My boyfriend has protection?

Multiple Choice:

Someone Bad
Someone Important
Someone Famous

You have every right to know...

Jp, from what you have shared, you certainly got swept up into suddenly being with an individual who definitely is not the average guy. You mentioned that this is your first experience dating. This means you are still learning about dating and relationships. Somewhere in your thread you mentioned he is not your boyfriend, just a date, and that's important to keep that perspective. At this point, all you are doing is spending time with someone and getting to know that person. You do not OWE this person anything or any kind of commitment just because he asked you out either. By saying that to you, it doesn't mean I am assuming anything about you. Instead I am just trying to encourage you to remember that you have a right to determine if you are even interested in involving yourself with this individual who clearly is living a lifestyle that is out of the ordinary.

So far from what you have shared of this individual, the person who he wants to experience a relationship with is expected to live in HIS world and how HE needs things to be in order to feel or be "safe". He has shared "some" things with you about himself, it's very important you pay attention because the last thing you need to have happen is to lose YOUR identity and become something HE has taken over to become a part of HIS life. Also, it doesn't matter how much the people around him say, "it's nothing, it's not that bad really, just ignore this and focus on HIM". Again, that's about HIM, not you and what it means to YOU to have these watch dogs around constantly and pretty much "hyper vigiliant" over him.

You just learned an important piece of who he is that you need to really pay attention to. He shared that he has ptsd and has also engaged in self harming. I suffer from ptsd myself, so I know that it's an ongoing challenge and that it's something a person has to learn how to manage and it's definitely a lot of work and requires a lot of patience. I also know that having ptsd makes it hard to feel "safe" and often there is a strong urge to withdraw and isolate. You shared that you went to a dog rescue place with him and he was told he could not see the animals because it might upset the animals. You mentioned he got angry about being told that and said these people were being terrible. That is important to pay attention to because it got him upset and there IS a reason for that. So far what you described is how he is used to having people around him to watch over him and he doesn't really pay for anything but that's done for him too. It also sounds like HE makes the decisions as to where you two will go and what you two will do. Also, often an individual with ptsd gets uncomfortable in public places and they are actually very particular in what places they are willing to go, and they like to be able to make a quick exit if they are some place with too many people as they can experience a sensory overload. I know this well as I experience it myself and there are places I am not comfortable going myself and I like to be able to leave if I get overwhelmed.

He has talked briefly about something he experienced in his past, something he wishes he could have caught on sooner about so he did not have to experience the outcome that most likely traumatized him. When someone develops ptsd what they tend to lose the most is "trust in self". Interesting that he is drawn to "security" too, because he lost control of something and something bad happened and now he struggles with a psychological challenge that affects his sense of "security". It may very well be that you were someplace and he NEEDED to step outside for a cigerette and he got too uncomfortable and needed to leave that environment "immediately" and he has people that accomodate that. That can be a big part of "there really was no danger, just a potential so we needed to get away". What you are really seeing that is so odd to you is HIS world and how he trys to manage the ptsd symptoms that can cripple him and make him extremely uncomfortable. I know this oh so well myself and it's extremely hard to explain to other people who tend to answer with "just" comments that is the last thing someone suffering cares to hear.

What I am sharing with you Jp, is how you will have to live your life around HIS needs. That is what you are actually seeing taking place. And some how, there is money that can provide him with the "security" you are witnessing him having around him that is confusing you. Also, what I think about this is HE is seeing if you are the kind of person HE can have around HIM that he can feel "safe" with. He will need someone that can understand WHY he got upset when the people at that dog rescue did not let him see the animals. It most likely was not so much that they had a rule about visitors, but how they conveyed that rule to him that upset him. They were probably cold and rude and that got him triggered. People who REALLY know him and his challenge will "get that", but for someone who has so little knowledge about how HE struggles may think his reaction was a bit much.

The time you spent at his place watching TV? He was seeing how you behaved and if you show patterns in your behavior that might "trigger" him. Truth is Jp, for him to have a relationship with someone and FEEL safe is that person has to be VERY understanding and not exhibit behaviors that make him uncomfortable. Anyone he develops a relationship with HAS TO fit into HIS world and understand the kind of "control" he needs to have to feel "safe" so he can manage the ptsd condition he has that makes him so sensitive. Given that you donate time to the homeless, he may be seeing something in you that may have the capacity to fit into HIS world. That being said, what you have been seeing thus far IS a lifestyle. It's a huge decison if that is something you can actually live with because it will have restrictions and you won't have "normal" freedoms. If he starts caring about you, he will want you to be watched so he won't have to face some kind of unknown trauma of losing something else he cares about. That's a lot of responsiblity to deal with Jp. It's a VERY different kind of lifestyle. It's very important you pay attention to what that means before you end up getting in too deep and get all confused and even hurt because of what you don't understand about what this all means and why. Remember, you do have a right to know what you are getting involved with and what that means to YOU and if it's something you even want to be a part of. This doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad person or has some strange illegal dark life either. He MAY be a deeply "hurt" person who struggles with this ptsd that makes him extremely sensitive and he needs to have people around him that help him to feel safe who understand his true challenge.

The only way you will be able to truly evaluate him and all of this strange activity around him is to hear his real story and how it traumatized him so badly. For now he seems to only be giving you bits and pieces. It's not easy to entrust just anyone with the whole story as a lot of people tend to judge and cannot really hear what someone struggling really needs them to not only hear but understand and respect.

Also, a woman can be every bit abusive and dangerous as any man. It's very possible that he experienced a relationship with a very disturbed abusive woman that actually did put a knife to his throat. It can be extra hard for a man to talk about the abuse they suffered from a woman and how that resulted in him developing this painful condition of ptsd. For all you know, you could be therapy for him in that he needs to know that not all women are bad like the one that traumatized him and that he can experience a safe nice woman too. That in itself is a challenge in that you don't even know what he needs to experience and why. That's a lot for someone who doesn't have very much experience dating and experiencing relationships to handle.

What I have just layed out in my post is a "here is what you may possibly really be dealing with" here. It isn't "normal" and you deserve to know what it all means and even if it's something you can handle dealing with.

So what are you asking then?

Jp, a lot of posters just saw some red flags they were concerned about. I myself felt what you were describing was very strange and concerning. I also was considering your inexperience with dating and relationships too. As I checked back to read more of what you have learned from this individual the red flag I saw that is important is the ptsd and his self harming challenge. Having ptsd myself, it's not something you ignore when someone talks about struggling with it. It's definitely a challenge that you need to pay attention to, it's not something trivial and some people have it worse than others too. When someone struggles with ptsd, it doesn't mean they are a bad person either. What it does mean is the person does have a challenge and have to work on the fact that they are extra sensitive and will need others to understand how they are affected by it that can be supportive while they themselves are struggling to understand it and slowly learn to manage it.

10 Tips For Understanding Someone With PTSD | Heal My PTSD

The above is one link that talks about ptsd. However, I suggest you look it up yourself and learn about it so you can better understand what this guy is dealing with and how you can be supportive and respectful towards him. Doing some research about this challenge will not only educate you, but also help you learn about what you can do to be supportive and yet also come to see the actual challenge YOU will be facing when it comes to having a relationship with someone who is struggling.

In all honesty, often what others fail to understand about me is that when they respond to me with "just ignore that person, don't allow that person to upset you, don't give that person power over you" they are failing to "get" that none of those responses are helpful at all. What someone with ptsd wants very badly is to be able to actually "just" and they can get very frustrated with how things affect them more than they care to be affected. What stands out to me is how this guy has people around him that offer him a very different "kind" of security. If you take time to read and learn about ptsd, you will start to understand it all better. It will also be appreciated as well.

So why make an account on a site for mental health support and post?

yes, please address this jp

Jp you stated you are not here for mental health support. this has me wondering why you signed up on psych central wondering if you were looking for something else.

psych central is a mental health support website, everything on it is for mental health...

examples of what you will find here on psych central...

the community area (where everyone posts on all these message boards called forums)

this is where people with mental disorders post about their own mental disorder problems, then others post back to them sharing whether they also have that problem and how their own psychiatrists and therapists and medical doctors are helping them with their mental disorder....

since you are a member of psych central this means ...

you are a person with a mental disorder and would like help in understanding your problems, and someone to listen to your problems in a non professional way. (in other words getting support for you and your mental problems)

OR

you are someone who has a family member or friend with a mental disorder and are looking for help in understanding your family or friends mental problems (this is also called getting mental health support here)

Psych central is ..........not.........a dating or relationships website. when people here post in the relationships forum its because they want non professional mental health support because their or their loved ones mental disorder is causing problems in their relationships.

We are not here to judge you, we are not here to tell you to break up with the dude. we are trying to figure out what you would like from us in the way of mental health support since this is an online mental health support group and website.

since this is an online mental health support group some of us have posted to you the red flags that we see in the posts that you, yourself have posted to us. you were the one that asked us what was going on, in your very first post in this thread.

since this is an online mental health support group we are posting from the mental health support frame of mind. we are showing you things in your post that would cause ourselves to become worried for your mental well being.

since you dont want our mental health support that psych central is for we are now wondering why you have posted this and asked for our help in figuring things out.

obviously you dont feel this is causing you any mental problems (anxiety, depression, PTSD, bipolar problems, Schozphrenic problems, psychosis problems, dissociative problems... all that kinds of stuff that is what this site is for)

so now Im asking you, why did you sign up for psych central if you were not looking for mental health support and what can we do to help you in the frame of what this site is for.

suggestion maybe you can check out all the different mental health forums here and get an idea of what this site is for and then decide first why you posted this thread and then how we offer you non professional mental health support based on how dating this person may be affecting your mental health. if there isnt anything then to me this whole thread is probably off topic since this site is for getting and giving non professional mental health support, just like if you joined a support group in your home town on some mental disorder.

Yes, now I am curious too! This is a site for mental health issues and support around those issues, pertaining to ourselves or someone else perhaps that we are involved with.

Because this section is for relationships and communication?

You don't have to have a mental health issue to be a member of this site. Anyone is welcome to join and interact. It's probably not what you were thinking about either when you asked your intitial question. However, given what this guy did share with you, it's actually beneficial that you did share and he ended giving you a very important thing for you to learn about too. Sometimes, something can shed some light once you learn more about a person and it's nice to have others that can help you with that too.

Jp, I am sorry to be so blunt, but you miss the point. This is a mental health forum first and foremost. It is mandated as a community for the discussion and support of subjects that pertain to mental health. As such everything is structured within that framework. So, yes, the topic of this sub-forum is relationships and communication; but, the model of this subject is within the theme of mental health. Thus, this is a forum for which to discuss how your mental health is affected by your relationships AND how your relationships are affected by your mental health.

What is happening here doesn't seem to pertain to either - except that it is evident -sorry, me being blunt again- there may be a mental health issue involved.

There are those who will disagree but I am pretty sure too there will be those who lean as I do to questioning the veracity of your stories. I am not going to validate them by giving you words of unfounded encouragement. What I will say is that I think you need some help with this and I highly suggest that you find some sort of therapist to discuss this with if you haven't already. I am super super super concerned.

Jp31 whatever is going on, we wish you well! Peace, hope, and a bright future to you You deserve it.

No one can tell you what to do, and no one is being judgmental. We are all just saying what we see as objective 3rd parties. And what many people are saying is that this man seems very shady. There is no reason he shouldn't be able to lay all the cards on his table and not use vague terms like "business plan" when he means organized crime. Yes, every one deserves a chance but not at the risk of your safety. You keep saying that there are no safety concerns, but you are ignoring that he has people protecting him. So YES, there are safety concerns and you should be concerned for your safety. If you are willing to risk that, great, keep dating him. It sounds like a dangerous relationship, and based on your accounts, he does not sound trustworthy, and I would be very concerned for every aspect of my life, getting involved with a person like this.

If that's all okay by you, and you're willing to deal with the consequences, then by all means, stay with him. Just know what you're getting into.

I think there is a concern that you originally came to the forum appearing somewhat worried and asked what we think of all this.

But when you heard opinions, which were pretty much the same, you became upset and accused people of being judgemental even though people just answered your questions and based responses on what you shared, no one judged.

So if you didn’t want to hear answers, I am unsure why you asked.

You are dating a man involved in organized crime and you seem to enjoy some aspects of it like free food and being driven around and perhaps some elements of danger and drama and power excite you or you’d end this afterbthr first date

I recommend to seek professional help and try to get to the bottom of it to see why you are attracted to such men instead of stable men living life free of danger.

No one (at least I know I don’t) wants you to get hurt so i highly recommend you take serious safety precautions.

Him running for office does NOT prove he is a great guy. Even if he is a great guy, this sounds dangerous for you. I was young once, and he sure has some great romantic moves, but really, hoping this is like a thrilling movie is really naive. I’ve done some stupid things hoping an obviously toxic situation was ok, but here you’re telling everybody and everyone is warning you off. Come on, girl, when does he say things would be safe without all the security? I would at least stay inside where it’s safer. I cant believe this!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jp31 The impression I got about being whizzed away in the car was that someone was at that time possibly a danger, or could put him in danger. The people who take him places, and are looking over him always keep tabs on him,

If this is danger for him then its automatically danger for you.

Quote:

A court order had declared that him and his ex partner must not have contact, however she is now dating the individual who arranged and set up my date 8 years ago. My reasoning behind us being taken away so quickly was possibly that she was there alongside her cronies and this could of possibly posed a legal complication or a threat to him. I know this entire relationship breakup has screwed him up

Did he explain the no contact order? Was it for domestic abuse on either side?

Quote:

I believe that the protection measures where there when we had our first few dates to protect him from possible setups or attacks by the other parties.

Do you see the words you are choosing to describe this situation? Attacks, danger...

Quote:

By now I'm fairly confident that nothing sinister is going on, and we've had no ordeals. He's planning to move closer to his new job within the security services soon which is ironically in my town, if he was too involved in organised crimes or some kind of syndicate then he wouldn't be able to leave it so easily, surely?

What makes you confident?
I understand that the opinons you heard may not be what you wanted to hear but you asked for opinions. When you shared what you shared we only have that to go on. So when someone points something out or asks a question they are basing that on what your posts say. Its unfair to say we are judging you or being unfair if we can only refer to what you have share. Frankly I an surprised that you are not more upset about this. The adjectives you used to describe things all involve danger, conflict and covert behavior. I do not see how you could possibly not be involved with those same dangers if you are dating him. How do the people protecting him actually protect him? do they whip out karate moves, use guns or other means of force?

This is exactly what a potentially toxic and controlling person looks for. They can see YOU a mile away and they get so they KNOW if they treat a very niave often young inexperienced women a certain way they can gain full control. And they often have what is called their "flying monkeys" that follow them loyally too.

It's very important to NOT get caught up in the love bombing and intrigue. Individuals that can end up trapping someone they know is very inexperienced DO follow a certain playbook (it's called grooming) and they KNOW it works.

There are pimps Jp that look for young girls and promise them they will be protected and often their prey is young runaways. There are politicians that do this, there are teachers that do this and individuals in the mob and people who figure out how to act a certain way where they gain a lot of respect by colleges but also have a darker side to them that preys on inexperienced young women. These individuals can have a lot of power and respect like Bill Cosby who groomed many young innocent women only to date rape them and they say "I am so well liked and respected that if you tell no one will believe you". This is what a top respected news reporter did, Matt Lauer. He had collegues that respected him and trusted him that ended up being completely shocked when his darker side was finally exposed.

Often the grooming includes making the victim think THEY are the one with the power that is special and deserves special treatment. From what you wrote in your quote above, you are showing already that you are falling into this mindset. You are so inexperienced that you don't even realize that a controlling and potentially toxic individual knows just how to get you into this mindset you posted above.

When you are IN that mindset, that's when you really need to step back and really look at things. Every single victim ONLY sees it all "after they have been hurt and tossed to the curb" or when they are STUCK in the trap and can't see their way out of it. MANY predators Jp actually use some kind of "charity" or "social giving and caring environment" as a cover too. Predators always look for someone that is not independently strong and self sufficient too. Inexperienced in EVERY WAY that proves to be THE perfect target. Believe me, these individuals DO know exactly what to look for. HE has all the power Jp, and that's how he likes it.

There is NO WAY you would be able to really have ANY power.
HE has all the power Jp, and that's how he likes it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

((Jp)),

When someone "grooms" what is typically an inexperienced and still niave person to gain control over them, they ALWAYS try to make that individual believe THEY HAVE POWER and are special in some way. Often the abuser will KNOW how to make themselves appear like they need you to feel good and whole too. They KNOW who will be someone they CAN do this with too.

In your own thread here, you had a lot of different individuals "some of which were themselves victims", look at what you shared and they did see red flags. At the same time though, you were beginning to WANT the power that you were experiencing with this person. When have you ever experienced anything so exciting as this? After all, experiencing someone that has so much attention like this who WANT'S YOU is exciting.

When someone is "love boomed" they can't help but feel good and excited. After all, suddenly someone who has a certain kind of charisma is seeing YOU as special. It really creates this feeling of "empowerment". Often it can feel so amazing that you don't even see the web you are being pulled into. This is when a person "doesn't want the realism, but want's the MAGIC". Everyone loves the fantasy and the fun and excitement and to feel a sense of power.

Yet, when that doesn't last and REALITY starts to happen? That's when that feeling of "power" starts to fade and the person begins to see how much power they DON'T HAVE. They miss all that magic and power and they desperately want it back, so much so that they accept the scraps that are tossed to them. What they failed to see is WHO really had that power the whole time. They did not see that they did not have the power at all, it was only an illusion.

What began to turn you off in your own thread? People were pointing things out to you that concerned them while at the same time you were being "groomed and handed exciting power".

When that happens, the only way to pull someone back in hopes they share more and listen, is to GIVE THEM POWER. Otherwise, they will just run away to where they ARE getting power, often blindly. The HOPE is that this person listens and finds some power within them to actually PAY ATTENTION and LOOK.

When a person doesn't listen and runs to the web only to end up being hurt badly, that is when that person really feels VERY powerless and ASHAMED. At that point the ONLY way anyone can help that person even begin to recover is to "give them power". Did you know that? It can be a long, long road to recovery and having a sense of power back. A caring person, often one who is professionally trained tries to give you your power back, they don't have any other agenda than to help the patient SLOWLY regain something that they lost in a significant way.

In this situation you are describing I cannot stress enough to you how important it is for you to pay attention to YOUR OWN POWER and not the power someone else is trying to create FOR YOU in order to EMPOWER THEMSELVES. It is very important to see WHO really has THE POWER because that is always going to be the person that HAS the power AND everyone else goes along with it. In a situation like this YOU only are important as long he HE wants you to be important. That is NOT HAVING YOUR OWN POWER. A young, inexperienced person who has little to no experience with relationships doesn't see that, which often why that person is selected to be a part of.

The other posters here have lived long enough, experienced enough relationships and even some toxic ones that NONE of them would play along with this guy's game. Yet, he would never invite any of them to either, he would already know they are wise to this kind of web. You however, are not which makes you invited in the first place.

Open Eyes, this is one of the best comments I have ever seen on the forum and I have been awed by the wisdom of posters many times. It so resonates with me that I am sure it will help me in future to set boundaries and notice when my needs are not being met.

Remember luvurself, a person that wants power over you often will make you THINK he/she can make sure your needs are met.

Everything was great for 3 months, or whatever short time, WHAT HAPPENED?

It's especially hard when one is in a relationship with a narcissist. Everything seems so perfect and wonderful at first, cloud 9 until it's not. The person who THOUGHT they had the power never EVER really had it. By the time they end and get away from that relationship, they feel devasted and POWERLESS. Most need therapy, some for a while to slowly find their power back.