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ConfusedAFboutpeeps
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Trig May 31, 2019 at 05:19 AM
  #1
Hi there! I'm new here. I had an issue a while back in regards to my mother-in-law, who happens to be lesbian. I'd really just want some affirmation here; My husband's mother has always been quite touchy-feely. Last time she came to visit she crept up on me while I was in the kitchen and literally whacked my butt with her hand. At first I thought it was my husband (which would have been irritating enough, right?!). When I realised it was her I told her right then and there not to touch me. She backed off. This time she's visiting again (about a year has passed since the last visit, she lives overseas), and she hasn't done it to me but has now done it to my 7 year old daughter --- during my daughter's gymnastics class at school! She also used to mention to me how she's always put lavender in her panty-drawers (she mentioned this about 3 times at her last visit with us, and always when nobody else was around to hear it, saying it really quickly as if she's secretly getting off on telling me this). This time around she's crept up on me while I'm at the kitchen sink, and instead of asking me to move so she can throw something away into the bin (which lives under the sink) is suddenly standing right next to me, putting her hand on my leg, tickling me (fairly close to my groin, I might add), instead of asking me to move. I found this so highly inappropriate I didn't even know what to say except: 'can you see I'm busy at the sink? I'll move in a minute!' She backed off. Then when I hung up the washing she was watching me hang up my bra and said: 'are you looking forward to your titillation later?' I answered with: 'my what?' She said: 'your hair appointment later today.' I mean, seriously. Why say it like that? I'm seriously grossed out at the moment, thinking about all of this. Writing it down has made it more real, even. What is this problem she has? Sexual frustration? Is she coming on to me? I'm really just interested in the whole psychology behind it.

Last edited by bluekoi; May 31, 2019 at 10:18 AM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Smile May 31, 2019 at 12:52 PM
  #2
Hello ConfusedAFboutpeeps: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I don't think there is much of anything I would be able to offer with regard to the motivation behind your mother-in-law's behaviors. Perhaps there will be other members, here on PC, who will have insights they can share. However regardless of what lies behind your mother-in-law's behavior, at least from my perspective, this comes down to personal boundaries. So here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that offer advice on establishing & enforcing personal boundaries:

The Importance of Personal Boundaries

What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?

4 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries

10 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries | Happily Imperfect

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-p...ur-boundaries/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ur-boundaries/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-a...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default May 31, 2019 at 05:11 PM
  #3
What you shared would creep me out too. Good thing she lives overseas and you don't have to see her very often. She is invading your personal space. If you are still dealing with her, the next time she is hovering around you I recommend you being firm with her and saying flat out with her. Mother-in-law, you have been invading my personal space and I don't like it so please stop invading my personal space from now on. When people are like this, especially when you are alone with them you have to stand your ground and let them know you will not tolerate these kind of interactions. Other wise they will just keep doing it.
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Default May 31, 2019 at 06:16 PM
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She seems inappropriate, for you. Like not a good fit for you. I couldn't begin to guess if she is coming on to you. She could just lack boundaries (I'm not meaning to minimize. Lack of boundaries is a problem!). I don't know. I just don't feel from this post I have enough info, plus I wasn't there. Sorry you have to deal with her. Have you talked to your spouse about her?
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 07:06 PM
  #5
So sorry that you and your daughter have experienced this unwanted touching. It is indeed gross behavior as you astutely pointed out. It was not your fault and had nothing to do with her trying to get to the bin. What exactly did she do to your 7 year old daughter? Does your husband know about this? Sounds like both of you need to sit her down and talk about bodily autonomy and that any further unwanted touching of your daughter or yourself will be reported to the police.

She has no right to touch you or anyone else against their will. You already told her to stop and she continued and also crossed the line with a minor. This is not okay at all and actually illegal. Her continued behavior indicates that she does not care about boundaries....it's not a simple misunderstanding. This is predatory behavior. I don't know why she enjoys engaging in predatory behavior and I'm not sure the reason matters. It's simply not okay.

I think a useful question here is what would you or your husband have done if a male relative inappropriately touched your daughter? Or you? Smacked either of you from behind or ran his hand near your groin or whispered in your ear about what he does with his underwear drawer.....what would you do? I'm guessing the response would be very different though perhaps I'm wrong. Being a woman does not make unwanted touching more okay or tolerable than if a man were to do that. I think legally what she has done is deemed as sexual assault.....touching anyone's body against their will/without consent.

Is this someone you or your daughter should be in the same room with?

Peace and best wishes to you

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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 08:46 PM
  #6
What does your husband say about all this? I am speechless. Does she have some type of cognitive limitations, such as not grasping fully the inappropriate nature of her behavior? Is she on something, as intoxicated? I am at loss
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 09:16 PM
  #7
In my opinion you have handled this rather unbelievable situation about as well as anyone could. I cant belive the liberties this appalling person has taken. As Silver Trees says above, it’s time to bring in the Big Guns, whatever they may specifically be.

Also crucial, IMO, is the contribution of your husband. Which IS?????
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 09:25 PM
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I'd discuss this entire matter at once with my spouse. Is she showing signs of maybe early dementia? I'd personally want her out of my house asap and send her home.

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Default Jun 03, 2019 at 11:54 PM
  #9
No one is allowed to swat your butt or touch you if you do not give consent. Doesn't matter if they are male or female or what their sexual orientation is. I personally would talk to your husband about it asap.

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Default Jun 05, 2019 at 02:43 AM
  #10
Yes, thank you Skeezyks -- definitely boundary issues! I've been reading up loads regarding boundary issues since she's been to visit. I myself have been growing up in an environment where there were boundary issues, so this definitely fits.
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Default Jun 05, 2019 at 02:53 AM
  #11
Thank you to all your replies. I've brought some things up with my husband, and because it's his mother, that's the reply I get: it's just my mom, she doesn't mean anything by it. Basically it gets laughed off. I've had my say to him about THAT too, saying she's actually controlling in that way. And yes, she might be getting on a bit, age-wise, so age might also have something to do with it. Here I go again with making excuses for people -- my life story and up to me to change that tendency! I have also spoken to my children about this, as when she slapped my daughter's butt in public, I loudly said: "no, granny! We don't do that." And I pulled my daughter close to me and gave her a cuddle to make her feel better. My daughter was incredulous, she just kind of gave a little yelp and a look of WTF just happened here? So I'm glad I jumped in right away, and then when we were out of ear-shot of my Mother in law I told my children that NOBODY is EVER allowed to do that, even if it's your granny. THey got it, they said: yes, we don't know why she did that. Then they told their dad later on, who could only muster the words: oh, did she? And kind of laughed it off. So, it's up to me to be more serious about this. THANKFULLY she's NOT in the same country as us, and I said to my husband that I'm not having her stay with us for this long again, ever. She stayed with us for 3 months (.... no comment). Other than that she's actually a kind and caring person, so this weird freaky behaviour really juxtaposes it. 🤷*♀️
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Default Jun 05, 2019 at 02:58 AM
  #12
Yes, exactly ... if this would have been my Father-In-Law, things would have been dealt with very differently. Not cool, is it? Argh!
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Default Jun 05, 2019 at 12:58 PM
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I want to say I REALLY like you how handled that moment with your daughter. That was very nicely done in a very difficult situation. I recommend explicitly discussing bodily autonomy with your children. That's good for all children. In some countries it is almost unheard of but there is a movement to start teaching young children about touch - okay touch and not okay touch and consent to touch etc. For example, even something as simple as a tickling game can unwittingly send a message to a child that they do not have bodily autonomy. They say stop tickling and sometimes the parent (or sibling) continues. Nobody means any harm in that scenario but it's a dangerous message. My sister-in-law taught my young niece all about bodily autonomy. She also knows about pedophilia and the importance of protecting herself and telling her parents if she experiences unwanted touch of any sort. She is 11.

I am sorry your husband was not helpful with the mother issue. This is quite a common phenomenon. I don't understand it but a lot of grown men will not draw lines with their mothers for any reason. My ex was like that with his mother. I won't comment further on that issue because I think that may warrant some counseling perhaps from a therapist...in order to work through.

Three months! Incredible. Is it over now? I hope so. You sound like a very loving mother and wife so give yourself some credit Peace to you.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 01:53 AM
  #14
Thank you SilverTrees! There are a lot of issues from my hubby's past with her --I actually felt sorry for her on her first night with us, as that night shortly after dinner he immediately started talking about how he felt when her and his dad got divorced all those many years ago. I could see she felt uncomfortable but was still trying to be attentive and caring towards him. What could she do now after all, it's all in the past. I always say to him it would be really good for him to talk about these issues with a professional. (As I do too, once a week, due to my own past issues). He just doesn't want to. I've talked about marriage counseling for us as well, but he says he'll NEVER do it. So ... what to do. There are so many backed-up issues.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 10:04 AM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAFboutpeeps View Post
Thank you SilverTrees! There are a lot of issues from my hubby's past with her --I actually felt sorry for her on her first night with us, as that night shortly after dinner he immediately started talking about how he felt when her and his dad got divorced all those many years ago. I could see she felt uncomfortable but was still trying to be attentive and caring towards him. What could she do now after all, it's all in the past. I always say to him it would be really good for him to talk about these issues with a professional. (As I do too, once a week, due to my own past issues). He just doesn't want to. I've talked about marriage counseling for us as well, but he says he'll NEVER do it. So ... what to do. There are so many backed-up issues.
Yes, that's a tough spot to be in. He clearly wants to resolve some of the issues at least or he wouldn't have raised them with his mother. Poor guy. Divorce is really tough on everyone involved. I got divorced myself many years ago but we never had children. I am glad that you are able to do your own therapy but it must be frustrating when he won't join you even for a few sessions. Sometimes I think it must be very lonely to be a man. Not that women don't get lonely, I do. But men grow up thinking that they must be so tough. That they cannot and should not express feelings. Then when there's a problem down the road, we wonder why they won't talk about it or go to the doctor etc. I don't know your hub of course but I wonder if he would perceive talking to a therapist as a demonstration of weakness? For those of us who have benefited from therapy, we know it can be a strength. I'm just trying to see it from his perspective. My current partner would never talk to a therapist either. I've a hard enough time encouraging him to even tell me if there's a problem.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you are doing your level best. That's all any of us can do in life.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 12:09 AM
  #16
Thank you ! <3
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 09:52 PM
  #17
We do not know if she is getting demented, but she is a nuisance to say the least - can you just flat out refuse to host her again, even for short periods of time? Another thing that the way she touched your daughter must have been embarrassing since it was in public.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 05:49 AM
  #18
yes, I have already made the decision not to host her again, ever. Thankfully we're in different countries.
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