Future mother in law nightmare

Hi everyone this is my first post and I think it's going to be a long one so sorry in advance.

Me and my fiance have been together for about a year and a half, I love him with all my heart. We're not perfect people we both have our own issues but as a couple we talk through it and get to the root of the issue and as a team work through it except for now.
Everything was perfect for the first year of our relationship, my family loved him and his family loved me. Families have always been something that worried me in relationships, I suffer from complex PTSD from my childhood and extreme anxiety and depression so meeting future in-laws was a terrifying thought but all of that was washed away when I met them. Everything went perfect, we all hit it off with our sense of humour, I was polite and charming and we all seemed to gel perfectly or so I thought.
Once me and my fiance decided to get our own place is when things went down hill, his family would make the odd rude remark about how small our place was but it all rolled off our backs because me and my fiance loved our first place. After a few months of living there we got a letter stating that the council would be doing an inspection of the property, we figured it was routine and got to scrubbing the place top to bottom. A few days later my fiance's mum had casually told us that she had called the council and reported the place so that we would get kicked out and given a better home, now this woman is smart she knows that that's not what would have happened, we would have been declared homeless and forced to stay with her. I know this because my fiance was technically homeless and living with me for months before getting the place.
I put it down to concern and let it go, we failed the inspection on some minor things that were easily fixed so I figured no harm was done.
A few weeks later my fiance sat me down and showed me the messages he had been getting from his mum, paragraphs of text all saying how abusive and controlling of him I am, how I won't let him see his family anymore I was absolutely stunned. For the record the only reason he sees his mother is because I'm the one telling him too and kicking his butt out of bed to go see her, we live in the same town and see her constantly while we're out and about and have dinner with her once a week, I see my own family less than I see her but once again I let it go, I told myself she was probably having a bad day.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago I was having a really low point in my life, my dog got sick and ran up huge vet bills and my anxiety and depression was high. My mum had come over to visit and I just broke down in tears to her, we decided it would be best if I spent a night with my mum where I didn't have to worry about keeping the house together where I could just relax and be pampered by my mummy, my fiance agreed it was a good idea and that he'd keep the house together while I was gone. As I was walking to my mum's car my fiance's mum pulled in and asked what was going on, I told her it was all just getting a bit too much and that I needed a break, she was sweet as pie and told me to go look after myself. That evening I was facetiming with my fiance and he showed me all the gifts his mother had brought, piles of chocolates and crisps and a new headset that was meant to be for his birthday which was a few weeks away, his mother had even planned to get his hair cut the next day and a family barbeque was planned the day after I told him I was happy for him but deep down all I could think was how much better his life is without me. He asked me when I'd be back and I'd already told him before I left that I wasn't staying more than a night, our dog was on 3 different types of medication and special homemade food and he's never done any of that before I didn't want to put too much pressure on him and to look after the house on top of that. I should have just stayed because when I got back to my home his mother was there and had invited the one person she knows that neither me or her son like in the house. Not only does he do shady business the first time I met him he spoke for hours about how he'd like to bang my sister after that me and my fiance agreed that never again would be come to our home, yet there he was.
I didn't have the energy so I greeted them and just went and chilled on my balcony. They left shortly afterwards and I got some alone time with my fiance, he told me that he didn't know if I was ever coming back, I asked him what on earth would ever make him think that and he just shrugged and then I realized it had been his mother, all the gifts and attention had been her way of getting her claws into him. That evening he told me that his mother was angry at him, I didn't realize but it was actually my fiance that asked them to leave and I've never been more proud of him to stand up like that, I didn't know he had it in him but he got hell for it. He showed me the messages and again there were paragraphs after paragraphs calling me controlling, that I was selfish for leaving him like that, that I'd only came home because I saw how spoiled he'd been and I wanted in on it, that if things didn't change she'd have him committed, that I was mentally ill and that I need serious help. Those were the messages that broke me, because every word she had said was my biggest fear, I grew up being treated like that and to be told I'm doing that to someone broke me. I sat with it for a few days, talked to friends and family and looked at it from all angles and concluded that his mother had serious jealousy or possessive issues with her son. I had got messages from his entire family sending me supportive messages over my "breakdown" so his mother had told everyone I was unstable. He had arranged to meet with her for dinner a few days later and I decided to stay behind, I told him to have fun, stay out as long as he wants I just asked him to promise me he wouldn't talk about me to her and he promised.
And he broke it he came home telling me that everything was fine she wasn't mad at us anymore and we can all just forget about it and move on, but I couldn't just move on this time she had dragged my name through the mud, I told him that what she was doing was abusive but he told me she was just concerned and that I was overreacting, we almost broke up that night. He was so blind to what she was doing but he's lived his life this way it must just be normal for him now. We both agreed that we'd keep contact with her as usual but if she said anything bad about me again he'd squash it there and then.
Things have been weird since then, every time I mention his mum he gets defensive and shuts me out which makes me feel pretty alone in this situation, I'm scared to go spend time with my family incase I get attacked for it again.
At this point I'm just scared at the lengths she'll go and what it'll take for my fiance to put the pieces together and see what's really going on. Hes told me that his mother paid him to break up with his ex when he was younger so it sounds like she's been controlling him and his relationships for a while.
I suppose I mostly just wanted to vent, when I have no one around me but him and his family it's hard to tell if I'm overreacting, it's hard to stay sane. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be meeting with a therapist, I had hoped that we would be discussing my complex PTSD but this new drama has become the main focus of my life.
If you have any advice on how to cope in this situation it would be greatly appreciated, thank you X

It will never get better. You will continue to suffer if you stay with your fiance.
Take care of yourself <3

I think its good that he took a stand and asked her to leave but the fact that he has to take a stand at all is worrisome. Its worrisome because unless he seriously sets boundaries and keeps to them every single time she will continue to do these things. The question is can you live with this? What if she never changes or changes for a while and reverts back? Are you willing to have to repeatedly revisit these issues? I do not see her changing but he can. But him changing may not be enough. You have to decide if this is what you want. Marriage will not change her and he may only be able to stand up so much.

Hello Throwaway. Welcome to PC! Sorry you are struggling

You said
it's hard to tell if I'm overreacting, it's hard to stay sane. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be meeting with a therapist, I had hoped that we would be discussing my complex PTSD but this new drama has become the main focus of my life.

You are NOT overreacting. You are under-reacting. The dynamic you have outlined is abusive and dangerous. You are accepting behaviors which are deeply inappropriate and unhealthy.

She tried to get you kicked out of your home and has also threatened to have your fiance committed.....these efforts I would encourage you to report to the non-emergency police line in advance because who knows what else she may do in the future. You are dealing with much more than controlling and possessiveness here. She is likely living with an entrenched personality disorder.

The problem isn't just his mother. He is also problematic. He has not developed his own autonomy and sense of self. Someone with healthy self-esteem and self-respect would not tolerate these behaviors from a mother or from anyone.

You mentioned that he was homeless when you met him? I recommend taking time to consider why you would partner and want to build a life with someone who has not been able to support himself in a job and home of his own. I don't think that's a good foundation for marriage. And that's before you even get into all the issues with his mother and him.

Your priority needs to be yourself and your wellness. Therapy sounds like a great idea. I hope you find someone caring and experienced to help you regain some balance. I live with depression and PTSD myself. Environment and the people we surround ourselves with are very important. These need to be stable and safe people.

From a place of care and regard for you, I encourage you to reconsider getting married at this point in your life. I also think you could seriously reconsider this relationship. A marriage or friendship should enhance our quality of life, not diminish it. I'm sure you love your fiance and he has some good traits, otherwise you wouldn't have wanted to be with him in the first place. But take it from someone older than you, love is not enough. For a healthy partnership, two independent adults with well developed self-esteem share their joy with each other while respecting each other's boundaries. That does not sound like what's happening in your relationship.

I worry that your depression will continue to be exacerbated by this unhealthy dynamic....with increased stress and trauma. Sounds like you've already had prior trauma in your life. I'm sorry that happened to you. It was not your fault. You did not deserve it. You deserve peace, unconditional love, and joy. I think you need to step back, live on your own a while or possibly with your mother if she is a safe and stable person, and think about what you want the rest of your life to look like. Take your focus away from your fiance and his mother and bring it back to you. This is your life. These are your choices. Is this what you want your life to be for potentially the next 60 years? Relationships don't start unstable and then grow peaceful over time. That only happens in films. Unstable relationships remain unstable or get worse over time. You said "it's hard to stay sane" in this relationship. That's because body, mind, and spirit are telling you to leave because you are not safe. You will start to feel sane again when you have therapy and unstable people are no longer in your life.

Take good care of yourself. Your present does not have to be your future

Ps. I hope you pup feels better very soon! Pets can be such a comfort

Thank you for the warm welcome <3, it's definitely a scary step to put it all out there but I think it has given me more clarity on the situation.
On some level I am aware that what is going on is abusive but due to my upbringing I have a lot of self doubt and insecurities, often times it felt like I was the only sane person in the house and I was punished for it, I have a very strong sense of right and wrong and would give everything to protect someone from injustice but I guess when it comes to myself I just don't have the fight, I don't feel I'm worth fighting for and give in for an easier life.
Currently I cant even mention his mum without him getting defensive so to make a report to the police at this time likely wouldn't go down too well with him.
You're right he is equally responsible for this situation and it is his words and actions that have hurt me most but the kind and caring part of me just sees him as a lost puppy.
He's told me awful stories of the things she's done to him and situations she's put him in as a child, when we had minor issues with his family in the past he told me that if it ever came to it he'd choose me over his family in a heartbeat and of course I told him that I'd never ask him to do that, even now I wouldn't ask that of him unless it's his choice then it's pointless, he'll just become resentful of me stopping him being part of his families lives and then his mother is right.
As for the job aspect were both in our early 20s and clearly have a lot of issues, I have had very bad experiences with jobs in the past that ended with me being put on heavy duty anti anxiety medication because I have an extreme phobia of making mistakes and in a job those mistakes have actual consequences so I'm not in a great position to be asking my partner to get a job.
He has taken steps to seek therapy and I was very proud of him for doing that but the more time goes on the less enthusiastic he sounds about it.
I however am very excited to see a therapist, I've been to quite a few in my life and didn't have great experiences because I was afraid and didn't know how to tell them what was going on, one of them called me a liar in our first session and I kind of just went along with her anxiety booklets after that but this time I am more confident and I won't be intimidated by someone who is supposed to help so even if they're the worst therapist in the world they will sit there and listen to me and watch me bawl my eyes out and just let it all go.
As for the marriage thing I think we're both quite comfortable staying in the fiance phase, I don't even have a real ring. it almost feels as if we're two children in adult bodies playing house and I suppose that is the truth of it, we both suffered abuse at a young age and haven't moved on since and I suppose that's also why he'll always crave the approval of his mum.
I've done quite a lot of research into my issues and emotions and I feel I'm at least able to have a good understanding of what's actually going on inside, I'm always questioning my painful emotions and trying to get to the root of it to deal with the real problems, I'm definitely 10 times the person I was a few years ago and I guess when I look at my fiance I see myself back then.
My kind nature compells me to try and help him but I know it's something he has to do himself, I can't make him see the situation for what it really is but I also know that I'm the only person in his life who is there for him, who'll sit there and cry with him when his trauma comes up, who'll build him up when his family is tearing him down.
I feel like I'd be throwing him to the wolves to leave him but I also understand that he is making this choice and doing worse to me.
My mum is very caring she would take me in in a heartbeat but I couldn't ask that of her, since I moved out she regained her living room which had been a bedroom for quite a while and has put most of her time into creating a stunning home, I couldn't ask her to sacrifice that.
For now I will focus on myself like you have suggested, hopefully he does see a therapist and hopefully he does make progress but that's all I have right now is hope.
Also my dog has made a full recovery thankfully she's more like a child to me than a dog so it was a huge stress, thank you so much for your concern and time it is the most precious gift to receive <3

As a side note I'm well aware that I cannot and should not try to fix him, I have however made an effort to push him in the right direction by showing him what it's like to truly be loved for all that he is not the conditional love his family gives him.

Omg I just now see this thread.

This woman is unbelievable and so is your fiancée by allowing it. It sounds so incredibly stressful.

Personally I understand having difficult relatives and at times you have to put up with it to a degree as long as a couple is on the same page (my husband and I have our share of questionable relatives!).

But in your situation this woman is meddling in your life so badly! Terrorizes and abuses you and treats her son like he is a toddler. This isn’t going to get better unless you two move far away from mommy and he puts a stop to her abusing you. How old are you? From the sound of it you two struggle financially living in a council flat. Is he contributing? Does he have a job? Do you? Are you still in school?

Personally I think you are better off ending it and moving on. One day you’ll find the right person. He isn’t the one

Best wishes

I'm so sorry you're hurting SO MUCH, Throwaway12345! I don't have much more to add to what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! His mother is DEFINITELY being AWFUL both to you and to him and it's celar that she's trying to manipulate him! I do feel like you need to SERIOUSLY talk to him about ALL OF THIS and see how it goes from there. Make him understand that either he will stand up to his mother or that you'll have to leave him. No compromise since that's your own health and well-being we're talking about! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! If he doesn't, I'm afraid you may want to reconsider this relationship since it doesn't sound very good AT ALL! Remember that your health must be the priority NO MATTER WHAT! There's too much going on in our lives to deal with abusers as well! Definitely make him understand that something needs to change if he wants the relationship to continue! I understand it may be hard for you, but please think of yourself as well! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're going to see a therapist soon! Hopefully he/she will be able to help you! Let us know what you decide to do, ok? I hope your mother is being supportive at least! Remember that WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU AS WELL! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please keep us updated on your situation if you can and want to! WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR HEALIGN AND IN YOUR LIFE TO BOTH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND! Sending many safe, wamr hugs to BOTH you and your boyfriend, Throwaway12345!

I posted my reply before I saw your additional post. I am glad to hear you two aren’t actually getting married any time soon.

Are you on disability? Is he? I am not sure why isn’t he working and it must be difficult to function two adults with no income. How do you pay bills?

Although it absolutely doesn’t excuse his mothers awful behavior I now see how she doesn’t consider him an independent adult and treats him like incapable child. I hope you two continue learning about adulthood and what needs to be done.

Please make sure all this doesn’t worsen your mental health and please don’t marry any time soon