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DazedandConfused254
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:24 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
I don't want to divulge too many details of what's happening in my marriage right now because I don't want to hear negative input that will influence me. I know people will most likely tell me to leave him IF I do relate all the details..

I need to work this out for myself, & suffice it to say, I've been questioning whether it will last.... and we JUST got married only a few weeks ago!

We've been having many problems, some of which I knew and saw, some of which I am only seeing now. The thought of having to end this sooner than later made me beyond depressed and suicidal feeling the other day.

I am posting this simply to have people respond with support around my conflicting emotions and confusion.

I do love him, but I have mounting concerns, some of which are financial.

We also have had some bad fights, just before the wedding, during the honeymoon and after the honeymoon.

He has anger problems and can be explosive. He will not admit to this, but he has a very bad temper.

He will NOT go to a counselor. He says that IF that comes up, then that means the relationship is over.

I know that what that is really about. He doesn't want a counselor telling him that he in is the wrong. He is very defensive and cannot be in the wrong. He DOES apologize when he hurts my feelings and CAN take some amount of ownership when I tell him so.

I don't know how I feel, I really don't. I DO love him and want it to work out, but then I see the mounting concerns and problems and I feel very pessimistic about it.

There's a LOT at stake if I leave him. A LOT. I would lose my whole social network that we both share, and a lot more than that. And I know I need to grapple with those issues...

This is a process. We just got married. I am not willing to pull the plug that quickly.

But I knew before the wedding that I had serious concerns..... and I went through with it anyways. I could not deal with a breakup right then and there. And I knew just before the ceremony while we were fighting that it was maybe a mistake.

What's worse is I am not talking to family about it. Only a couple of girlfriends. I am not letting many people into this situation, again because I don't want to be influenced.

There are good things too and he can be most loving and endearing a lot of the time, but the concerns are big and valid, especially when it comes to finances.
I am deeply sadenned that you are going through all of this! It's great that you have witnessed a turnaround in your hub's behavior but it's always important to remember that you are unique and have your individual needs, thus continual assertion of your boundaries is necessary. You have a right to seek a marriage counselor without being controlled. This also extends to your closest friends and family members. You can speak up if you are screamed at or have seen too much temper. You have a right to end any relationship, from casual to romantic, that's not founded on security and love. Most importantly, you are a worthy, loveable, and thoughtful person with your own story, strenghts, and weaknesses! I hope you remember you have my support and everyone else's here; you are very much valued despite everything you're going through!

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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:26 PM
  #42
I came home today and looked around at our apartment and at everything we've created and built together to make it a nice home for ourselves. It made me very sad to think that this could break apart one day. I definitely have reached my limit through the course of this thread, however. I am now prepared mentally to walk away and break it off, IF I have to and IF he becomes toxic towards me again through fighting and nasty words being thrown. I will NOT put up with it. I have hope right now though, I don't know how much hope, but I truly hope that he can turn himself around. At least I know my limits. I feel good about that.
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 05:29 PM
  #43
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Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254 View Post
I am deeply sadenned that you are going through all of this! It's great that you have witnessed a turnaround in your hub's behavior but it's always important to remember that you are unique and have your individual needs, thus continual assertion of your boundaries is necessary. You have a right to seek a marriage counselor without being controlled. This also extends to your closest friends and family members. You can speak up if you are screamed at or have seen too much temper. You have a right to end any relationship, from casual to romantic, that's not founded on security and love. Most importantly, you are a worthy, loveable, and thoughtful person with your own story, strenghts, and weaknesses! I hope you remember you have my support and everyone else's here; you are very much valued despite everything you're going through!
awwwww, thank you SO very much for your kind words and supportive encouragement!

I agree with everything you wrote! You are so right on about all your points. I do have these rights, and I am definitely aware of it. I have made my voice known, and I will not be controlled OR silenced. If that is how he wants things to be, I will most definitely walk away..... but he does seem to have come around to a very different place than he has expressed before. So there's some hope... like I just wrote above. A sliver of hope. Thank you. (((((((hugs))))))))
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 07:06 PM
  #44
Good for you knowing your limits and asserting your rights (in a loving manner).

The way I look at things (and I realize that my opinion might not be popular- although I think you share it), that there are things in life that we MUST do and often having to put up with unpleasantries: we must have a job to pay bills, we must provide care for minor children if we have them, we must pay rent if we are renting etc Those are “musts”.

Marriage in my opinion is not a MUST. It’s not something people have to do. One can be single and just enjoy friendships or single and date or single and live together etc etc

Since marriage isn’t something we must have, I don’t believe that we must put up with something or accept something that we don’t enjoy or allow something or even simply have less than what we want. I personally see no reason. I am not saying people must divorce after one fight or expect 100% perfection but I honestly think something close to 100% is desirable, otherwise why be married?

That’s why I am pleased to see that you want to stay if things improve and are good and you won’t put up with it if things are not right. That’s wise and logical approach.

In a meanwhile I am glad he is showing improvement. Good news!!!
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 08:25 PM
  #45
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Good for you knowing your limits and asserting your rights (in a loving manner).

The way I look at things (and I realize that my opinion might not be popular- although I think you share it), that there are things in life that we MUST do and often having to put up with unpleasantries: we must have a job to pay bills, we must provide care for minor children if we have them, we must pay rent if we are renting etc Those are “musts”.

Marriage in my opinion is not a MUST. It’s not something people have to do. One can be single and just enjoy friendships or single and date or single and live together etc etc

Since marriage isn’t something we must have, I don’t believe that we must put up with something or accept something that we don’t enjoy or allow something or even simply have less than what we want. I personally see no reason. I am not saying people must divorce after one fight or expect 100% perfection but I honestly think something close to 100% is desirable, otherwise why be married?

That’s why I am pleased to see that you want to stay if things improve and are good and you won’t put up with it if things are not right. That’s wise and logical approach.

In a meanwhile I am glad he is showing improvement. Good news!!!
Thank you, Divine.

I understand where you're coming from. I don't feel I must be married. I did want to find my life partner, for as long as I can remember. I held off for years to find "the right one". I thought I had the right one in my current man. And I may still have the right partner.... he needs growth... as do I. I don't have to be married though. I can see myself still being happily single, especially if I move residence out of state and start over. That sounds drastic. But like I said before on here, a lot is at stake IF we broke up, including my entire social life. And in that case, I may opt to move out of state. But I cannot let that be a reason to stay. I have never truly been afraid to be alone or to lose something valuable for the sake of my mental health and happiness. I can be very brave and strong, and that's what I am facing. At first, it was an abominable notion.

I definitely know my limits. IF something happens that is far too toxic to my mental health, and if it becomes clear that this is in fact, a toxic relationship for me, I will have no choice but to leave. I know that much.

TY again.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 01:54 AM
  #46
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
awwwww, thank you SO very much for your kind words and supportive encouragement!

I agree with everything you wrote! You are so right on about all your points. I do have these rights, and I am definitely aware of it. I have made my voice known, and I will not be controlled OR silenced. If that is how he wants things to be, I will most definitely walk away..... but he does seem to have come around to a very different place than he has expressed before. So there's some hope... like I just wrote above. A sliver of hope. Thank you. (((((((hugs))))))))
You’re so welcome!!! I’m so glad that you could find this encouraging!! It’s all true!!! Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise!! Good for you to put your foot down because no matter what becomes of this marriage life is too short for anything but the best relationships!! You deserve it!!

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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 03:06 AM
  #47
Have you told him that you'll leave is he's to revert back to his old ways just one more time? Not that you should have to, but sometimes people need to have it spelled out to them to appreciate the gravity of their actions and the consequences that could arise from them. Even if it appears obvious. Spoken confirmation basically seals it.

Otherwise, good luck. Hope it works out.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 05:13 AM
  #48
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Originally Posted by Iloivar View Post
Have you told him that you'll leave is he's to revert back to his old ways just one more time? Not that you should have to, but sometimes people need to have it spelled out to them to appreciate the gravity of their actions and the consequences that could arise from them. Even if it appears obvious. Spoken confirmation basically seals it.

Otherwise, good luck. Hope it works out.
No I have not. I told him that I cannot continue to go through this, which is pretty much the same thing.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 05:28 AM
  #49
The gravity of the situation has now hit ME. In knowing my limit and in knowing if it happens again it's over for me, that makes this very serious. It is most sobering. I cannot help but feel the deepest sadness.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 07:56 AM
  #50
Move out of state because he wont take anger management classes or see a couples counselor—slow down guys!
All we know is that he is verbally abusive during arguments and there are financial issues. Since he knows he has a bad pattern with this, make a penalty jar and hopefully he would agree to put $100 in the jar if he slips up. Maybe he would agree to see a counselor once there is x amount of money in the jar.
DO NOT CO MINGLE YOUR MONEY. I DONT DO THAT, MY MOM DIDNT DO THAT.
If he wont get help in terms of counselors, he can at least get workbooks on anger management, conflict resolution, etc. Workbooks are great because they break things down into steps and techniques a lot more than regular books. Amazon, easy to order and return.
Do you each have some alone time and some separate activities so you have some personal space in your lives? Sounds like you are feeling trapped by formalizing things.

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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 07:56 AM
  #51
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The gravity of the situation has now hit ME. In knowing my limit and in knowing if it happens again it's over for me, that makes this very serious. It is most sobering. I cannot help but feel the deepest sadness.
The likelihood of him doing again what he has done several times before is pretty high. Although he promised to not do it again, change is not so easy. You may decide to tolerate some more of his bad behavior while he gradually changes for the better. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to.

Since this is a relatively not so long-term relationship and a new marriage, you may decide to end it now, and that is less painful than ending a longer marriage with children. But you also may choose to stay with a not-so perfect relationship and accept the good that you both do have.

I know how hard this is and again empathize with your conflicted feelings!

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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 08:24 AM
  #52
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The likelihood of him doing again what he has done several times before is pretty high. Although he promised to not do it again, change is not so easy. You may decide to tolerate some more of his bad behavior while he gradually changes for the better. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to.

Since this is a relatively not so long-term relationship and a new marriage, you may decide to end it now, and that is less painful than ending a longer marriage with children. But you also may choose to stay with a not-so perfect relationship and accept the good that you both do have.

I know how hard this is and again empathize with your conflicted feelings!
Thanks, Tisha.

Right now, I know what is unacceptable to me. IF he goes down the path of the unacceptable again, I am going to be forced to end things. I refuse to be in a toxic relationship, even if it means ending the marriage, & facing a TON of difficulty and challenge in doing so.

My heart feels SO very heavy and sad right now at this possibility. I am trying to be hopeful. His change the other night was truly quite miraculous. There IS some hope.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 08:56 AM
  #53
His miraculously changing shows you he knows right from wrong and is completely capable of self control.

I’m not one to talk because I’ve been gaslighted by a husband and he repeatedly does a similar dynamic with me and acts like it’s never happened before, acts like he doesn’t recognize we’ve had this exact same fight countless times!

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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 09:17 AM
  #54
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His miraculously changing shows you he knows right from wrong and is completely capable of self control.

I’m not one to talk because I’ve been gaslighted by a husband and he repeatedly does a similar dynamic with me and acts like it’s never happened before, acts like he doesn’t recognize we’ve had this exact same fight countless times!
I feel for you, Tisha, I really do.

I now understand what it's like to be in a marriage, feeling committed and wanting it to work out and to work on it. I now get it. It's far different than just being a relationship with no commitment. I take marriage vows very seriously... and I made that step, as did you.

I know you're in couples therapy. I hope it's helping. That would be most maddening to me... the gaslighting. I give you a lot of credit for continuing to work on it and for continuing to be committed.

And yes, my husband DOES know the difference between right and wrong. He held himself together for three months just before the wedding, with NO blowups and zero fighting. My therapist says that was so that he could ensure that he had me. Then the blowups started again.

GRRRRR.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 09:42 AM
  #55
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I feel for you, Tisha, I really do.

I now understand what it's like to be in a marriage, feeling committed and wanting it to work out and to work on it. I now get it. It's far different than just being a relationship with no commitment. I take marriage vows very seriously... and I made that step, as did you.

I know you're in couples therapy. I hope it's helping. That would be most maddening to me... the gaslighting. I give you a lot of credit for continuing to work on it and for continuing to be committed.

And yes, my husband DOES know the difference between right and wrong. He held himself together for three months just before the wedding, with NO blowups and zero fighting. My therapist says that was so that he could ensure that he had me. Then the blowups started again.

GRRRRR.
When he stopped during that three month period, was it also sudden like what happened recently? Or was it a gradual decline until he eventually stopped?

Im curious as to why he suddenly stopped recently. Did you say something that you hadn't said before, like you telling him you can't continue like this any longer?

I also wonder what his reaction would be if you actually asked him why, as well as why he doesn't want to seek proffessional help as another poster pointed out. His response could be telling, but even if he responds apprioproately, i'd still be cautious. Because,

If the first time was also a sudden change, and you saying something with more gravity is what had him stop this time around, then your therapist may be onto something.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 09:49 AM
  #56
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When he stopped during that three month period, was it also sudden like what happened recently? Or was it a gradual decline until he eventually stopped?

Im curious as to why he suddenly stopped recently. Did you say something that you hadn't said before, like you telling him you can't continue like this any longer?

If the first time was also a sudden change, and you saying something with more gravity is what had him stop this time around, then your therapist may be onto something.
The three months where he had stopped, it was not a sudden change. I made it a condition of marriage: that he not raise his voice at me ever again. I said the only way I will marry you is if that does NOT happen. It is NOT the kind of relationship I am willing to have. So he stopped, and we had a blissful three months. Prior to that, it was about once per month where he would blow up at me.

This go around, I did not say anything special. I simply put it all back on him when he started falsely accusing me of BS things (that he was projecting onto me). I told him that HE starts all the fights, and I asked him "what is wrong with you????" something like that.

But no, nothing really special. I ran upstairs to get away from him yelling and told him to just leave me alone. About ten mins later is when he completely turned it all around and changed his tune entirely.

During this fight though, I had reminded him of my condition of marriage, and I informed him that he had broken his promise to me.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 09:53 AM
  #57
So you told him months ago that you would leave him if he raises his voice, he does it anyways and you stayed? Just an observation. You have to be willing to act on boundaries if you want them to mean anything.

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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 10:06 AM
  #58
No. I made it a condition of marriage. He did not blow up at me again until literally just days before we were due to leave for the honeymoon and wedding. I could not bare with a breakup at that moment in time and went through with it, knowing it was maybe a mistake.

And now I've reminded him of that condition. I know I will have to follow through on boundaries. IF he behaves like he did the other night even one more time, I am going to be forced to leave him. The reason being, it will be clear as day to me that it is impossible to work with him and it is an impossible relationship for me.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 02:57 PM
  #59
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No. I made it a condition of marriage. He did not blow up at me again until literally just days before we were due to leave for the honeymoon and wedding. I could not bare with a breakup at that moment in time and went through with it, knowing it was maybe a mistake.


And now I've reminded him of that condition. I know I will have to follow through on boundaries. IF he behaves like he did the other night even one more time, I am going to be forced to leave him. The reason being, it will be clear as day to me that it is impossible to work with him and it is an impossible relationship for me.


I’m very sorry this is happening. I’ve been hoping that the two of you are going to be able to relax after all the stress of a new marriage settles down... and talk through your issues. Maybe it’s much more than that but I’ve been hoping that it’s not. I know that marriage is very hard. Even good stress brought about by positive life changes can actually cause all kinds of problems. I sincerely hope things get better. I may have made a mistake getting married
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 06:20 PM
  #60
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I’m very sorry this is happening. I’ve been hoping that the two of you are going to be able to relax after all the stress of a new marriage settles down... and talk through your issues. Maybe it’s much more than that but I’ve been hoping that it’s not. I know that marriage is very hard. Even good stress brought about by positive life changes can actually cause all kinds of problems. I sincerely hope things get better. I may have made a mistake getting married
I don’t think marriage has to be very hard. It could be. But doesn’t have to. What I observe is that marriage is usually hard when people aren’t a very good match. Could be also hard when major unexpected tragedy occurs like death, serious illness etc that’s understandable. I absolutely don’t believe and don’t observe marriage being hard under normal circumstances.

Why should it be hard? Why get married then? To have a hard life?
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