something horrible to realise

Wow you really went through a rough ordeal! It’s good you saved those diaries for reflection. I imagine that has been quite insightful and valuable.

It’s pretty amazing to think of the things we go through... and yet every day we still get up and feed the cat or the dog or the kids... go to work.... do the laundry and get the groceries.... all while we struggle through emotional issues and sometimes those emotional issues can be absolutely overwhelming.

You’ve come a long way.

Hi @openeyes, thanks for your two posts.
I apologise because I'm a communicator (2-4 languages) so I habitually look outwards when communicating to see whether others understand. Searching internally for the way forward is a different deal as you are clearly well aware. I'm used to other people, including close people, drawing a complete blank when I'm doing that. Like Eskielover says either it's too personal, + too multi-layered + idiosynchratic. Or else they need to categorise. Or else, yeah, I guess that I wasn't educated to communicate past differences because my educators believed that everyone thought like they did. I'm more confident that I used to be but occasionally I need to give up trying and to focus on myself.

I am just now reading about your horses. I understand from reading and from thinking about training a working dog in future, that daily dedication is required to do this. I also at the moment have a neighbour who (I now believe) is so mentally ill that he has to always do the opposite of what would be co-operative or helpful. Over the 4 years that he's been my neighbour I've come to recognise that he will ask what I need in terms of shared fencing for example, and then he will react by doing the exact opposite. He does that to neighbourhood "authority" figures also. If they advise what is allowed, he responds by compulsive lying - that he has a disabled wife for example! It's a compulsion with him, and other local people avoid crossing him. Unfortunately I had to cross him once which involved him knocking down a shared wall in our buildings, and because he refused to compromise I had to be firm about it. He has hated me ever since. There are difficult situations in this life with no easy answers.

He also allowed one of his cats to tear open it's stomach by leaping a fence with nails on the top which he refused to mend in order to spite me.
It is very hard with animals, and especially with horses I think because they are such substantial, long-lived animals. They share space and thoughts with us for a good, long time.

I agree that humans are predatory as well as how we would like to idealise ourselves. We have to prioritise some sort of law and order or else the predator takes over!

I'm sorry that your two horses were hurt and died!!! Do you think that we domesticate horses to the extent where they will not fight back for themselves? I'm just saying that because dogs sometimes have to be taught respect by a ram, but that a dangerous process on both sides.

Fighting for self is a dangerous process. Humm!

Thank you Sisabel! Yes it is amazing how we get up and do ordinary tasks while processing emotional turmoil. A balancing act.