Husband cheated, looking for people who have gone through something similar

Hi,
My husband cheated on me in an emotional "love " affair but he didnt get to the point of having sex with her. Many have said holding her hand and brushing the hair from her face, meeting her after he saw me leave for work, having to see her, personal messaging both of them inappropriate messages, sometimes seems worse than a one night stand. This went on for a couple weeks.
He told me everything and is sorry, is going to counseling tries to tell me everything. But 2 weeks after I found out we went down the shore and had a great weekend. When we returned, after he said he would stop talking to her he went and told her he couldn't get her out of his head. At this point I'm beyond devastated and cant trust him anymore. Even when we have good times and I see him trying. I dont know what to do. If there's anyone that out there that went through something similar please let me know ghere is help.
Thanks

I have never gone through this and I am so sorry you are. I have been married for almost 24 years now and I too would be devastated if I were in your place. I tend to agree with what you have heard from others about emotional affairs. I feel they are so much more violating because of how vunerable all parties involved are, you included. I am not dismissing sex but it only goes so far in a relationship and its that bond of trust that is the glue to hold people together. All the plotting and planning to meet her, waiting for you to leave for work and messaging involves tons of dishonesty and lying and its not easy to recover from. Was everything fine before this? Do you think this is his only time of doing this?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Makmad1! I certainly understand why you'd feel hurt! I completely agree with what sarahsweets has already wisely said better than I ever could! I do feel like it's necessary to talk to your husban about ALL OF THIS and see how it goes from there and make him understand that you feel hurt by his behavior! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! I'd say it's up to YOU what you want to do now! Do you feel like continuing this relationship would be an option for you? Do you believe couple counselling may be helpful to BOTH OF YOU? Definitely discuss ALL OF THIS with your husband if you can and want to! Take your time to decide! I know it's not easy AT ALL! I'm so sorry you're going through ALL OF THIS! I know it's hard! Remember that we're here for you if you need ANY KIND OF SUPPORT! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL HUGS TO YOU, MAKMAD1!

Often this comes from the cheater's own self esteem issues, something lacking in them that has nothing to do with you. Could be that your husband feels inadequate around you. Are you the main bread winner in the relationship? Could be that when he interacts with this other woman that he feels more power and stronger ego boost and that's what keeps him involved.

I feel you because I've been through it with my wife. She started an emotional affair that she said would have eventually led to a sexual affair if I didn't stop it before it got there. We would hang out at the bar on Fridays after work and when I would go to the bar to get drinks or go to the restroom she would be all over him. Then they started texting at all hours of the day and when I asked why she was on her phone she'd say I'm just looking at news or on reddit or whatever. It even got as bad as after we had sex she'd wait for me to fall asleep to text him. Needless to say, I gave her the "it's him or me" thing and honestly, I thought she was going to choose the 6 mth relationship over our 13 yr relationship. She even tried to convince me that we both make her happy for different reasons and that we should have an open marriage (something she used against me because the last time I was manic I pulled the same *****). I told her that's not what marriage meant to me and we weren't doing that.

A few rocky wks had passed and I thought we were working on our marriage, it was still shaky but getting better, then boom! I find out she's been texting him behind my back. She'd walk the dog while I was cooking dinner and she was texting him. She'd sit at the table behind me while I was playing video game or watching a movie and she was texting him. She was slowly getting back to her behavior. We hashed it out on saturday and I looked up divorces in Texas and planned on going to the court house to get the process started on Monday. In the end they talked stuff out and they finished it for real this time. I told her that if she breaks my trust one more time I'm done. I'm out. No questions. And she seems to have taken it seriously and we've had some really great days since.

We have decided to have serious conversations only on Monday so we have the wk to work on things and try to get back to our fun normal selves. We are both in individual counseling to deal with different issues and once we are done with our 3-4 mth sessions (it's through the VA and they are a short term facility) we are going to do marriage counseling to work on things we can't work out in individual. Since we are working with different therapists at the same place they said (with our permission of course) that they would work together and tackle issues we both brought up and even throw in a couple counseling from time to time.

If you are not in therapy yourself, maybe you should consider trying it because you can talk about things that will help you work through your thoughts and feelings so you can better face your relationship better. If you want to talk feel free to hit me up and we can talk to each other about our similar situations.

That is a hard thing to experience Makmad . I agree with Sarahsweets that emotionally would be at least as difficult as an affair. It's a betrayal of intimacy. But it happens - people's emotions seem to lead them in directions that even they have little control over at times.

I am sorry to hear it. I don’t have experience with being cheated on but I know people who cheated and were cheated on. Personally I’d never be able to trust the person again so for me affair would be the absolute end of marriage. No second chances. I also recommend to check for STD.

Many people who supposedly have just emotional affairs turn out to also sleep around. I’ve met a lady who works with HIV advocacy who contracted HIV from her husband.

Please be safe. No husband on this planet is worth jeopardizing your health and safety.

If he has really ended it with the other woman and is truly sorry and you BOTH commit to repairing the relationship you can and will trust him and have faith in the relationship again. Only with all those things though. There must be complete and total honesty/transparency between. Think of things he can do to help ease and quiet your mind. I asked my husband to let me know BEFORE going certain places bc finding out after the fact made feel like like he was hiding it and made me like fool.... I asked him not to omit details just bc HE didn't think they were important.... I asked that he not have conversations with other people when it requires we make a decision together (he has a real problem telling people he doesn't care or is fine with something but they have to talk to me)... Don't make me ask 20 questions just tell me the whole story the first time I ask...don't respond with anger or irritation when I ask questions...let me know where you're going and when you plan to be back...exchange phone passwords...etc. You'll have you're own list of ways he can help heal the broken trust. Other than that it just takes time and consistency.

This thread is from June, I’m hoping the OP is doing well.