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duckhay
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Default May 14, 2019 at 03:45 AM
  #1
Hi everyone,

Hoping someone can give me some advice on my relationship.

My wife and I have been together for 7 years in total (1.5 years married), she is 27 and I am 30. We are best friends joined by the hip and we have always had an open, honest and committed relationship. We spend every day together and everything felt perfect until recently. Last month, she broke down and said she loves me deeply but doesn't feel in love, feels pushed away, she isn't happy and she feels confused about what she wants.

Long story short, in our discussions together I've come to understand that I have failed to uphold a fun relationship with her that includes a balance of fun, adventure, and comfortable times. We have been stuck in a rut of complacency. I often rejected offers to take time off work to have a fun adventure or two over a long weekend due to projects and priorities at work. More importantly, she also wanted to have a baby for the past 12 months but I also rejected that - our plan was to begin trying in November this year. I rejected because I wanted to ensure we were as prepared as we could possibly be financially.

In the last few days we have entered a trial break, so that she can try to determine what she wants and have some space from our marriage so she can discover herself as a person. Just to clarify, she has no interest in dating or sleeping around and I have utmost trust and faith in that. She is awquard enough meeting new people, let alone hooking up or dating someone else, which she says she doesn't want to do.

My problem is I feel shattered and utterly useless for my failure. I have promised to deliver what I have failed to do up to this point and deep down i want to do everything I can to support her through this and get out on the other side together, but it obviously isn't the solution she needs right now and she keeps feeling that I'm pushing her away by promising all of this now.

We both agree that the only way it would work, is if we rebuild our relationship from the ground up into something new & improved. However, that is of course dependent on her wanting to try and that is what she is feeling confused on right now. We are going to revisit the discussion in a couple of week's time, but I'm so terrified she will say she can't do this.

The other problem is my struggles in coping with the current situation. Obviously I know my feelings and what I want and its crushing me that I'm putting her through this. When we are around each-other at home, I'm battling between giving her space and wanting to interact with her to try and repair us. This in turn frustrates her.

What can I do to help cope with this situation, so that I refrain from pushing her away and making it more difficult?
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Default May 14, 2019 at 11:20 AM
  #2
Honestly, it sounds like you are trying to figure this out on your own when you would benefit more from going to marriage counseling together instead. A trained person can listen to both of you and pull out the real problems you need to see and work on instead of your just creating space and thinking your wife will figure this out on her own. Space doesn't always result in solving a problem. What helps instead is talking to a professional that can help both of you identify the problem and see if it's something you can finally work on where you get your relationship back on a healthy track.

The truth is that as you both get older you will come across uncertainties about the future. It's normal to get busy and find a way to make a living and in doing so get distracted because you are learning and growing while getting involved with this part of your life. Being joined at the hip can change because as we engage, we grow and we change. We change how we see life, the world and life itself as we get older. These changes change a relationship, it's just normal to growth as we experience life more. To separate as you have with your wife is not going to help her figure things out. She really needs someone "knowing" to talk to so she can find her way forward personally as well as together with you.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 03:09 PM
  #3
So, I ask what has she done to accommodate your hopes and dreams? It goes both ways. If she expects some giving on your part what is she prepared to give and support on hers? Just a thought.

I am really sorry you are going through this. But you deserve to be supported too. It isn't all about her and her wishes.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 03:48 AM
  #4
I echo what wishful says about it being a two-way street. Even if she seems to be the one trying to figure it out you deserve to have her work with you. I think counseling is an excellent idea. I think trying to navigate this on your own will be tough, and an objective person may help. In fact you getting your own counseling would be good too. If things do not work out you may need your own support system and to learn how to cope with things.

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