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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 07:21 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Sometimes people don’t want to share details because they don’t want to be influenced either way. It’s not necessarily not wanting to hear negative opinions.

Overly positive opinions could be useless too

I once was in a relationship with alcoholic. But when I shared with people I got responses from my then therapist and my family: just because you don’t drink it doesn’t mean others can’t enjoy it, just because we don’t drink much in our cultures it doesn’t mean other cultures can’t enjoy it, if he can keep high profile job then he isn’t a drunk, what do you care if he drinks. Etc etc I stayed longer than I should because I thought I just had unrealistic expectations of other people’s drinking. So I ignore one of my normal deal breakers and went along with it because I listened to others and assumed it’s no big deal.

Sometimes listening to yourself is more important. It’s also important to have clear deal breakers versus some maybe less than stellar things but you can tolerate them. Not every red flag is a deal breaker.

I’d not remain in relationship in hopes someone changes. Life is too short to waste it in hopes someone changes. But I’d look into deal breakers. If some things are unpleasant for you but aren’t deal breakers then you can see if you can
Accept them. That’s very individual. That’s why it doesn’t matter what we think. Our deal breakers are different from yours

Unless you are in danger there is no need to leave right now. Just look into what you can live with (protect your finances in a meanwhile)
Thanks Divine.

Very wise words! That's exactly what I am looking to accomplish: listening to myself and figuring out how I feel with support along the way. I am in a process... it is a process. Now I am re-evaluating, based on the incidents lately.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 07:31 PM
  #22
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We just got married. I am not willing to pull the plug that quickly.
That makes perfect sense. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I know you are committed. I hope he will come around and be equally-committed to making things better.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 07:37 PM
  #23
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That makes perfect sense. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I know you are committed. I hope he will come around and be equally-committed to making things better.
Thank you, ennie!

I AM committed. I mean, I go back and forth all the time, but I am still committed to seeing it through. Some days I think there's no way this can work, and other days I feel it can. I am so on the fence, that's why I need to give it a lot more time.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 07:46 PM
  #24
Most certainly you should give it more time and see how things go.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 07:54 PM
  #25
Yes, more time is needed. I just needed support while I figure it out. I have trouble sorting out my feelings. I used to shove them down years ago with an eating disorder. I am trying hard to just figure out my boundaries & limits, the deal breakers, as you put it, where I stand on various issues, and how I truly feel.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 08:02 PM
  #26
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Yes, more time is needed. I just needed support while I figure it out. I have trouble sorting out my feelings. I used to shove them down years ago with an eating disorder. I am trying hard to just figure out my boundaries & limits, the deal breakers, as you put it, where I stand on various issues, and how I truly feel.
You don’t want to ignore your feelings, do listen to your guts but you also might want to look into logical things, put feelings aside for a moment.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 08:06 PM
  #27
Yes I am definitely trying to to do both. Listen to my gut and to my logic. It takes time to sort it all out.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 08:22 PM
  #28
This may be superficial sounding, but I am very attracted to my husband! He's both very handsome and cute in my mind and there's definitely a chemistry between us. A physical reaction and real chemistry. We basically do it for each other. You don't always get that in a relationship, plus companionship. We have that. .. on the plus side. And for me attraction is very very important. I cannot be in a relationship without that spark of chemistry. I realize this is not everything that makes something work, but it certainly helps.
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 09:09 PM
  #29
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This may be superficial sounding, but I am very attracted to my husband! He's both very handsome and cute in my mind and there's definitely a chemistry between us. A physical reaction and real chemistry. We basically do it for each other. You don't always get that in a relationship, plus companionship. We have that. .. on the plus side. And for me attraction is very very important. I cannot be in a relationship without that spark of chemistry. I realize this is not everything that makes something work, but it certainly helps.
Not superficial. It’s important. Most certainly chemistry and physical attraction have to be there, otherwise might as well be friends, not lovers. Unsure how to conduct a relationship without chemistry and if people actually do that. It sounds more like friendship. How do you even get intimate without chemistry.

Saying that the most intense chemistry I ever fell was for people who were the most wrong for me. I talked to a therapist about it and she said it’s common, and I am not alone in it, so it’s not just me. Our bodies subconsciously respond to what’s familiar. Often familiar is unhealthy pattern, unhealthy relationship pattern, often stems from family of origin. When we meet somebody who could be healthy and good for us it doesn’t always feel familiar so we might not subconsciously respond as strongly. If we stick it out it though it could grow into strong love that is sustainable. I am not saying feeling strong chemistry is wrong, it is just never enough to provide feelings of fulfillment and true happiness in a long run. I most certainly attracted to my husband or I’d not bother but I am a bit cautious when I hear about most intense chemistry.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:15 AM
  #30
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Not superficial. It’s important. Most certainly chemistry and physical attraction have to be there, otherwise might as well be friends, not lovers. Unsure how to conduct a relationship without chemistry and if people actually do that. It sounds more like friendship. How do you even get intimate without chemistry.

Saying that the most intense chemistry I ever fell was for people who were the most wrong for me. I talked to a therapist about it and she said it’s common, and I am not alone in it, so it’s not just me. Our bodies subconsciously respond to what’s familiar. Often familiar is unhealthy pattern, unhealthy relationship pattern, often stems from family of origin. When we meet somebody who could be healthy and good for us it doesn’t always feel familiar so we might not subconsciously respond as strongly. If we stick it out it though it could grow into strong love that is sustainable. I am not saying feeling strong chemistry is wrong, it is just never enough to provide feelings of fulfillment and true happiness in a long run. I most certainly attracted to my husband or I’d not bother but I am a bit cautious when I hear about most intense chemistry.
Agreed. We do not have the "most intense" chemistry. Not at all. We have good chemistry.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:30 AM
  #31
Something quite miraculous happened last night. Hard to explain in detail, but he made a 180 degree turn last night for the first time & in a very different way, after he started an argument with me. I may be seeing some changed behavior. I do know this: if he starts just one more fight with me and if it goes down a similar path as past fights? I am DONE. It is too toxic and I will not put up with it.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:46 AM
  #32
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This...(see your quote above)

What do you consider negative input? Lots of red flags before you got married but you didn't want to hear 'negative input'. People have different opinions but if those opinions differ from your own opinion...it doesn't make them automatically negative. Just my two cents...


Why would you say this ? Anyone who starts a thread is allowed to say what they are looking for. Some want advice. Some want opinions and some want support. I don’t think Eve is necessarily looking for people to agree with her, I think she is looking for people to be mindful and supportive in what they say.

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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:53 AM
  #33
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Why would you say this ? Anyone who starts a thread is allowed to say what they are looking for. Some want advice. Some want opinions and some want support. I don’t think Eve is necessarily looking for people to agree with her, I think she is looking for people to be mindful and supportive in what they say.
Yes exactly. Thank you, Sarah.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 11:30 AM
  #34
Last night really turned things around all for the better. He apologized, he quickly regrouped after a heated argument that HE started, he saw that he was repeating what happened in his prior marriage, and he said this stops now... the fighting. I truly hope this means he will change his behavior and reactions to me. But now I have greater hope for better days with less fighting. I decided, like I wrote above, if I experience just one more toxic fight, I’m leaving and I’m done. He finally pushed me to my limits last night with the latest fight we had.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 03:16 PM
  #35
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Last night really turned things around all for the better. He apologized, he quickly regrouped after a heated argument that HE started, he saw that he was repeating what happened in his prior marriage, and he said this stops now... the fighting. I truly hope this means he will change his behavior and reactions to me. But now I have greater hope for better days with less fighting. I decided, like I wrote above, if I experience just one more toxic fight, I’m leaving and I’m done. He finally pushed me to my limits last night with the latest fight we had.


This is wonderful news, Eve. People CAN change for the better if they really want to. It's a hard, continuing effort, but there's nothing like a special relationship to provide that motivation.

Very best wishes to the both of you.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 03:39 PM
  #36
Sounds like he is realizing he has some bad patterns and is trying to stop them. That’s huge. If you set a boundary for yourself-“not one more fight that bad”, you need to tell him that because its only fair and gives him a chance to work with you on new ways of solving disagreements before things escalate. I would recommend working with him to make a list of ways to do this so you can refer to it when feelings start to rise. Maybe define the main disagreement, then take a walk to clear your heads. Is there a possible compromise, etc My therapist just gave me some rules for communicating that are supposed to prevent things lapsing into a fight. You’ve probably heard them. Things like saying “I understand what your saying...”. You could google this way of communicating.
You dont have to co-mingle your money. Sounds like you had better have separate accounts. In fact, that might take some of the stress down a notch.

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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 04:52 PM
  #37
It's great that he's recognizing his problems, and I agree with this:

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I would recommend working with him to make a list of ways to do this so you can refer to it when feelings start to rise. Maybe define the main disagreement, then take a walk to clear your heads.
You're still going to have disagreements, and a part of a good relationship is being able to work through an argument in a healthy way.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:06 PM
  #38
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Originally Posted by Mopey View Post

This is wonderful news, Eve. People CAN change for the better if they really want to. It's a hard, continuing effort, but there's nothing like a special relationship to provide that motivation.

Very best wishes to the both of you.
Thank you so much! It is encouraging, for certain. It was quite the miraculous turnaround. Perhaps he realized what is truly at stake: losing me, the relationship, our marriage and everything we've built together.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:07 PM
  #39
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Sounds like he is realizing he has some bad patterns and is trying to stop them. That’s huge. If you set a boundary for yourself-“not one more fight that bad”, you need to tell him that because its only fair and gives him a chance to work with you on new ways of solving disagreements before things escalate. I would recommend working with him to make a list of ways to do this so you can refer to it when feelings start to rise. Maybe define the main disagreement, then take a walk to clear your heads. Is there a possible compromise, etc My therapist just gave me some rules for communicating that are supposed to prevent things lapsing into a fight. You’ve probably heard them. Things like saying “I understand what your saying...”. You could google this way of communicating.
You dont have to co-mingle your money. Sounds like you had better have separate accounts. In fact, that might take some of the stress down a notch.
Thank you very much!

Those are great suggestions! I have told him I cannot handle it anymore. He knows it needs to stop. I think we definitely need some tools to help deescalate things and defuse any arguments in the future.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:09 PM
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You're still going to have disagreements, and a part of a good relationship is being able to work through an argument in a healthy way.
YES. That is the key operative word: resolve things in a HEALTHY way. What I've been experiencing with these fights is totally toxic. I cannot exist in a toxic relationship again. And I will not, no matter how hard it may be to leave.
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