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Th1499
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Default May 18, 2019 at 04:44 AM
  #1
My mom does not support my relationship and because of this nobody in my house is. i still love my gf. She also loves me . but she and my mom had a big fight . My mom and my gf both dont like each other. my mom is not letting me go anywhere she js hanging around with me everywhere. what should i do so that i can be with my gf again.
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Default May 18, 2019 at 11:00 AM
  #2
How are are you and your gf?
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Default May 18, 2019 at 11:28 AM
  #3
I'm assuming you're a minor from what you said in your post. Is your mom against you dating anyone at all? Or is she just against your girlfriend? Also, did your mom dislike your girlfriend instantly upon meeting her? Or was there something that caused their bad relationship, before their big fight?
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Default May 18, 2019 at 07:28 PM
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Hello Th1499. Sorry you are going through this. How old are you? Do you live in your mother's house? Is your father present?
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Default May 19, 2019 at 12:45 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Hello Th1499. Sorry you are going through this. How old are you? Do you live in your mother's house? Is your father present?
I am 20 year old i live in my parents house my father is present but he only does what mom tells him is right
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Default May 19, 2019 at 08:54 PM
  #6
It is extremely difficult (or even impossible?) to set boundaries with controlling parents when you are financially dependent on them and living in their home. Your mother does not have a right to determine who you date. Nor does she have a right to block you from leaving the house. But she believes she does. She may perceive you as an extension of herself, rather than a separate entity in your own right, therefore to her your choices seem like her choices. I doubt you can convince her otherwise so you need to physically and financially separate yourself as soon as possible.

I recommend developing a plan to leave her house and live elsewhere....whether that means working and saving money for a while, searching for a roommate or two, or seeking some sort of professional support and/or government assistance. Your mother's perception is that she owns you because you live under her roof and (I assume) she pays the bills. I think the only way to end her control is to live elsewhere and support yourself as best you can. Though of course I don't know any particulars of your finances etc

20 is a good age to be living without one's parents and supporting one's self....choosing your own partner and lifestyle etc. Do you think you can find ways to do that?
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Default May 19, 2019 at 09:22 PM
  #7
Here’s a related story from my life. I hope it offers a useful perspective.

When I was 22, I dated a 24-year-old. He lived with his mother and had never been on his own. I think I was actually his first real girlfriend. We dated for a couple months and then he expressed to his mother that he wanted to move out and be closer to me. (A little quick, but whatever.). Her opinion of me immediately changed. She became extremely rude and hateful. Psychologists would have labeled their relationship as highly codependent. They kissed each other goodnight on the cheek every night. He ended up breaking up with me over a Facebook message (pathetic) because his mother didn’t approve of the relationship.

It’s been 12 years. Where are we now? I’m a doctor who has experienced adult life and lives independently in her own house. He still lives with his mom and doesn’t have any life experiences or maturity beyond that of the typical 16-year-old.

Be careful. Mother doesn’t always know best.

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Default May 19, 2019 at 09:24 PM
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Default May 19, 2019 at 09:44 PM
  #9
I'd like to share a pertinent anecdote from my doctor. He is a Chinese man. He is happily married and a successful practitioner. I have a great deal of respect for him as a person and doctor. The other day we were discussing my dysfunctional family and how that pain affects me sometimes. He shared that his parents are very upset that he and his wife are not currently planning to have a baby. They are not sure if they will ever have a baby but both agree that they certainly do not want one now. I mentioned that he is Chinese because he told me it is common for parents in his culture to overstep with their children. Anyway, first his mother tried to convince him to have a baby. Then she asked his father to pressure him. When that didn't work, his father asked his uncle to call him up and emphasize how much he really needed to have a baby as soon as possible. He simply told them no, no, and no. He lives in a different country from them. So that could certainly help with boundaries but they obviously kept pushing and he needed to stand his ground. The only person who should be weighing in on his baby plans, or the lack thereof, is his wife!
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Default May 19, 2019 at 11:21 PM
  #10
My mother was against my girlfriend. Really against.

My mother made her feel unwelcome in our home, and ranted about her, bitterly criticized her, when she was not around.

My mother made things very difficult in many ways for me and for my girlfriend.

Thankfully, I didn't listen to my mother.

The girlfriend and I have been married now for nearly forty years.
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