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DazedandConfused254
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Default May 23, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #1
I am 24 years old and an only child and for the most part I have a best friend relationship with my parents. They have fueled my wanderlust by booking some memorable vacations but I am becoming increasingly unhappy not with the sights being seen but with the quality of the time that I have with my parents on my trips with them, especially my father or in situations where we go on road trips. My dad does not have a good temper while driving, so even when he doesn’t erupt often, he brings my mom and myself down when he has his moments due to our sensitivity to changing emotions. Most of the time he is enjoyable to be around but on our most recent trip to Hawaii after an off hand comment about a tailgating driver I couldn’t stand to be around him. Other vacations have been poorly planned, like shortly after my doctor parents have had stressful cases at work or when I’m still recovering from the last push to complete my final semesters of school. This stress is often amplified by our desire to see as much as we can on our vacations. It even led to the point of me turning down a couple of trips they invited me to attend with them. Again I have a more than adequate relationship with my parents so thankfully spats don’t happen too often on trips but I fell apart when that conflict on the road in Hawaii sprang up, when I threatened to cease family vacations if my dad couldn’t control his temper. These past couple of years quarrels have become more likely on trips with my parents prepping for retirement from stressful jobs and with me going through a round of toxic relationships and transitions. I’m at a loss though, because many of my friends who I could substitute for my parents have jobs now. When I’ve entertained the thought of romance for the sake of companionship both in general and on future trips, I’ve had no luck. However my parents have applauded my interest in camping and hiking trips which I’ve conducted solo.

I’ve asserted my bounds about random changing emotions from my father and stress arising from doing too much on trips when I’m already burned out but I’m pretty sure my newfound misery of family vacations will become a pattern, which I think already has. But I don’t know if it matters now. I just completed the last of my formal education and want to begin my career as soon as possible so time with my folks will be harder to come by anyway.

Is it time to ditch family vacations?

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Default May 23, 2019 at 08:43 PM
  #2
Maybe take some time away and focus on yourself? You're at an age where that is important for development though there's nothing wrong with continuing family trips if that's what you want.

You said your father just made one offhand comment about a tailgating vehicle but you also implied that he has an unpleasant temper. Can you elaborate on that? The two perceptions seem at odds but I wasn't there...I don't know

And no, there is no age at which it's too old to take a trip with one's family if that's what one wants to do. Only a 20-something would ask that and I mean that in the nicest possible way!
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Default May 23, 2019 at 08:58 PM
  #3
I was an only child too. I wanted to ditch doing anything with my parents from as young as I can remember. Luckily they only vacationed together when I was growing up a few times.

Interesting because I hated going anywhere with them yet after I was married & we bought a ski vacation condo my parents came along every year (they didn't have much money so this gave them a free place to stay). It was actually a fun vacation but I wasn't tied to having to be with them constantly.....but we enjoyed all the local activities around the area.

I think you need to do what is best for you.
With your career starting soon becoming more independent is a good thing.

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Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
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Default May 24, 2019 at 04:13 AM
  #4
Hi @SilverTrees! So good to hear from you. I think about you all the time after the previous threads where you have been so kind as to support me and pour fresh air into my lungs. I totally agree that since I have a hard time constantly being around others in these days and times, I need more space even from those closest to me. I drove halfway across the country by myself after leaving my intern in Cali early so I’ve proven that being more independent in my travels is a possibility

As for my father with his temper it hasn’t been that most recent incident but several where that have made me more uncomfortable on family trips. It’s all understandable because where I live is a wreck right now in the face of historically high population growth but in my minds eye I think his reactions are senseless and overly dramatic. He’s raised his voice on several occasions before at rude drivers and sometimes drives aggressively so my underlying fear of him getting behind the wheel has reached the point where I take over the driving when possible, especially in trips involving my own car. Even outside driving he can be ill tempered when things don’t go his way and he’s also easily stirred with computer work. On other trips both of my parents have been involved in making me uncomfortable. Like one time when I forgot to clean out my shoes after a hike so my mother proceeded to clean my shoes and then played mother of a 5 yo with me by forcing a thank you out of me even before I could muster the phrase out. On my most recent trip my mother also accused me of having a bad temper; it was just me experiencing a fight or flight response after
my dads angry moment, no big deal. I couldve handled the situation differently, because in my vulnerable moment when I was afraid to talk about that problem with my father I raised my voice for the first time in several years. My mother seems hypocritical, because I’ve seen her snap at my dad and she’s one of the most stoic people I know. Another trip when I unexpectedly dealt with a group project during a trip I was in a high pressure situation so of course I was uptight but then my parents wanted me to stuff any visible signs of being frustrated, even though these expressions were less extreme and frequent than my fathers. The trip where this incident happened was bad anyway because everyone was stressed from work and renovations to our house. This was also the case when my folks accompanied me to my intern to California and I was also not feeling like my usual self out of anxiety about the intern. These events led to my non involvement in a trip they invited me to last summer. All of this proves that people except for PC even in my closest sphere can’t be trusted, and are only out to deceive me that they will be good listeners, or supportive but end up teasing me and playing games anyway. Also proof I’m not deserving of any intimate relationships whatsoever; my life-hiccups will be exploited in the end.

Hope this isn’t too long for you!

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Default May 24, 2019 at 04:27 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
I was an only child too. I wanted to ditch doing anything with my parents from as young as I can remember. Luckily they only vacationed together when I was growing up a few times.

Interesting because I hated going anywhere with them yet after I was married & we bought a ski vacation condo my parents came along every year (they didn't have much money so this gave them a free place to stay). It was actually a fun vacation but I wasn't tied to having to be with them constantly.....but we enjoyed all the local activities around the area.

I think you need to do what is best for you.
With your career starting soon becoming more independent is a good thing.
Hi Eskie! I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with your interactions with family because you relate to my desire to be more healthily independent with my parental units. Interesting to hear your experiences and to hear that you got even closer with your folks even in major life transitions like marriage. My parents are the opposite. My parents have much more time off due to their jobs allowing more time off so my parents have been much more involved in my life. It’s been a mixed bag since they’ve supported me at crucial times but have also been slower to wean me off, including on how we use our spare time. Everybody’s situation is different. On the bright side in your life you’ve proved your balanced independence of your time and resources quickly which is very encouraging! Maybe keeping a busier schedule (albeit with the activities we love) like getting a new job ASAP is a good plan!

PS I love your signature. I’m sorry and saddened to hear about your loss, and have thought about you and your loved one since. I’m a huge dog person so I equate them to family members and then some!

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"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Default May 24, 2019 at 08:12 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
Hi Eskie! I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with your interactions with family because you relate to my desire to be more healthily independent with my parental units. Interesting to hear your experiences and to hear that you got even closer with your folks even in major life transitions like marriage. My parents are the opposite. My parents have much more time off due to their jobs allowing more time off so my parents have been much more involved in my life. It’s been a mixed bag since they’ve supported me at crucial times but have also been slower to wean me off, including on how we use our spare time. Everybody’s situation is different. On the bright side in your life you’ve proved your balanced independence of your time and resources quickly which is very encouraging! Maybe keeping a busier schedule (albeit with the activities we love) like getting a new job ASAP is a good plan!

PS I love your signature. I’m sorry and saddened to hear about your loss, and have thought about you and your loved one since. I’m a huge dog person so I equate them to family members and then some!
Growing my, my mom didn't work but she didn't drive either so I felt basically trapped at home unless neighborhood kids parents drove somewhere.. My dad worked nights because it paid more money. So when I was home to need driven anywhere he wasn't home. I am not even sure where I got it in my mind when I was that young that because I was their only child they were going to try to keep me their baby all my life. Probably heard the thought somewhere then observed their behavior & fought it from as far back as I can remember. I knew my education was my ticket out of a life like theirs so I focused on school from the beginning. Kinda strange to know how I felt & what I was fighting against without knowing the origin of the thinking.

My dad didn't think I should go to college so I went & paid for it myself. Went to local college & then the university. Lol...they were proud when I graduated & had a computer engineering career.

It was hard being a rebel. I fought against my parents all my growing up years...& I thought & handled myself so different than they did but their lack of self confidence did have it's effects on me. I felt sheltered only because growing up there was no way out. But I always recall thinking " what I learned from my parents is what I don't want to be like"

After all that & getting married & having our daughter 10 months before getting my degree my parents stepped up & took care of her so I could finish my degree & have my career. They had matured a lot since being my parents. My mom learned to drive & actually got a part time job. My dad even mellowed a bit but still I am sure he was on the autistic spectrum.

Looking back I think fighting for independence just causes major stress I never realized at the time.....but claiming it is important. Lol....the movie "Failure to Launch" always comes to mind when I think of the struggle. Parents & family support is important but I always looked at my job as a parent to teach my daughter skills for her to have an independent life.

I guess my independent spirit has paid off. My dad died years before my mom. My mom died in 2005 & I left my bad marriage of 33 years & bought a little farm with my inheritance 2100 miles from where I had lived all my life. Moved to a state & little town where I knew no one. I have developed many wonderful friendships & have better supportive people around me than ever before in my life. I am glad that I had the good times with my parents after I was married even with their quirky behaviors.

Lol....I look back & my mom always acted like her parents child when she was around them & the saying "you will always be our little girl" made my hair crawl. Lol....guess in reality I never stayed that little girl ever but they realized they could enjoy me for who I was not what they wanted me to be.

Finding the balance can be a challenge & is even harder living at home & going to college. Things in life seem to just be taken care of by someone else.....adding those things into one's schedule when on one's own is a learning curve also.

Lol....enough of my life reflecting on what I learned from my experiences. I am sure you will find YOUR family balance. Just takes time to evolve when you are in a healthy family environment

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Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
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Default May 24, 2019 at 03:51 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
Hi @SilverTrees! So good to hear from you. I think about you all the time after the previous threads where you have been so kind as to support me and pour fresh air into my lungs. I totally agree that since I have a hard time constantly being around others in these days and times, I need more space even from those closest to me. I drove halfway across the country by myself after leaving my intern in Cali early so I’ve proven that being more independent in my travels is a possibility

As for my father with his temper it hasn’t been that most recent incident but several where that have made me more uncomfortable on family trips. It’s all understandable because where I live is a wreck right now in the face of historically high population growth but in my minds eye I think his reactions are senseless and overly dramatic. He’s raised his voice on several occasions before at rude drivers and sometimes drives aggressively so my underlying fear of him getting behind the wheel has reached the point where I take over the driving when possible, especially in trips involving my own car. Even outside driving he can be ill tempered when things don’t go his way and he’s also easily stirred with computer work. On other trips both of my parents have been involved in making me uncomfortable. Like one time when I forgot to clean out my shoes after a hike so my mother proceeded to clean my shoes and then played mother of a 5 yo with me by forcing a thank you out of me even before I could muster the phrase out. On my most recent trip my mother also accused me of having a bad temper; it was just me experiencing a fight or flight response after
my dads angry moment, no big deal. I couldve handled the situation differently, because in my vulnerable moment when I was afraid to talk about that problem with my father I raised my voice for the first time in several years. My mother seems hypocritical, because I’ve seen her snap at my dad and she’s one of the most stoic people I know. Another trip when I unexpectedly dealt with a group project during a trip I was in a high pressure situation so of course I was uptight but then my parents wanted me to stuff any visible signs of being frustrated, even though these expressions were less extreme and frequent than my fathers. The trip where this incident happened was bad anyway because everyone was stressed from work and renovations to our house. This was also the case when my folks accompanied me to my intern to California and I was also not feeling like my usual self out of anxiety about the intern. These events led to my non involvement in a trip they invited me to last summer. All of this proves that people except for PC even in my closest sphere can’t be trusted, and are only out to deceive me that they will be good listeners, or supportive but end up teasing me and playing games anyway. Also proof I’m not deserving of any intimate relationships whatsoever; my life-hiccups will be exploited in the end.

Hope this isn’t too long for you!
Not too long, Dazed and Confused. Thank you for your kind words

This is the most important thing you said (imo)
"All of this proves that people except for PC even in my closest sphere can’t be trusted, and are only out to deceive me that they will be good listeners, or supportive but end up teasing me and playing games anyway. Also proof I’m not deserving of any intimate relationships whatsoever; my life-hiccups will be exploited in the end. "

I think there's a bit of a cognitive leap here. Sure, take time away/increase distance from your parents. Sounds like they are not great with honoring your boundaries and autonomy. That was likely due to how they were parented and their own stress levels rather than intentional mind games. In their minds, they may even think they are being supportive even when that's not your reality.

You have no proof that you are not deserving of intimate relationships. That's false. I correct you there out of care and regard, not to criticize you. You are arriving at that conclusion because you've experienced a pattern of people not appreciating you and not allowing you to have your own thoughts and feelings. Including your parents. That is understandably unpleasant and disheartening for you. And downright confusing at times I am sure (Been there myself). But I recommend not leaping to assertions about your worth. People being less than supportive or understanding is NOT a reflection of your character or worth. it is a reflection of their character based on their life experiences and early parental teaching. is this making any sense to you?

Start telling yourself you are intrinsically worthy of peace, joy, and unconditional love. Write it down each day. Say it out loud somewhere safe to yourself at least once a day. Body, mind, and spirit respond to such messages....they will respond accordingly in ways you will appreciate in time. Tell them the opposite, as I quoted you above, and they will also respond....illness, depression, anxiety, decreased hope and passion, unstable relationships etc. Very important to talk to yourself in the right direction if you see what I mean.

I have some further ideas for you from someone much wiser than myself if you are interested. I don't like to overstep or bombard people.

Please don't do a number on yourself. Tell yourself good and kind things. You deserve no less. Unfortunately, many parents simply don't know how to parent in healthy and supportive ways because that is not how they were parented....and so the cycle repeats. Check out the patterns of posts here on PC. The folks struggling with self-hatred and lack of self-esteem....did any of them also post about warm, nurturing parents with good boundaries...parents who accepted and appreciated them as they were? Unlikely.

I continue to believe in you and wish you well. Do something nice for yourself today.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 12:30 PM
  #8
@SilverTrees You’re so welcome. Your posts are empowering and encouraging in every possible way! Like I said I love hearing from you and don’t consider anything too overboard to read through! I look through your posts very frequently. I can use all of the help I can get but as far as I’m concerned you’re wise and almost revolutionary in my ways of thinking as it is already!

I agree with your observations of what is going on in my family. They have sometimes taught me to be my own advocate in situations that call for it, like asking for help when I needed it in school and thriving with my niches and passion, but as you have pointed out, they have not been adequate in recognizing my feelings and worldview as belonging to me alone. I share many of the same musical, film tastes and some hobbies as my parents but I also have unique spins on these interests. My parents are solely rock n rollers and I love the same music they do, but I also like soul, classic rock, country and reggae to name a few. I’m a musical chameleon! But other differences are more differentiated. With my parents being doctors they can jump to a conclusion like a diagnosis or a pharmaceutical recommendation, while I like to learn more deeply about a situation more than what is happening superficially. Hard cases at work show how much selflessness a doc needs in every day life but it sometimes extends to my private life, so boundaries on what can be tolerated or not have sometimes been leaky. My folks are nearing retirement anyway with increasingly difficult changes in workflow so my parents are understandably stressed and don’t leave their frustrations in the office. When my parents have shared experiences of when they were my age, they frequently talked nothing but positive things about their parents and their gifts, but things changed with age. Both my parents had quite the abrupt transition from childhood up to the high school years to a young adult in college; they would often not keep tabs with their family until thanksgiving, Christmas or the end of semesters. That part of their life story has baffled, but that’s something I can dig deeper into. My parents are not as bad as some “helicopter parents” that are more common in my generation but they sure have had those tendencies early on both in early childhood and beyond but my instincts tell me that maybe my parents felt alone and confused at that same stage that I went though and wanted to possibly reverse that process for me. Maybe that’s explains some of the enmeshment of my parents problem solving and attitudes? We learn something new every day! The wealth of helpful people I’ve met on PC with similar experiences have brought me out of my shell.

Everything you have mentioned about being deserving of love is making perfect sense and is further reinforcing encouraging words over my spirit that is longing to hear it. I guess this is a reminder also that another persons bad behavior is not entirely my fault. It has been very disheartening to experience the worst possible luck in many of my social efforts but I do need a more concentrated focus on the people who matter the most and those who know me best, allowing me to reconnect with those who truly appreciate me and thus are friends. I have posed the question on me being unlovable to several of my family members and closest friends and they all have failed to prove I wasn’t worthy of love or respect, so that further seals things. All of my insecurities about relationships have stemmed from some pretty toxic social groups and a stressful intern, so of course I’m at a lower capacity to keeping closer relationships but weeding out superficial relationships has really done the trick. But an incident like my recent quarrel packed with my social trauma could easily turn away anybody faster than I attracted someone. I don’t think I’ll ever shake off the fear that people only expect happy unicorns and rainbows and anything less than that makes me undesirable. I don’t know if this is my history speaking or not but often in my experience people expect you to keep a happy face every second of the day to conform to a generation of people where there is never such thing as problems or strife. And one meltdown, one socially awkward moment or thing going wrong can make or break. Even then people just like using each other for happiness in a moment and then forget about their “friend” almost in the same day of introducing themselves. And that’s what hinders me from being comfortable with relationships with anybody, family, close friends, hypothetical romance and the like.

At least your posts are giving me an ice breaker and reminding me of all my positive characteristics! I believe in what you are saying because you also believe in me.

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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Default May 25, 2019 at 12:31 PM
  #9
@eskielover: I appreciate you sharing your experiences once again. I love hearing other people’s life stories because everybody has one to tell. So I don’t mind candid posts about those experiences. I think anybody who can share and live out their own life has a gift that can’t be taken away. It’s understandable that such difficult and volatile financial and social environments can leave parents all over their children no matter if the children like it or not. And in my case when those closest to me have seemed to let me down I have too experienced “what can I do to not be like my parents?” I have witnessed a pretty detailed account of how stressful the medical field can be and at least that’s not the path I will follow. I have seen Failure to Launch and loved it for the same reasons that bring so many people here to this forum group! Echoing the same thought about having a unique life story there is no better way of life than to “be yourself” as I’ve learned on previous threads because it’s impossible to live someone else’s life! As you have shown here there is no right or wrong time to embrace autonomy from your family but doing so facilitates that you are a unique and powerful person, and I’m hoping that this growth can turn into an opportunity to help others in this same struggle.

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DX'd Moderate GAD and depression in April 2021. But it is only a part of me, not defining me.

"If you can dream it you can do it!" ~ Walt Disney
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