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Default May 24, 2019 at 06:26 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Having bipolar myself, I don't necessarily see that all that much in what you describe. Consider too that "moods"/reactions can be used to control others, making you fall into line with what he wants. (I have personally experienced this.) He does sound rather controlling and isolating. You mention things being unpredictable and that sometimes he treats you well. That may be what they call "intermittent reinforcement". You get crumbs and hope that things will get better/return to the good times that you presumably had earlier on. Was he particularly attentive when you two started out? Have you ever read any articles or books by Shahida Arabi? I would recommend them and see if the behavior resonates with you. It's behavior that I know too well, and what you describe is similar to my experience.

Wishing you the best. Being in a lonely marriage is a terrible feeling.
Very astute points.
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Default May 27, 2019 at 01:26 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
if you diplomatically raise your obs re mood swings, would he be open to going to the doctor? That's as much as any wife could do. if he says no that's his choice/boundary. Then you want to decide what you are/are not willing to tolerate in your future. Did you say this is his second marriage or I am getting mixed up?


He might. I did bring it up to him that I’ve observed mood swings and he acknowledges the issue. Yes, we have both been divorced before and neither wants to go through it again.
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Default May 27, 2019 at 01:27 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Having bipolar myself, I don't necessarily see that all that much in what you describe. Consider too that "moods"/reactions can be used to control others, making you fall into line with what he wants. (I have personally experienced this.) He does sound rather controlling and isolating. You mention things being unpredictable and that sometimes he treats you well. That may be what they call "intermittent reinforcement". You get crumbs and hope that things will get better/return to the good times that you presumably had earlier on. Was he particularly attentive when you two started out? Have you ever read any articles or books by Shahida Arabi? I would recommend them and see if the behavior resonates with you. It's behavior that I know too well, and what you describe is similar to my experience.


Wishing you the best. Being in a lonely marriage is a terrible feeling.


Thank you for this insight. I’ll check out those readings you suggested.
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Default May 28, 2019 at 06:16 AM
  #24
It does sound like your husband has issues (don't most of us). I am sure your situation is much different than mine and wouldn't want to come to any conclusions from a few threads though I do think there is a small possibility that when others (your husband and people at work) misbehave, you tend to ask yourself--what did I do to cause them to behave this way? Many times, it has nothing to do with us. That you react is human and understandable. Plus, couples can get in negative reinforcement cycles when we don't address what is bugging us in a forthrite way (not dismissing the other person's feelings even if we disagree).

I know there are narcissists in society that cause people everywhere problems. However, in my case, as someone who has alot of anxiety and occassional paranoia (the paranoia is based on rational facts but then I let my imagination take it too far)--I have read these articles about narcissism and it has worsened my paranoia--I will even diagnose myself as a narcissist yet my children, therapists, etc will say I am the opposite of one. Most of us have a little bit of narcissism in us. I like getting my hair done, putting on makeup, wearing nice clothes, getting compliments and have terrible boundaries (both in terms of letting people violate mine and me sometimes violating theirs) so I am somewhere on the scale. People who rate a 9 or 10 in narcissism (especially if they don't temper their tendencies by adhering to a moral code) are the ones you have to go no contact with. Saying this, I want to say that I have experieced terrifying fear of some of my family members and when my anxiety calms down, I realize some of it wasn't rational. It was based on a grain of truth--my husband has followed my threads on PC many times. I was even able to get him to admit it--so there are things he does that stokes my anxiety. He has told me that many of the controlling things he has done to his family are to protect us. I think he has anxiety too and won't admit it. Sometimes he has been controlling to the point of harming us. I know his motive was that he knows best (as in what would be good and safe for us). Despite how annoying (to say the least) these behaviors are--I love him and need him.

You probably have much better judgement than I do, but for some reason, just wanted to tell you about the struggles I have had about my husband's behaviors. Most of the time, our gut tell us the truth about others unless our anxiety is so out of control that we see boogeymen around every corner.
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Default May 28, 2019 at 07:01 AM
  #25
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
It does sound like your husband has issues (don't most of us). I am sure your situation is much different than mine and wouldn't want to come to any conclusions from a few threads though I do think there is a small possibility that when others (your husband and people at work) misbehave, you tend to ask yourself--what did I do to cause them to behave this way? Many times, it has nothing to do with us. That you react is human and understandable. Plus, couples can get in negative reinforcement cycles when we don't address what is bugging us in a forthrite way (not dismissing the other person's feelings even if we disagree).


I know there are narcissists in society that cause people everywhere problems. However, in my case, as someone who has alot of anxiety and occassional paranoia (the paranoia is based on rational facts but then I let my imagination take it too far)--I have read these articles about narcissism and it has worsened my paranoia--I will even diagnose myself as a narcissist yet my children, therapists, etc will say I am the opposite of one. Most of us have a little bit of narcissism in us. I like getting my hair done, putting on makeup, wearing nice clothes, getting compliments and have terrible boundaries (both in terms of letting people violate mine and me sometimes violating theirs) so I am somewhere on the scale. People who rate a 9 or 10 in narcissism (especially if they don't temper their tendencies by adhering to a moral code) are the ones you have to go no contact with. Saying this, I want to say that I have experieced terrifying fear of some of my family members and when my anxiety calms down, I realize some of it wasn't rational. It was based on a grain of truth--my husband has followed my threads on PC many times. I was even able to get him to admit it--so there are things he does that stokes my anxiety. He has told me that many of the controlling things he has done to his family are to protect us. I think he has anxiety too and won't admit it. Sometimes he has been controlling to the point of harming us. I know his motive was that he knows best (as in what would be good and safe for us). Despite how annoying (to say the least) these behaviors are--I love him and need him.


You probably have much better judgement than I do, but for some reason, just wanted to tell you about the struggles I have had about my husband's behaviors. Most of the time, our gut tell us the truth about others unless our anxiety is so out of control that we see boogeymen around every corner.


You’re right, most of us have issues... and in most cases our issues fall somewhere on some scale or spectrum. I think it helps me to view my husband as struggling with issues in just the same way I do... or any of us here on PC do. I think that’s pretty much what you’re saying.... he does a lot of good things but his moods do negatively affect my life. But you being up a good point about whether my reaction is proportional to the actual behavior or outburst. Sometimes I’m able to ignore things and sometimes I’m not. I have long believed some of his behaviors are a bit narcissistic... but, like you, at times I have worried that I am also a narcissist. I think I have, at one time or other, worried that I have every personality disorder out there. Lol. Thank you for taking the time to post your perspective. I really appreciate it. I’ll keep working on myself... yes, when other people misbehave I automatically look to myself to be the scapegoat. I put myself in the role... gotta work on that. Thank you. Marriage worse than I thought?
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