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Default May 21, 2019 at 09:21 PM
  #1
My new friend recently asked me a specific private question about my family.

She was treating me to lunch so I felt obligated to answer and now I regret it.

Since I am working on assertiveness, I would have said "I don't feel comfortable discussing it" had it been under different circumstances.

But I felt rude for getting treated and declining her request for an answer (I'm never taking up her offer for something nice like this again, even if she insists).

Can anyone else relate? Have you ever felt obligated to do something uncomfortable for someone when that person displays generosity towards you?
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Default May 21, 2019 at 11:04 PM
  #2
I wonder why your new friend asked you a specific private question about your family. Were you talking about your family with this person already? Or did they ask you this question out of context?

Did you tell her that her question made you feel awkward? I've done that with people, who've asked me questions I felt were none of their business. If I don't want to answer, I just tell them, "I don't feel comfortable talking about that."

Does she know that you are a very private person who doesn't like to talk about your personal life? I would mention that to her. There's nothing wrong with setting up boundaries early on with new friends. It helps them understand what your lines are; what not to cross, what's ok. It's perfectly acceptable to casually mention, "You know, I'm a private person. I don't really like to discuss my family with people." You don't even have to apologize to them for it. It's your life, after all.

I've struggled with codependency my entire life, so I can relate. I used to be much more of a doormat until a few years ago when I realized that if I don't set my boundaries, people will walk all over me and think it's ok unless I tell them what is and isn't ok with me. Just think of it this way: people will only go as far as you let them...most of the time. You have to draw the line for them sometimes or they won't know how far they can go.
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Default May 21, 2019 at 11:11 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
Have you ever felt obligated to do something uncomfortable for someone when that person displays generosity towards you?
Yes, and in much bigger ways than answering an unpleasant question, but also with answering unpleasant questions the way you felt forced to do.

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Default May 22, 2019 at 05:35 AM
  #4
I do feel an element of I have to be nice to someone because they do something nice for me.

Do you think this friend had ulterior motives to get this information from you?

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Default May 22, 2019 at 10:26 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
I wonder why your new friend asked you a specific private question about your family. Were you talking about your family with this person already? Or did they ask you this question out of context?
She's been over-sharing information to me about her private life/ family, even though I never asked for it, and I don't know her that well.

And the question came in the form of "So, what about you/ your family?"

I think she felt entitled to know about me, like "give and take," but I never asked for her information.

She was treating me to lunch so it was hard for me to tell her that I don't want to hear about her personal problems again. I just know to never take up her offer to treat me to lunch again, even if she insists.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 10:47 AM
  #6
The thing is that once you share your private stuff, you are giving another person information they can use against you. You do have to be careful what you tell another person, you don't even really know this person really. Rule of thumb is don't say anything you don't want repeated.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 01:26 PM
  #7
Interesting post and topic Ennie. Sorry you were uncomfortable. Here's a thought for you, it may sound extreme but I find it helps me. I don't accept treats or favors or anything from others unless I know them really well and feel safe and respected in the relationship. For me, trust is earned not immediate. That works both ways. I don't expect anyone to immediately trust me either. That's not the same as hypervigilance and living each day assuming that everyone is untrustworthy....I've been there in the past! That's no fun and not the path to peace either. At this point in my life, after having met so many different sorts of people I believe that most humans have good intentions. Most people are trying to be decent though they will make mistakes at times. And decent is very different from perfect The people with cruel intentions are an extreme minority of our species. That's my view though others don't have to agree with me

You had every right to decline answering the Q even though she treated you. That said, I completely understand your discomfort. Boundaries are tricky for most of us....I find them difficult myself particularly as I grew up in a family where the concept of a boundary was remote and nebulous at best!

I also recommend not speculating about why she asked the question/her motivation etc. It could have been completely innocent. Your title suggests that perhaps she only bought you lunch in order to pry into your personal life.
That would be a leap. People ask Qs for all sorts of reasons. Lots of people have asked me questions I did not wish to be asked....then when I gently said I was not willing to discuss that, they left it alone. It's rare that someone would keep pushing when we draw the line and if they do, then we have enough info to know that we cannot trust that person. Sorry if I misunderstood your post, just wanted to mention that she may not have had bad intentions.

As I said, it may help you to not accept (or indeed not offer) treats or favors until you have established your safety and respect in the relationship. I find that helps me. And yes, a treat is a treat...it does not authorize a person to pry

Last edited by Anonymous44076; May 22, 2019 at 01:43 PM..
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Default May 22, 2019 at 04:35 PM
  #8
You don’t have to answer questions, you could politely decline. It could be hard but you don’t have to disclose.

I wonder if there was a reason that she treated you and you accepted. Your birthday? Celebrating award you got? A date? Her thanking you for a favor you did to her? You are her guest from out of town? You two taking turns treating each other rather than splitting bills?

I can’t think of any other valid reason for friends to treat me for lunch. Especially if I don’t know that person for too long at all. How “new” is this friend?
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Default May 22, 2019 at 10:23 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
You don’t have to answer questions, you could politely decline. It could be hard but you don’t have to disclose.

I wonder if there was a reason that she treated you and you accepted. Your birthday? Celebrating award you got? A date? Her thanking you for a favor you did to her? You are her guest from out of town? You two taking turns treating each other rather than splitting bills?

I can’t think of any other valid reason for friends to treat me for lunch. Especially if I don’t know that person for too long at all. How “new” is this friend?
I know her for less than 6 month now through work. She just wanted to do lunch together and wanted to treat me. I will not take up her offer again.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 10:32 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
I also recommend not speculating about why she asked the question/her motivation etc. It could have been completely innocent. Your title suggests that perhaps she only bought you lunch in order to pry into your personal life.
Thank you SilverTrees.

I don't know her well enough to know her motives. I titled the thread strings attached because it wasn't just about having a casual, nice lunch/ good time hanging out like I thought it would be. I really didn't want to give away personal information about my family to her but felt pressured because she was treating me. I will decline her offer next time.
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Default May 22, 2019 at 11:57 PM
  #11
I think you could certainly have lunch with her again some time if you feel like it. If again, the conversation turns to serious or uncomfortable topics, you could try a large shift to something entirely different (such as films or books) or simply say: "I'd like to just enjoy a nice lunch and chat about light topics." You could pay this time to return the favor or each pay your own way. There's more than one way to move forward. You didn't do anything wrong Ennie. You are good
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Default May 23, 2019 at 05:54 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
I know her for less than 6 month now through work. She just wanted to do lunch together and wanted to treat me. I will not take up her offer again.
Absolutely no need to stop going out with friends. I was just puzzled why would she treat you. I think when you go out again, you offer to treat her, then it’s even. After that you can start splitting a bill. I’d not stop being friends because she asked you a private question once.
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