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DazedandConfused254
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Default May 14, 2019 at 04:42 PM
  #1
Over the past few years I’ve been unsatisfied with the behavior and relationship that I have with a couple of my cousins, who are the sons of my dad’s older sister. I’ll call the older one Cousin A and the younger Cousin B.

Cousin B is the most worrisome so I’ll talk about him first. My family and I have been up and down with this family member because of vast differences in personalities and attitudes. B has always had an interest in anything that is wildly out of the ordinary in terms of musical tastes, what is “hip”, and most problematically, political beliefs. B frequently seemed to go wherever the wind blows. This is a sharp contrast from me and my immediate family, as we like obtaining general overviews of what’s popular or pressing but without compromising our values or our interests. This has not been a problem for me personally (with the exception of my parents) until recently, when B constructed some offensive and inflammatory posts on Instagram expressing his displeasure with then-recent moves by the president. More specifically, he used some less-than-civil language to deride both current politics and people whose views are different from B’s. When I discovered these posts I immediately hid B from my Instagram but haven’t blocked him yet since he is a family member anyway. I have not talked to him or his family members about his behavior but it was so shocking that every time I began even thinking or speaking about B I would feel nothing but shame to even call him my cousin. When last Christmas came around my parents and I didn’t want to go to a family gathering which was the only time to see A and B because we wanted to shield ourselves from possible political discussions arising from a statewide election where we live and controversial political moves. I am confused about where to even go with this relationship, as he goes from losing his head over politics to engage my dad more recently over my father’s musical interest over text, even though they’re not the same as B’s tastes.

Cousin A is someone who I feel much more comfortable around, but I am still annoyed with various things that A has done. A has a similar worldview and personality as B, but overall A is more civil and much less in your face about sharing controversial tastes or beliefs. A is actually one of my favorite cousins from my dad’s side of the family, as he helped me grieve during the loss of my uncle and has been generous with gifts in the past. He gave me a nice banner with a cool quote that I still have on display and recently mailed me a vinyl album by the great soul musician Sam Cooke. When I was going through a transitional phase, A has been one of my go to people to reconnect with and we frequently chat with each other over similar tastes in sports, music and movies. However I cooled my jets with A at the time A’s wife was expecting twins. My father was going to mail some gifts for the newborns but complained about how he rarely gets a “Thank You” from A for receiving gifts. I was in shock since we’ve always given A and his family gifts at the holidays and plenty of fun things for his 4 children. I recently discovered that a long time ago when we were in A and B’s town celebrating my birthday their family was also in town to participate in A’s firstborn’s christening. When we stuck with our original plans to go to a long-booked concert and see other family members, A and his wife were resentful, even though we made these plans farther in advance than any of the plans A & B made. My father “jokes” around saying that ever since then A’s wife does not like me or my family ever since that riff between our plans and A’s plans, which leaves me confused and upset because I thought A and his wife loved me as one of their family, and they along with A’s mother have even said that A and his family love and care for me. But at the same time I feel like I’ve been lied to. How do I even know what A and his family even think of me?

This is not an excuse to criticize A or B and their families or their preferences but I feel nothing but frustrated with them and confused over their intentions. I only live 90 minutes away from them and we usually see them at least once a year. I am often in their hometown whether or not I see them. So these circumstances leave me in an awkward mess.

Surely trying to avoid a B&W take on this they are not entirely toxic but I am worried about if they possibly have toxic tendencies that require further development with a deeper relationship with A&B. Any toxicity here with these family members? Should I close my relationship with A&B or continue albeit lots of boundaries?

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Default May 14, 2019 at 05:22 PM
  #2
Cousins on my dad's side: I only keep in contact with 3 of them b/c the others and I have clashed with each other personality-wise and lifestyle-wise . Cousins on my mom's side: I barely keep in touch with them b/c I have zero in common with the whole lot.

If you want to maintain contact with Cousin A and B, figure out why. Do they contribute anything to your life? Do you miss them in your life? You definitely will have to establish boundaries with anyone you want to be in an interpersonal relationship with; there's no getting around that. People need to know what you expect from them, of them, and for them. Otherwise, they won't invest any time in you.
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Default May 14, 2019 at 05:31 PM
  #3
Well, you are still young yet DazedandConfused, you will need to take this slow and make up your own mind about your cousins. If you are uncomfortable around B then that's a cue that you do need to be cautious. Discussing politics is ALWAYS risky because someone can quickly develop a hate for you if you don't have the same opinion they do. So, you were right to distance from cousin B that began ranting on social media. The political climate has been absolutely attrocious these past couple of years anyway. Many people have chosen to just keep their opinions to themselves, a smart move. Also, you are getting to an age where if you want to send gifts to your cousins you can choose to do that on your own. After all, you are going to be your own person now and form your OWN opinions about things. It does sound like cousin A is nicer from what you have shared. You can always send a nice card and ease your way back into their graces if you wish to do so. You don't have to engage in conversations that make you feel uncomfortable, you can choose to step back and not entertain any rantings. Sounds like cousin A knows how to do that unlike cousin B.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 09:13 AM
  #4
I ask, do you need a relationship with them?
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Default May 16, 2019 at 02:01 AM
  #5
I second wishful thinker's question: what do you want out of the relationship with them and does being with them bring you joy?

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Default May 19, 2019 at 02:36 PM
  #6
Thank you all so much for your replies! I definitely have been re-evaluating what benefit I will get out of keeping my ties with these family members, and what kind of bounds to draw. As always I really appreciate reminders that I am not alone in making these choices like StreetCarBlanche mentions. Like OpenEyes discusses I agree that A is overall a much more civil person than B, so if B is going to become more invasive in the long run A is going to be a healthier relationship to keep. I have already noticed these subtle cues with the last few get-togethers I have had with these family members.

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Default May 19, 2019 at 04:57 PM
  #7
I only have two cousins (yes small family), they are very nice. But we aren’t extremely close. Just civil.

My husband on the other hand has a ton of them and one is totally nasty. We only see him at family get togethers, which aren’t frequent. Otherwise we never speak to him. My husband is a bit of an outcast in his extended family. Whatever. We don’t lose sleep over it. If you need to see these people at gatherings then just be polite but you don’t need to keep friendship with them at all. Keep it to a minimum
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Default May 20, 2019 at 12:41 PM
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My parents were somewhat close to some of their cousins, but my siblings and I aren't so close to ours. Age gaps, distance in miles, and other issues played a part. However, I know some families are tight, and certainly fading relationships are sad. But it happens a lot!

My brother has some different political beliefs than me. Some beliefs are similar, but he's got a bit of that "anger" that has been manufactured by various sources and he can not talk about differences in civil ways, at times. Because of that, we talk about chickens, honey bees, food, nature, our dad, and other neutral territory stuff. It works out fine. He knows my situation and he deep down knows that my situation is not helped by the political party he prefers. Frankly, me voting for his preferred party would be idiotic of me. And as said, some of what his preferred party does even he doesn't believe in.

Social media is not a mandatory thing to be part of. You can ignore stuff. You can defriend. If someone you defriend complains, just say you want to keep the peace. In my view, if someone demands to shove their views at me, it's best to take a break from them.
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Default May 28, 2019 at 01:04 PM
  #9
What strikes me about your initial post is that you seem to be taking things so seriously or have expectations that your cousins are going to be similar to you in terms of musical tastes and political beliefs. I don't know why you would let things like that dictate how you feel about the relationship in total. Sure, there are times when I try to avoid political discussions with certain people, but I don't let differences of opinion determine my total view of the person or the relationship. We are all going to have to deal with things in life that are not exactly to our liking, but I feel that it's very wise to pick your battles carefully. As long as your cousin is not being rude to you either in person or online, I see nothing to be upset about if they posted things you disagree with about a politician. Life is too short to let such things determine your emotions or relationships. Let people be who they want to be and have the views they want to have.
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