advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
dannypk16
Member
 
dannypk16's Avatar
dannypk16 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: Spain
Posts: 44
5 yr Member
Trig May 11, 2019 at 03:31 PM
  #1
Imagine you're a kid, you like sports and are good at them, you're smart and creative, you're kind and love to help others, you love your family and anyone who's around you.

But no one makes you feel useful and beloved. Instead, they criticise you. You're still a kid, you don't worry that much about it because you don't quite still understand things like relationships and love.

Then you grow up, you don't like sports anymore because everyone has made you believe you're not good enough. Your marks at school decrease and you're addicted to the Internet, you no longer like going outside. You become irresponsible and start becoming a misanthrope at a young age. People keep criticising you, even more, and you start feeling tired of your family and friends.

Now you're a teenager, you've developed a strong desire for freedom, you hate authority because you feel powerless, you keep hating people and they even irritate you. You try to be popular by faking a new personality, something you're not, just to be normal. You learn how people act, their weaknesses and their strengths, you mimic them and start caring only for yourself.

As years pass by, you've been feeling day by day more disappointed by people. You develope a sadistic personality, mixed with misanthropy and antisocial traits. You just want to make people suffer, you want to kill, especially those who hurted you. You dream of killing your family, your friends, random people, animals, anything. You stopped wearing your mask and started being a total jerk to everyone. You've become a nihilist because you feel there's no way of enjoying life any other way.

You finally find someone who seems to love you, and you love her too (not in a romantic way). She listens to you, she values you, she tells you nice things, but one day you start joking with her, she gets angry for something she's done before and you can only think about how she's just a hypocrite who doesn't deserve your love or attention, you start thinking of harming and killing her, you don't care, you're hurted, you want to make her pay.

This is my history. I can't have a good relationship with anyone, it's too much for me to handle. I want someone who just wants to have fun, with no feelings and sympathy in between, just someone to have fun with. And apparently, the only people who you could have fun with are people who will surely harm you. What's the point of being around people and trying to help them? Why even bother listening to them and trying to have friends? Why should I be kind? I tried, and I failed everytime, it all seems so hopeless now that I've lost my only source of "hope for humanity".
dannypk16 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
Anonymous48672
Guest
Anonymous48672 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 11, 2019 at 03:59 PM
  #2
Sorry to hear you're feeling this way dannypk16. I hope you pursue an MFA in Writing in Spain if you aren't already b/c you're writing is fantastic. I know that's off topic from your post, but I had to point that out b/c rarely do I come across such great writing style as yours. Could easily be the introduction to a memoir, a mystery, or a film script. Or, a philosophy PhD.

But, back to your post.

I see examples of distorted thinking within your writing that can create cyclical distorted thinking, "I can't have a good relationship with anyone," and "I failed every time," and "it all seems so hopeless."

Since you are young, you essentially have your whole life ahead of you to sort out this melancholy. I haven't read your past threads before responding, so I don't know if your family of origin is abusive either emotionally or physically. But, if your family of origin was emotionally neglectful to you, it makes sense then, how disconnected you feel to other people. Have you been diagnosed yet by a psychiatrist with a personality disorder, or are you assuming that you have a sadistic personality mixed with misanthropy and antisocial traits?

Interesting how you mention that your ex-girlfriend was your "source" because narcissists use people as their "source" of emotional energy. Is that how you perceived her role in your life?

How can we help you here at PC? What kind of relationships would you like to develop with people? Do you have friendships? Are you just upset about this breakup? If so, I can understand. Breakups stink. They are very stressful to process emotionally at first and the only healer is time itself. The farther away you get from the breakup you eventually feel less emotional pain.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
dannypk16
Member
 
dannypk16's Avatar
dannypk16 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: Spain
Posts: 44
5 yr Member
Default May 11, 2019 at 04:26 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
Sorry to hear you're feeling this way dannypk16. I hope you pursue an MFA in Writing in Spain if you aren't already b/c you're writing is fantastic. I know that's off topic from your post, but I had to point that out b/c rarely do I come across such great writing style as yours. Could easily be the introduction to a memoir, a mystery, or a film script. Or, a philosophy PhD.

But, back to your post.

I see examples of distorted thinking within your writing that can create cyclical distorted thinking, "I can't have a good relationship with anyone," and "I failed every time," and "it all seems so hopeless."

Since you are young, you essentially have your whole life ahead of you to sort out this melancholy. I haven't read your past threads before responding, so I don't know if your family of origin is abusive either emotionally or physically. But, if your family of origin was emotionally neglectful to you, it makes sense then, how disconnected you feel to other people. Have you been diagnosed yet by a psychiatrist with a personality disorder, or are you assuming that you have a sadistic personality mixed with misanthropy and antisocial traits?

Interesting how you mention that your ex-girlfriend was your "source" because narcissists use people as their "source" of emotional energy. Is that how you perceived her role in your life?

How can we help you here at PC? What kind of relationships would you like to develop with people? Do you have friendships? Are you just upset about this breakup? If so, I can understand. Breakups stink. They are very stressful to process emotionally at first and the only healer is time itself. The farther away you get from the breakup you eventually feel less emotional pain.
Thanks, I've always been interested in writing stories, poems, music lyrics and such, so it's natural for me to write this way when I'm explaining something, especially something personal.

My family isn't abusive at all, but they've made me feel useless and they always think they're right, I have no voice and I can't have privacy, they've got to know everything I do and think, which has ledt me to believe lying is safer than telling the truth, just because of my family.

I assume, I don't want to get diagnosed or talk to a therapist at all. I don't think I need to spend years feeling uncomfortable telling someone I barely know about my dark thoughts to get a diagnosis, medication or simple solutions that aren't really solutions, I'm pretty skeptic with that. It's enough by knowing that I feel a strong desire for hurting other people (especially emotionally), that everyone irritates me no matter what they do or say and that I care for no one and I have little empathy., labels play no role here.

That friend I mentioned isn't, and hasn't ever been, my girlfriend. That's why I said we loved each other, but not in a romantic way. I can't deny the fact I mostly used her to get compliments and emotional help, mostly because I couldn't do much more with her. I find it hard to think that's related to narcissism, anyway.

I'd say I want to have friends, but I'm starting to not want to have friends, I'd like to be left alone in order to people not hurt me. I'm becoming more paranoid and I sometimes even think someone is trying to harm me or get something from me, but I don't perceive it as a big issue, probably because of my inability to experience much anxiety. I do have "friends", but I have no feelings towards them, they're just like tools of entertainment for me and nothing more. I can't really trust in anyone enough to talk about all my problems and thoughts too openly. I'm feeling more disappointed and angry than any other thing right now.
dannypk16 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:11 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.