advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Anonymous49235
Guest
Anonymous49235 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 23, 2019 at 08:32 PM
  #21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nammu View Post
You are not the center of the universe. What goes on with other people most likely has nothing to do with you. He was having a bad day and you made it worse by personalizing his behavior and yelled at him. Totally unprofessional. It's not about you. Boundaries!
But how am I supposed to know that? How do I know when people being pissed has nothing to do with me? And how do I know if they’re even mad at all?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076

advertisement
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 23, 2019 at 08:33 PM
  #22
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby2011 View Post
Yes. And Most of the time he doesn’t get mad. But this time he was and he lied his *** off about it.
If most of the time he's okay I think you have two options....

1. gently ask him if you misunderstood or if there's a problem

2. leave it there and start afresh

Just one more thought....how do you know he's lying? You're not in his head right? I think there is more than one way to interpret this situation.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 23, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #23
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby2011 View Post
But how am I supposed to know that? How do I know when people being pissed has nothing to do with me? And how do I know if they’re even mad at all?
Good question. All you can do is ask a person and see what happens.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Nammu
Crone
 
Nammu's Avatar
Nammu has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 70,968 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
53.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 23, 2019 at 08:53 PM
  #24
It's a very safe assumption that we are not the center of other people's world. That what they do has very little to do with us.

Even if he was mad at you yelling at him was not the right response, he is your supervisor. If you asked him if he was mad and he said no then accept that, you can not know what other people are thinking or feeling and you don't have to know. . You can say in a natural voice that you feel he is angry. But if the person denied it then there's nothing you can do but accept that they are having a bad day and stay out of their way.

__________________
Nammu
…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann



Nammu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
lizardlady, Middlemarcher
eskielover
Legendary Wise Elder
 
eskielover's Avatar
eskielover has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,701 (SuperPoster!)
15 yr Member
14.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 23, 2019 at 09:18 PM
  #25
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby2011 View Post
That's how he said it anyway. He denied being mad today until I yelled. But if he wasn't actually mad, why did he act like he was? He wasn't ever mad the last time I worked with him. Today, the minute I arrived, he was already mad. And then lied about it.
Maybe he was upset about something long before you arrived. You didn't see him before you arrived so how do you know he wasn't already like that before you got there?

I could be upset about something & it comes across just in how I am at that time....& it doesn't mean I am mad at anyone. When I was mad about something at home it was difficult to put aside those feelings when I got to work & if I seemed angry it sure wasn't because of anyone at work.

DON'T EVER YELL at your boss. He has a right to be angry at you for doing that. Totally inappropriate behavior on your part no matter how you felt he was feeling.

Also you are working for them. Your presence does not depend on if you just FEEL like coming in later. Working means BEING RESPONSIBLE for meeting THEIR schedule not yours. You want to be a mature responsible adult you are going to have to learn to act like one.

__________________


Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
eskielover is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
lizardlady
seesaw
Human
 
seesaw's Avatar
seesaw grieving
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,341 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,262 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 23, 2019 at 11:16 PM
  #26
Ruby, is this at the same job where you were recently sent home after sending a customer to a kiosk and then arguing with the manager and then going over their head? I ask because lots of problematic behavior can lead to being fired. I know if I yelled at my supervisor...well, I'm sure there would be disciplinary action.

Regardless of the reason, yelling in the workplace is not acceptable. It doesn't matter if you were upset. It doesn't matter if he was being standoffish to you because he was in a bad mood. It sounds like your supervisor was in a bad mood, and you equated that to being mad at you, even though he said he's not. You're trying to read people's minds and that never works out. If someone says they aren't mad at you, then all you can do is take them at face value and believe them. If they appear to be in a bad mood, then let them be in a bad mood. It's not your mood to manage, it's theirs. It seems you often worry too much about what others are thinking and doing and not focusing on what you are thinking and doing. I think it would be really good for you, the next time you are worried if someone is mad at you or anything similar to say to yourself "what is my job today?" and focus yourself on that. You're kind of embroiling yourself in drama and creating problems that don't need to be created by worrying about things that aren't yours to worry about. It really doesn't matter if he's mad at you or anyone else. That is for him to deal with. It was okay to ask, since you sensed he was in a bad mood, and obviously if he was mad at you, you'd want to find out why and if you need to do anything to address it. But after that, you have to drop it and let it go.

I work with many people, and we do try to be open if we're experiencing something but if someone communicates something to me, I don't read into it. If I get a short response, I don't read into that person being mad at me. Most of the time they're just going through email quickly and don't have much time to reply other than yes/no, thx. No small talk. I used to read into it that ppl were being short with me. Now I just go by the mantra that if someone has something they need to address with me then they will. I won't carry their moods or problems in my head for them. And I won't worry about it before it happens, because there's nothing I can do. Not all work places as so honest and open as ours, but still, you asked, he answered, the thing to do would have been let him have his bad mood, and believe him that it didn't have anything to do with you. What it sounds like happened is that you didn't believe him, and therefore retaliated with a poor attitude. You can't let other people's moods affect yours.

So, to answer the thread question: the best way to know if someone is mad at you is to ask. If they say no, then leave it alone. It's not your job to read their mind. If they are lying and are mad at you, then they are manipulating and it's not your job to deal with their emotions. If they say yes, then ask how you can resolve it. If they say no and appear to be upset, and it's appropriate, ask if there's anything you can do because they seem not as their usual self, as another poster mentioned.

But in general, at work, just focus on yourself and your job.

__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
seesaw is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
lizardlady
~Christina
Legendary Wise Elder
Community Liaison
 
~Christina's Avatar
~Christina has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 22,450 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
12.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 23, 2019 at 11:31 PM
  #27
Yelling at your boss is a sure way to get fired. My father told me before my first job decades ago. Go to work on time. Do your job , don’t get into other people’s business, say please and thank you. Be glad you have a job and a Check to cash every week, and put 25% of that in savings every week. He was a very wise man. He was a boss with at least 25 people working under him, who would he promote ? Yes .... the employee that came to work and did there job consistently.

__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~
~Christina is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
lizardlady
Anonymous49235
Guest
Anonymous49235 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 24, 2019 at 12:30 AM
  #28
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
If most of the time he's okay I think you have two options....

1. gently ask him if you misunderstood or if there's a problem

2. leave it there and start afresh

Just one more thought....how do you know he's lying? You're not in his head right? I think there is more than one way to interpret this situation.
How do I know? By his actions. He needed someone to come in during breakfast and I did. The minute I went in, it’s like I didn’t exist. I never knew why. If he weren’t mad at that time, then why did he treat me that way for my entire shift?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 24, 2019 at 12:51 AM
  #29
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby2011 View Post
How do I know? By his actions. He needed someone to come in during breakfast and I did. The minute I went in, it’s like I didn’t exist. I never knew why. If he weren’t mad at that time, then why did he treat me that way for my entire shift?
Were you wanting him to thank you for coming in early? Was that the issue? Can you be really specific about what you expected and what did/did not happen? That helps me to think of ideas or ways forward.

Yes, he may have been angry that whole shift. But perhaps the anger was not related to you. Is that possible Ruby?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous49235
Guest
Anonymous49235 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 24, 2019 at 04:40 AM
  #30
He treated a handful of others better than me. They weren’t invisible like me.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 24, 2019 at 05:16 AM
  #31
Ruby, you've been given a lot of great advice already. IF others, including your supervisor, are sometimes angry with you yet not telling you, why do you think that would be?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous49235
Guest
Anonymous49235 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 24, 2019 at 05:40 AM
  #32
I have no idea and when I asked him what I did wrong, he told me I didn't do anything wrong.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
littleblackdog
Member
littleblackdog has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 189
5 yr Member
11 hugs
given
Default May 24, 2019 at 05:54 AM
  #33
If he asked you to come in early then presumably something had gone wrong, which is why he needed to call you in? This could be why he was in a bad mood, or he could have just woken up in a bad mood. It does not have to be about you, some people just take their bad moods out on others, it doesn't mean that they have done anything wrong.
If he said that he wasn't angry at you, or that you hadn't done anything wrong then why wouldn't you believe him? He is unlikely to be playing mind games with you, he is likely to have just been in a bad mood.

However, yelling at your supervisor is never ok. No matter how much you think they deserve it, and I am not surprised that you were sent home.

Turning up late just to get some kind of revenge is petty, will mean that other colleagues will have to be called in/stay late to cover for you and is likely to get you into a whole lot more trouble
littleblackdog is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
WishfulThinker66
Anonymous40643
Guest
Anonymous40643 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 24, 2019 at 06:09 AM
  #34
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby2011 View Post
I have no idea and when I asked him what I did wrong, he told me I didn't do anything wrong.
Then you leave it at that. If you ask, and the answer is no, then take it at face value and for what it's worth.

As I had advised before, and as others have advised too, best to just focus on doing a good job at work and not getting involved in interpersonal dramas.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default May 26, 2019 at 12:07 AM
  #35
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby2011 View Post
He treated a handful of others better than me. They weren’t invisible like me.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm not understanding, Ruby, but do you think you can break down exactly why you felt invisible. Describe what you saw and heard rather than what you felt. Does that make sense? You said he treated others better than you....what made you say that? Was he doing something in their company and not doing it in your company.....or was he doing something in your company and not doing it in their company?

See what I mean? If you can be really specific regarding the actions you did or did not experience (instead of feelings) then maybe I can help you with some ideas for moving forward.

For example, an action could be "my boss bought everyone a cup of coffee that morning and did not buy me a cup of coffee"
or "my boss would not allow me to take a break that day but my co-workers got breaks"
Those are actions.
"I was invisible compared to the others" is a feeling.

Does this make sense?

  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
eskielover
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 26, 2019 at 06:56 AM
  #36
A lot of people in this thread have given you good suggestions. What I keep seeing is people telling you to stop worrying about what your boss may be thinking, stop internalizing his feelings, stop guessing at his motivations and stop trying to get him to explain himself. It doesnt matter if he was mad at you or not. It doesnt matter if his energy or vibe made you feel like he was angry. He said he wasnt mad at you and that is all that matters. You do not need to be guessing what he really means or feels. You have to go with what he said. Yelling at him because you think he is really mad at you did not help things and will not make it easier in the future. He called you in early and you do not need to know why and he doesnt need to praise you for coming in early. You said you would, and did come in early and that is all that matters.

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
WishfulThinker66
Magnate
 
WishfulThinker66's Avatar
WishfulThinker66 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,285
5 yr Member
117 hugs
given
Default May 26, 2019 at 02:18 PM
  #37
As another poster pointed out requiring you to come in early is an indication the shift was short handed and very stressed. I too believe it was this that was causing your supervisor to be upset.

I've a few more thoughts you must absolutely consider....

Everything is not a response to you. Just because the person was mad didn't mean you caused it. You do yourself a disservice to assume everything is about you I'm being honest here - and this is why you find yourself in trouble and difficulty all the time

You need also to keep your behaviour in check. You can't be so reactionary all the time. Before you act and react you need to pause and ask yourself if you are doing the correct thing.

Ruby this is really crucial if you want to advance in your career.
WishfulThinker66 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous45634
Guest
Anonymous45634 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 09, 2019 at 07:51 PM
  #38
HOW did he treat others better then you?

when you yell at a manager..that is a sure way to get unemployed fast. you applied to be a manager....this shows me you are not ready to be in that position yet.

who cares why he is in a bad mood. maybe he & his wife had a fight, the dog pooped in the house, check engine light went on in the car, maybe he didn't think he had to call anyone in but was told to, what ever the reason....it's his call. by you stressing over it it makes you look worse. come to work. do your job. go home. no drama. none. period.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous49235
Guest
Anonymous49235 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 09, 2019 at 07:57 PM
  #39
Quote:
Originally Posted by resurgam View Post
HOW did he treat others better then you?

when you yell at a manager..that is a sure way to get unemployed fast. you applied to be a manager....this shows me you are not ready to be in that position yet.

who cares why he is in a bad mood. maybe he & his wife had a fight, the dog pooped in the house, check engine light went on in the car, maybe he didn't think he had to call anyone in but was told to, what ever the reason....it's his call. by you stressing over it it makes you look worse. come to work. do your job. go home. no drama. none. period.
Joking around with others and not with me lol. But I think I might have a deeper issue that's been lifelong.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous45634
Guest
Anonymous45634 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 09, 2019 at 08:35 PM
  #40
really? joking around with everyone else?

this has been a recurrent issue with you....you have a life coach right? have her coach you & take the advice. or go to work, just do the work & don't interact with anyone. you get yourself in trouble. ...how many times has this been an issue...at some point you need to step up and learn..i know you have behavioral issues but that can only go so far as an excuse. you need to start processing stuff...or they will let you go. some of the things you have said & done would have gotten anyone else fired on the spot already...honestly you are pushing your luck. life coach or not. it is time to grow up, step up and do the job to the same level as the other employees .
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
lizardlady
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:27 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.