My inability/unwillingness to compliment

I'm a man recently married to my female partner of 7(ish) years. I definitely suffer from depression-anxiety, I have always been a very pessimistic person, and I never seem that excited about anything.

This is only one detail in the series of shortcomings and problems I've been having in my relationship.

Although I think she's the most incredible person inside and out and would have a hard time finding any criticisms for her, I basically never compliment her. She tolerated this through most of our relationship. Recently, alongside other issues, she's told me that she really needs me to compliment her and convince her that I actually care about her.

This is a very reasonable and simple request, but I have hardly changed my behavior even though I honestly want her to be happy and feel good about herself. It's almost as if I'm being stubborned and resistant now that I'm being asked to do something. In the moments that I should be expressing my feelings and wanting to be affectionate, I generally freeze up and avoid, or maybe eek out the same few nice things that I always come up with.

This is the way I've been through all of my relationships and only in the first few months do I feel genuine excitement and express some of it (usually still not in the form of compliments).

Am I just an *******? Unfit for a relationship? Sociopath?

This is a very small request on her part and if you cannot fulfill this, then you should expect her to want to leave you eventually. It takes NO effort and if you are unwilling to do it, then I question how much you really care about her and wouldn't blame her a bit if she took off.

Not sociopathic, but certainly lazy and kind of passive-aggressive on your part.

Perhaps you now feel forced. What if you complimented her when you're actually feeling something positive towards her, or when you think she looks particularly nice? Love does require effort and showing of affection, love and compliments/positive reinforcement.

Sometimes in relationships we have to do things we do not want to do for the sake of the other person, and I think in this case you should compliment her whether you want to or not.

In your third paragraph you naturally gave quite the compliment. So if you're able to explain, what stops you from giving compliments? Does it not occur to you? Maybe you feel odd handing them out? Then you mention the few nice things you always come up with, perhaps it comes off as ingenuine because it's something you always say and it's a set response for certain situations? Or maybe it is ingenuine, by your own admission?

And why now does she have an issue with it? Did she always find it bothersome or only now? And why only now? Has she been feeling different lately? You also allude to showing affection in different ways the first few months, perhaps you've stopped now or maybe she's unaware?

Lastly, you this being a minor issue compared to others in the relationship. If this is but a symptom of a more bigger problem, perhaps you could share so incoming posters can have more to go off of and help you better? If you wish of course.

Up until about a year ago, she accepted/tolerated my often flatline attitude and lack of excitement.

She was out of the country for 9 months last year and I cheated on her a month or so before she was going to return. This was also a few months before our wedding. Through all of my relationships in the past, I never cheated or even considered it. I chose to do it in the most serious and important relationship I've been in. I never had any intention or interest in someone else, but when I was faced with an aggressive pursuit, I went right along with it.

This especially calls for me to constantly reassure her that I love her and she's important to me. The fact that I am still dragging my feet to compliment, plan special things etc. is pretty disturbing.

I'm very indecisive and have lost confidence in myself and my intentions. This makes my reassurances and compliments come out very weak. I believe I love and care about her but I'm starting to question myself. Being responsible for someone else's emotions is something that causes me massive anxiety and fear. My response to these issues is always avoid/flee.

I really hate myself for what I've done and for promising to care for someone when I clearly have not been.

Hello OKbrain,

I am so sorry that you are struggling. You do not sound like a sociopath or whatever the other word was that you called yourself in your other post.

I actually think you have answered your own question here. I put several of your important points together here:

"I'm very indecisive and have lost confidence in myself and my intentions.
Being responsible for someone else's emotions is something that causes me massive anxiety and fear. My response to these issues is always avoid/flee.
I really hate myself for what I've done."

You are struggling with depression and low self-esteem. It is very difficult to relate to someone else, feel close, be close, and connect on a deep level when you feel detached from yourself or indeed hate yourself. I think your troubles with your wife are a reflection of your troubles with your own self. Does that resonate with you at all? Any childhood trauma? Difficult relationship with your mother or father? How we relate to a significant other is typically based on the attachments we developed in childhood with our parents. Our parents are also the role models for how we relate to the opposite sex. Maybe something for you to reflect on....such as how did your father relate to your mother? Did he give compliments? Was he close or detached? Unfaithful? Present or absent?

I want to point out that you are actually *not responsible for other people's emotions. Each person is accountable for their own emotions. We all want to be accountable for our actions of course....an act of infidelity after promising monogamy is obviously problematic but you already know that. Though that's not the same as being responsible for someone else's feelings every moment of the day. You may find the following article of interest:
Four Truths about Feelings That Will Set you Free

I recommend finding a kind and experienced therapist to discuss the issues I highlighted above. I think on some level you know where to start but you likely need some professional support to move forward. No shame in that. I have done therapy myself....to better know and understand my own self.

As I said, I don't think you're a bad person or any such thing. You have my empathy. You're obviously in pain. There are ways to work through and heal from pain with help. I wish you peace, hope, and joy. You deserve it. Your present does not have to be your future.

Perhaps unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But you're almost certainly not a sociopath based on your clear remorse and self loathing over what you did.

I second silvertrees sugesstion that you seek proffesional help. If it adds incentive to try it out, I think an understanding SO would appreciate you seeking help, it would speak to your desire to try and change. If she doesn't yet know the full extent of your mental state, that's something you could end up explaining if you're to go through with this course of action. She could appreciate you telling her, though of course, you know her best.

The pattern I tend to fall into mimics my dad's body language and attitude when he was interacting with my mom. Exasperated, overwhelmed, never had his own opinion, anxious. He was never mean but also never seemed relaxed or happy around her. His communication was along the lines of "ok, fine. I dont care, whatever you want." He would relax and be happy when he was out around friends but at home, he seemed miserable. This is similar to the way I behave.

I have been seeing a therapist for a few months. She has been disproportionately focused (in my opinion) on my drinking. I agree that I should cut back or quit drinking and it is not helping my depression but it would hardly solve my issues. I'm looking forward to getting into more discussion about my relationship.

It is hard to show love for other people when we can't even show it ot ourselves, OKbrain! I DO believe that your problemy may hhave to do your lack of confidence and self-esteem! I'd suggest to work on that if you can! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new things and new ways to cope with your feelings! I believe reaching out to a professional may prove to be REALLY beneficial to both you and your partner! At the very least, you'll be able to show her that you DO love her and that you DO want to improve and to make things better for BOTH OF YOU! Sometimes action speak louder than words and I'm sure she'll apprecciate your effort and she'll understand that you DO love her! Definitely keep working on yourself! All the other GREAT, kind, wise, wonderful posters have already gave you some GREAT, kind, wise and wonderful advice so I won't repeat it too much! Just remember that we'll be here fr you when you need support and that WE WON'T JUDGE YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! Just try to do your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS MORE THAN ENOUGH! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU AND YOUR WIFE, OKBRAIN, JUST LIKE YOU BOTH ARE! PLEASE BOTH BELIEVE THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND PLEASE BOTHBELIEVE THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND YOU BOTH KNOW THAT EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU!

It's very possible that deep down inside you, you don't feel you deserve her love. Often that can be a big part of holding back when it comes to telling someone how special and beautiful they are. It can give them too much control and add to your own insecurities. Sometimes the goal is to unknowingly bring the other person down to your own insecure level that is what low self esteem can create in a person.

It would be beneficial if you spent time with a therapist so you can figure out where your own low self esteem is coming from.

You're likely more self-conscious of your behavior now, which can cause anxiety. And because she outright asked you to compliment her, all compliments moving forward are going to feel forced and awkward, like a chore you have to do in order to win relationship points. You definitely don't want to start seeing the relationship like that.

Maybe you're so uncomfortable with it simply because you've never done it. Charisma is a skill, and it isn't always that easy to learn, especially if you didn't have many opportunities to learn it when growing up; e.g. if your parents rarely complimented each other, were rather reserved, etc. But you can learn it.

However, you did write rather eloquently about her supposed awesomeness, so maybe writing is more your forte when it comes to self-expression. So, like, just write out on a note exactly how you feel about her and why you have trouble expressing this, and then give it to her. With flowers. That's super romantic.

Second the idea of a written note ^

I don't know how much you drink or your drinking habits but your therapist seems to be looking at things from the wrong way around. You likely drink because you are depressed and/or traumatized. Therefore, therapy needs to first target the trauma and the rest will follow. Check out Dr. Gabor Mate (accent over the e) on What is Addiction? or his various videos on depression. Introduce your therapist to his research and ideas. Though I think perhaps you need a new therapist. Her approach is somewhat like spending hours convincing a hemophiliac to invest in band-aids rather than addressing blood clotting factors, if you see what I mean.

If you want to focus more on your relationship then either insist on that or cut ties and start over with a new therapist. They are not all created equal. Far from it. Best wishes to you