disconnect with your husband. He is sure that nothing has changed.

People do divorce for reasons like this and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is up to each individual to determine what is healthiest for him/her. Each person decides what they can and cannot tolerate in life and nobody has a right to judge them for that. As you said, the person you married and built a life with no longer seems present...is no longer able to be present. It's not his fault. And it's not your fault. And it is terribly sad and painful. That said, your priority must be your mental wellness and health. Please do not wish your life away. If divorce, or even a trial separation seems like a healthier option to you, then you have my support. Though of course the only person who can make that decision is yourself. Have you talked openly about your feelings with a therapist? Wouldn't that be cathartic and comforting? Perhaps?

Another thought....is it possible that your husband would have more awareness that he does in fact have a problem if you left him? Would he be more likely to listen to the docs and take the meds or do the cognitive therapy etc? I wonder. I cannot answer that. Nobody can make a prediction like that but it is something to think about.

This may be helpful for you to know. I realize your husband had TIAs rather than a TBI (traumatic brain injury) but his brain has certainly undergone changes. Well, on average, adults with a new TBI will leave or be fired from approximately 5 jobs before beginning to develop awareness that they have a problem....they may swear at the boss or not show up on time or experience a whole host of other cognitive and behavioral problems but because the brain is impaired the dots don't connect until things seemingly get worse in their external world. A simple understanding of cause and effect can become extremely difficult or even impossible for someone with brain damage. I don't know if that helps you but I think it's an important piece of info. Someone with zero awareness of a deficit cannot and will not respond to intervention no matter how badly they need it. And a wife unfortunately cannot suddenly create awareness for her cognitively impaired husband no matter how badly she may want to.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future whatever you decide to do. Your present does not have to be your future. And there is no shame in wanting to feel safe and well and happy. Please remember that. You DESERVE a peaceful and happy life.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 08:03 PM
  #11
Thanks SilverTrees.I am typing this with tears streaming down my face. Reading "And it is terribly sad and painful" got to me.It is so extremely sad and painful,more than anyone around me in real life can comprehend.Actually it feels like more than I can comprehend myself.

I have honestly thought about having a small memorial service for my husband as a way to accept and let go of who he used to be.That probably sounds horrible and morbid but that's how I feel.I was thinking if I could some how let go of who he used to be I could tolerate and accept who he is now and it might be easier. I'm obviously lost and confused right?

No,I haven't talked with a therapist,yet.But I really do think I need to.I don't want to die I just want this pain to stop.I don't really want to kill myself i just want a solution.

Thanks for what you said about TBi's.That was helpful.And also what you said about the frontal lobe.That would explain his violent rages and tantrums he has now.I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time trying so hard to not set him off yet not knowing wat will set him off.I changed the channel on the TV one day,he was not anywhere near it,and he picked up the sweeper and threw it against the wall because I had.He has become violent and has left bruises on me a few times.

Thanks for your kind words.They have helped.I just wish I could wave a magic wand and he would have awareness.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 08:06 PM
  #12
Just a personal note I would like to add. I live with chronic depression...ever since childhood. Therapy has helped but it's not a cure of course and meds do not work for me at all. I no longer take them. It's not the same situation as you and your husband; I am cognitively intact but I want to mention. My partner is aware of my depression. Sometimes it is much more severe than others. I do my best but I often struggle. If my partner told me that he wanted to leave (we live together) because he wanted to be alone or to have the chance to partner with someone who does not have chronic depression, I would support him 100% and wish him peace. It's up to him whether he can tolerate my difficulties. I cannot determine that for him. I just wanted to share that truth from a place of care and regard for you.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
Thanks SilverTrees.I am typing this with tears streaming down my face. Reading "And it is terribly sad and painful" got to me.It is so extremely sad and painful,more than anyone around me in real life can comprehend.Actually it feels like more than I can comprehend myself.

I have honestly thought about having a small memorial service for my husband as a way to accept and let go of who he used to be.That probably sounds horrible and morbid but that's how I feel.I was thinking if I could some how let go of who he used to be I could tolerate and accept who he is now and it might be easier. I'm obviously lost and confused right?

No,I haven't talked with a therapist,yet.But I really do think I need to.I don't want to die I just want this pain to stop.I don't really want to kill myself i just want a solution.

Thanks for what you said about TBi's.That was helpful.And also what you said about the frontal lobe.That would explain his violent rages and tantrums he has now.I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time trying so hard to not set him off yet not knowing wat will set him off.I changed the channel on the TV one day,he was not anywhere near it,and he picked up the sweeper and threw it against the wall because I had.He has become violent and has left bruises on me a few times.

Thanks for your kind words.They have helped.I just wish I could wave a magic wand and he would have awareness.
What you are describing sounds very much like frontal lobe impairment. It can indeed cause a person to be violent though that of course does not help you. What could help you though is to have training from a professional on how to avoid triggering him and how to de-escalate him when necessary. By that I do NOT mean that this is your fault in any way. But there are folks out there with a great deal of insight into how this brain damage affects a partner and a home life. Your husband will not talk to them. That is clear. But you can. You can consult with a neuropsychologist, psychiatrist, or medical speech-language pathologist....give them all of your examples from the breakdown at home and see what they advise. This will not be new or shocking to them.

Your memorial service idea actually does not sound bad at all. Provided your husband would not find out, and you have some understanding participants, I think you need to explore whatever options bring you any solace.

No wonder you are crying as you write about this Betty. You are in your own version of hell at this point. I imagine it is a very lonely sort of hell. But always remember that help is available to those who seek it. Your husband is not seeking it. But you can for yourself. Take good care.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 08:16 PM
  #14
Sometimes

Sometimes things don't go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail,
sometimes a person aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war;
elect an honest person, decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some people become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best efforts do not go
amiss, sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you.


- Sheenagh Pugh

May it happen for you Betty

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Default May 10, 2019 at 08:55 PM
  #15
"I just wish I could wave a magic wand and he would have awareness"

I wish I had such a magic wand and I would send it to you immediately Betty. I hope that the care and connection from others on PC will help you to feel less alone and renew some hope.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 09:32 PM
  #16
Thanks so much,seriously.I was so afraid to share my thoughts and feelings about it and now I'm glad I did.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 09:47 PM
  #17
You are very welcome. I am a big believer in sharing thoughts and feelings in a safe space. I have noticed that my depression gets much worse when I don't feel that I can talk about it with anyone. I hope you know that you have also helped me today. I value the connection and will continue to think of you and wish you well.
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Default May 10, 2019 at 11:26 PM
  #18
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Originally Posted by Betty_Banana View Post
Thanks so much,seriously.I was so afraid to share my thoughts and feelings about it and now I'm glad I did.
Betty B...I am so glad that you have so bravely shared this. My first thought was that it is vital for YOU to get help first...to sort out some of these things and fully vent/purge out the effect it has on you. No holding back. It's exhausting to be a caregiver in any capacity for a partner and even more exhausting if the caregiver also struggles with their own challenges.

Trees is right on point. Some of this might be "outside of his control" due to the brain changes. This still does not excuse his behavior OR dismiss how you feel as a result of it.

We want you to stay alive and be as safe and happy and protected as possible. You really can't change him right now (or ever) and with brain injury it could get worse or better. That is a lot of unknowns. I recall your post about situational depression. OF COURSE you've been(even more) depressed as a result.

Do your ceremony. Rally some battle buddies. Create some forcefields of protection around you. There will be times when mistreatment might roll off your back, and other times when it might cause you to explode. Let it. You are not wrong or bad or responsible for everything.

Please continue to share.

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Default May 11, 2019 at 02:53 PM
  #19
Thanks everyone.I actually feel much better today about the whole thing.Writing it out here has helped.I felt so stuck,alone and hopeless before and now I feel a little hopeful.

He still doesn't get why taking all the money out of the bank upset me but I decided to just let it go for now.I know it's not a good idea for him to be going around with that much cash on him but it's not worth arguing over right now.I'm gonna wait a few more days then say something like hey,maybe we should go deposit that money,what if this or that happened,then we would be broke and up a **** creek.Give him time to get over whatever his reasoning is for carrying it with him.

We've had a good day together so far though. I feel compassion for him rather than anger or resentment.It might be different tomorrow but just for today I'm ok.

Thanks again.
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Default May 11, 2019 at 03:22 PM
  #20
I can not speak for someone on your side of a stroke since I did not experience that, but I can try and help you maybe understand where your husband is coming from since I had a stroke last year. My stroke was in the right cerebellum and it effected my personality and my cognitive function as well, so it's not just limited to the frontal lobe like someone else said. I was told by the doctors that the type of stroke and where I had it was the rarest, but the one with the highest death rate and that I should feel extremely lucky that I was alive. For the most part, I now feel like that but I still have lasting effects from it that make me feel like I should have/wanted to die from it. I had to do 8 mths of intense PT & OT for my right arm and leg that I could not feel or use properly. Since I was only 35 when I had my stroke, and am extremely overweight, I felt that those disabilities were what people were going to notice and concentrated all of my efforts on fixing. Now that I can use and feel my right arm and leg, I have been forced to look at the cognitive damage the stroke has caused and left behind.

I can't hold a conversation like I used to and I have trouble retrieve words and putting sentences together and because of this I retreat from social situations when before the stroke I was the center of attention. When I fight with my wife I can't keep up with her train of thought or I get lost following her and I feel soooo stupid having to ask her to repeat it because I didn't understand something a 5 year old would understand. I know what I want to say and I know what point I'm trying to get across but I just can't get it out coherently enough for her to understand and when she asks for clarification I get mad and angry at her. Not because she doesn't understand it or that she didn't get it, but because I feel stupid that I can't get her to understand me when we used to understand each other so well. I'm not defending his actions, because his or mine at the time/currently are and never are acceptable, but I'm trying to tell you what I told my wife. We may seem fine on the outside, but in the inside we're a total mess. Just like you said, you feel like you have to mourn him, he has to mourn himself as well. I had to do that. I had to stop holding onto the woman I was before the stroke and work on the woman I am now. It's so hard and scary and frustrating to have spent your whole life being you to just have one event take that away from you. I was left with anger, and hatred, and fear, and in a body that didn't work and a mind that couldn't. This fear and uncertainty was what drove my anger because anger is easy and a feeling I could remember.

I dunno if that helped any, but here's what I had to do/learn. Specialist and doctors are your friend. Admitting a deficit or a weakness is not a sign of failure or being less of a human being, it's the first step in getting better, of wanting to get stronger. I had trouble with sentences, words, and communications... so I went to a speech therapist. I have trouble with reading a person's face and tell how they feel or what they are thinking... so my ST referred me to a therapists who is going to help me with the anger and the social cues that I am missing. It's scary and frustrating and lonely (even if there is someone there to help you 24/7) but it doesn't give him or me any right to take that out on someone else. It's like that old saying, we hurt the ones we love because they are the ones closest to us. I was never angry at my wife. I was never frustrated with my wife. I never wanted to hurt it in ways that I did hurt her. I was mad at the situation and I took it out on her because there was no more of me to take it out on, I have already torn myself up and down as far as I could go. Again, it is not right and it is not fair, but that is what happened with me and what I've read and hear from other caregivers and stroke victims.

That being said, you need to take care of yourself as well. There are groups locally, online, and on facebook for caregivers where you could talk to others, getting advice and venting to someone who understands. Go see a therapist yourself because I do think you have to mourn your husband and your marriage and figure out if you want to fight to build a new life and marriage. You need to make sure you are taken care of and healthy before you can continue to worry about him. Caregivers too often get sucked into caring for their loved ones that they forget to take care of themselves before it is too late. I'm a big supporter of fighting and doing everything to save your marriage, but there does come a time where you need to step away and maybe that will be the time your husband sees that you are serious and that he needs to do something to fix it. I know before I was diagnosed with bipolar the only reason I sought help was because my wife gave me the whole "go see a doctor or I'm leaving" thing. I'll be honest, I hated her for it. I hated her for trying to change me. I hated her for not letting me have my fun. But the chance of losing her was worse. In the end, it got me to a doctor and it got me the help I needed. Sometimes people just need that fear and threat to change.

So... I think I've rambled enough and I dunno if it even helps or makes sense. But I do hope you take care of yourself and you can work something out.

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My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.