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Default May 24, 2019 at 07:16 PM
  #1
I have had a horrible day. An older male friend that I assist with things told me I was usually just "busy being busy". I have a full/OT time job, a lazy husband when it comes to the home front, a large house full of pets, (TWO of which are HIS that he decided he couldn't care for properly) a yard, HIS house, HIS yard, HIS meds, etc. When I told him I had to get home this evening to take care of the animals, he told me I was just "busy being busy". I have been on hold all day with IRS d*ckheads. I cannot get a live person. But in between I managed to get over to his place and take care of his needs. And that is how I am treated. Like I have oodles of time and just have to rush home so I can stare at the walls. It was hot and humid and I mowed his damned yard which I may add is on a slope, because I may or may not get to it next week as we may work on Saturday. I lost it. I walked all the way home. I have a horrendous headache and just want to scream and destroy the house. Anyone else ever get completely taken for granted?? I wish I could just tell him to take care of his own self and not talk to him ever again right now. I guess I am just tired of everything.

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Default May 24, 2019 at 09:24 PM
  #2
Why are you doing this to yourself?
It obvious your olde male friend does not appreciate you. Something of which I’m surprised your husband has no issue with. If I was you I would stop doing everything i do for this male friend completely and see how well he appreciates you next time you lift a finger for him.
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Default May 24, 2019 at 11:06 PM
  #3
If you havent alresdy, you could also let him know how you feel and how busy you actually are. If he's still unreceptive to your perspective. Stop doing him favours. Or stop contact with him if this issue is worth doing that over for you.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 01:30 AM
  #4
Who is this male friend that you help out?

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Default May 25, 2019 at 05:24 AM
  #5
I agree that this attack is completely inappropriate. He shouldn't lash out at someone who is trying to help. But people do lash out when they are feeling low, and usually they lash out at people who care for them. So many examples here on PC both of people feeling entitled to lash out and people who have been lashed out at.

To me it sounds as if you are at breaking point for a number of good reasons. So what can you do to make yourself feel important again? First, accept some hugs or tlc wherever you can find them, or get yourself to a place where you can feel appreciated and calmer.

Life tests us to the limit. We have some (a little?) control over how that impacts us emotionally. Luckily other human beings know what it's like to be at breaking point and can offer feedback about where our situation can be eased just enough to breathe again! That's my experience - I seem to be constantly maxed out with a big house move, but when I am really breaking someone offers a listening ear or such which sets me right.

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Default May 25, 2019 at 06:05 AM
  #6
Of course you're busy being busy. Was he expecting more from you than you can possibly give?
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Default May 25, 2019 at 06:20 AM
  #7
That sounds like kind of an abusive way to treat someone.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 06:22 AM
  #8
I'm so sorry you have to put up with such TERRIBLE behavior, Medusax! I agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! Perhaps it is time to just let him know HWO MUCH his behavior is bothering you! I'd suggest to just talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! If he refuses to listen to you or to understand what you say, then I'd suggest to just REFUSE to get him any help! You have EVERY RIGHT to stand up for yourself if you feel like you're not being treated correctly, after all! Just remember that you're important as well and that YOU MATTER, ok? Make him understand that you WON'T accept being treated this way! We're here for you if you need ANY help and support, ok? YOU ARE IMPORTANT! Sending many hugs to you, Medusax!
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Default May 25, 2019 at 07:08 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by lady411 View Post
Why are you doing this to yourself?
It obvious your olde male friend does not appreciate you. Something of which I’m surprised your husband has no issue with. If I was you I would stop doing everything i do for this male friend completely and see how well he appreciates you next time you lift a finger for him.

Please don't bring anything with "sexual" connotations into this...this is a friend of both of us. He needs some extra help. Also, my husband truly has no issue with anything I do as long as I bring in a paycheck.....He is more of a jerk than you can imagine.

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Default May 25, 2019 at 07:13 AM
  #10
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Who is this male friend that you help out?


He is a friend of ours. He helped us get our house here before we moved. He has a heart condition and moderate dementia. His kids live states away. Please let the record show now, that I have no interest in sex, even if Johnny Depp came to my door and propositioned me. I have zero drive. Clear?

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Default May 25, 2019 at 08:56 AM
  #11
The man is beset by health problems, mental and physical. Years ago he helped us tremendously. I don't forget a kindness of that magnitude. MOST of the time he is caring and kind. I think he is upset over the situation at his business. And to be fair, there are other things going on in my life that add to the stress of my reaction as well. Our AC upstairs is out and I have been once again relegated to the downstairs couch in order to get any sleep at all. We have to wait for a part. Those high tech wall units are
garbage. The husband is in a nice, cool hotel room with maid service. So HIS life hasn't changed.

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Default May 25, 2019 at 10:07 AM
  #12
It sounds like you have two guys in your life who don’t treat you well and in fact are taking advantage of you. Your husband and this male friend. They show no respect for you. I really hope you see a therapist to help you get to the bottom of your allowing people, and in this case particularly men, to treat you poorly.
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Default May 26, 2019 at 02:10 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by Medusax View Post
I have had a horrible day. An older male friend that I assist with things told me I was usually just "busy being busy".
He doesn't respect you and he doesn't respect your time. It is an insult to you that he doesn't appreciate the sacrifice of time you make for him.

Your time is valuable whether or not you have a hectic schedule. You could be using that time for self-care rather than waste it on ungrateful people like him.

While you have a family obligation to take care of your husband, you have no obligation to take care of your male friend. You don't need that additional stress in your life.
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Default May 26, 2019 at 02:57 AM
  #14
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Originally Posted by Medusax View Post
The man is beset by health problems, mental and physical. Years ago he helped us tremendously. I don't forget a kindness of that magnitude. MOST of the time he is caring and kind. I think he is upset over the situation at his business. And to be fair, there are other things going on in my life that add to the stress of my reaction as well. Our AC upstairs is out and I have been once again relegated to the downstairs couch in order to get any sleep at all. We have to wait for a part. Those high tech wall units are
garbage. The husband is in a nice, cool hotel room with maid service. So HIS life hasn't changed.
I like your post Medusax! That's gut feeling, not intellectual. For me, if someone goes out of their way to help me when needed I would return that to them. I agree that this guy sounds upset rather than totally abusive, but with dementia the line between upset and abusive can get too thin for comfort.

One thing that stands out for me, perhaps it's a reflection on myself, is that you are furious about feeling that your husband behaves entitled rather than appreciative of all the things that you contribute to daily life. When I'm furious often some other person's fury pushes my buttons more than I would want them too. It's clear that you are dealing with a huge ongoing issue between you and h on a daily basis.

You talk about this guy helping both you and h years ago, and it sounds like you and h were working together at that time?

This is just me, but when an external situation seems overwhelming I ask myself what I can learn from it - it's my way of shifting my focus back to my own needs. Since this guy has been helpful and witness to your marriage in the past is there any small way that he can help you to figure out how miserable your situation has become in the present? Even if he is no longer able to actively engage in being helpful, just him having participated in that time might help you to find a clue for yourself.

Probably that sounds demented! I feel for your situation. I've been through times of exhaustion while working to hold financial things together and everything outside and inside me seemed hopeless. We are stronger and wiser than we think we are, but sometimes it's like that guy pushing his rock uphill and it just falls down again. I feel for you, no idea why but your situation resonates for me.

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Default May 26, 2019 at 11:59 AM
  #15
[QUOTE=divine1966;6539318]It sounds like you have two guys in your life who don’t treat you well and in fact are taking advantage of you. Your husband and this male friend. They show no respect for you. I really hope you see a therapist to help you get to the bottom of your allowing people, and in this case particularly men, to treat you poorly.[/

Men, in general, treat women "poorly" on many different levels. Some all out abuse (which is NOT what I am experiencing) all the way down to blithely ignoring their discomforts. Update: We talked. He was upset and stressed over some things in his life. I understand this. And for MY part, I was seething over not having any time to myself that day. He is, for the most part, very appreciative towards me. One of the "better" ones I've encountered.

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Default May 26, 2019 at 02:32 PM
  #16
duplicate duplicate duplicate
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Default May 26, 2019 at 02:34 PM
  #17
You should say that some men treat women poorly, Just like some women treat men poorly.

Unfortunately some women put up with bad treatment because they incorrectly assumed that’s how all men behave. That’s very incorrect generalization. I can assure you that many men treat women very well.
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Default May 28, 2019 at 12:50 PM
  #18
I would recommend the book the Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin. The tendencies are defined by how we react to internal and external expectations. I see similarities between you and my husband, who is an obliger, meaning he tries to meet expectations of him that other people set, even well beyond what looks to me like people taking advantage of him. I am a questioner, meaning I only am motivated to meet other people's expectations to the extent that they make sense to me.

I know you are very busy and may not have time to pick up the book right now. But it has helped everyone in my family who has read it. It helps you understand yourself and other people, and it helps you strategize how to get better results in your life, given your tendency.

Good luck to you.
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Default May 28, 2019 at 03:37 PM
  #19
I think you had such a full day doing so much for others and had so little time for yourself, and also you just felt like you were not even respected or appreciated for all you did.

When it comes to this man you are helping, perhaps it would be better if you helped him to find someone he could pay to do his lawn for him. Yes, he did help you years ago, but, that doesn't mean you should be sacrificing yourself for him to the extent you have been doing. You deserve to have time for yourself instead of giving up so much of yourself.
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Default May 30, 2019 at 10:02 PM
  #20
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I think you had such a full day doing so much for others and had so little time for yourself, and also you just felt like you were not even respected or appreciated for all you did.

When it comes to this man you are helping, perhaps it would be better if you helped him to find someone he could pay to do his lawn for him. Yes, he did help you years ago, but, that doesn't mean you should be sacrificing yourself for him to the extent you have been doing. You deserve to have time for yourself instead of giving up so much of yourself.

He has done things for us other than that. It is an ongoing thing. I do care for him very much. He is like a father. And, he won't be with us much longer. I was just stressed and he was stressed and it just all went to ****.

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