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Default May 16, 2019 at 01:31 PM
  #1
I shouldn’t be letting this bother me... but...

A few years ago I befriended somebody I thought was nice. I was foolish and have since learned to be much wiser and more selective about who I trust... I don’t care at all anymore if people seem nice, that’s not nearly enough.

She has been quite ugly. She would make rude comments, teased me in a mean way, did not reciprocate my friendship efforts... I suspect she bad mouthed me to other coworkers....I got away from her quick as soon as I saw all this starting to happen.

I don’t usually befriend people at work... she started working with me almost a year after I had met her. I still have to see her occasionally and I grit my teeth and smile and try to be nice. When I have to be around her I feel very upset for how she behaves and I really take it personally. I also have to listen to her making jabs at me about ignoring her and how that hurts her feelings.

What strikes me as ridiculous is that I can see myself internalizing her ugly behavior toward me. It has no reflection on me... other than my poor decision to trust her a little bit... mentally I know this but emotionally I have this terrible habit of feeling bad about myself when I’m being treated badly. I have to stop this.

I did do something that I’m very happy with though. I avoided all conflict and drama with this person... on my end. I did my best to ignore her comments and I kept the peace. The old me would not have handled it as well. Fortunately I rarely have to see her and hopefully this was a good lesson for me....

Doesn’t matter how old we get, there’s always more to learn.
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Default May 16, 2019 at 05:45 PM
  #2
Best line of your post is the last line, "Doesn't matter how old we get, there's always more to learn." This is so true.

You can be friends with someone a week or 30 years and they can suddenly surprise you in a bad way or good way. If something bothers you, you always have a choice with how you choose to handle it, so that you feel better.
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Default May 16, 2019 at 07:11 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
Best line of your post is the last line, "Doesn't matter how old we get, there's always more to learn." This is so true.


You can be friends with someone a week or 30 years and they can suddenly surprise you in a bad way or good way. If something bothers you, you always have a choice with how you choose to handle it, so that you feel better.


Yes you are right that you can be friends for many years and it can go very wrong. It happens all the time in friendships, marriages, families... I hadn’t taken that into consideration. The key is to recognize it and gracefully bow out and not to be so hard on yourself. Thank you. Noticing how I handle bad relationships
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Default May 17, 2019 at 06:19 AM
  #4
I’ve finally had a revelation that once a relationship ‘goes bad’, meaning even if the closest of loving people have a first-time conflict, there is no repairing it. One would think if both people truly care for each other and apologize and change the offensive behavior, the relationship could restore. Sadly, IME this has never been the case.

If one wishes to keep some relationship with that person, they have to act like everything is fine, grin and bear it. Otherwise, they can end the relationship, moving on to find others who will treat them right.

I’ve wasted so much energy trying to repair relationships gone bad. It takes two.

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Default May 17, 2019 at 11:28 AM
  #5
"What strikes me as ridiculous is that I can see myself internalizing her ugly behavior toward me. It has no reflection on me... other than my poor decision to trust her a little bit... mentally I know this but emotionally I have this terrible habit of feeling bad about myself when IÂ’m being treated badly. I have to stop this."

This resonates for me. Not in the same way as for you, but... -> it's work to know when to consider myself with as high a priority as I consider others, or even a higher priority. I have a responsibility to do this. People around me say that I have a responsibility to do this and I agree with them. -> but actually to do it feels very confusing indeed.

I'm like, "oh I need something? I need something really? hummÂ….!" and then ignore myself and pass onto the next thing. I have some weird behaviour patterns. And meanwhile this small voice inside me is SHOUTING !

Especially when other people see themselves as pandering to my needs when they are really trying to get something from me. I get PUZZLED internally... my mind and spirit start wandering out of this universe and into the next.

This confusion of boundaries seems to be a childhood thing. My adult self can "know" where interpersonal boundaries are, and then get confused when other people impose on them. Because a young child really does not know, unless taught - where they end and another person begins.

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Default May 17, 2019 at 11:41 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I’ve finally had a revelation that once a relationship ‘goes bad’, meaning even if the closest of loving people have a first-time conflict, there is no repairing it. One would think if both people truly care for each other and apologize and change the offensive behavior, the relationship could restore. Sadly, IME this has never been the case.

If one wishes to keep some relationship with that person, they have to act like everything is fine, grin and bear it. Otherwise, they can end the relationship, moving on to find others who will treat them right.

I’ve wasted so much energy trying to repair relationships gone bad. It takes two.
Don't give up TishaBuv! People can learn how to do these things - you, and I, and the next person . Perhaps relationship skills are ALL about learning what to do when things go bad - as well as having fun together? Perhaps also there are layers to learning this stuff: I can conflict resolve with acquaintances but despair with intimate friends for example?

HUGS COMING YR WAY IF YOU TAKE THEM!

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Default May 17, 2019 at 11:49 AM
  #7
PS Sisabel, I believe that you wrote about this person before, but re-reading your first post I wonder: she seems to be acting out from what she experiences as hurt feelings caused by you ignoring her; she seems to be in a mess internally.

Anyways KUDOS to you for dealing with this in a way that protects you, makes you feel better and more in control of the situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Default May 17, 2019 at 12:20 PM
  #8
Hi Sisabel,

so sorry you experienced this! While it's great that you weren't aggressive or reactive in response, I wonder if you were too passive and that's why you started to internalize her unpleasantness? Perhaps even one calm conversation: "It probably feels like I'm ignoring you because I am not okay with how you speak to me sometimes. Your thoughts are your thoughts but if they are unpleasant, you need to keep them to yourself." Perhaps being able to directly defend your boundaries would make you feel a bit better? I'm not suggesting that she'd suddenly evolve into a more pleasant person (highly unlikely) but it might be good for your self-esteem. This would not be an effort to have a friendship with her but peacefully drawing a line on behavior that is not okay. And perhaps she'd at least give up "I'm hurt that you're ignoring me" comments?

I'm glad you have distance and don't see her often. Peace to you!
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Default May 17, 2019 at 03:00 PM
  #9
I’m sorry you have to work with her, sisabel. I’d tip toe around her to not make it escalate. I think she’s trying to goad you into a fight with her comments.

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Default May 18, 2019 at 07:10 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by saidso View Post
PS Sisabel, I believe that you wrote about this person before, but re-reading your first post I wonder: she seems to be acting out from what she experiences as hurt feelings caused by you ignoring her; she seems to be in a mess internally.


Anyways KUDOS to you for dealing with this in a way that protects you, makes you feel better and more in control of the situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I think you make a wise observation here. When I think about it, it’s highly likely that I’ve hurt her feelings. She may have felt quite rejected when I changed from
inviting her to do things and laughing and joking.... to never inviting her and staying away from her as much as possible. It was probably rather abrupt and a bit harsh knowing me. I was polite and friendly but I’m not good at faking nice when someone has annoyed and offended me. And you’re right, I saw that she clearly has some serious issues and I just wanted absolutely no part of it.

I will think about this the next time I start to internalize her verbal abuse towards me... I will try to turn it inside out and think about the reason she’s doing it versus feeling bad about myself while she insults me. Come to think of it.... I just described the dynamic between my mother and me and never even realized it.... Wow!!
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Default May 18, 2019 at 07:13 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I’m sorry you have to work with her, sisabel. I’d tip toe around her to not make it escalate. I think she’s trying to goad you into a fight with her comments.


You are exactly right. I do get the sense she’s trying to pick a fight with me. I have refused to satisfy her with one single response in kind. The more calm and polite I remain, the more aggressive she seems to be getting. I shouldn’t have to be around her too much at work anymore now that I’ve transferred and I definitely don’t want to escalate a drama at work of all places.

Silver Trees made a great observation about being too passive though. I can try to work on some professional and assertive responses to her without making it into a conflict...

She has picked fights with other co-workers and seems to thrive on it.
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Default May 18, 2019 at 07:17 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I’ve finally had a revelation that once a relationship ‘goes bad’, meaning even if the closest of loving people have a first-time conflict, there is no repairing it. One would think if both people truly care for each other and apologize and change the offensive behavior, the relationship could restore. Sadly, IME this has never been the case.


If one wishes to keep some relationship with that person, they have to act like everything is fine, grin and bear it. Otherwise, they can end the relationship, moving on to find others who will treat them right.


I’ve wasted so much energy trying to repair relationships gone bad. It takes two.


I agree that most relationships cannot handle the strain of conflict. I’ve also wasted a lot of energy trying to be a “good friend” and it’s not healthy for me.
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Default May 18, 2019 at 07:20 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Hi Sisabel,


so sorry you experienced this! While it's great that you weren't aggressive or reactive in response, I wonder if you were too passive and that's why you started to internalize her unpleasantness? Perhaps even one calm conversation: "It probably feels like I'm ignoring you because I am not okay with how you speak to me sometimes. Your thoughts are your thoughts but if they are unpleasant, you need to keep them to yourself." Perhaps being able to directly defend your boundaries would make you feel a bit better? I'm not suggesting that she'd suddenly evolve into a more pleasant person (highly unlikely) but it might be good for your self-esteem. This would not be an effort to have a friendship with her but peacefully drawing a line on behavior that is not okay. And perhaps she'd at least give up "I'm hurt that you're ignoring me" comments?


I'm glad you have distance and don't see her often. Peace to you!


Oh wow you hit my weak spot. Yes. I think you are exactly right here. I am not good with calmly and kindly drawing the line with people. I am either really nice... or I’m not nice. I fear conflict so I avoid it until I can’t avoid it anymore. Hence the internalization dilemma. Ugh. Yes, I will work on this next time she says something to me. Perhaps one simple statement to speak up for myself without being combative would help me... And thank you for pointing out it has nothing to do with her feelings or with friendship but it’s about my self esteem. Noticing how I handle bad relationships
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Default May 18, 2019 at 08:48 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by Sisabel View Post
I fear conflict so I avoid it until I can’t avoid it anymore.

Hi Sisabel. I can relate to this.

Next time she or someone else refuses to change a toxic behavior towards you, briefly let her know that you do not appreciate it.

You let her know one time, and if she does it again, you go no contact with her. If she keeps coming back asking why you are ignoring her, you remind her that you've already had this conversation with her.

This way, you will always have a reference point to work with; whereas if you never confront her, she will keep nagging you for an explanation as to why you are avoiding her.

If she is not a safe person to be alone with, bring someone along for your protection, as well as your witness (Remember that when you confront unsafe people, they may lie about the confrontation too).
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