One-Upmanship Makes Friendship Difficult

I'm looking for perspectives and ideas from you all, my PC darlings.

I have this friend...

We've been friends for about 30 years. For as long as I've known her, she has always engaged in one-upmanship (the art or practice of outdoing or keeping one jump ahead of a friend). This ranges from always attempting to "top" every message I send her or every conversation topic we delve into, to her constantly making sure that I know every single time she does something kind or helpful for others.

I believe she is basically good at heart. We generally have a good time when we hang out. I'm just not sure if her one-upmanship is ill-natured (intentionally or not), or if she truly does it out of her own insecurity and lack of self-esteem. (She knows she has issues with both of those, so I'm not just slapping a random label on her).

I try very hard to not let this bother and annoy me. But, many times, it makes me want to disengage with her. She always has to have the last word, and it's usually something that feels like, "I'm funnier, more helpful, and more empathetic than you are." I want to say something to her about it, but she has so many existing self-esteem issues, I know she will take it to heart, deeply. And, she would likely just stop interacting with me altogether.

She tends to be an "all or nothing" person. If someone critiques her in any way, she takes it as a statement by that person that he or she doesn't like her. This makes her withdraw completely for fear of being provided with constructive criticism or positive re-direction. (I know this from situations she's shared with me).

Any experiences you've had that you'd like to share, or any advice, will be much appreciated!

I'm so sorry you have to put up with such TERRIBLE behavior, speckofdust! I COMPLETELY understand what you mean! I'd suggest to bring up these issues you have with her in a kind but firm way! Do you know whether or not she's working on her self-esteem issues or not? If she isn't, perhaps you could kindly bring that up to her and tell her that she DOES need to work on herself, both for her and for YOUR SAKE! I do not believe that you have to endure such behavior if you do not like it! I understand why you may be afraid to offend her, but that is NOT your fault and you have every right to have an HAPPY relationship with her! If you aren't happy with her, perhaps you may want to SERIOUSLY reconsider this friendship with her! You can't "fix" other people, they're the ones who need to work on themselves after all! I'd suggest to just TALK GOT HER about ALL OF THIS and see how it goes from there! Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! If she doesn't, at that point the final decision is up to you whether or not you want to endure her behavior or not! I don't want to tell you what to do since this is ALL my opinion after all! Just think about it, ok? I'm sure you know WHAT TO DO! We're here for you if you need ANY KIND OF HELP AND SUPPORT! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THIS AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! I'm so sorry you have to deal with SUCH TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR, it must be very annoying and upsetting to you! Just remember to try to do your best since that's ALL we humans can do and it's ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS more than enough! Just take GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, ok? WE'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how things are going for you! Sending many hugs to you, speckofdust!

MickeyCheeky - Thank you for the response! To answer your question, yes, she is aware of her self-esteem issues. She actually just started therapeutic treatment last week, which is part of the reason I'm hesitant to bring this up with her.

I will take your perspective under consideration, I promise!

Hello SpeckofDust,

I have strong opinions on this topic. So before I share them, please know that I respect your autonomy and intelligence. You do not have to agree with me.

In my experience (I'm happy to share) and view, it is impossible to have a healthy friendship (or romance for that matter) with an individual who engages in one-upmanship. You are right. This is coming from her low to no self-esteem and underdeveloped sense of self. But that is not your responsibility. And its not your fault.

Friendship should feel good and safe. Anyone can have an off day, a little irritability or a misunderstanding, but a long-term pattern of one-upmanship is deeply problematic.

I recently ended a friendship of six years for this reason. We often had a good and fun time together but she developed (I don't think it was there in the beginning but perhaps I missed it) a habit of taking snide little shots at me in order to undermine me and prop herself up. This was particularly apparent when other women were present....some sort of jealousy or discomfort seemed to be triggered within her so she'd try to embarrass or one-up me in front of others. I ran the whole thing by a therapist in detail. I never want to be unkind or unreasonable to anyone in my life. My therapist helped me to understand that my former friend just did not have the capacity to be a true friend to me....she was constantly comparing herself to me and in her mind (not mine) she came up short so then she'd try to one-up me. I wish her peace, as I do for everyone, but I no longer contact her in any way. You know the most interesting part? I find that I don't really miss her and I was sure I would.

I would not tell you what to do. This is your choice. But I'd seriously consider whether your life is enriched by this person's presence or actually made worse or less peaceful by it. If you started dating someone and they repeatedly engaged in one-upmanship, would you continue to date them? Would you want them to stick around? Next!

I do not recommend discussing this with her. You already know how that's going to go. A black-and-white thinker with low to no self-esteem.....good luck! In order to self-monitor and adjust behavior as needed, a person needs a healthy sense of self and self-esteem. I am the only person in my family of origin who has ever said 'sorry' or 'i was wrong.' They are all black-and-white thinkers and constantly blaming everyone around them for their own problems.

Thank you for sharing. Peace, hope, and a bright future to you. You deserve unconditional regard from friends.

It doesn't make sense to continue hanging out with her if you cannot enjoy her company because she is always trying to one-up you.

When you see her, do you come home refreshed or drained?

Your answer will determine how often (if at all) you would want to be around her.

Wow! I got two extremely thought out and well written responses (so far - in case anyone else jumps in)!

ST - I truly appreciate that you shared your own very personal and parallel experience.

After writing the opening post, letting it percolate some more throughout the day, seeing said friend exhibit the one-upmanship behavior twice more today, and reading what MC and ST posted, it is becoming clearer to me that I need to make a change in that friendship. I don't think I'll be comfortable "ripping the band-aid off," but I will take steps to distance and, ultimately disengage, myself.

Thanks, to you, as well, ennie! I think we were writing at about the same time. 'Tis true, I generally feel quite drained and negative after spending time with her. Sadly.

Distance sounds wise....need not be dramatic or a conflict....just a respectful sort of pulling back while wishing her peace. She's clearly in pain, right? Happy people don't treat others that way. So I admire that you have no desire to add to her pain....just peacefully drawing a line. Best wishes as you navigate that and keep us posted if you feel like it.

Forgot to say, I did try to discuss the issue with my former friend. She looked stunned and denied it entirely. My therapist thinks she may well have been unaware of her own insecurity and maladaptive coping response. I should also say she's not a "bad" person by any means. She's just a bit mixed up and I wish her peace and happiness from afar.

I REALLY like Ennie's idea about refreshed versus drained!!! SO true. Now why don't I always tune into that??

Cheers Ennie!

Do you think if you brought it up with your friend they would be receptive or defensive? I am not saying that you should bring it up especially if its sort of a lost cause but I am just curious.

She would be defensive to a degree, but mostly she would be deeply hurt. She has to answer and comment on everything, so she would start out trying to explain (rationalize) her behavior in a very long, drawn out message, which would be based on her defense mechanisms as an empath (she identifies this way) and diffident person.

It's possible that with some therapeutic work and self-reflection, she may modify her behavior, but that will probably be way down the road.

I feel that the best route to take with her, at this point, is to put some distance between us. I won't be the instigator of messaging, and I won't make plans with her. We already had plans to see a movie tomorrow, so I'm obligated to fulfill that (at least we won't have much time for chatting). I don't have a large number of friends, so I hate to totally lose any of them. I'll see how things go over time.

For me, I realize now, it's more about embracing friends who I find to be mostly positive and supportive, and distancing from those who are mostly toxic and/or draining. I deleted my Facebook account and broke ties with most family members last year, in part, to support that effort. After my mom died back in 2017, I no longer felt obligated to stay in contact with family.