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Old 06-12-2019, 07:12 AM #1
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Default I Don't Know What To Do

I need some relationship advice. I'm in a relationship that I know is toxic, but I feel like I can't leave because I feel like she is the only person that would want to have a relationship with me, and because I'm worried about her hurting herself if I try to leave her. I'm at a point where I don't if I can save my relationship, but I want to still try to save it ,but I just can't deal with everything going on in my relationship. I can't deal with her using drugs again. I can't deal with her lying to me, and manipulating me. I can't deal with managing my mental health, and hers. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just need any advice you can give me.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:38 AM #2
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

You can leave, and should. She is in trouble for sure but likely much stronger than you think. Remember too that what people do generally has to do with themselves, not you.
The question to ask yourself, maybe is "What do I get from this relationship?" because not wanting to leave means there is something in it for you despite the toxicity---and it isn't likely to be a healthy 'need' or desire. It is really important that you be able to live with yourself before forming an intimate relationship. It is OK to be alone, and more likely you will be able to meet your own needs. Once you can meet your own needs, you can think of meeting another's. In the meantime there are casual/activity oriented Meetup groups (or go for volunteering somewhere) that can help address both loneliness and the need to engage with something outside yourself.
It isn't easy advice, I know that.....((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:55 AM #3
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostin View Post
but I feel like I can't leave because I feel like she is the only person that would want to have a relationship with me,
Why do you feel this way?
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Old 06-12-2019, 02:09 PM #4
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

If the relationship is toxic for you, Lostin, definitely end it! I understand your fears but trust me that you're much better off alone than in a toxic relationship! I'm sure you'll be able to find someone who loves you and respects you! I'd suggest to work on yourself first though! It is important to take care of ourselves before we can take care of other people! Just remember that you can't save other people! They're the ones who need to do the work! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! As for her, I'd suggest to just tell her to seek the help of a professional since she's struggling so much! It is not fair of her to damage your own mental health after all! Definitely cut off contacts with her if you can! It will be hard at first but YOU CAN MAKE IT! Keep working on yourself! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new things and new ways to cope with your feelings! Please DO consider it if you aren't already seeing one! I hope you'll be able to get the help YOU NEED AND DESERVE! I hope things will get better soon for you! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! YOU MATTER AND YOU ARE IMPORTANT! THAT'S A PROMISE! WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR LIVES TO BOTH YOU AND HER! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and her!
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Old 06-12-2019, 02:09 PM #5
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostin View Post
I need some relationship advice. I'm in a relationship that I know is toxic, but I feel like I can't leave because I feel like she is the only person that would want to have a relationship with me, and because I'm worried about her hurting herself if I try to leave her. I'm at a point where I don't if I can save my relationship, but I want to still try to save it ,but I just can't deal with everything going on in my relationship. I can't deal with her using drugs again. I can't deal with her lying to me, and manipulating me. I can't deal with managing my mental health, and hers. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just need any advice you can give me.


First reason to stay because you feel like there will be no one else is basically settling for what you have even though it's not good. Do you really think that this is a solid reason to stay with someone? It's not that you think she's great for you or you're great for each other but fear of being alone. Wrong reason #1


Reason 2, that you're worried that she'll hurt herself - it's not a good reason either. You should be in a relationship with someone capable of being independent of you and your staying due to risk of her harming herself is pretty much like that is you being hostage to that.


so far in your post you have not mentioned anything alludes to you being with this person because you are happy or committed to her but seem more entwined in it feeling obligated and trapped. Problem is it's hard to get out of that thinking even if you know it's bad but all the more reason you should.


What about this relationship is good, that are reasons that make you want to stay - is there anything? something to ask yourself.
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Old 06-13-2019, 01:17 AM #6
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

I just want to say that I want to say thank you to everyone who replied to my OP, I'm going to consider the advice I've been given before I make my decision. I will look into therapy no matter what I decide to see if It can help me with my mental help.
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Old 06-13-2019, 01:22 AM #7
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by theoretical View Post
Why do you feel this way?
She is the only person who I've ever had a relationship with who understands me, and who actually cares about me.
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Old 06-13-2019, 10:18 AM #8
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostin View Post
She is the only person who I've ever had a relationship with who understands me, and who actually cares about me.
Supposing that is true, that doesn't mean she's the only one who ever will.
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Old 06-13-2019, 10:38 AM #9
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostin View Post
I just can't deal with everything going on in my relationship. I can't deal with her using drugs again. I can't deal with her lying to me, and manipulating me. I can't deal with managing my mental health, and hers. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just need any advice you can give me.


You can't deal with the relationship.

End the relationship so you can deal with your life.
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Old 06-13-2019, 11:09 AM #10
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Default Re: I Don't Know What To Do

If she threatens to harm herself call emergency services.
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