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Default May 18, 2019 at 07:13 PM
  #1
So lately my wife has been in a rut and no matter how I try to help I can’t get her out of it. So I’ve accepted if I can’t get her out of it I should at least not add to her worries and stress.

Even though I have accepted this I still find it hard to be happy knowing she is not. It just bothers me too much and I brought this up with her. She then said that it’s terrible that in order for me to be happy, that she has to be happy.

In my mind I just thought is it really so terrible that I feel that way???

So I got to thinking that maybe this stems off of my people pleasing nature. Which since I made a post about that I have made great leaps. But I feel that I have a heightened sensitivity to the moral of those around me. I mean everybody is affected by moral, but I feel that I’m more so than most.

Now when it comes to my wife she’s simply not happy in life. Which is really starting to make me resent her. She’s seen therapist, talked to job counselors, bankers, etc... they all say that she needs to change, but it’ll take time. Things will get better eventually, but it’s more down than up.
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Default May 18, 2019 at 07:41 PM
  #2
This is really a difficult situation for you. I can’t imagine what you can really do. On hand, you want to do everything you can to help make her life a good one... on the other hand she is a responsible adult with her own choices to make.

My H was in a bad depression for a while and it was really hard for me. It’s hard to be happy in a home that has a heavy gloom over it. So I got out of the house a lot and left him to do his own thing. He muddled about the garage and yard with his projects. He eventually pulled through but he does tend to have a depressed nature and we clash at times when I try to get him out of it.

What do you think helps her the most? Talking about things or being left alone?
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Default May 19, 2019 at 05:27 AM
  #3
I do not think you should necessarily feel bad that her happiness affects you. When you are in a marriage or partnership you are like coffee and cream- one needs the other to make a perfect cup of coffee. As long as you are not letting her happiness dictate everything about your mood in a codependent sense I think it makes sense to want her to feel better. What is she doing to change her depression? Is she in therapy or on meds?

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Default May 19, 2019 at 05:48 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Stuck1nhead View Post
So lately my wife has been in a rut and no matter how I try to help I can’t get her out of it. So I’ve accepted if I can’t get her out of it I should at least not add to her worries and stress.

Even though I have accepted this I still find it hard to be happy knowing she is not. It just bothers me too much and I brought this up with her. She then said that it’s terrible that in order for me to be happy, that she has to be happy.

In my mind I just thought is it really so terrible that I feel that way???

So I got to thinking that maybe this stems off of my people pleasing nature. Which since I made a post about that I have made great leaps. But I feel that I have a heightened sensitivity to the moral of those around me. I mean everybody is affected by moral, but I feel that I’m more so than most.

Now when it comes to my wife she’s simply not happy in life. Which is really starting to make me resent her. She’s seen therapist, talked to job counselors, bankers, etc... they all say that she needs to change, but it’ll take time. Things will get better eventually, but it’s more down than up.
Have you guys had a conversation about both of your current states?

Either way it doesn't seem like there's much you can do besides let her know you're there for her, if she's to need support, in whatever form that may be.

It sounds like she's using everything at her disposal to improve her happiness. Perhaps in the meantime you should consider seeking a proffesional if you havent already, if your feelings of resentment, your sensitivity, and anything else that may come during this period become too much for you to bear.
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Default May 19, 2019 at 06:27 AM
  #5
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What do you think helps her the most? Talking about things or being left alone?

Honestly I know she likes to vent about her worries and I’ve always listened. But she really needs to speak to a professional. Which after months of getting on her about she has a appointment next month. So that’s a positive.
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Default May 19, 2019 at 06:32 AM
  #6
I'm so sorry that you and your wife are BOTH hurting so much, Stuck1nhead! Please do NOT feel guilty about feeling bad for her! it's perfectly NORMAL that you'd feel this way! She IS your life-long partner and wife after all! You're already doing doing EVERYTHING you can by helping her and staying with her and supporting her! You're WONDERFUL although I understand it must ber VERY hard for you to deal with ALL OF THIS! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given PLENTY of great, kind, wise and WONDERFUL advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you possibly CAN if you want to! Please be kind to yourself and just do your best to help your wife since she's going through this difficult period, but remember that you have to take care of YOURSELF as well! Please DO NOT NEGLECT YOURSELF during ALL of this, ok? It is WONDERFUL to help others, but we can't fully take care of other people if we're not taking care of OURSELVES first as well! I feel like that's A VERY IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER! Please keep us updated on your and your wife's situation, ok? We DO want to know how things are going for you and how things are going for you and if things are getting ANY BETTER! YOU'RE A STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Sending many kind, safe, warm and WONDERFUL HUGS to you and your wife, Stuck1nhead!
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Default May 19, 2019 at 02:20 PM
  #7
Hello Stuck1nHead. Sorry you and your wife are struggling. This is complicated and hard for both of you.

Is it terrible that it's hard for you to be happy when your wife is miserable? Of course not. i don't think that's strange or unusual at all. You love her and share a life with her so of course you want her to be happy and well.

For a healthy relationship, there needs to be attention to three components. The YOU, the ME, and the WE. If the you (her) part is off then that also affects the WE and that's 2/3 of the dynamic. Quite a strain, right? I wonder if you explained it to her in those terms, if it could help her to understand your perspective.

I would respectfully discourage you from "months of getting on her" about a therapy appointment. You cannot make that choice for her and pressuring her will only cause more strain on the WE of the relationship. It's a boundary issue. I live with depression and I am very careful about how it affects my other half. I encourage him to have his time with friends etc even when I am feeling unwell. If I am in great need, I talk to a doctor or therapist, because it's not the role of a partner to treat someone's mental health. Similarly, if my partner oversteps I draw the line quite quickly for him. For example, he used to fixate on the notion that if I could only find the right med, I would no longer have depression. Now I understood that he wanted me to be happy. But I am an expert on my own depression. Hahaha! After years of med trials and wasted time and money, that is not something I pursue anymore. he had a hard time understanding that. To be clear, I'm like a high-functioning depressive if that makes sense. I have bad spells sometimes but have a successful career and take care of my physical health etc. I actively take care of the depression, just not via meds. My partner understands that now. But when he kept bringing up trying a new med I started to get angry and then weary. That's my choice; not his. When he kept going on about it, I felt disrespected. Though I realize that was not his intent.

It's like smoking, for example. A wife may worry about her husband's health due to smoking but being married to him does not authorize her to throw out his cigarettes or lecture him about the hazards. He's an adult. He'll give up if he wants to or not. If she can't tolerate living with a smoker, she can leave. That's her choice. Just as the smoking is his choice.

Intervention for mental illness or any problem really is only effective if the participant actually wants help and fully contributes to the process. Someone could be pressured to see a doctor or therapist, go and just sit there....or just become defensive and leave. There is some reason why your wife doesn't want help. I have no idea what it is but she knows. If she would be willing to share that with you, that would be great but you also want to be prepared for the possibility that she will never tell you.

That said, maintaining good boundaries with people we love seems to be a very common challenge for us humans. So I certainly empathize with your predicament. i tried to address both sides. I wish you and your wife peace, hope, and a bright future!

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 19, 2019 at 02:47 PM..
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Default May 19, 2019 at 03:17 PM
  #8
So what I’m receiving is I can’t force her to change. Some of her problems are exactly that, her problems. All I can play is the good husband and be there for her. But not at the expense of my own happiness.

That’s going to be a tough one for me to get use to. It goes against my nature to make sure those around me are happy.
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Default May 19, 2019 at 03:34 PM
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So what I’m receiving is I can’t force her to change. Some of her problems are exactly that, her problems. All I can play is the good husband and be there for her. But not at the expense of my own happiness.

That’s going to be a tough one for me to get use to. It goes against my nature to make sure those around me are happy.
Perhaps there's another way to think about it Stuck1nhead? Personally,I think there is some happiness to be found each day when I search for it. Not every moment of the day but even a few moments. As her loving husband who wants her to be happy, perhaps you can help her with that. Here are a few practical examples of what I'm referring to....

- a favorite food or beverage she enjoys which you can make for her
- inviting her on a nice walk outside
- writing your gratitude list each day and sharing it with her, maybe she might even like to start practicing gratitude each day also....research suggests that this increases subjective levels of happiness when practiced every day
- bringing her a nice little gift or something some time for no reason other than just because
- running a bubble bath for her
- lighting some candles
-reading to her while she does the dishes or something
- watching her favorite TV show or film with her

Etc etc

How does that resonate with you? It's like going back to the smaller picture while allowing the big picture to unfold as it will.....rather than trying to correct her path away from "the rut" you willfully join her on her current path as is and actively find and share a few moments of joy each day with her.
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Default May 19, 2019 at 05:49 PM
  #10
Silver trees, I loved you list of kindnesses one can do for someone.
I would only like to comment on the smoking issue. I did not intervene when my husband smoked until he was 50-WITH DIABETES. That proved to be a gargantuan mistake when he developed a heart condition and down the line, other extensive vascular problems. I did finally get him on Chantix and he stopped. And no that wasn’t my responsibility, but we are so inter-related with a spouse that we are going to suffer the consequences anyway, so I think its better to face the reality of the situation when it comes to smoking. It’s always better to use rewards, rather than endless nagging.

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Default May 19, 2019 at 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Stuck1nhead View Post
So lately my wife has been in a rut and no matter how I try to help I can’t get her out of it. So I’ve accepted if I can’t get her out of it I should at least not add to her worries and stress.

Even though I have accepted this I still find it hard to be happy knowing she is not. It just bothers me too much and I brought this up with her. She then said that it’s terrible that in order for me to be happy, that she has to be happy.

In my mind I just thought is it really so terrible that I feel that way???

So I got to thinking that maybe this stems off of my people pleasing nature. Which since I made a post about that I have made great leaps. But I feel that I have a heightened sensitivity to the moral of those around me. I mean everybody is affected by moral, but I feel that I’m more so than most.

Now when it comes to my wife she’s simply not happy in life. Which is really starting to make me resent her. She’s seen therapist, talked to job counselors, bankers, etc... they all say that she needs to change, but it’ll take time. Things will get better eventually, but it’s more down than up.
So, have you always been this way growing up -- mirroring others' emotions as your own? If it has been this way for you, then it totally makes sense to me that you feel like your wife's unhappiness is affecting your own happiness.

Don't feel guilty for being happy while your wife is not. Where in a marriage contract, does it state that both spouses should mirror each other's emotional states at all times? That would make for a miserable relationship, wouldn't it?

I don't blame you for resenting your wife's unhappiness; first, because she is stubborn about taking steps to take care of it herself (she expects you, her husband to do it, which is NOT your job, fyi), and second, because she wants you to feel miserable along with her (which is not actually a healthy response) and if you won't, she feels betrayed by you, right? That's just a guess but...

Since she's already been through this with previous counselors, job counselors, etc.,. and they haven't been able to motivate her to change herself, I worry that this new therapist has his/her work cut out for them with your wife.

I wonder why your wife doesn't want to change her priorities to change her life? Because what I'm learning about myself, is that if I want to be happier, I have to change my priorities first, before I can make real change and see the results from it.

Did something happen to your wife that caused her to fall into this ongoing depressive state? Job loss? Child loss? Friend loss? Family loss? Menopause? Income loss? Move to another state? Something had to have been the catalyst.

Don't sacrifice your own happiness as her husband. You don't have to be miserable to empathize with whatever it is she's going through.

You still can and should be happy with your life, while able to empathize with your wife. I think as long as you show her that you care, in some way that she understands, that should be enough. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Default May 20, 2019 at 06:59 PM
  #12
So me and my wife talked it out and she admits that she hasn’t been trying all that much to help her mental health. Also we both agree that I have been pushing her to hard lately and need to ease up. I’m still going to find it difficult to focus on my happiness
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Default May 20, 2019 at 07:21 PM
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You are trying Stuck1nhead. When we try, we're off to a great start! Give yourself some credit, will you? Do something nice for yourself this week just because
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Default May 20, 2019 at 07:24 PM
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So me and my wife talked it out and she admits that she hasn’t been trying all that much to help her mental health. Also we both agree that I have been pushing her to hard lately and need to ease up. I’m still going to find it difficult to focus on my happiness
Good to hear that you and your wife talked with each other about this issue.

She needs to accept that only SHE is responsible for her own happiness. Not you. Not her therapists, or job counselors, or friends, or pets, etc., only SHE is. No one else can make her happy -- that's just not possible. Only she can make herself happy. Somehow, she has to come to this realization, or she will continue to seek happiness outside of herself.

Please find a way to make yourself happy while your wife goes through this experience. The best way I can relate to your situation, is that I have to take care of my mother who has dementia. And, I have NO support system -- my friends have stopped contacting me to get together, b/c what I'm doing makes them uncomfortable.

So, I'm learning that the only way I'm going to survive living with my mother until a bed opens up in an assisted living facility that I've applied her to, is to seek out ways to make myself happy. I found some support groups of adult children with dementia parents, that I will attend.

I also rejoined Meetup, and am in grad school again, and am looking for a full-time job and a place to live. All of these things distract me from the stress and unhappiness that comes with parenting my mother whose dementia grows exponentially worse daily.

Whatever happiness looks like to you -- hanging out with your buddies, joining community sports leagues, monthly poker games, whatever the activities are, try to find a way to rejoin those and be with the guys who make you happy, as your buddies. You need to make time for yourself, somehow, someway.
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