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Confused May 12, 2019 at 06:44 AM
  #1
Am I being unreasonable here?

My partner is best man for his mate's wedding in just 3weeks. Friend hasn't even sent or given partner an invite. They've also expected partner to have free use of my car whenever so he could try on clothing, and then to attend the wedding which is 5hrs away and partner will be gone 2nights (they've organised and paid for his accommodation).

Now, when they first had a rough idea of their wedding date, partner and I were separated (pretty sure partner is autistic 'cause his communication is even worse than mine, which has caused a lot of issues for us).

By the time friend had decided on a date, or at least told partner, we were back together and trying to work on things, which this friend knew.

They have not invited my son and I, but have expected me to go out of my way for their wedding.

Not only am I really hurt by being excluded again (it's been a pattern with partner's friends for almost 7yrs and partner just sits by and says nothing), but I'm incredibly angry at the expectation that partner can just take my car whenever these friends want him to for THEIR wedding, which I'm not even invited to.

My psychologist said straight away that they're being rude and, while she didn't say anything about partner, she certainly seemed to be very appalled by his just sitting by and saying nothing. But partner has no issue with any of this and just keeps falling back on "we were separated when they started organising it".

I honestly have no idea what to think anymore. Am I being unreasonable in expecting partner to say something?

Also, since typing all this up I've found out that the friend deliberately didn't invite me. Everyone else has received their invitations and this friend has removed partner's choice as to whether he wants a plus one.
They also paid for and organised partner's accommodation for two nights without ever speaking to him about it, they've just made arrangements and expected that he'll be fine with it.
They've also since made travel arrangements as my car isn't even driveable now, but if it were I've made it very clear to partner that he will absolutely not have use of it.

I'm now at a point where I don't want partner to attend but if I ask him not to go then I'm doing exactly what an ex friend of his claims I've done (I haven't, I've repeatedly tried to get partner to organise things but he just won't)- keeping him from his friends. But it also feels like his friends are pushing me into this corner where I'm the bad guy, no matter what.

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Default May 12, 2019 at 09:08 AM
  #2
Is this the same guy you were marrying few years back? Or is it a new guy?

If I was invited to a wedding and invitation wouldn’t include my husband, I’d not go. And I would be shocked if my husband went to a wedding if I wasn’t invited. I wouldn’t stay with him. Even if you two aren’t married, invitation should say plus one and you should be able to attend.

I’d not worry about what his friends do or think. You have no control over it. But you have control over your own life. Particularly control over who you are in a relationship with. If after years of being with a person you are still not fully his partner and can’t even attend events with him I’d say it’s time to move on. I’d feel he doesn’t value you. If he doesn’t value you, why would his friends?
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Default May 12, 2019 at 09:25 AM
  #3
I am sorry that you are facing a challenge where YOUR boundaries are not being respected. It sounds like your partner doesn't understand boundaries and ends up allowing others to plan your partner's life for him and at their wim.

Quote:
Now, when they first had a rough idea of their wedding date, partner and I were separated (pretty sure partner is autistic 'cause his communication is even worse than mine, which has caused a lot of issues for us).
This could be why your partner doesn't understand boundaries and tends to be dependent on others to organize and do FOR him including you now that you are back together. As far as you not being invited to this wedding, that is probably due to your partner's friend not knowing if your partnership is solid and not wanting to include you because they simply don't know if you are going to stay in a relationship with their friend or not. Also, this friend probably doesn't know that your partner tends to be dependent on you when you are together. People often are not really aware of the true dynamics of a relationship. In this case these "friends" are just trying to figure out how to do a wedding and probably don't know the etiquette. While you are back together, that could change and they don't really know YOU that well and are just trying to include him as a friend.
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Default May 12, 2019 at 09:49 AM
  #4
Yes, same guy. We've been through a lot- finding out my son is autistic, I have my final appointment this week to find out if I fit the criteria for autism (there's absolutely no doubt I am, but as a woman there's a chance I won't fit in the diagnostic box), and later in the year partner is going to get an assessment for himself too. We're also pretty sure he has alexithymia as he's always struggled with emotions.

Partner has never received an actual invitation! Friend's response yesterday, when partner asked if he hadn't been given one because they don't want me there, was that he's been meaning to hand it to partner but because we've been working through things I wasn't invited. Which really sounds like they never wanted me there at all because why would you not give him the choice? Why would you not give an invite with "plus one" before the RSVP date, or just ask outright, unless you were actively excluding a person? Because every other person has received their invite.

I have told partner that this is 100% breaking point for me. If he won't say anything I don't want to keep trying, but I don't think just saying something is enough anymore. If any of my friends did this I wouldn't hesitate to tell them that either we're both able and welcome to attend, or I wouldn't be there.

But then, is asking him not to go crossing a line?

I'm so bloody confused by the whole thing!

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Default May 12, 2019 at 10:08 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
As far as you not being invited to this wedding, that is probably due to your partner's friend not knowing if your partnership is solid and not wanting to include you because they simply don't know if you are going to stay in a relationship with their friend or not. Also, this friend probably doesn't know that your partner tends to be dependent on you when you are together. People often are not really aware of the true dynamics of a relationship. In this case these "friends" are just trying to figure out how to do a wedding and probably don't know the etiquette. While you are back together, that could change and they don't really know YOU that well and are just trying to include him as a friend.
The thing is, we've been together for almost 7yrs now, with the exception of a few months break recently, while still living together and raising a child (my son calls him dad). And even if they are unsure, why would you not actually give an invite with a plus one or just ask?
Literally every other person has received their invite and I know this friend has our address, they asked for it last year. Both the bride and groom are also in very high level jobs so attention to detail is a huge thing for them- this is not something that would be an oversight with them. It also seems very convenient that they booked and paid for partners accommodation and only told him after the fact and STILL haven't given him an actual invitation. He literally does not know where it will be or what time anything is happening, just the date and the town.

I know I suck at understanding people, but it all just seems to convenient for this to be just a misunderstanding. Partner is going to tell his friend tomorrow that he actually wants me there, but I'm not sure that'll make any difference.
I really do hope I'm just over analysing everything, but there's just so much that doesn't fit.

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Default May 12, 2019 at 10:14 AM
  #6
I don’t know what you mean by you crossing a line.
Think your boyfriend crossed a line by even considering going without you. It’s not like you two just met and you are a casual girlfriend.

You keep focusing on his friends. Who knows what’s their agenda. Could be that your partner shares with them too much like telling them bad things about you and that’s why they don’t want you there. I’d not blame them as they owe you nothing. I’d focus on him. He is in the wrong by not addressing it

Do you depend on him? Is he a good partner overall?
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Default May 12, 2019 at 10:17 AM
  #7
Well, given both you and your partner have challenges, it's understandable that you feel confused. My suggestion is not to give this wedding thing so much importance that it ruins your relationship with your partner. It's not the end of the world if neither you or your partner go to this wedding either.
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Default May 12, 2019 at 10:38 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
You keep focusing on his friends. Who knows what’s their agenda. Could be that your partner shares with them too much like telling them bad things about you and that’s why they don’t want you there. I’d not blame them as they owe you nothing. I’d focus on him. He is in the wrong by not addressing it

Do you depend on him? Is he a good partner overall?
In the past his communication difficulties have been a very big problem- he still misunderstands things I say, and vice versa, and he used to try and talk through things with other, now ex, friends.
When partner posted about it earlier this year those friends showed their true colours and abused us both, and partner has since cut ties with a lot of them as a result.
The abuse from one of them in particular has been so bad that my psychologist has been doing EMDR therapy with me over it.
That ex-friend has also convinced a lot of other ex-friends that I've stopped partner from seeing them and they won't believe him when he tells them I've actually pushed him to contact them.
So it's really hard not to think about his friends because I don't want partner to lose anyone else, even if it is because he stands up for me.

Besides our ridiculously frustrating communication issues he's great! It's taken us a long time but we're finally figuring out what we're both able to do and how (we also suspect he has ADHD as he struggles to do things without constant reminders due to getting distracted), and things have been steadily improving between us.

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Default May 12, 2019 at 04:24 PM
  #9
I understand what you mean, Foreign_Soul, and I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given PLENTY of great, kind, wise and WONDERFUL ADVICE ON THIS THREAD! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly CAN if you want to! I'm not sure if you should ask your partner not to go, but it's clear that this "friend" is truly not respecting your boundaries! I do believe it's not very kind of your partner to just sit there and do or say nothing about ANY OF THIS! I do believe you need to seriously talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there if you haven't already! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! You're NOT the bad guy in ALL OF THIS! You're just asking for RESPECT and that's totally valid and you have every right to get it and to have your boundaries respected! I hope you'll AT LEAST be able to work things out with your husband one way or another! Like divine1966 has already wisely said better than I ever could, i wouldn't worry too much about what his "friends" think! Like Open Eyes has already wisely said better than I ever could, perhaps your partner just doesn't have a strong sense of BOUNDARIES either since it seems like his BOUNDARIES aren't being respected that much either in my opinion! Please do talk to him about it if you haven't already, ok? I hope you'll BOTH be able to work things out! Please keep us updated as much as you possibly CAN if you want to, ok? We do want to know how things are going for you and if things are getting ANY better for BOTH OF YOU! Just let us know if we can do ANYTHING AT ALL TO HELP YOU, OK? WE'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU AND WE'LL NEVER ABANDON YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMEBR ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK WITH ALL OF THIS! Let us know how it goes, ok? Sending many hugs to BOTH YOU AND YOUR PARTNER, Foreign_Soul! Please remember that you're NOT the "bad guy" and that you're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON!
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Default May 12, 2019 at 05:05 PM
  #10
Hello Foreign_Soul,

what a stressful and confusing situation! Sorry you are having these struggles. Thank you for sharing your truth! I've been in a similar though not identical situation. My partner and I have been together for years. We live together but are not married. We have no plans to marry; our own choice. Anyway, his cousin invited him to his wedding and the invitation made it clear that he could not have a plus one. My partner was not okay with this and called his cousin. He explained that he has a serious partner although we are not married so he would expect to bring me to the wedding just as a husband would bring his wife. His cousin refused to open up the invitation to me. He said their budget was limited and only married people could have a plus one in order to bring their spouse.

Here's another recent example. One of my female friends was getting married. She invited me and my partner. However, my other female friend is single and did not receive a plus one. She was offended and I completely understand and respect her point of view. Why should I get a plus one and she doesn't simply because she was not in a long-term relationship. Why couldn't she bring a date? Realistically, how many people want to go to a wedding with 300 guests on their own?? And if you can afford 300 guests, you can afford plus ones for all. If not, trim back the number and allow the plus one for all. To me, it is very rude and disrespectful to pick and choose who gets a plus one and who does not, or that spouses can bring their SO but long-term couples who live together cannot. Though I will tell you, where I live these rude practices around weddings are VERY common so I do not take them personally and cannot control them.

My partner went to the wedding without me. He was in a tough spot and I let it go. No big deal. I didn't lose sleep over it though I was not impressed by the bride and groom's choices. As for the other wedding, my single female friend vented her frustration about her zero plus one to me but did not wish to discuss with our friend the bride. So my partner and I made a fuss over our single friend, invited her to our home for a snack and a drink prior to the wedding...we shared an Uber there and sat at the same table together. It worked out okay. But I really think the hierarchical notion that married guests are most important, partnered unmarried guests are next, and single guests are least important is completely messed up. All adults should have a plus one. That is the polite and respectful way to invite people to one's wedding. And the plus one should be determined by the guest, not the bride and groom. If someone is so worried about budget or a deeply intimate setting with only people they know really well, they need to organize a small wedding with immediate family and lifelong friends only. A wedding of 300 guests is not intimate, no way no how. When brides and grooms start trying to evaluate who is a worthy partner for a plus one and who is not, well obviously they are skating on thin ice. My overall view of weddings (not marriage) is that they are typically ridiculous displays of exhibitionism, materialism, or wealth which have very little or nothing to do with marriage and togetherness. That explains why respect and decorum, on the part of the bride and groom, often seem to fly out the window whereas great attention is paid to registries (demands for gifts) and cakes and flowers etc.

As for you ForeignSoul, I would not spend too much time thinking about the wedding issue though I certainly understand your hurt and confusion. Instead, I would recommend couples therapy for yourself and your partner to address general themes of communication and mutual support etc.

I wish you and your family peace, hope, and a bright future!

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 12, 2019 at 05:39 PM..
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Default May 12, 2019 at 05:23 PM
  #11
You're being shown where you stand. Pay attention to it and frankly, I'd rather be alone.
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Default May 12, 2019 at 06:23 PM
  #12
This is truly a sad situation. You havent been able to make friends with these people in seven years, and now its like they are punishing you for that by excluding you from the groups celebrations. I wonder if there is any way to start over, to start fresh, using this time as a new beginning with these people? Would you even want to be friends with them going forward from here? How would things have to change, on both sides?
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Default May 17, 2019 at 10:35 PM
  #13
Well, friends now won't give ceremony and reception details so we can't organise times for partner and son to call each other. Apparently they're "playing it by ear" which, having actually begun to plan a wedding myself, is the biggest load of bollocks I've ever heard.
But this is now a safety issue.
The last time partner was away and I was unable to give him details of at least roughly where partner was, when he'd be home, or when we could call, son had such a huge meltdown that I had to tell partner to get home ASAP and almost had to call an ambulance to sedate son (literally had my phone in my hand, dialing emergency, as partner messaged saying he was 15mins away).
Given partner will be in a different state, 4-5hrs away, I'm facing the very real possibility of us ending up in hospital, all because these people don't want to give details which every other damn person has.

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Default May 18, 2019 at 03:59 AM
  #14
From what others have said, these relationship issues have been going on for a while. I think its ridiculous that you are not going and even worse that he is, and that he is ok with his friends treating you this way. I wouldnt stand for it. If his son has these issues and he still goes without any details and leaves it in your lap to me thats like child neglect and further demonstrates why you do not belong in a relationship with him. If you do not do something about it you will be making a choice to continue in an unhealthy relationship where you and your son are not a priority.

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Default May 18, 2019 at 05:51 AM
  #15
Is your son, his son too? And to leave you stranded with your child without transportation seems short sighted. I understand budgets around weddings and such but um this is bizarre to me. It's great for him to have the honor of best man, but can't he find another way there? You need that for you and your child.
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Default May 18, 2019 at 07:12 AM
  #16
From my understanding your son isn’t your partners but is treated as his. It’s very nice. But does your son have some type of severe abandonment issues or something else? Going by what you posted he must be around 13-14 now. You worry he’d have a meltdown if father isn’t home? I apologize if you already shared what causes these meltdowns.

Personally I don’t give anyone my car. He can rent a car. Don’t give him the key
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Default May 18, 2019 at 09:43 AM
  #17
My son is autistic and has separation anxiety. He also doesn't cope with change at all, which is why we need to sort all this out in advance. Partner and son are very close (bio dad isn't around at all and never has been)- son calls him dad. As son is almost 13 I can't do anything but call an ambulance if he has a meltdown and becomes physical, which is the last thing I want to do.
Partner has already discussed transport with his friend as I made it very clear that my car is off limits, although partner never assumed he'd have use of it, it was all his friend's assumption. It's not even driveable now anyway (I hit a kangaroo and the car may be a complete write off) but I'm still incredibly pissed off that his friend has been so completely inconsiderate of any of us.

Partner is trying to get information but his friend just keeps coming up with reasons why he doesn't have the info or can't give it, and it all just seems like a bunch of excuses.
Despite how rude the friend has been I do actually want partner to go; this is his best friend's wedding! But I cannot ignore the effect partner being gone for 2nights/3days will have on my son, and the very real safety issue that then becomes if we can't plan as much as possible. And I really don't think telling someone what time your ceremony and reception are is that big an ask, that info is typically included on an invitation anyway! Partner has even said he needs to organise times to call son and that we don't want to interrupt their wedding, but still just a "we're playing it by ear". So how exactly is everyone else supposed to know where to be and when? 🤔

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Default May 18, 2019 at 10:30 AM
  #18
Is your son working with a professional on some strategies? It’s not always realistic to expect adults never living the house. Or not knowing exact schedule. It’s just 3 days. I
Do understand what struggles people with ASD might face.

Saying that your partner shouldn’t take you car. He should rent one. If he cannot afford it he shouldn’t go to the wedding.
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Default May 18, 2019 at 12:17 PM
  #19
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It’s not always realistic to expect adults never living the house. Or not knowing exact schedule. It’s just 3 days.
The thing is it's a wedding. The celebrant has to be booked for a certain time, the reception venue will be booked for a certain time, food will be set for certain times.

It is entirely realistic to expect to be given ceremony and reception times, regardless of the overall situation. Otherwise how is anyone supposed to know what time they need to be at the venue?
This is literally information that EVERYONE is given when you invite them to a wedding.

Both partner and I are full time carers for my son (partner can't work yet due to previous workplace injury) so 3days is a LOT. I am never away for more than a few hours and partner rarely goes anywhere (not through lack of me trying), so this is really big for son and every professional we have involved has said to set times for phone calls and stick to them, to let son know when partner will be leaving and when he'll be home, and for partner to let us know immediately if anything changes. I know that son doesn't quite need that level of strict planning, but knowing what time the ceremony and reception are means we can plan ahead for even just 5mins to call between them (because the bride and groom will likely have photos without the bridal party at some point), or a short call before everything begins or during the reception. But we cannot even plan one single call because we don't know what time the bridal party will even be getting ready.

And again, what we're asking for is basic information which every wedding guest is given, not any special favours but basic wedding information so we don't interrupt their day.

Partner is getting a lift there and back but even that is an unknown. It's not unreasonable to expect someone to communicate with you about this stuff, especially when there's kids involved.
Partner is feeling incredibly left out and like he's just an afterthought in all this now. 😞

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Default May 18, 2019 at 12:47 PM
  #20
Foreign_Soul, why not turn this into a weekend away together? You could go with your partner to the other state and bring your son. That way the three of you are together. You, your son, and your partner can get a hotel room together. Then, the next morning, your partner goes to his best friend's wedding ceremony, which means you and your son can leave your hotel and go explore the city with some planned sight seeing activities.

Then, once your partner is finished with the wedding ceremony, can meet up with you and your son, and then decide if your partner will go to the wedding reception, or spend the rest of the weekend with you and your son sight seeing.

Make it a fun family trip. This is the only realistic solution I see for you, aside from barring your partner from attending his best friend's wedding or breaking up with your partner of 7 years b/c his friends are total jerks for not inviting you and your son as your partner's plus one.

Or, you stay home with your son, and plan for a friend, relative or one of your son's aids to stay with you over the weekend that your partner will be gone, to help you care for your son while your partner is away. And, have your partner call your son while he can, and work around the unknown-time factor since your partner's friends won't accommodate your partner with the wedding ceremony and wedding reception time or venue information, which is very odd.
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My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.