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TheNightWhistle Nothing but love to give
 
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Default May 24, 2019 at 06:47 PM
  #1
A few months ago, I lost everything. I lost my apartment, my dog, and my relationship with the person I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. We were together for 3 years. I lived with him and another couple, and their constant partying and socializing was sometimes overwhelming for me, so they all agreed that I was a snooze, and no longer had a place there. They didn't want to stay friends and were very difficult about me getting my things back. I honestly did nothing to deserve this. Yes I was quiet but I wasn't a complete pariah. I was still very clean, contributed furniture and took care of the dog every single day, and fell in love with him in the process. Now when I pass them on the street, they're not even able to make eye contact with me, including my ex, and even the dog won't look my way. This was a very heartbreaking experience.

Being out in the world after that made me realize that I actually am a snooze. I get decent grades in school, my job working with autistic kids is kind of crappy, my body is average, and I don't have any particular talent. I have been trying to find love. Unfortunately though, it seems that I'm undesirable. I go on dates with guys, and I get ghosted. I feel like the Amityville Horror house, just ghost after ghost after ghost after ghost...

These experiences reinforce the idea that I did deserve that treatment, and don't deserve to have a happy relationship. On one hand, I feel like a relationship would help me be happier and more confident, and on the other, I feel like I need to be happy and confident to get one. Does anyone know what I should do to proceed before I throw myself off a bridge?

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Default May 24, 2019 at 08:26 PM
  #2
Hello The NightWhistle,

I am so sorry you are in such pain

I don't think you should throw yourself off a bridge for the following reasons:

- you are closer to peace and happiness than you realize...disillusionment is the first stage of a track toward a happier life
- the present does not have to equal the future (though if you jump off a bridge, there's a guarantee of no future)

The most important thing you said (imo) is right here:
"On one hand, I feel like a relationship would help me be happier and more confident, and on the other, I feel like I need to be happy and confident to get one. "

Other people cannot bring us inner peace and true happiness. Why not? Because they cannot delete our unhappy thoughts about our own self.

Reaching out for dates or an loving relationship while inwardly feeling miserable or of no value can lead to one of two outcomes:
1. we appear attractive to someone who responds to their own lack of self-esteem by belittling and abusing their intimate partner
or
2. we repeatedly feel "ghosted" because people with adequate self-esteem are not drawn to someone who is miserable and does not value his/herself

You don't want either outcome, right? So what do you do? Turn the lens of your focus away from the external and point it at yourself. This usually requires support such as with a therapist. That's how I have done it in the past and will be doing it again soon here.

The movies, songs, advertisements unfortunately sell us messages that are false. Other people cannot create happiness for us. We must create it for ourselves and then we can share that happiness with others. The other way around simply does not work and typically causes more misery along the way.

You sound very depressed. That of course is a significant barrier to self-esteem, inner peace, and true happiness. I recommend starting there....what would help to lift that depression? Connection need not be a romantic partner. You could develop a healthy rapport with a therapist as a starting point and the rest will follow.

This thinking
I actually am a snooze. I get decent grades in school, my job working with autistic kids is kind of crappy, my body is average, and I don't have any particular talent.

is a significant source of depression by itself. You are judging, diminishing, and negating everything about yourself. No wonder you feel terrible....any human will feel terrible when they belittle every aspect of themselves and their lives.

Pause. Breathe. Breathe again. Slowly and deeply. Try some guided meditations on youtube for depression and anxiety. Start searching for a therapist. When you feel stronger and a bit more confident, try volunteering for a cause you care about. Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. Not for you and not for me. Slowly, slowly take good care of yourself. You do deserve happiness even when you don't think so
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Default May 26, 2019 at 04:49 PM
  #3
Hi nightwhistle. First off you did not deserve that kind of treatment. Just because you don’t party doesn’t mean you’re a snooze! And being ghosted doesn’t mean you’re boring either. Those people don’t deserve you because they didn’t have the decency to be honest and human with you. Instead they chose to dispense of you in a thoughtless and heartless manner.

Secondly, a relationship will not bring you greater happiness or self confidence. This must come from and be developed within. I always advocate to become happy with yourself and your life first before seeking a new relationship. All too often we look to a relationship to fulfill what is missing in ourselves or our lives.

So my advice is to find your own happiness. Work on building your self confidence. Pursue any interests and goals you may have. Nurture and develop your friendships. Build your life out more so that you do feel happy, all on your own, and so that your life feels meaningful and has purpose.

(((((Hugs))))
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Default Jun 03, 2019 at 07:53 PM
  #4
Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. I understand what you're trying to say. I need to feel good about myself before I can make others feel good but I don't really know where to start. I go to the gym, I'm decently attractive, I'm educated, I try new and spontaneous things whenever I can, and I'm taking steps to bettering my life such as going back to school to do a career change. I don't spend my dates whining and complaining about my life, or putting myself down because if somebody did that on a date with me I probably wouldn't wanna go home with them either. They usually start off well. We tell each other funny stories, do something fun together, maybe even get to the point of kissing and cuddling on a park bench. Eventually, the voice in my mind will tell me things like "you're gonna screw this up, he's way out of your league, you're not funny or interesting, baseline you're trash." It gets louder, then I feel the anxiety bubbling up, and I become very introverted. I need to find the point when this shift happens, so that I can prevent it. Any tips on getting that douchebag in my head to shut up?

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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 04:17 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNightWhistle View Post
Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. I understand what you're trying to say. I need to feel good about myself before I can make others feel good but I don't really know where to start. I go to the gym, I'm decently attractive, I'm educated, I try new and spontaneous things whenever I can, and I'm taking steps to bettering my life such as going back to school to do a career change. I don't spend my dates whining and complaining about my life, or putting myself down because if somebody did that on a date with me I probably wouldn't wanna go home with them either. They usually start off well. We tell each other funny stories, do something fun together, maybe even get to the point of kissing and cuddling on a park bench. Eventually, the voice in my mind will tell me things like "you're gonna screw this up, he's way out of your league, you're not funny or interesting, baseline you're trash." It gets louder, then I feel the anxiety bubbling up, and I become very introverted. I need to find the point when this shift happens, so that I can prevent it. Any tips on getting that douchebag in my head to shut up?
Here are a few thoughts. Just my ideas . You don't have to agree. I respect your autonomy.

First, I am sorry you are in pain. Truly. You have my empathy.

Second, I recommend not calling the voice in your head "douchebag" or the like. Whether you want that voice there or not, he is a part of you. So when you label him negatively, you are punishing a part of yourself. This doesn't help. And leads to more pain. Though I fully understand why you don't want a deeply unpleasant voice in your mind undercutting your efforts to be happy or even just trying to live your life.

What if, you became curious about that voice? Why is he saying such things to me? I am NOT at all suggesting that the voice is right. But perhaps he is an expression of past hurt and trauma? Do you know inner child theory? Is he your inner child? Is he hurt and scared? Is he asking for your help in the only way he knows how? Instead of adding to his hurt by calling him "douchebag" could you try to help him? Offer him gentle, loving kindness?

I don't know if any of that resonates. But I used to be filled with self-loathing when I was younger. Over time, and with help, I learned to love and appreciate myself. Since then, I find that the voice in my mind has changed. Or, my relationship with her has changed in a more tolerable and friendly manner.

I don't know if that helps you. I continue to wish you peace and hope. I think you are onto something important when you analyze that internal voice. But my hunch is that your analysis may be pointed in the wrong direction....maybe try to explore the voice, air it out, let it breathe rather than shutting it up. Ever felt that others tried to "shut" you up? Maybe even someone you were close to? Perhaps that is why you are trying to shut yourself up, in a sense?
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 04:33 PM
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 04:40 PM
  #8
GUIDED MEDITATION - Clearing Negativity
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 04:41 PM
  #9
"I am VULNERABLE" - Guided Meditation
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 04:44 PM
  #10
Here's a very different way to think about negative thoughts....

"My Negative Thoughts Mean I'm Not Making Progress"
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TheNightWhistle
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TheNightWhistle Nothing but love to give
 
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Default Jun 04, 2019 at 11:48 PM
  #11
Thanks so much for all your insight. I did take a lot of abuse from peers growing up, so this voice is probably the same sad and scared little kid that learned that he was the weakest link in the chain from a young age. I guess a part of me is looking for somebody who is going to love me enough to guide that kid into being a stronger, and more confident man. I want somebody who is going to see qualities in me that I can't see in myself, and make me feel lovable. I get how that's a paradox, since nobody wants that responsibility, and I'm a grown *** man who should be able to take care of himself. I haven't looked at the articles and video yet but I'll check them out later. Thanks again.

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