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missjamie3812
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Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: wisconsin
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Default May 24, 2019 at 03:02 PM
  #1
In the beginning of a new relationship I get very needy of validation and attention. Maybe I choose the wrong men, I have always done so.

But I tend to think of them 24/7 at first and freak out if they don’t text me all the time. I end up spending way too much time thinking about them and worrying that they don’t like me. It’s so stupid because I’m confident in so many other ways but relationships make me freak out.

Any suggestions ?? And I already know that I’m supposed to keep busy and not wait around for them but I do it anyways...
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Default May 24, 2019 at 08:43 PM
  #2
Hello missjamie3812

sorry you are struggling with this. It's a very common attachment issue. Are you open to speaking with a therapist? You could certainly do some reading on the topic but I think it would be more effective for you to work through it with an experienced professional. They are very familiar with attachment concerns; they know what to do.

As a thought exercise, I recommend breaking down this observation about yourself:
But I tend to think of them 24/7 at first and freak out if they don’t text me all the time. I end up spending way too much time thinking about them and worrying that they don’t like me.

Ask yourself, if this man never contacts me again, what would that mean to me? Very specifically. What would the thought or feeling be that I am hoping will not happen?

What if the man "does not like" you? Again...add to that idea....try completing the sentence.: "I am worried that this man will not like me because if he does not like me I will think ___________ or feel ______________"

At some point it will be helpful to consider the men you choose and any patterns but I think first it's good to just start with yourself from scratch. You are dealing with anxiety in these situations right? Anxiety is basically a modern word for fear. So perhaps the most important question is:
What am I afraid of?

When you have that answer, you have your guide for where to start. Though generally I think that's much easier to do and more effective with help from a therapist.

And there are wonderful guided meditations on YouTube to help take the edge off your anxiety in the meantime. You may also want to ask yourself if dating is what you truly want to do right now given the level of anxiety it triggers. Taking a break while you build up your self-esteem doesn't hurt but that is your choice. Only you can answer that.

Peace, hope, and a bright future to you
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Default May 28, 2019 at 06:36 PM
  #3
Yes I am in the same boat. It’s just in the beginning when I fear if they like me or not. It stops when I get over them because they didn’t like me, or they do like me and that anxiety goes away... somewhat. Overall, it’s a problem you must overcome in your own mind, because that’s where it’s happening. Again, I’m in the same exact boat with the keeping myself busy thing... I keep myself busy for hours, getting work don’t, feeling happy about myself, and then I allow myself to go right back into the space where I become anxious about what others (one person) thinks of me. I think it’s because it’s so exciting to be wanted, and it’s fun to do things like this (dating, sex), but it’s not good for you YET. You want it so bad but you know it’s out of your control. For me, I end up sabotaging everything. I think the key is to not care about relationships or sex. It’s fun, exciting, but you can have both those things by yourself. This is something I am trying to understand over and over again as I continue to let myself slip down that rotten cliff. But when I start to form a healthy relationship with myself, satisfy myself sexually ALONE, I start to feel really good about myself. Another key is, focus on yourself to the point where you don’t even want somebody else in the picture. I know it’s scary, but other people will see it and you will stand on top of the cliff instead of sliding down it every time a cute boy seems to be interested in you. You’ll see that you’re happier alone and they have to prove them self to you (work their way up the cliff) so you can stand on top of it together it’s a hard climb but believe me it’s worth it. I haven’t been there yet but it’s a journey we will be taking together. Good luck and stay strong, even when you want to collapse for temporary satisfaction.
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