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captaincowboy
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Trig Jun 10, 2019 at 10:18 PM
  #1
Hello. I'm new here so I apologize if this isn't the right thread for this. I'm also sorry if this post gets a little lengthy, but I'll try my best to keep things to the point.

Around three years ago I met a really nice girl through a mutual friend of ours. We instantly hit it off, exchanged numbers, and quickly became good friends. We live over 5 hours away from each other and have busy personal lives, so we didn't get a chance to hang out in person very often, however, we would text and talk over the phone a few times a week.

As we got to know each other better, she started to reveal to me that she struggles with a lot of mental health issues. I had no problem with that since I was diagnosed with bipolar myself and could understand some of her hardships.

Every now and then she would call me (usually in the middle of the night) crying and venting to me. I didn't really mind since it only happened a few times, and I also wanted to try my best to help and support her in any way that I could. But, suddenly, these midnight calls would happen on an almost weekly basis. She would cry on the phone with me for hours and I would stay up late into the night trying to give any advice that I could. This continued to go on for several months and we soon rarely talked about anything besides her and her issues. Its like I was no longer her friend, but her own personal therapist. The relationship became entirely one sided and she was never interested in anything I had to say.

I genuinely didn't mind comforting and supporting her, but anytime I suggested that she see a therapist and get help with her anxiety and depression, she would completely blow me off and change the subject. She would refuse to see any professional and would tell me that she didn't trust them. She would tell me that she's fine and didn't need help, but then would call me multiple times a week when she was having a panic attack or a depressive episode.

I started noticing some red flags and I decided that I should distance myself and create some healthy boundaries. I told her that I would no longer answer her calls or texts at night because I had work in the morning and needed to be well-rested (which wasn't a lie) and that if she had an episode during those hours she would need to contact another friend, family member, or professional. However, this never stopped her from blowing up my phone with dozens of text messages and voice mails.

I truly felt sorry for her and wanted to help her with her situation but any advice I offered her went in one ear and out the other. It started getting to a point where I was constant helping her with her own problems that my own mental health began to suffer - which I took very seriously as I have been going to a therapist and working hard for many years in order to live a happy and healthy life.

I decided to back out of our friendship as much as possible. I didn't want to be harsh and just ghost her, but I instead slowly responded to her calls and texts less and less. It got to a point where we would only talk about once a month or less and she wasn't sending any late night calls or messages anymore either.

Possible trigger:


Every single time that I would start trying to distance myself from her or back out of the friendship, she would text me and say that she was going to commit suicide but then would later admit that she didn't actually try anything.

This happened again for the fourth time this week, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like an absolutely horrible person for saying it, but she has taken so much out of my own health and even personal time with my family that, as much as I want to be a good person and help her, I can't stand being in this "friendship" anymore. However, I'm afraid that if I'm upfront about breaking things off and leaving for good, she'll actually attempt to take her own life.

I'm so lost as to what I should do and I'd really appreciate any advice you guys may have.

Thank you,

TLDR - My friend refuses to get treatment but threatens suicide whenever I try to back away from the friendship.

Last edited by bluekoi; Jun 11, 2019 at 09:55 AM.. Reason: Add triggger icon & code. Remove method of suicide attempt.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 01:58 PM
  #2
Call police and ask them to do welfare check on her. Then block her.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 02:12 PM
  #3
I feel like you already know what to do, captaincowboy! You are not her therapist and you can't help her at the expense of your own mental health. I'd suggesto to just keep doing what were you doing before. Just keep distancing yourself from her and her calls and avoid engaging too much with her. If she threatens to kill herself, call the police and ask them to check out on her and to make sure that she's not really hurting herself. I COMPLETELY AGREE with what divine1966 has already wisely said better than I ever could! Perhaps you can try to contact some of her family members and tell them how is she behaving if you have their numbers and if you feel like they may be able to help them. Unfortunately there's not much else you can do since you can't really do the work that SHE'S supposed to do! I'd say keep doing what you're doing, call the police or an hospital if she threatens any self-harm and try to focus on your own life and mental health! It is always hard when things like this happens, but it is important to acknowledge that her behavior towards you is toxic and unhealthu, both for you and for her! Don't let her emotionally blackmail you! You deserve better than that! WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK BOTH TO YOU AND TO HER! I hope things will get better soon for BOTH of you one way or another! Please don't feel guilty about what you're doing! It is NOT your fault! WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST OF LUCK IN LIFE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH OF YOU!
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 02:49 PM
  #4
I have had a few times where I ended up becoming someone's emotional dump patsy. Even though I had my own big challenges taking place, I got a quick question about me and then ended up sitting with the emotional dump. I began to realize that the presence really did not want to hear about me, but basically just needed to do an emotional dump with me. Then I even faced a lot of criticism because I somehow did not JUST only focus on their emotional dump and suddenly I am a bad person even. Well, in all honesty, the best scenario is to get the other person to WANT to stop using you as an emotional dump so you are finally released from playing that role with that person. These individuals ususally don't want to hear about YOUR challenges either, or even your opinions for that matter. All they really wanted was you to be their emotional dump patsy.

You sound like you are a nice "caring" person, you just learned a lesson about how you will need to have better boundaries so you don't end up becoming someone else's emotional dump patsy.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 03:45 PM
  #5
I only read your brief summary. Fyi.

This is not a friendship; it's a power play. Threatening suicide is a form of emotional abuse. Rather than a sincere request for help, it is a tool to manipulate and control another person. This is unacceptable in any situation and not your fault. I assume this person is an adult. If she is, then you need to just cut ties with her. If she is a minor (under 18) you can call the police and say you think she may be a danger to herself. They would likely bring her to a hospital.

Adults are responsible for their own mental health.

Please don't allow yourself to be abused by this individual anymore. Peace and hope to you.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 04:07 PM
  #6
I agree with Silver, everyone can use a friend that is safe to talk to and share emotional challenges with. What you described is someone that is abusing your kindness and expecting too much from you.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 04:08 PM
  #7
I agree with much of what has been said above. I was in a relationship like that, calls for hours wanting my support; she always wanted to discuss her problems but not mine. She'd call and complain about all the same things, her family, her on and off boyfriend and did mention wanting to take a bunch of pills a few times. It was exhausting.

Then one time that I tried to say I understood how she was feeling about something, basically being stuck in a bad living situation, which I was for quite a while, she said I had no idea what she was going through and that my situation was not so bad. Then she said none of my problems were anywhere near what hers were. It hit me then how unequal the situation was. And I sort of wondered if her family and her boyfriend were such bad people as she made them out to be. It hit me I didn´t need someone like that in my life, especially after she offered several non-apologies. I blocked her and have no regrets. Plus, I wouldn´t feel like I could discuss my "silly little" problems with her after that.


Silver Trees had a VERY good point in that as an adult she is responsible for her mental health. Threatening suicide is emotional abuse and manipulation. I would block this person if I were you.
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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 04:51 PM
  #8
I am sorry you experienced that rechu, that's a situation where you tried to be kind and caring and the other person took advantage of that only to pull the switch on you of being "superior" to you and faulting you.

Yup, there's all kinds of people out there and one can't help but learn these lessons.
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 08:19 AM
  #9
Thanks Open Eyes, I'm sorry to read that you have had similar experiences.
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 10:44 AM
  #10
Thank you all for your kind comments and advice! I feel like such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders knowing that I'm not alone.

I was trying so hard to help support and look after her mental health that I never realized that it is her own responsibility to make a change in her own life.

Thank you all for helping open my eyes to the reality of my situation and giving me the encouragement I needed to finally stand up for myself.

I wish you all the best and blessings to you all!
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 11:27 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by captaincowboy View Post
Thank you all for your kind comments and advice! I feel like such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders knowing that I'm not alone.

I was trying so hard to help support and look after her mental health that I never realized that it is her own responsibility to make a change in her own life.

Thank you all for helping open my eyes to the reality of my situation and giving me the encouragement I needed to finally stand up for myself.

I wish you all the best and blessings to you all!
A weight lifted off your shoulders! Marvelous! That's why we're all here on PC...to help each other out. I also just want to mention that my advice to cut ties with her is coming from someone who lives with depression (lifelong) and I do have SI from time to time. I think it's helpful to mention that to you in order to reinforce that most people with depression (or even SI) would never use it as some sort of threat or bargaining tool. If your friend flips out, feel free to say, "Well I just met a woman with lifelong depression who said you need to get some help for yourself and take responsibility for your own mental health."


I realize you probably wouldn't say that but you see my point. I hope this will be the beginning of a new and enjoyable chapter in your life. You deserve to enjoy your life. Friendships should enhance our quality of life; not diminish it. Very best wishes to you CaptainCowboy
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 11:34 AM
  #12
I would go not contact with her asap. Block all her avenues of communicating with you.

She may develop a strategy that is even more harmful to you than her present one. I would call the police and say someone you know is repeatedly threatening suicide in text messages to you and tell them you have now blocked her and ask them to make a welfare check.

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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 11:36 AM
  #13
5 Victim-Shaming Myths That Harm Abuse and Trauma Survivors and Encourage Spiritual Bypassing

This is a helpful article that anyone can gain from reading IMHO.

Quote:
Dr. George Simon, an expert on highly manipulative people, notes that our immense level of conscientiousness and agreeableness leave us more vulnerable to further manipulation. As he writes, “Disturbed characters know how to spot the conscientious. And they’re eager to exploit and abuse them. Sadly, sometimes overly conscientious folks delude themselves. They think they can “fix” the morally broken among us.”
A lot of good people get hurt. It's important to pay attention to what is said above. A good person doesn't always see the warning signs right away. Often they see the pain and genuinely want to be helpful to the other person.

A lot of behaviors that "some" people display is all about their own desire for "control". Abusers actually can come across as nice people yet, it's just something they use as a tool to gain their own sense of control over others.

It's important to be able to talk about suicide because a person can be so badly hurt and abused and overwhelmed emotionally that they can actually consider giving up on life entirely. However, it's not something that should ever be used to control others with.

I have myself experienced the stage of ptsd where I was so overwhelmed that I genuinely felt that no one could help me and all I would be was a burden to others. It was not anything I ever imagined experiencing either. I was at a dangerous stage at one point where the urges were very strong. I actually can understand why people give in too. The important thing about what I learned is that it's something that presents with extreme emotional duress and it can come in waves and luckily for me I happened across someone that talked about it and explained how it comes in waves and goes away. Learning that saved my life because I paid attention and saw this person was right. I also found the right help from a therapist that really did understand trauma and also was able to do actual trauma therapy.

There is a difference between someone who talks about it because they are so emotionally overwhelmed and genuinely feel totally powerless and someone who is walking a very dangerous line with it. It's definitely deeply concerning and even scary when someone decides to burden you with saying they are going to end their life when you are clearly not a professional and may not have a response to that challenge.

At any rate, anyone can find themselves suddenly caught up in someone else's emotional duress and end up not having all the answers. As I mentioned I experienced this myself only to end up being put down for whatever I failed to do for the person. It can happen and that's when you need to walk away from the situation itself.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jun 12, 2019 at 12:50 PM..
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 03:47 PM
  #14
tell her she is responsible for her own health issues. and expect backlash. have a plan. tell her your plan...(calling pd for a welfare check etc) stick to your plan. then tell her you feel this isn't the best friendship for you as it is causing damage to YOUR health and tho you are very sorry but you must end it. tactfully put the onus on you (even tho it may not be) then END it. don't ever pick up her phone calls, facebook messages what ever.

maybe not consciously she is playing you for support that has morphed into abuse...even tho I doubt she knows it is abuse. it will just get worse...you are going to get sucked in to a never ending cycle that will just get deeper and deeper and leave you feeling guilty about ending it..because she will kill herself. get out now. take the fall and say it is hurting your health so as not to produce more drama...but give her the steps
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 10:39 AM
  #15
Hello everyone!

I thought I would update a little on my situation.

I wasn't comfortable breaking off the friendship in person, as I wasn't sure how she would react, so I told her over a voicemail that I needed to break off the friendship. I told her that she could no longer contact me if she is feeling suicidal and that she would have to get in contact with an actual professional. Told her that she is a lovely person, but I can't be in this sort of friendship, especially since I need to direct my attention to my own mental health, along with work and my family.

I never got a response but woke up to several nasty social media posts from her and her friends who were calling me all sorts of slurs and names. I was pretty appalled by the harshness and immaturity. I then blocked not only her cell number but all forms of social media as well - going 100% no contact.

I still feel pretty guilty for leaving her behind, but I'm definitely aware of just how toxic our friendship truly was in the end.

Thank you all again for your words of comfort and encouragement! I'm so happy I was able to find these forums and reach out for help, otherwise I would probably still be feeling so hopeless.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and blessings to you all!
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by captaincowboy View Post
Hello. I'm new here so I apologize if this isn't the right thread for this. I'm also sorry if this post gets a little lengthy, but I'll try my best to keep things to the point.

Around three years ago I met a really nice girl through a mutual friend of ours. We instantly hit it off, exchanged numbers, and quickly became good friends. We live over 5 hours away from each other and have busy personal lives, so we didn't get a chance to hang out in person very often, however, we would text and talk over the phone a few times a week.

As we got to know each other better, she started to reveal to me that she struggles with a lot of mental health issues. I had no problem with that since I was diagnosed with bipolar myself and could understand some of her hardships.

Every now and then she would call me (usually in the middle of the night) crying and venting to me. I didn't really mind since it only happened a few times, and I also wanted to try my best to help and support her in any way that I could. But, suddenly, these midnight calls would happen on an almost weekly basis. She would cry on the phone with me for hours and I would stay up late into the night trying to give any advice that I could. This continued to go on for several months and we soon rarely talked about anything besides her and her issues. Its like I was no longer her friend, but her own personal therapist. The relationship became entirely one sided and she was never interested in anything I had to say.

I genuinely didn't mind comforting and supporting her, but anytime I suggested that she see a therapist and get help with her anxiety and depression, she would completely blow me off and change the subject. She would refuse to see any professional and would tell me that she didn't trust them. She would tell me that she's fine and didn't need help, but then would call me multiple times a week when she was having a panic attack or a depressive episode.

I started noticing some red flags and I decided that I should distance myself and create some healthy boundaries. I told her that I would no longer answer her calls or texts at night because I had work in the morning and needed to be well-rested (which wasn't a lie) and that if she had an episode during those hours she would need to contact another friend, family member, or professional. However, this never stopped her from blowing up my phone with dozens of text messages and voice mails.

I truly felt sorry for her and wanted to help her with her situation but any advice I offered her went in one ear and out the other. It started getting to a point where I was constant helping her with her own problems that my own mental health began to suffer - which I took very seriously as I have been going to a therapist and working hard for many years in order to live a happy and healthy life.

I decided to back out of our friendship as much as possible. I didn't want to be harsh and just ghost her, but I instead slowly responded to her calls and texts less and less. It got to a point where we would only talk about once a month or less and she wasn't sending any late night calls or messages anymore either.

Possible trigger:


Every single time that I would start trying to distance myself from her or back out of the friendship, she would text me and say that she was going to commit suicide but then would later admit that she didn't actually try anything.

This happened again for the fourth time this week, and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like an absolutely horrible person for saying it, but she has taken so much out of my own health and even personal time with my family that, as much as I want to be a good person and help her, I can't stand being in this "friendship" anymore. However, I'm afraid that if I'm upfront about breaking things off and leaving for good, she'll actually attempt to take her own life.

I'm so lost as to what I should do and I'd really appreciate any advice you guys may have.

Thank you,

TLDR - My friend refuses to get treatment but threatens suicide whenever I try to back away from the friendship.
I would honestly tell her: you need the help of a professional. I cannot be that professional for you. What you’re doing by threatening suicide is emotional blackmail to keep me involved in your problems as your pseudo therapist. We need to part ways and I hope you get the professional help you need. I wish you all the best and no hard feelings.

I would even say it in a letter then don’t respond to ANY calls after that.
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 05:31 PM
  #17
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Originally Posted by captaincowboy View Post
Hello everyone!

I thought I would update a little on my situation.

I wasn't comfortable breaking off the friendship in person, as I wasn't sure how she would react, so I told her over a voicemail that I needed to break off the friendship. I told her that she could no longer contact me if she is feeling suicidal and that she would have to get in contact with an actual professional. Told her that she is a lovely person, but I can't be in this sort of friendship, especially since I need to direct my attention to my own mental health, along with work and my family.

I never got a response but woke up to several nasty social media posts from her and her friends who were calling me all sorts of slurs and names. I was pretty appalled by the harshness and immaturity. I then blocked not only her cell number but all forms of social media as well - going 100% no contact.

I still feel pretty guilty for leaving her behind, but I'm definitely aware of just how toxic our friendship truly was in the end.

Thank you all again for your words of comfort and encouragement! I'm so happy I was able to find these forums and reach out for help, otherwise I would probably still be feeling so hopeless.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and blessings to you all!
Oh!! Lol... I responded erroneously to ur first post without seeing your update. Good for you!!!!! Well done!!!
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Default Jul 01, 2019 at 05:52 PM
  #18
It was extremely strong of you to end your relationship with her. Thank you for updating us on how you are! I am glad these words of encouragement empowered you to do what you needed to do. I am sorry she and her friends made those hurtful post about you but it sounds like you ended up being the larger person. Go you for ending it with respect and maturity! That is very impressive. Best of luck to you and remember you are never alone!
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