advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
SoSorry7735
Junior Member
SoSorry7735 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 21
3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Unhappy Jun 12, 2019 at 06:35 PM
  #1
Hello...

I want to begin by saying that I know what I did was wrong and I feel very guilty for it. I'm posting to ask for support and advice on how to avoid ever, ever doing this again.

A few days ago I told my GF of 1.5 years that I have an eating disorder. It's something I struggled with since I have been 13 or 14 (I'm 21 now). A day or so after telling her that, she said something that was extremely triggering for me and made me feel really bad. She did this on accident.

I got angry because of several reasons that aren't important for the purposes of this post. We started fighting and I got angrier and more hurt and finally just told her to "shut up", pounded the bed next to me, and then grabbed her arm. I cannot believe that I did this. I hate myself for it. She isn't bruised or anything, she said it didn't hurt and it only surprised her, but I HATE myself for getting angry enough to behave like this. I feel like an abuser. I feel like an awful person. I never want to behave like this again.

So I am posting here to ask for advice. How can I avoid getting this angry? It's inexcusable and ugly. And how can I make it up to my girlfriend? I have apologized many times since then and told her how much I regret acting like that. She says she forgives me but I don't forgive myself. She's seemed sad since that night. She thought I hated her. I regret everything so much.
SoSorry7735 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky

advertisement
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 12, 2019 at 10:11 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing your truth SoSorry7735.

As a therapist once told me when I was feeling badly about myself one day "It's okay. You didn't kill anyone!" Sure, grabbing her arm was not okay but you don't want to do it again so tell yourself that you won't.

I think rather than asking how not to get so angry again, you want to look at two things:
- what was I so angry about?
- what can I do when I'm angry instead of grabbing someone's arm?

Anger in and of itself is not bad or wrong. It's a feeling. It can get out of hand but trying to not feel any anger is not going to work. Hard to help you unpack this since you didn't share details but that's okay! You share what you feel like. No pressure

Have you ever spoken with a therapist? about ways to process your anger or your eating disorder? I think it's fairly well understood these days that eating disorders are a person's way of trying to gain control, right? Someone can feel that they have little to no control over their external (due to abuse, stress, trauma etc) so they seek inward control via eating/not eating.

Try to view your anger as a guide rather than something to shut down or avoid. It's a sign that you need to adjust something. As is the eating disorder. Feeling angry is okay. Grabbing someone's arm while angry is not okay. You already know that. So what is okay to do while angry?

Give your gf some space now. Don't keep apologizing....apologies start to lose their value very quickly when repeated over and over. Modifying your behavior is key. Give yourself some space too. DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is one type of therapy which proves very effective for folks with anger-management troubles. An idea for you. In the meantime, probably the best thing to do when you feel intensely angry is to leave her company. Return when you are calm. You can't grab an arm when you've already left the room, right? monitor your body....racing heart, fast breaths, flushed etc....note it and leave. Breathe. Calm down. Return to talk when calm. Only when calm.

Peace and hope to you and your gf

Last edited by Anonymous44076; Jun 12, 2019 at 10:25 PM..
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky, SoSorry7735
 
Thanks for this!
Iloivar, MickeyCheeky, naturalemotion5, SoSorry7735
SoSorry7735
Junior Member
SoSorry7735 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 21
3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Default Jun 12, 2019 at 10:48 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Thanks for sharing your truth SoSorry7735.

As a therapist once told me when I was feeling badly about myself one day "It's okay. You didn't kill anyone!" Sure, grabbing her arm was not okay but you don't want to do it again so tell yourself that you won't.

I think rather than asking how not to get so angry again, you want to look at two things:
- what was I so angry about?
- what can I do when I'm angry instead of grabbing someone's arm?

Anger in and of itself is not bad or wrong. It's a feeling. It can get out of hand but trying to not feel any anger is not going to work. Hard to help you unpack this since you didn't share details but that's okay! You share what you feel like. No pressure

Have you ever spoken with a therapist? about ways to process your anger or your eating disorder? I think it's fairly well understood these days that eating disorders are a person's way of trying to gain control, right? Someone can feel that they have little to no control over their external (due to abuse, stress, trauma etc) so they seek inward control via eating/not eating.

Try to view your anger as a guide rather than something to shut down or avoid. It's a sign that you need to adjust something. As is the eating disorder. Feeling angry is okay. Grabbing someone's arm while angry is not okay. You already know that. So what is okay to do while angry?

Give your gf some space now. Don't keep apologizing....apologies start to lose their value very quickly when repeated over and over. Modifying your behavior is key. Give yourself some space too. DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is one type of therapy which proves very effective for folks with anger-management troubles. An idea for you. In the meantime, probably the best thing to do when you feel intensely angry is to leave her company. Return when you are calm. You can't grab an arm when you've already left the room, right? monitor your body....racing heart, fast breaths, flushed etc....note it and leave. Breathe. Calm down. Return to talk when calm. Only when calm.

Peace and hope to you and your gf
I mean I can try to tell some details that would help unpack, I just didn't want to make a wall of text hahah. I was upset after she said something triggering, when I had finally told her about my eating issues, and I felt it was really insensitive. She didn't mean to, but she says stuff without thinking all the time and it is very frustrating to me because I try very hard to be thoughtful and...she is not? She just kind of goes through life without thinking about much and I am an over thinker. I was kind of hurt that she didn't ask many questions about my ED, ask what might trigger me or would be upsetting, that kind of stuff, because it was a big deal for me to tell her that. I have never told anyone about my eating disorder and she doesn't seem to realize the magnitude of it, how much it effects and tortures me. It was like she thought it was a 'quirk' or something. I don't know. She wasn't trying to hurt me, it was an accident.

I have never spoken to anyone about my eating disorder or anger or anything really. I tried going to a therapist once when I was younger for depression but it was kind of demeaning. I am thinking of seeing a therapist for my anxiety/ocd/ED since they are kind of destroying my life. You are right about the control; I am absolutely a control freak, but I'm not sure why.

Thank you so much for your insight. I appreciate it very much
SoSorry7735 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, MickeyCheeky
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 12, 2019 at 11:18 PM
  #4
Thanks for the details.

I was kind of hurt that she didn't ask many questions about my ED, ask what might trigger me or would be upsetting, that kind of stuff, because it was a big deal for me to tell her that. I have never told anyone about my eating disorder and she doesn't seem to realize the magnitude of it, how much it effects and tortures me. It was like she thought it was a 'quirk' or something. I don't know. She wasn't trying to hurt me, it was an accident.

It is entirely possible that she didn't want to make a big deal out of it in case that would be embarrassing or awkward for you. You reminded me of one day when I was in college. my chemistry lab partner came out to me sort of out of the blue one day. He said he was just starting to tell people about being gay and wanted me to be the first a college because I was always kind to him. Now I was honored but at the same time I wanted to emphasize that I didn't think any differently about him....gay or straight. Anyway, perhaps he thought I didn't make a big enough deal about it? He didn't say so but who knows? I wasn't exactly sure what to say particularly as we were right in the middle of a chem lab and it was out of the blue. My point is, when you share something very important t you and you need a person to respond a certain way, it is best to tell them so. May seem odd but something like: "I am about to share something deeply painful to me. It's a big deal for me. So I'd like you to ask me some questions and spend a bit of time talking it over with me."

She doesn't know it tortures you because she's not you. I know it tortures people because my friends have shared their truths about their eating disorders. But most people are relatively clueless about x or y unless they have actually experienced x or y. And even then, not everyone with an eating disorder is the same, right?

I tried going to a therapist once when I was younger for depression but it was kind of demeaning.
That means it was the wrong therapist and/or clinic. I've had good and bad experiences of therapy. if you have the right person (that can take some work to find) you will feel supported and respected. I'd encourage you to try again.

I am thinking of seeing a therapist for my anxiety/ocd/ED since they are kind of destroying my life. You are right about the control; I am absolutely a control freak, but I'm not sure why.
This may sound strange but I think you don't really have 4 separate problems as in depression, anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder. Depression and anxiety go hand in hand, anyone who has one has the other....there just tends to be one side of the coin they focus on more or are more troubled by. OCD is a manifestation of anxiety....your effort to control it. Same with the eating disorder. These are all an indication of imbalance. Body, mind, and spirit ( I don't mean that in a religious sense) are telling you they need some help...you need to make changes in order to regain balance and wellness.

If you are an "absolute control freak" then that's because at some critical point in your life (possibly childhood?) you felt unsafe. So you learned ways to make yourself feel safe....such as controlling your food etc. Now you need to get to the root of the problem. Once you do that, the other issues will fade away. They aren't really the problem. They are manifestations of it.

Think of someone struggling with alcoholism. The drinking (though unsafe) is not the real problem. It's a way to self-medicate due to unhappiness. I've never met an alcoholic who didn't have a history of trauma/mental illness.

You don't have to answer these here. But you may want to answer them in your own home:
- any history of trauma?
- ever been abused or assaulted?
- parents always present and safe and supportive...accepted you exactly as you were/are?
- how do you view the world? Scary? Safe? A mixture?

I don't know you, but trust me, there's a reason why you feel the way you feel. Start digging (ideally with a caring and experienced therapist) and ask yourself what is at the root of all this pain? The eating disorder started at 13 or 14. What was happening back then or before? What changed? I think that's where your answers lie.

Peace and good health to you
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
WhatsNextNow
Member
WhatsNextNow has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: PNW US
Posts: 87
5 yr Member
16 hugs
given
Default Jun 17, 2019 at 12:26 AM
  #5
You have to find a therapist. You physically grabbed her in anger. That isn't at all okay. It's up to her if she stays, but that has no reflection on you doing something so you don't do it again.

__________________
50 Shades of Abuse
WhatsNextNow is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:39 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.