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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 05:15 PM
  #1
I posted quite a while back about a woman (she would be upset at calling her that) I met online from Russia. Well, it is getting very real. I got sucked into this really quickly, and it took me a while to realize how similar she is to me. A more outgoing version of me anyway. I think she is the puzzle pieces I have been missing my whole life.

I have known her since last October and it seems like I have known her my entire life. I never believed in such nonsense such as soul mates but I am questioning it now.

The problem, not that it is a problem is that she got her visa (She really did fly to Siberia to get it) and plane tickets and will be here in a little over 3 weeks. Unfortunately, her vacation is only 2 weeks but hopefully that will be long enough to know what we want to do afterwards.

We got really serious, really quickly and she has pulled it back a lot since the plans were set and there is a lot of wisdom in it. She is not coming to see what little things there are to do in my city, she just wants to have a peaceful visit and see what happens. No plans, no expectations and we had made a lot before this became real, but we tossed all that.

I have a physical and dental appointment the first Monday after she arrives and that is our only set plan, she wants to come with me because she knows how nervous I get. She wants to see what it is like to live with me, go bike riding and whatever else we decide to do but she really wants to know if she would like my home and would enjoy living with me.

That is a little tough for me, and I think it is for her but is very wise since we are seriously exploring if we should be together. I can get a little intense and how quickly we fell for each other scared the crap out of her and she vanished last winter for 2 weeks while she sorted things out, that nearly killed me. Literally. So, I think this is the best approach to take it, well I hope it is.

Other than those two weeks we talk, either through text or video chat twice a day almost every single day, anywhere from 5-12 hours total depending on the day. We never get bored or run out of things to talk about. I have close to 600 photos and videos of her and she has quite a few of me as well, which is amazing. I normally pitch a fit when asked to get my picture taken or to talk into a camera. I don't even look into mirrors but she insists I am not horrifyingly ugly.

I was worried our age difference would trip us up, I am 50, she just turned 37 but it seems to be a positive thing. I do not look or act like I am 50, I probably act a little younger than she is. She really likes how I can be serious when needed but not at all the rest of the time.

The big issue for me is that I have been alone since 2002. No girlfriends and not even a friend to speak of since then. I am scared how I will react with someone staying with me, she claims to want to sleep in the same bed and I am worried I will not handle it well. What if she wants to hug or kiss or even more than that?

She knows that I have been alone for so long and she claims it breaks her heart and she understands I might be a little awkward but she expects it to not last long, what if it does? I used to be awkward in chats and videos but not anymore but that is different than having her in front on me. Strangely, my awkwardness is what made her interested in me initially so I guess it is not a bad thing. She knows about my physical and mental issues and is not scared about it and does not give her pause at all.

I am very scared I will ruin it by being too awkward and am terrified my life is too boring for her. She knows everything about my days, my past everything so there should be no surprises but you never know what someone is really like until you spend time with them. Is there any advice or tips on not to blow it with someone I hope to spend my life with?

I am just so happy that my initial feelings about her were correct. I didn't see it then but if I had met the wrong person, I would have been easy to take advantage of and that would have destroyed me. Not that I would have been suckered out of money but if I bumped into a scammer that I thought cared about me, that would probably end me.

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 05:41 PM
  #2
If you already feel that you need to act in a certain manner with her as to not scare her away, it’s somewhat alarming. The only way relationship can work in a long run and in a healthy way is if people are 100% themselves. So if you can be yourself and things will go well then you’ll go from there. If you’ll feel you need to be pretend or walk on egg shells, then it’s likely won’t work.

Personally I am somewhat surprised she wants to stay in your house and sleep in your bed without ever meeting you before. Doesn’t she have a kid? She doesn’t worry about her safety? It would make more sense to stay in a hotel at least first few days.

There was someone on this site awhile ago who went to meet a man the first time across the country and stayed in his house and slept in his bed, it ended up in a violent and dangerous situation plus she contracted STD from him and then was stalked by his girlfriend, he wasn’t even single. This is dangerous. On both accounts.

Please be safe
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 06:25 PM
  #3
I have been myself through all her chats, I am never deceptive. It is hard to accurately describe how awkward I am, especially in person. Plus, I fear that being single for so long may have given me odd habits. I am just so ugly, boring and worthless that I feel like she won't like me even though I am the same person online or in real life, and she seems very interested in me so far.

I haven't been hugged(other than my kids and grandkids) for the better part of 2 decades and the thought of hugging her really makes me nervous and she told me she wants that when I meet her at the airport. It is causing a lot of worry in me, which underscores how pathetic I am.

The only time she gets upset at me is when there is a miscommunication, she reads English precisely so my lazy English sometimes causes minor misunderstandings but it is quickly resolved. The only time I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells is during her monthly cycle, when she gets a little uptight but I have learned not to do that so that isn't a problem anymore. Basically, it is my stupid insecurities and nothing on her end. It was similar for her when I have bad headaches but she learned I can talk normally during them, just a slower pace.

I don't not have an aggressive bone in my body. As awkward as I am, people, especially women, quickly feel safe and secure around me. It is an odd contradiction. Even at my wildest, I come off as calmer than an average person is normally. I offered to get her a hotel at my expense and she told me she would prefer to stay with me because she is not coming as a tourist, unless I was uncomfortable with it. I am not, at least not for my safety. If she is violent and is coming to do me harm, then I completely misread her and I probably deserve to be hurt.

I told her that I know she is taking a huge risk. She feels we know each other so well that it should be okay. I let her know that for whatever reason, I will put her in a hotel if she decides that is what she wants.

Yes, she has a son but he is not coming. He will be going to Georgia(the country) with his father.

We have had the STD/pregnancy talk, so we will be safe on that front if something actually happens.

I almost wish she did not get approved for the visa, not that I do not want to see her. She was convinced that she would not get the visa because she heard it was one of the hardest to get so we made a backup plan to meet in Romania and after seeing Bucharest and Dracula's castle, we would spend almost 10 days on the beach of the Black Sea. That sounds much more fun than spending time in my dumpy town and house and it would put us on more equal footing since neither of us are from there. But she got a three year, multiple entry visa which certainly has many benefits for us.

Hopefully, that put you at ease a little.

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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 07:13 PM
  #4
I should add that my 2 grown daughters have no problems with her coming to visit me. My 7 sisters are all very happy and excited about it. They just tell me not to screw it up, hence this thread.

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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 07:21 PM
  #5
I am not saying you are aggressive. I am saying she can’t know that for sure so her decision to stay in the house of a stranger is very impulsive and somewhat immature. I mentioned her having a son because when you have kids you can’t just be impulsive even if they aren’t with you. I wish you the best and hopefully it works out but be careful
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 10:28 PM
  #6
Perhaps it is a little impulsive but there is nothing she doesn't know about me. Sometimes I am too open for my own good. I feel like I have known her my entire life and she feels the same way, without me bringing that up.

This is getting rather far afield. I guess I will try and act normally like I do during video chats which she really loves. It will be difficult because it typically takes months for me to not be awkward in person with people. She knows and understands about my mental issues so hopefully it will go well.

If she does hug me in the airport, I will be shaking like a leaf and I suppose there is little I could do to not do that.

Thank you for your input, it is always very useful to read your posts.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 05:07 AM
  #7
Good luck with your visit! I would try not to worry too much, if you can help it. Who knows what will happen when you meet? One or both of you may find that you prefer to keep things platonic vs. romantic. Maybe it would be helpful to tell her now that you'd rather the first visit be platonic, to lower the stress levels? You could always change your mind when she gets here It does sound like things are moving at a whirlwind pace which probably makes it scarier.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 06:31 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by qwerty68 View Post
We got really serious, really quickly and she has pulled it back a lot since the plans were set and there is a lot of wisdom in it. She is not coming to see what little things there are to do in my city, she just wants to have a peaceful visit and see what happens. No plans, no expectations and we had made a lot before this became real, but we tossed all that.

I can get a little intense and how quickly we fell for each other scared the crap out of her and she vanished last winter for 2 weeks while she sorted things out, that nearly killed me. Literally. So, I think this is the best approach to take it, well I hope it is.

she claims to want to sleep in the same bed and I am worried I will not handle it well. What if she wants to hug or kiss or even more than that?
"she claims to want to sleep in the same bed" Maybe she was just flirting but given what has happened, I wouldn't take it literally. When someone disappears for 2 weeks, they either have issues with the self image/confidence/doubts or they are trying to "hook you" (think of the image of a woman fishing for a husband--my mother always told me to play hard to get and to expect the man to pay for everything. ) I assume the emotional connection is real and that your gut is telling you that you can trust her?

The ability and desire to have good sex is one of the things I like about being married (I know you are no where near marriage. ) so it is something you eventually have to explore; however, I have seen good men choose the wrong partner because of sexual attraction. You are old enough to know this but just wanted to remind you. Don't sell yourself short but also don't be afraid to do what feels right. I am curious about whether or not feelings online transfer IRL. I hope it all works out for you.

Also, is she as open about her feelings as you are? If you are more open than her, be careful. Do you think the give and take going on between both of you is free flowing and mutual? Does she talk about herself and her dreams in a vulnerable way? These might be signs that her attraction is sincere. Plus, I think you will feel comfortable with her (deep down inside) if she really likes you. If you start feeling uncomfortable or hurt--really evaluate that, don't ignore it.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 12:20 PM
  #9
Don't you think that negotiating boundaries build a strong relationship as well as attraction. You have a right to express how you feel about sleeping in the same bed as a stranger! Boundaries create intimacy and safety?

You seem to think that you have to always say "yes", but "no" lets someone know that your "yes" is real and to be trusted. Just my take on this. Rooting for you. Anxiety is normal - feel the fear and do it is my motto. But respect your own need for space as well!!!

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 03:07 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
"she claims to want to sleep in the same bed" Maybe she was just flirting but given what has happened, I wouldn't take it literally. When someone disappears for 2 weeks, they either have issues with the self image/confidence/doubts or they are trying to "hook you" (think of the image of a woman fishing for a husband--my mother always told me to play hard to get and to expect the man to pay for everything. ) I assume the emotional connection is real and that your gut is telling you that you can trust her?

The ability and desire to have good sex is one of the things I like about being married (I know you are no where near marriage. ) so it is something you eventually have to explore; however, I have seen good men choose the wrong partner because of sexual attraction. You are old enough to know this but just wanted to remind you. Don't sell yourself short but also don't be afraid to do what feels right. I am curious about whether or not feelings online transfer IRL. I hope it all works out for you.

Also, is she as open about her feelings as you are? If you are more open than her, be careful. Do you think the give and take going on between both of you is free flowing and mutual? Does she talk about herself and her dreams in a vulnerable way? These might be signs that her attraction is sincere. Plus, I think you will feel comfortable with her (deep down inside) if she really likes you. If you start feeling uncomfortable or hurt--really evaluate that, don't ignore it.
Maybe she is just flirting, maybe she just likes to watch me blush. Well, no maybes about the latter. A lot of it is cultural, or something. She seemed genuinely surprised that I was interested in her independent of all the playful talk, pictures and videos. She very much fits into the beautiful Russian mold but doesn't seem to realize that so maybe there are some esteem issues on her part.

The only thing that gives me pause is that she really seems genuinely attracted to me. She claims it is my voice that hooked her. She heard my voice before she saw what I looked like but says she really loves the videos and pictures I send her. I used to be married in the 90's and neither her or any of my girlfriends were ever attracted to me, so it is really strange. It is difficult to believe that is true, she might just be saying that because she wants me to like myself better.

I do trust her completely now. The first few months, I watched very closely for any signs of deception or contradiction and never found any. The good thing about that is that I remember every little detail she said and she thinks I must really like her to remember small things. I do like her, so much it scares me but now that I trust her I do not scan her words and actions so closely and forget things.

It was during this time that she disappeared for 2 weeks. She told me it was very hard for her but she wanted to figure out what she felt for me. Up until early May, she would randomly decide not to come but would change her mind quickly. She seems to have no more hesitation.

At this point, if she is just using me it would only be a green card and she never pushes about marriage although we have discussed it as a possibility for the future. I tend to get way ahead of myself and serious quickly and she told me she does not want to talk about it when she is here. It is a get to know each other more intimately as see if it is as real as it seems visit.

I am attracted to her and I would love to share my life with her but I have had such bad luck with women that it is terrifying and add that to my natural awkwardness and it is a rough time. I am so worried that she might see me in person and reject me on the spot. It sometimes is all-consuming but I do realize that if I pull back I will lose her.

When I saw her on the pen pal site, there was just something that grabbed me and told me I had to write her. She says that we must be soul mates but the universe doesn't like either of us so put us on the opposite side of the world and had us be born somewhat far apart.

If she were looking just for a green card, I am hardly a good candidate since our age difference may make it more difficult, but not impossible to get her a fiance visa. Plus, why marry an old ogre when she could easily find someone nearer her age with more income and actually attractive? She is certainly not scamming for money or blackmail, she has never asked me to send her anything after well over 1000 hours talking. She knows how much money I make and knows I am not rich.

I was very young when I got married and I did it for the wrong reasons and will not make that mistake again. Being lonely forever is better than that.

She is very open about her feelings and dreams. We talk about everything in great detail. In fact, it took me longer to start opening up than it did her. Now, I feel so comfortable with her, I probably overshare. It was very difficult to become comfortable sharing everything with her online but being in the same space with a woman is something so foreign to me.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 03:20 PM
  #11
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Don't you think that negotiating boundaries build a strong relationship as well as attraction. You have a right to express how you feel about sleeping in the same bed as a stranger! Boundaries create intimacy and safety?

You seem to think that you have to always say "yes", but "no" lets someone know that your "yes" is real and to be trusted. Just my take on this. Rooting for you. Anxiety is normal - feel the fear and do it is my motto. But respect your own need for space as well!!!
It is not that I don't want to, I do. It is all so strange. Hardly anyone would say waiting 9 months to sleep together is too short and I am willing to wager that we spent more time talking in those 9 months that most couples do in their first full year of dating. I realize it is not quite the same thing but all the messages and video chats aren't meaningless either, right?

I do say no to some things, nothing important, but when I want something but hesitate it is difficult to say no even if I should, even though I will say yes in the future.

Sometimes I wish she would ask for something I really don't want just so I can say no.

She tells me I can always say no and it is fine. She also tells me 'not to ask, just take', that is a little disconcerting and I told her I could not do that. She won't even ask to do things, like wanting to see a movie. She will mention a movie she wants to see and wait to see if she can go. She told me she does that several months ago and did it last week when she mentioned a movie that she is interested in that will be out when she is here. She waited for me to tell her we will see it together.. In other ways she is much more assertive so it is challenging sometimes, but never boring. Definitely some cultural differences.

I like your motto it is more succinct than my attitude which is to just put my head down and push forward.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 03:22 PM
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Good luck with your visit! I would try not to worry too much, if you can help it. Who knows what will happen when you meet? One or both of you may find that you prefer to keep things platonic vs. romantic. Maybe it would be helpful to tell her now that you'd rather the first visit be platonic, to lower the stress levels? You could always change your mind when she gets here It does sound like things are moving at a whirlwind pace which probably makes it scarier.
Thank you!

It is, especially if someone told me last summer that this would happen, I would have a good laugh. I never thought having a friend or perhaps more would ever be a possibility for me.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 03:37 PM
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Maybe she is just flirting, maybe she just likes to watch me blush. Well, no maybes about the latter.

The only thing that gives me pause is that she really seems genuinely attracted to me. She claims it is my voice that hooked her. She heard my voice before she saw what I looked like but says she really loves the videos and pictures I send her.

She is very open about her feelings and dreams. We talk about everything in great detail. In fact, it took me longer to start opening up than it did her. Now, I feel so comfortable with her, I probably overshare. It was very difficult to become comfortable sharing everything with her online but being in the same space with a woman is something so foreign to me.
This sounds nice.

I have worked in a few call center jobs and I can sincerely tell you that occassionally I would come across male callers whose voices made me melt and want to flirt. In one of the jobs, I was signing people up for Medicare Advantage policies and that call center had the policy that if you could sign them up--chit chat away--no need to rush the call. I could stay on the phone all day and enjoy the voice. I would imagine that their gf must too.
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 02:42 AM
  #14
I could listen to certain voices all day, I can't explain it but I am glad I am not alone in that.

Strange that my voice qualifies in her opinion.

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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 04:26 AM
  #15
Just be careful, qwerty68! I'm glad you've found someone for you, but always be careful! Let us know how it goes if you can and want to! I've also wanted to say that it is important for you not to rely emotionally on only one person! Keep working on yourself! I'm sure it will benefit BOTH you and her in the long run! Take GREAT care of yourself! Please let us know how it goes with her! Sending many safe, warm hugs, qwerty68!
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 10:46 AM
  #16
I will report back how it went.

It is strange how things are going since we solidified plans. She talks less and we have not video chatted in a few weeks, she says she is busy and probably is and I know my paranoia is probably making things worse in my mind. Her son's dad is giving her a hard time also. When we talk it is very nice as always though. My mind fills in the blanks and that is never a good thing.

It is giving me nightmares, my health has also taken a downturn which is so fitting. Nothing life-threatening sadly, but it is enough to make it difficult to know how much I will be able to do while she visits and I really want this to go well. She says she would be happy and maybe happiest if we just cuddle and talk and watch movies.

I guess I will be careful, but I am not sure what that means. If it doesn't work out, I will be absolutely devastated and there is nothing I could do to lessen the blow. I don't think I will even try to find any friends, it was a stupid idea on my part.

I do have my children and grandchildren to be emotionally involved in and that will have to be enough. It just seems impossible to find friends locally and if my relationship fails, I am done with trying to find relationships. It is too difficult and stressful and if this fails than I still have a perfect record of failure.

People my age seem to either have long standing relationships and friendships or are living like a hermit and nothing in between. Right now, I am in between those and it is a miserable place to be. If she does not want to advance our relationship there is only one place for me to go

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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 11:15 AM
  #17
Are you 50 or so? Why would you say people either have long standing relationships and friendships or live like hermits? That’s not the case.

I am 53 and met my husband at 49 and got married at 50 (second time after long break in between) and I made some new friends in recent years and am still trying to make some. And they are in the same boat. Heck a friend of mine just started dating a guy and she is 62.

I do understand that certain health limitations make it difficult and I also wonder if it’s easier for women to make new friends. Women seem to do more stuff with just women. My husband complains how hard it is to make new friends which I don’t see as much of a problem. 50 isn’t the end of the world and in fact new 30 lol
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 11:16 PM
  #18
I guess I was just speaking from my very narrow viewpoint. Point taken. I think you are also correct about it being easier for women to meet friends.

Congrats! That is wonderful about your marriage.

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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 03:43 AM
  #19
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Originally Posted by qwerty68 View Post
It is giving me nightmares, my health has also taken a downturn which is so fitting. Nothing life-threatening sadly, but it is enough to make it difficult to know how much I will be able to do while she visits and I really want this to go well.

If she does not want to advance our relationship there is only one place for me to go
This sounds like classic anxiety to me. I get more anxious in anticipating an event than once it comes to pass. Even if what comes to pass is terrible; however, much of the time, I anticipate the worst and it does not turn out that way.

If she doesn't want to advance your relationship then you will just have to grieve it --you are anticipating the worst either because you sense it or just because you are preparing for the worst but it might not go that way. You still haven't met. I am glad that you are meeting her. I think you will find out whether or not it is going to work then. Try to just wait and see. Try to distract yourself and think of other things (watch a movie) in the meantime. You are an overthinker and perhaps obsess about some things? Whatever happens, I bet she may still consider you a friend. I don't doubt that there is some sort of connection. My advice is to try to accept what is--whatever happens--we can drive people away if we expect rather than just accept what they have/want to offer. Enjoy her visit as it comes because she is traveling so far just for you!
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 11:53 PM
  #20
Yesterday, she told me that I am a gift to her and today that she is worried that she will disappoint me. That is so strange to me.

I don't know what I would do if she decided I am not good enough. It will be very difficult to recover from, I would certainly give up on the idea of any kind of relationship. The reason I went so long without friends or trying to date was because my last ex-girlfriend dumping me in such a humiliating way hurt badly, and I didn't like her all that much. I am anticipating the worst because that is my experience. I know I should not do that because she is not any of my ex's , nowhere near. I am aware that if I act in a way that I am expecting the worst it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it is still difficult to not do..

My friend coming to visit is the first woman to ever reciprocate feelings for me. No one else that I have liked in my life ever wanted to be more than friends and very few wanted to be friends. I wasn't fond of women who liked me but I figured it was the best I could do. This is such a foreign but wonderful feeling. We are so similar but our differences are what makes us fit so well I think.

I definitely overthink things, you have no idea. I tend to give large meaning to meaningless events or statements. She often tells me I am doing that which is helpful but when it is just me my thoughts just spin. She is very patient and understanding of my weirdness. Obsess might be overstating things but to say I ruminate would be accurate.

Thank you for your time and insight, it is calming and very helpful.

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