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TishaBuv
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Default May 28, 2019 at 03:06 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by Sisabel View Post
Don’t worry about defending yourself. You’re doing the best you can. Parenting is not easy. You have two kids who you probably raised quite similarly and yet they are both quite different... so even with our best efforts we never know how things will work out with our kids.

I’ve struggled with a relationship with my daughter. When she didn’t call or text... or even return calls or texts very often... this went on for years... I worked hard on my own hobbies and interests. It’s hard...

I’ve tried to focus on my other challenges and struggles and grow as much as I can. My daughter eventually started reaching out. It took time. Part of it was I needed to step back and respect her boundaries... part of it was I needed to expect her to also respect mine.

It’s still a struggle and a work in progress. The relationship is less than ideal. I’m with you in that I feel sad that my adult child is not a close part of my every day life. It’s hard to accept things for what they are but I think it gets easier for us when we do... or at least keep working on it and that’s the best we can do. Out of Sight Out of MindOut of Sight Out of MindOut of Sight Out of Mind
When your daughter didn’t respond to your texts, were they texts that required response? Did she eventually respond? Did you need to text her again with the same question?

I know some people feel that texts should be answered immediately and get upset when people don’t. I don’t think that way. But, I think a reasonable amount of time like a day or two at most is definitely an expectation. With an email, I’d say even longer is acceptable.

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Default May 28, 2019 at 05:20 PM
  #42
Why are you supporting grown men? I understand paying tuition if you can afford it but paying for everything? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t work through college even having very wealthy parents. And if kids play house, they support themselves. Such exuberant over the top spoiling possibly contributes to sense of entitlement and arrogance. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

Ring is a non issue. No one wants to propose with diamond provided by mommy. I sure wouldn’t wear the kind of ring. I selected what I liked and what I knew would be suitable for my future husbands finances. If your son can’t afford the ring and is still dependent on you, he shouldn’t be getting married. But not using your ring or ring provided by you is really a non issue. He is not royalty.

I think him not calling you might be just one of the symptoms of a bigger issue.

Why are your kids not required and not even wanting to work through college (not saying full time) like everyone else? Both my nephews worked all through engineering schools (which are tough schools) and my brother is very well off. My daughter worked part time all through undergrad and did grad school on her own while working full time, I am doing fine but am not rich, my ex husband is literally a millionaire, so she wouldn’t have to work if she didn’t want to but why wouldn’t she want to have her own money? I literally know no one who relies on parents for allowances past high school. How can he even date if he doesn’t have a single penny of his own?

Why are you spoiling them so much? I see no point in it, it just creates this standoffish attitude.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 07:48 AM
  #43
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Why are you supporting grown men? I understand paying tuition if you can afford it but paying for everything? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t work through college even having very wealthy parents. And if kids play house, they support themselves. Such exuberant over the top spoiling possibly contributes to sense of entitlement and arrogance. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

Ring is a non issue. No one wants to propose with diamond provided by mommy. I sure wouldn’t wear the kind of ring. I selected what I liked and what I knew would be suitable for my future husbands finances. If your son can’t afford the ring and is still dependent on you, he shouldn’t be getting married. But not using your ring or ring provided by you is really a non issue. He is not royalty.

I think him not calling you might be just one of the symptoms of a bigger issue.

Why are your kids not required and not even wanting to work through college (not saying full time) like everyone else? Both my nephews worked all through engineering schools (which are tough schools) and my brother is very well off. My daughter worked part time all through undergrad and did grad school on her own while working full time, I am doing fine but am not rich, my ex husband is literally a millionaire, so she wouldn’t have to work if she didn’t want to but why wouldn’t she want to have her own money? I literally know no one who relies on parents for allowances past high school. How can he even date if he doesn’t have a single penny of his own?

Why are you spoiling them so much? I see no point in it, it just creates this standoffish attitude.
I don’t understand why I can’t get through to you about the ring. If your parent was giving you the amount of money you needed for the center stone of the ring, wouldn’t you at least discuss that with them one way or another? That is what this was. I was not imposing any particular stone on them. The stone was to be traded for one of their choice. That is how the jewelry business works sometimes. Instead, he ignored me and spent at least 3x the amount he could have for the same ring. Was I wrong to be so giving to my beloved son? That’s up for debate.

Yes, we are guilty of supporting them through undergrad. They spent so little money beyond college and meal plan. They never even had cars because they didn’t need them. We wanted them to completely focus on their very difficult studies and get A’s. Our engineer son did work in engineering for the college as part of his program and they paid him a little. This son did work at his college as a tutor in his area of study and they paid him a little. We were all for this, as it furthered his career. But then he didn’t follow up on that job and lost it to more ambitious students. He was supposed to do other non-paid jobs to further his career, but he didn’t. Instead, he worked the ff job, keeping it from us, in order to have the independence to get an apartment and a dead end company job in order to please her. I get it. That’s his choice. He’s a grown man. Maybe he’ll love his life and I hope he does. He did it in a shady way, concealing it from us rather than including us in his choices. I’m sure this was because he knew we would try to talk him out of it and back on the path of a successful career including grad school. He’s very smart, and I am sure he will rise to the top no matter what path he chooses.

And yes, I am very grateful he is doing as well as he is and not a drug addict risking his very life. If that were the case, I’d deal with that in any way I could help.

You may be right about the jobs though, Divine. Our youngest son could get a part time job while still in high school. He’s struggling in his core subjects because he isn’t putting in enough study time. I could encourage him to be a grocery clerk and accept those low grades.

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Default May 29, 2019 at 12:41 PM
  #44
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
When your daughter didn’t respond to your texts, were they texts that required response? Did she eventually respond? Did you need to text her again with the same question?


I know some people feel that texts should be answered immediately and get upset when people don’t. I don’t think that way. But, I think a reasonable amount of time like a day or two at most is definitely an expectation. With an email, I’d say even longer is acceptable.


She blew off my calls and texts for years. Finally I just didn’t ever ask her any questions anymore and never expected a response. I would send a text telling her I loved her and that I hoped she was having a good day... stuff like that. No questions and no expectations. That’s still my rule in all my communication with her. I don’t ask her questions and I have no expectations.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 02:06 PM
  #45
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Originally Posted by Sisabel View Post
She blew off my calls and texts for years. Finally I just didn’t ever ask her any questions anymore and never expected a response. I would send a text telling her I loved her and that I hoped she was having a good day... stuff like that. No questions and no expectations. That’s still my rule in all my communication with her. I don’t ask her questions and I have no expectations.
That’s very unusual behavior on her part. There must have been some issue; either she was angry at you or she was too ashamed of herself to respond— I can only conjecture.

You make a good point though, about having no expectations. Maybe the questions you asked felt judgmental to her.

I haven’t even been judgmental with him, although I don’t like what I am seeing. Maybe he knows I am judgmental without my even saying it.

My h texted our son saying he hadn’t responded to me and we wanted to see him on that day if he was free. He texted me back that he saw me text but didn’t read it and he was sorry. This means to me that he was very distracted and didn’t care enough to read the text that had content. It was only two sentences which included a date and started with the words, “We are coming...”

So, I don’t think it is anger on his part or intentional slight. It was just that he did not care enough to read my text.

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Default May 29, 2019 at 02:24 PM
  #46
I thought I had acted supportive of his getting the job. I told him maybe he could work his way up through the company and may not even need grad school, or maybe they would send him to grad school (some companies do). I didn’t bad mouth his fiancé to him at all (I know better).

But I just came to a plan; I’ll ask and expect nothing from him, I’ll only give to him what I want to give to him, and I’ll act like everything he does is great. We’ll all get along just fine.

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Default May 29, 2019 at 02:53 PM
  #47
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I don’t understand why I can’t get through to you about the ring. If your parent was giving you the amount of money you needed for the center stone of the ring, wouldn’t you at least discuss that with them one way or another? That is what this was. I was not imposing any particular stone on them. The stone was to be traded for one of their choice. That is how the jewelry business works sometimes. Instead, he ignored me and spent at least 3x the amount he could have for the same ring. Was I wrong to be so giving to my beloved son? That’s up for debate.

Yes, we are guilty of supporting them through undergrad. They spent so little money beyond college and meal plan. They never even had cars because they didn’t need them. We wanted them to completely focus on their very difficult studies and get A’s. Our engineer son did work in engineering for the college as part of his program and they paid him a little. This son did work at his college as a tutor in his area of study and they paid him a little. We were all for this, as it furthered his career. But then he didn’t follow up on that job and lost it to more ambitious students. He was supposed to do other non-paid jobs to further his career, but he didn’t. Instead, he worked the ff job, keeping it from us, in order to have the independence to get an apartment and a dead end company job in order to please her. I get it. That’s his choice. He’s a grown man. Maybe he’ll love his life and I hope he does. He did it in a shady way, concealing it from us rather than including us in his choices. I’m sure this was because he knew we would try to talk him out of it and back on the path of a successful career including grad school. He’s very smart, and I am sure he will rise to the top no matter what path he chooses.

And yes, I am very grateful he is doing as well as he is and not a drug addict risking his very life. If that were the case, I’d deal with that in any way I could help.

You may be right about the jobs though, Divine. Our youngest son could get a part time job while still in high school. He’s struggling in his core subjects because he isn’t putting in enough study time. I could encourage him to be a grocery clerk and accept those low grades.
You seem to have very black and white “either or” thinking on the matter. Are these the only alternatives?

You either support your children financially or they become drug addicts and risk their lives? How so? I don’t get this alternative. Of course we are glad if our kids aren’t drug addicts, it’s kind of a given

Another black and white alternative: they either don’t work and have good grades or they work and have bad grades. It seems very drastic. If they truly can’t have good grades and work even few part time hours a week in undergrad (not talking medical school here), most certainly they shouldn’t work. Why such extremes. But I’d also look into if they are in the right program. If working few hours a week is causing bad grades, something needs to be looked at? Do they take too many classes or need tutoring?

If they have no time to work though and need to study a lot, it’s understandable but then they shouldn’t date either. It’s time consuming and it’s not a requirement. Perhaps dating causing bad grades more than other stuff?

You don’t have to convince me about ring, I am not the one having an issue with it. If you feel he had to use your diamond, then it’s fine. But if he is a grown man with his own life he and his future wife could do whatever they want about getting a ring or no ring or two rings. If he isn’t seen by you as a grown man, then I can see how it’s upsetting he doesn’t do things your way. But being upset didn’t accomplish anything, you had a meltdown, he knew it. He knows you dislike his bride (going by what you shared before). Perhaps it causes distance now. Maybe it could be mended or maybe he just needs space for now.

Sometimes we have to give up control and let kids go if you still want a relationship with them. They might choose wrong partners (or the ones we think as wrong). They might marry out of faith (which likely is one of your issues with your son), they might have a wedding not to your liking. And they know when you object. But you got to give up. It’s not always easy. But what’s the alternative? Not having relationship with them or having it so limited? I am not saying we have to put up with abuse from kids, of course not but their choice of partners and life style is not really our business. Not in 2019.

Last edited by divine1966; May 29, 2019 at 03:28 PM..
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Default May 29, 2019 at 04:20 PM
  #48
Divine, It’s really hard with these forums where a lot gets misunderstood and lost in translation. My comment about him not being a drug addict wAs in response to someone who made a comment about that earlier on this thread.

I think I’ve got this issue under control now.

Thanks for always being there to listen! Hugs

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Default May 30, 2019 at 07:17 PM
  #49
Many of the criticisms I received on this thread, which were not even related to the subject, have made me feel truly disheartened. I just thought I’d be honest about how hurtful and disrespectful this felt.

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Default May 30, 2019 at 09:04 PM
  #50
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Default May 31, 2019 at 09:20 AM
  #51
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I’ve noticed, when I start a thread, I mostly get told I am the problem and everything I do is wrong. I thought this is supposed to be a supportive community? Why are my details being nit-picked and thrown in my face? Do I need to defend myself on my own thread and explain everything that I am being judged for?

I think any time you put something like that out there online and ask for others' thoughts, you can't guarantee you are going to like all the answers you get. People have shared their ideas and experiences, you can take what you want from it and ignore the rest.
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