When a narcissist ex-friend hoovers

I told my lifelong friend but now ex-friend I didn't want to email anymore. I am having her emails immediately routed to the trash file. I haven't blocked her completely but I am staying No Contact and not responding to any of her attempts to communicate.


I haven't blocked her on Facebook because I don't want a bunch of drama and because I don't go on there that often.

But in the past week she's been posting "likes" on my timeline as if nothing happened.

Today she also sent a Happy Mother's Day greeting to me via email


The point is...we had an exchange of harsh emails that I felt ended the friendship -- as I finally decided I can't take this decades-long abuse any more. It is no longer a friendship of value to me. It seems false and now I feel she is probably a covert narcissist.

It has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety. I don't think that is the role friends should have in one's life.

I guess I think she is a covert narcissist. She never admits she is wrong and never apologizes after arguments but just goes on as if nothing happened. It has caused me to have cognitive dissonance.


Today she used our childhood nicknames! She knows how to push buttons. And also always includes something about the length of time we have been friends.

She said in her email today that a decades long friendship can withstand "differences of opinion." I don't call it that. I think we said hurtful things. I apologized. She did not. Note that in this email she didn't apologize. She never never never apologizes.


I am not going to respond. Maybe she is "testing" me to see if I will still be there as her narcissistic supply in the future. I know that No Contact seems like a no brainer but ending a decades-long friendship feels painfully complicated.


Guys, it is really painful dealing with a covert narcissist.


I am staying No Contact. I just don't want to block her because I would be afraid she would retaliate with a smear campaign and frankly I can't handle that right now.

I am just staying quiet.

I came here to post about this so I would not be tempted to reply to her email. You know like to remind her I said I didn't want to email!
That's why they call it hoovering.
Like a Hoover vacuum cleaner...it sucks you right back in.



Well, geez, it was only last week I said no more emails. So it's not like she forgot.

We don't live near one another but I am taking a holiday in two weeks where I will be less than an hour from where she lives. I already told her I thought getting together would not be something I wanted to do this year.

Sorry am posting a lot about this situation but it has caused me a lot of stress.

Don't reply. IF you reply, you're giving her exactly what she wants. Attention. Don't give it to her. If you continue to hold your no contact rule, she will eventually stop. I would actually block her on FB to give her the extra hint, but that's just me. It's a constant painful reminder and. it gives her access to you, which you don't want at all. She is crossing boundaries by emailing you and liking your FB posts. But I know you don't want to deal with the fallout of blocking her, which I can understand. But it would help YOU to not feel invaded if you blocked her.

Also, try to shift your focus off of her and back onto YOU... your healing, your recovery, your love of life, all that makes you happy and fulfilled. If you have a hobby or interest, perhaps throw yourself into it. Or journal. I always find journaling to be very healing. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

It’s going on one year since I ended a friendship that started 40 years ago.

The grade school friendship beginning was a fairly healthy one. We shared fun, adventures, and loads of raucous laughter. The only thing back then was that the boys my other gf’s and I ‘dated’ (chased) didn’t want this friend around because they found her unattractive and obnoxious. So we excluded her to see these boys. But there was no friction over that.

It wasn’t until after college years that I first stopped talking to her because she’d poke jabs at me until I had enough. So we didn’t talk for maybe 6 months then, but then she’d call me and (I have now learned the term) Hoover me back in.

It was never me taking jabs at her. But if I ever did get a good one in back at her, which I honestly did in good fun, thinking it was a friendly game, she flew off the handle. She could dish it out but not take it. (I’ve now learned that sounds like a narcissist, right?)

I was with her when I met my husband. I coached her which caused her to meet her husband. All was well until she was planning her wedding while I gave birth to my first child. She gave me a gift that seemed intentionally insulting. She had also given me a birthday gift that seemed the same, while I had given her a very nice gift and made her a party. Then I cooled off to her as I had enough once again. But she would keep poking and prodding as to what was the matter until I told her how I felt about the insulting gift. She flew into a rage and did not invite me to her wedding. Again, we were no longer friends for a few years.

She called me again to Hoover me back. I now had two children and she had one. Once again we were the best of friends.

It was the same pattern of fun, the best of times, sisterly emotional support through thick and thin. But it always got to be too much to where I’d have enough of her and need to take a break and distance myself. It was either that I couldn’t go anywhere with her in public, or she’d be so intrusive and taking such jabs at me.

In public, while she is hilariously funny and our mutual friends and I like that, she goes way too far to where she is so offensive to others. I thought she’d learn how to filter herself as we aged, but she only got worse. Even though I’d ask her to lower her voice or to not verbally assault others in my presence, she’d only take it up in volume to further embarrass me. So I stopped going anywhere with her.

Then I couldn’t even just talk on the phone with her anymore. Every conversation left me feeling bad, jabs veiled as jokes constantly. Even when I called her on it and told her to knock it off, she’d just keep it coming. She’d tone herself down just enough to Hoover me back and then whammo give it to me once again.

She’d feign caring and sisterly support. I’d reluctantly confide in her, then she’d turn everything I told her against me and throw it in my face.

The final confrontation was her outright trying to run my life. She told me and told everyone she knows who knows me that I have BPD and need an intervention. I had corrected her, yet she kept on saying it, when I told her I have been to psychiatrists and I was not diagnosed with BPD, only borderline traits among other confusing and possibly incorrect diagnoses. Our mutual friend showed me the texts where she slanders me once again and also says that I lied about something I confided in them both, which was not a lie. I was never a liar and all my friends know I was never a liar.

The life-long “friendship” ended with her sending me a slew of texts that I did not answer beyond asking her to stop and that I will not have this conversation with her about how she wanted to tell me how to run my life.

And that was the last I ever heard from her. The relationship simply ended. I unfriended and blocked her on facebook. I blocked her number on my phone. But she can write me through email. She just never did. She never apologized. She actually told our mutual friend that I should rather call her to tell her that she hurt my feelings. And that was that.

What is wrong with me for having had a life long friend like that? The good times were so much fun I was willing to put up with the toxicity. It was only when it got to such a level that I drew my boundary. I didn’t really know better because my FOO is also pretty toxic. There was a lot I liked about her even though she was toxic, but just had a limit which she couldn’t respect.

I miss her and still care about her, but I won’t call her again. It’s really hurtful how she just blew me off and wouldn’t even apologize. If she had given me a simple apology for having harassed me like that and overstepped my boundaries, I’d have stayed her bff. What is wrong with ME?

Good advice.

I hope you may glean something from my post above. Please pardon that I speak about myself on your thread. It felt good to voice my experience to help anyone who struggles with toxic friends. Wishing you peace, DD.

I hope you are winning the battle and not responding to her. You know you can block her from seeing any new status updates without unfriending her or blocking her, right? She won't be able to tell you've done it unless another friend sends her a screenshot. It's definitely maddening the amount of stress these kinds of situations can cause. I hope she gets bored soon and leaves you alone!

It seems clear to me that she's trying to manipulate you, DechanDawa! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! Please try to hang on AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! Don't give in and don't reply to her AT ALL like you're already wonderfully doing! If you're temped to do it, I'd suggest to consider blocking even though I understand why you may not want to do it, but you DO need to take care of yourself first! Hang in there! We ALL know you can do this! I hope you'll be able to get away from her as soon as you can! It IS hard to deal with toxic, narcissistic people! Just ignore her and take GREAT care of yourself, ok, DechanDawa, my friend? Please take GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF! We'll ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU and WE'LL NEVER ABANDON YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Please keep us updated as much as you possibly CAN if you want to, let us know how things are going for you and take GREAT care of yourself, ok, DechanDawa, my friend? We DO want to know how things are going for you and if things are getting ANY BETTER! Sending many hugs to you, DechanDawa, my altruistic, AWESOME, generous, gentle, kind, sensible, sweet, wise and WONDERFUL friend! Please take GREAT care of yourself, DechanDawa, my friend! Thank you SO MUCH for being here with us!

Thanks so very much for sharing your story, Tish. I cannot express to you how much it helped and comforted me. Thank you so very, very much.

It sounds like you were dealing with a sometimes covert sometimes overt toxic narcissist. I have read it is like the "frog in boiling water" situation. The water is getting hotter and hotter and the frog isn't aware until suddenly it is at the boiling point. We are the frogs...and we have jumped out of the boiling water! Just in time. Good for us!

What I never asked myself about my friend is why was she always in my life when others came and went, which is natural in the life of friendships. She says it is loyalty and because we are old friends but I think not. I think she kept up a communication with me as a source of narcissistic supply.

Case in point...although she had a big wedding when still a teenager (19) and I was maid-of-honor...many years later when I got married I had a small, intimate wedding and she wasn't invited. I was good friends with another gal who was my maid-of-honor. It wasn't out of malice. I just felt we had been childhood friends and it kind of ended with high school. As adults we had less in common. It wasn't until decades later that she brought up about why didn't I invite her to my wedding. I had a small wedding...really more a simple ceremony and a celebration with a few close friends. She wasn't part of my social circle at that time. But there is always a sense of entitlement with narcissists.

The point is...I think I tried to pull away. But she always showed up again and I didn't really see what was happening. In middle adulthood she got cancer (recovered from it) but I think it was during that time that she got back in touch and started calling me frequently. (We didn't live near one another.)

I think for you...and me...the hard part comes in later years when they are still around and start to become very interfering. That's what happened to me. I think since my divorce she became more interfering, and took advantage of me being very vulnerable. She always plays on my weaknesses.

Don't beat yourself over this one, T. It is really painful. I don't think a person could understand how painful until they've gone through it.

I realize this friend and myself have had times of distancing...sometimes 10 months...or a year. But somehow she always shows up again. That's hoovering. Being sucked back in over and over.

Further complicating things is that her husband has developed a problem with booze...and she seems to be wrestling with it a bit, too. As I am clean and sober and live a very holistic life (no psych medications presently) I don't want to be involved with people who have substance abuse problems. This person is drinking on top of taking several anti-depressants...yet she insists on telling me how to run my life.

No Contact is difficult when these relationships have spanned several decades.

Thanks for this. Very much! I don't feel comfortable blocking her at this time.

Thanks. I don't feel like blocking her at this time as it may cause more drama. She lives in my hometown and near my relatives. I don't want a smear campaign. She might do it in a covert way...telling relatives she is concerned about me etc. But it would just be more vindictive as she knows I don't like my relatives to know all my business.

It sounds like I am afraid of this person.

I am, kind of. In latest emails she has shown a nasty side of her that I have never seen before. I guess that's how you know for sure that you are dealing with a narcissist.

It gets complicated when these so called friendships span decades.

I am taking care...although I could do more for myself. I do journal.

Thanks, Married Lady!!!!

Yes, I have used this FB function before with others. Actually, she rarely creates status updates. I use my FB as a forum for issues I am interested in promoting...and I also like to post creative artsy things. I get a lot of likes. So it is a matter of her looking at my stuff and posting likes. That she is doing this is proof she is a covert narcissist. She flies under the radar. I don't feel like blocking her at this time as it will cause more drama and I already have enough stress. I am just keeping to No Contact.

Oh, Tish, I was soooooooooo happy to hear from you. I was hoping you would comment. It is always good to hear from you. I always have you in my thoughts and wonder how you are doing. Over the years I have followed all your threads. I like that you really throw yourself into your comments when you feel passionate about something. I like your fire~

Thanks everyone. I think the problem with toxic narcissists is that they really zoom in on us when we are at our most vulnerable.

If you read about narcissists...that's what they do. They look for someone who is weak or vulnerable but maybe also empathic.

Why did Tisha and I have these friendships that lasted for decades with repeated hoovering? Well, I can only speak for myself...that at first the hoovering isn't really seen for what it is. I mean...they are distant...then suddenly they show up.

I think this is a good lesson for those of you who are younger than Tisha and myself. Pay attention to your friendships. Don't let "old friends" treat you poorly because they think that have to right.

It happens. It can also happen with family members, co-workers, spiritual leaders, therapist, doctors, supervisors, and mentors.

I have spent the last few years eliminating a lot of toxic people from my life.

It is lonely and maybe...it leaves one more vulnerable...to those old sticky toxic friendships.

Why relationships with repeated hovering? It takes quite a lot to cross my boundaries. The friendship was good for me even though she’d take jabs veiled as humor. When that got to be too much for me, I distanced myself. Then she’d call again and I’d give her another chance, thinking she’d changed. She wouldn’t take he jabs for a while, instead love bomb, but then the jabs would start again. So I’d distance again. I suppose the answer is I have sketchy boundaries.

Has this been the pattern over time with your friend?

Also, I don’t think she was just an abuser who did not genuinely love me. Rather, I think she was so deeply jealous of me. She really loved me but hated herself. The jabs were to take me down so she could feel better about herself. It sure does hurt, though, that she loved me, but not enough to simply apologize and respect me in order to stay my friend.

And yes, this is a pattern for me with others in my life, too.

I understand. It's terrible that you have to live in fear of that. I've been there myself with a malignant narcissist.

It is complicated with a longer-term friendship.

DO take good care of yourself... journal away. Take a bubble bath. Sing songs. Write poetry. Walk in nature. Let all that is good inside and into your soul. Breathe the fresh air. You are ridding yourself of her toxicity, which can seep into one's very soul and taint it.

the Mrs!

Just end toxic relationships, like all the psych articles say. I’m a work in progress on this. Make new friendships with non toxic people. The human spirit is amazingly resilient. I feel I am amazingly mentally healthy considering the toxic environment I’m in.

Yes, this was the pattern with my friend. It sounds odd to say I did not recognize the pattern...but for a long time I didn't know about covert narcissism. My friend initially always shows up as loving but then the jabs start. I would think, "Wow, that was rude," but I would attribute it to stress in her life, etc. I didn't see that the rudeness was actually a consistent aspect in her relating to me.

It was only after I became more educated about narcissism, and more observant about my friend that I noticed certain patterns. They include, 1) She never apologizes. Ever. 2) She says things that are actually shockingly rude, and that I would not take from someone else. 3) It's always about her drama. 4) She zones in on my weaknesses.

When I told her recently that I was tired of her always zoning in on my weaknesses but never my accomplishments she sent a nasty email saying that she "always" supports my projects, and I must be "mental" if I don't realize that.

This was the big Ahah moment for me. This was a case of gaslighting, pure and simple. Saying that I didn't remember something that didn't happen. I know she never asks about my work because it has hurt my feelings that she doesn't yet always harps on my weak areas. I have wondered if it was due to jealousy on her part. Not jealousy of my success, but jealousy that I always have projects going on. I am always involved with self-development and career development.

I am presently working on a big freelance writing project. She has never once asked, "How's the writing going," or "How's the project going?" - which is the same as asking someone how their job is going.

She always "hoovers" back...saying we may have "differences of opinion" but that she loves me blah, blah, blah. Okay, Tisha, this is HOOVERING as a way of life for her. She wants me in her life as her "oldest friend" but all the quality in the friendship has faded.I am just a "thing" -- maybe she can use the "oldest friend" thing to impress others. IDK. I really don't know. Maybe she collects people as sources of narcissistic supply. She has a huge extended family and zones in on this one and that one...but actually has very few real life friends. She mostly stays in the bubble of her family. Having said this, I will add, she has already cut off two family members. Ruthlessly cut them out of her life. Probably because they confronted her.

Finally, we don't think of "love bombing" as something that can happen with our female friends, but it does. This friend has impeccable taste and will send me beautiful cards and expensive gifts. This will be followed by a really crappy gift...something that looked liked she dragged it out of the back of a closet when cleaning. Then...followed by another beautiful gift. Very inconsistent... I have read that narcissists will do anything to keep us offguard.

It's sooooooooooooooooo complicated. We need to forgive ourselves for not seeing the patterns. The sad truth is that narcissists never, never, never change. I am probably re-enacting the same struggles I had with my father, who was a malignant narcissist. He was extraordinarily charming and successful...but behind closed doors a real sociopath. He's dead now but I just found out my nephew is having a boy baby and naming it after my father. This is insane. He never even knew my father...but such is my father's legacy in the family that family members are still sucking up to him. I would like to write my brother and say, "Why the hell is your son naming his firstborn after our b------ father? It is chilling to think that from his grave my father is still manipulating. He was a terrible father and a terrible grandfather. I guess no one told my nephew that.


This just goes to show you the nature of the beast. If we have been damaged by a parental narcissist...we go on and on attracting the same situation in order to make things right. It is really difficult to confront all this psycho junk. But I CAN see where it plays out. If one of our parents is/was a narcissist than invariably other narcissists will sneak into our life as well. But we need to remember...a vampire cannot cross our threshold...unless we give them permission. So No Contact is that barrier at the threshold.

I allow people who are emotionally unavailable and abusive into my life. Well, not anymore...but this is a very old friend. I am really still reeling with shock at all I hid from myself. Mental health requires that everything be out in the open with light shed on it.

This is a healing journey. It's good to have support.

I am not "living in fear." I just think that you can go NO CONTACT on an emotional level and that is usually enough. But I do know if I block her on social media it will really stir up the hornet's nest...and then I would have fear and stress...both things I am trying to avoid.

If I block her it will just send a message that I am upset. If I simply ignore her that's a different message, I think.

For me I think the best thing is to throw myself whole-heartedly into my work projects as that is really where I feel best.

Thanks. Hope married life is going well! The first week! So cute!

Well, this month we both have birthdays...mine a week before hers.

If she sends me a birthday card will I reciprocate?

I don't think I will even if she sends me a card.


I really hate how she just goes on...as if nothing happened. I don't see this written up much as something the narcissist does...but I have found it to be true.

They shove all the crap under the carpet. They never resolve anything.

I am pretty sure she will send me a birthday card.

I don't think I will reciprocate...for the first time in decades.

For me, I hate doing things year in and year out just out of habit. I like progress, change, re-invention.

I'm not really enjoying the whole card sending thing, anyway. I do also get ecards but I am growing tired of it.

So...if I don't send her a card she will be really hurt and I guess that will be the end of it.

But No Contact is No Contact. I must remain strong.